Hello All,
Long time lurker, never posted - thank you for this community!
I need some advice / outside perspective on follow-up care for my mother. It's a complicated relationship - Mom is super needy, and distance really helps.
I (41F) moved my mother (77) into a lovely active senior residence home in Florida in February of '23. She is on the independent track, but the residence has assisted living options also. She is a widow as of April 2022 and is very lonely and has multiple health and mental issues. She needs more help and company lately and she cries every night and begs to be close to family. The closest family member is her 30-year old granddaughter who is 1 and a half hours' commute away, but the granddaughter is very busy with full time work, school, and wedding planning and cannot always visit. Granddaughter visits briefly once or twice a month.
I live in Chicago, Illinois. I visit every other 2 months for about a week at a time. But, it's never "enough" and she is very lonely and doesn't have family visit her much and would like to live near me - whether in Chicago or Florida - wherever.
The director of the Senior Residence is concerned she is failing and will become ill due to lack of family visits. They have also noticed her depression, loneliness, and isolation. The consensus is she must be near a family member for her mental health. The family member she prefers is me.
I am debating on moving her to Chicago to be near me to help her out, or moving myself to Florida to be near her. If I move, I will leave my partner behind or force him to come with, and we will have to worry about housing (he owns our small condo) and getting new jobs. Also, I do not like Florida very much. If I move her nearby in Chicago, I will have to find a new senior residence or assisted living place for her and find all new doctors for her.
I struggle with undiagnosed ADHD, anxiety, and depression and it is very difficult to be her caregiver. She is very emotionally dependent on me ever since I can remember and it is very exhausting. I have not been taking care of myself for the last year or two because I am so burnt out from family issues*. But, I am her Power of Attorney as well as favorite emotionally available scatter-brained daughter, so I have a lot of responsibility and guilt to help her. I don't think any other family can step in and help.
I am not looking forward to this decision and I'm very overwhelmed. I am also worried about how expensive moving will be. Even now, the location I found for her and "put her in against her will" is quite expensive (though she does have savings and her IRA and makes just a bit too much to qualify for Medicaid in Florida yet), and I haven't been able to research how to make it more affordable. I just can't get myself to do the bare minimum because of my own issues.
I see a few options: 1) Leaving her where she is and upping her health care; 2) Moving her to the Chicago area in a senior home near me; or 3) Possibly moving myself (and partner) to Florida. No matter what, all of these require me to figure out money and will be very time-consuming research and I will be stressed and obligated to visit her often and help her with errands and her emotional needs that I am not sure I can always provide without detriment to myself. I even made a pros and cons list for each. (As much as I DON'T want to be her helper, it would actually assuage my guilt and DAILY anxiety about calling/helping her.)
Does anyone have any similar stories and anecdotes or possible options on what to do, including ones I have not thought of?
*Extra BG: I'm only family in Chicago. All extended family in PA, rarely see each other themselves. 1 older sister w/ 4 kids (30F, 16M, 15M, 13F) in FL. Sister out of picture. I quit my job and lived with Mom for about 1 year in FL while Dad in&out of nursing homes - took care of all Mom stuff / Dad's death and lived out her condo contract with her (w/o my partner). I'm... tired.
I would leave mom where she is.
"The director of the Senior Residence is concerned she is failing and will become ill due to lack of family visits. They have also noticed her depression, loneliness, and isolation. The consensus is she must be near a family member for her mental health. The family member she prefers is me."
Sounds like mom needs to be on medication because of her depression and anxiety. And the director of the Senior Residence sounds like an idiot. Telling you that she has to be near family for her mental health (more like for their mental health).
You wrote "She is very emotionally dependent on me ever since I can remember and it is very exhausting." YES your entire life she has been like a parasite sucking the very life force from you. Do not allow her to continue to do this to you. It's time for your mother to find a new host or grow the hell up and live her life without destroying you.
You are a grown child with your own life.
That's as it should be.
Your mother is responsible for her life. Many elders have no children, and the fact that some care worker actually told you your mother would become ill because you don't visit enough? Well, that is simply ludicrous. She/he needs to get a new day-job. Families are honestly the LAST people to give a senior any good help with depression. Mom should see her MD.
In my opinion your Mom should stay in care where she lives.
You should get on with your life.
You should visit when possible.
You should understand you are not responsible for the happiness or unhappiness of your parent. That is your parent's responsibility.
Again, seeing as how our recent threads have gone out of control completely for trying to solve everything for everyone I would say this ball is in your court. If you have trouble knowing your own mind in this situation do consider counseling. Sometimes Social Workers in private practice for counseling are best at life transitions.
Wishing you the best of luck.
Hope you'll update us about your decisions.