I have posted before but I sit here tonight now filled with guilt because my mom grabbed her belongings to head to her house. This has happened multiple times after many arguments. She's been here since my dad passed July 14th and has stayed with my brother 10 days in all. She wants to be here at my house only surrounded by the noise and grandkids. It brings her comfort. However, any single time I approach the subject of her house and spending time there, we end up in a huge argument. Tonight, she told me she just never thought her daughter would be so bothered by her staying with her to heal. I probably dug the knife too deep and finally said I don't know any parent who would put their kids in this situation. I don't know why it has been so hard for me to show grace. Instead, I'm angry, I'm resentful...she is not stronger to try to spend time at her house or rely on others. She is traumatized by dads death at house. I get that. I guess I truly am a bad daughter for not embracing her with more love but I just cannot wrap my brain around her thinking it is ok to not take steps to at minimum not be at my house at least 1 night per week to start. That ask just explodes! She can't understand why I just can't give her time. I am so tired of this. Am I delusional to think its not normal for a 67 year old mom to never return to house after their spouse dies?
Mom 67
Me 41
Kids 13, 11
She will have the noise and activity of a community and if she needs it she would have help.
You say you are feeling guilty because in an argument your mom did what you actually want her to do.
Let her go.
She is handing you the bag of guilt that she packed up.
It is your choice to take the bag of guilt from her.
I am sure you just don't want her to leave in anger. Let her manage her anger.
She may not want to go home because of the memories but she is not going to change that unless she moves on.
Has your mom been to any Bereavement Support Groups? I think it would help a lot. And going through the holidays is difficult enough after a loss, she needs to talk about and get support from others going through the same.
That's her expectation of you. It will take years to heal. I doubt her therapist is even dealing with her living situation, unless she has brought it up. Many professionals think it's perfectly fine for elders to live with daughters and for daughters to do all caregiving.
Why can't she go live with your brother for a while? Why did she leave there after only 10 days?
The general advice is to not make a change in your living situation after being widowed for a year. What is her home like? A single family home that she will have to maintain? Yardwork, etc.? Can she hire that all out? What is her financial situation? How far away is she from your brother?
If she can't stay in the home because your father died there, then maybe she will never be able to, and arrangements for a new living situation must be made now. Should she sell her house?
67 is young! She can have a wonderful next stage of her life.
I am not a widow so I can’t address that issue. Grief is complicated and everyone deals with it in their own way.
I agree with Margaret’s advice to you.
I see from a previous post that you wrote that she is seeing a therapist. Therapy can take awhile to be effective. I hope that she is willing to invest enough time into it to reach healthy goals. Make sure the therapist is dealing with her issues pertaining to grief.
Has her therapist ever requested for other family members to be present during her sessions? I would definitely go with her if at all possible.
One on one therapy is wonderful but so is family therapy. It gives the therapist a better understanding of the situation.
Another thought is that her home holds too many memories for her to bear. She is having extreme difficulty processing her emotions.
I know a woman whose only son (age 17) was murdered. She ended up moving out of her home because every room in her house held so many memories and being there was torturous for her.
Her husband wasn’t severely affected by the house but he agreed to move to help his wife move forward. Sometimes it isn’t running away from something but rather moving towards something new.
She and her husband sold their home and bought another one. This is an extreme measure but she found peace after she relocated to a new house without any memories of her her son.
You are between a rock and a hard place with trying to balance your own life with your family and your mom’s life and her struggles with grief. That’s a tough spot to be in.
I wish you and your mom all the best.
1) Go with her to her ‘grief therapist’. Assess how useful you think the therapist is – some just aren’t, they will agree with whatever the client says and are prepared to take many many sessions and dollars to move on. If you aren't impressed, push for a different therapist.
2) Tell the therapist that you cannot continue with this. Your own grief is not being respected, and you need your own time for that. You also need time for your family, who are your principal responsibilities. Ask the therapist to deal with M’s ability to deal with your needs and grief as well as her own.
3) Ask M if she feels uncomfortable in her house, and would she prefer to live somewhere different. It’s possible that its memories are overwhelming. Perhaps it’s the first time in her life she has lived alone, or spent a night on her own. Take her to see some particularly nice SL or AL places, and talk about plans for the future. It really is a good time for her to think about how she is going to live for the rest of her life. Get her to start packing up for the smaller home she is almost certain to need.
4) Send her away on a holiday. A tour for people of her age could give her new things to look at, think about, people to talk to. I know from my own experience that it can really really help. It doesn’t remove the problem, but it stops it overwhelming all your thoughts.
5) Let your husband be the one to make a stand. He can insist that she limits her stay, for his sake and for the sake of his children. Not negotiable. Not your fault. Your lines go like this: ‘I’ve never seen him so determined’. ‘I can’t keep going against his wishes’. ‘I’m not willing to break up my marriage over this, however unreasonable you or I think it is’.
Take a pin and shove it somewhere in the above list. Talk it through with your husband and your children. Each of these options is genuinely possible.
Love, Margaret
Some have had spouses with long-term terminal illnesses. Such drawn out grief & loss, but this can also bringing small steps of adjustment. I've met people who even downsized & moved house through that time.
Sudden illness, sudden departure I image brings shock instead. Wanting to hide away, stay close to known people may feel safe - be a normal reaction. But in the longer term, reconnecting with friends, her neighbourhood & activities will be needed. To open a new chapter of her own life.
Learning to drive her own life again will bring more reward than just being a passenger in yours.
My mom broke on June 1 when she read PET Scan results handed to her before Dr delivered news. From that moment, she broke. Dad passed of cardiac arrest 2 hours after his 2nd chemo Jul 14th. It was all so sudden and unexpected.
I am hopeful and praying she will move forward to a new chapter. I know it takes time. I just get so caught up, that in the meantime, she wants to be here and not her home. I've mentioned going home during day and coming back for dinner and to spend the night. She just can't do it, it seems. She tries but is getting nowhere if you ask me. She will tell you, her therapist says what she is doing is 100% normal.
At 67, she has a lot of life left in her yet. To move in with you indefinitely is to ignore that fact and to use you and your family as her crutch. The longer it goes on, the worse it will get for her to strike out on her own again, imo.
Ask her to leave but allow her to spend a couple of evenings a week with you and her grandchildren, that's my suggestion. Remind her how much you love her but reiterate that both of your lives need to get back to SOME semblance of normalcy now. Don't allow her passive-aggressive commentary about what you're "not doing for her" sway you. If the house dad died in is too traumatic for her to live in, offer to help her sell it so she can downsize into an apartment. Don't back down, just show her love while standing your ground. You're not a bad daughter, you're justifiably angry because you've been burdened with her presence (uninvited) for well over 4 months now with no end in sight without her having a meltdown. You've been given no opportunity to grieve your own loss for babysitting mom 24/7. You've both suffered a huge loss here but mom seems to think she's the only one who's suffering. Tell her how things REALLY are and be truthful but kind.
Good luck to you both, and my condolences on your loss.
My mom and I have had situations where ultimatums, extremes, and guilt-tripping were used as weapons in our history of interactions. Eventually I finally cut her out of my life with a nice verbose letter talking about all of the times she had stepped on me. My brothers were allowed to consistently kick her to the curb, leave her hanging, disrespect her, but me, ohohohohoh no.
"A son is a son until he gets a wife, a daughter's a daughter the rest of your life."
There are people who live and breathe this.
I will point out right now my tiny mommy is sleeping about 12' away from me right now, as I'm sitting on my PC here waiting for her next med dose so I can wake her up for it and she can get as many calm continuous hours of sleep as possible.
Putting my foot down did not, in fact, lead to the end of our relationship, or the end of my love to her, or hers to mine. What it did teach her is this amazing skill. She learned to say "I'm sorry" to ME for once. After her temper ran out and she whinged to me to everyone under the sun, she realized that in facet, yes, she was kind of being a selfish, over-asking, manipulative, ultimatum delivering *****. She learned to say "I'm sorry" and mean it.
Others mileage on this will vary. But, it required playing that game of "chicken" to the end.
You also lost your father and it's kind of absolutely ****ed of her to not think for half a moment about you.
You have done nothing wrong. It is not your job to be the volume dial on the sounds that blare out your mom's inner thoughts about her loss. YOU can't hear him either. YOU won't see him anymore either. This isn't all about HER. I'm sure you've prob said as much.
Some love needs to be delivered as tough love. You are not asking something unreasonable. Let her have her temper tantrum. Slap your own hand when you get the urge to call her back. Hug your hubby and kids. She's a grown woman, not a child. Don't react to a tantrum.