My grandmother is 90 years old and has dementia and severe depression that started when her husband passed. She is still able to care for herself, makes microwavable tv dinners etc., but she does not clean or socialize very often. She also has a habit of wandering around outside. This past week while I was visiting she fell, miraculously she was uninjured (I immediately called 911 so she could get scans to check for internal bleeding etc) but had I not been there she would most likely still be on the ground. I am concerned for her safety. My mom, her daughter, is POA and has done an excellent job with driving back and forth but I can tell it is taking a toll on her. I also believe she is in denial at the severity of the situation. She keeps saying she is going to hire a live in nurse but has not even began to look for one. I feel like if I do move in with her, my mom will realize that it is time to get a nurse since we all live about 4 hours away. I am 33, divorced and no kids so it is not like I am giving up that much, but I am slightly concerned about my own mental health as I do struggle with anxiety and depression. I would love to hear from someone in a similar situation or any advice on what I should do.
I am so sorry to hear about your aunt.
And I have to say...shame on your mom for even letting you consider moving in with her mother when she knows that you already suffer with anxiety and depression. To me that's just cruel.
Your grandmother will only continue to get worse and now requires many folks looking after her.
That's why your mom should now be looking into getting HER mother into a memory care facility where she will be looked after 24/7 and won't be able to wander.
Plus you need to be working a full-time job so how in the world would you be able to provide 24/7 care for your grandmother when you'll be working elsewhere?
And how in the world can you help your grandmother with her depression when you can't even help yourself with it?
I think you're living in a fantasy world here and truly have NO clue what it takes to care for a person with dementia. Do you know how to properly change an adults diaper when they've peed or pooped, and do you know where to look for them when they've wondered off over night and you haven't a clue as to what direction they went?
And are you prepared to get little to no sleep to make sure grandma doesn't wander or leave the stove on when she's wanting to make something to eat at midnight?
PLEASE tell your mother that she needs to be the one to step up and get HER mom placed in a memory care(as that will be much cheaper than hiring a 24/7 nurse)ASAP so your grandmother will be safe and receive the care she now requires.
Start looking into memory care now
You write, “I feel like if I do move in with her, my mom will realize that it is time to get a nurse since we all live about 4 hours away.”
Above all, do not do this to teach your mother anything. She will have to face this sooner if you don’t move in or take on any care. The only thing she will “learn” is that you are there, so it’s all your problem. There are also lots of questions around money in this scenario.
Please recognize that your grandmother WILL get worse no matter what anyone does.
I have a son about your age and all I wish for him is to concentrate on his OWN life and happiness. I would strongly oppose him doing this for my elderly mother under any circumstances and I am 100% opposed to him doing it for me or my husband either. It’s a worst nightmare scenario for me.
I applaud your desire to live with your grandmother; it might be wonderful to spend some one-on-one time with her. However, the job of taking care of her is probably more than you can manage on your own at home. If she is already wandering outside, how do you prevent her from getting lost or getting into danger? You simply can't have eyes on her 24 hours a day. You can't watch her every move when you are sleeping.
Push your mom to take her POA responsibility seriously and make a plan for Grandma's care. Your best options are: 1) You live with grandma AND hire an aide to come daily or live-in. Even a live-in aide can not watch her 24 hours a day, so it would be good to have 2 people to share the responsibility.
2) It may be time to move grandma closer to the rest of the family, and place her in a memory care facility, where she will be safely cared for by professional caregivers and nurses 24 hours a day. Typically, these facilities are locked down to prevent residents getting outside.
If you have reservations because you are concerned about how this may affect your mental health, you need to know it is NOT for the faint of heart! Caring for someone with cognitive decline and physical decline is extremely difficult, takes a lot of patience, a good attitude, and physical strength. People with dementia do Crazy things! Things you would never expect, and you can't reason with them or get them to change these habits. It only gets worse as time goes on.
Your Mother should already have realised that GM is “90 years old and has dementia and severe depression”. GM has fallen once, and falls will probably get worse. M is “going to hire a live in nurse but has not even began to look for one”. When and if she does, she will find that hiring a live in NURSE will be impossible, that three shifts are required on each of 7 days, and that the whole idea is impossibly expensive. If you move in with GM, M is going to view this as a solution. She will NOT even try to find that mythical live-in nurse. M may have done an “excellent job with driving back and forth”, but that is not what is actually needed now.
Your best option is not to get involved in this. It probably needs to fail before things can be changed.
If you do, what is happening to your Mom will happen to you but twice as fast: burnout. And then she'll still have to find a different, more sustainable solution. And you'll be stuck struggling with your own anxiety and depression. This is a hard NO. DO NOT.
Your Grandma is wandering outside and not being aware of its dangers. This means she may have cognitive impairment. If so, no amount of company is going to cure her depression. What she really needs is medication. Soon.
Your Mom, as her PoA, now needs to step up and do things in her Mother's best interests *even if she resists*. Your Mom pays for her facility care by selling that house. Everyone sleeps better at night knowing Grandma is safe and secure in a good local AL or MC. No, she won't like it one bit. That's why your Mom needs to make all the arrangements without telling her and then employs a "therapeutic fib" to get her to move.
I've been on this forum daily since 2019. There won't be a single person who replies to you that will say anything other than "do not move in".
Don't worry how your Mom may react... she of all people should understand the potential for mental health disaster for you. She has other solutions -- it just cannot be you.
I’m glad you noted your anxiety and depression and need to protect your health. A person with anxiety and depression doing 24/7 caregiving for a person with severe depression does not sound like a great situation to me. You sound extremely loving, caring and thoughtful but love just isn’t enough in caregiving, unfortunately.
You will not get burnt out as easily. You will be able to live your life as close to what it is now. Your grandmother will get more attention, new friends, and 3 meals a day, and senior activities,.
You can willingly come to get and walk the premises, take her out for treats, etc. please choose yo look into facilities close to you snd your mother. 4 hours away is a bit too far, and tiresome.
Choices: if GMother owns her home, you csn sell it to pay for facility, or rent it, and keep looking on your post.
More people will respond with very good opinions and ideas for you snd mom to consider..
🙏
Thank you for your thoughtful response! I just wish I could my mother to understand.
Take Notes!!!
TAG !! YOU ARE IT!! You don't want to be IT.. it is exhausting..
be the LOVING granddaughter and mother.. you two can only last for sooo looong before all the balls drop..,
Start touring assisted living..set up appointments and tours now.