How do I cope with my Mom's constant requests? I feel like a servant!

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How do I cope with my Mom's constant requests? I feel like a servant!

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Sad but true

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Ah ha!

OK, listen to me, somebody. I am out int he boondocks in PA. zip code: 17870. Not that far from New York. We have a lot of nice places around here. I have had my mom in two of them. The costs are much less than in NY and the people are very nice. In fact, my mom's place has a number of people from New York and Long Island.

One place in the next town that is not expensive (about $2K per month for a shared room), has sweet Mennonite ladies working there--not the people you are describing who would otherwise have been at a fast food joint.

Now, stay with me for just moment. I know it is far away. But you could drive over on Saturday morning, afford to stay in a motel Saturday night (with what you would save from being in NY!), and drive back on Sunday.

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To Veronica, Thank you for your explanation. It just fell everything apart for me. I have a spine issue myself, my mother broke her hips and then my grandmother whom I had under my care for years gets sick. Everything fell apart. I almost lost my mother too in that place, but these people should remember that there are repercussions to whatever they do with patients. These patients have family and they are responsible, whether they are too tired from taking care of too many kids at home or not. They took a life and they are responsible. When you work in the health field and you make a mistake and that mistake results in an injury or death of a person there are no excuses or pretexts whether they like it or not. I spent my entire life learning and for these people to get a certificate in just a couple of weeks and deal with patients is ridiculous. The system is killing people. The state does not care about this obviously. It is strict with some, but not with everybody. It is a joke.

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I apologize in advance but it seems that the wealthy can get good care, whether at home or in facility. MOney buys lawyers, consultants, and most of all surounds the wealthy with that aura of "you mess with me and you're sued, so don't mess with me". The rest of us who have trouble paying the average $3800/mo for AL, let alone the average $8500/NH, are basically left to our own devices to get remedy for even things like the rehab hospital that won't come take mom to bathroom. If that daughter hadn't been there that mom might be dead. If you have no daughter or she lives too far away, you're dead. But if you have the money you can buy good helpers (and fire the not good).
As far as the original Question, you do have to pick your battles with the dementia patients--its not mean to simply not respond to all the requests. You could also keep a running list of all the things she's asked you, mark the time asked, and show it to her! Then draw a line and write in all caps, BREAK TIME UNTIL (3:15). and give yourself a Break. Take it in the bathroom, or garage if need be.

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LoL you should flow yourself twice a day too. What are you doing, trying to inhearit everything she should be in a nursing home. No one is ment to care for someone that much, but if you want it all, I hope you live long enought to get it. In general she has a 40 % chance of out lasting you. Go dancing, have some fun, get laied at least once a week to improve you life expantancy to at least 70%.

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Sorry its flog yourself bloody twice a week, that heals the guilt real good.

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Oh its best to flog yourself bloody as you walk around the block and then bow down to all you moms demans. This will get rid of most of the guilt for even trying to do this. You only have a 40% chance of out living her anyway. Oh yea sleep on a board too, this dispells all cares. Now you should be happy. 6.5 years a caregiver, moms now in a home barking orders there, lol happy 2 day "why destory yourself" Solomon

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My mother does the same thing and will repeat every minute until the thing she wants done gets done. I have often thought that maybe she is either hard of hearing or possible has a large build up of wax in her ears keeping her from hearing me say ok a thousand times?

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northglor5, if its just her ears, it could be fixed - but it may be a brain that can't remember and can't judge reasonable lengths of time to wait for anything.

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Yes. Only when living with her... she builds her expectations to the point that it can be stifling. You have to leave the house to get your bearings.

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I try to stay positive, but have a negative personality I'm dealing with. I DO lose it IF I get woke up in the middle of the night-twice. I hate getting woke up especially with a person who can't get out of bed without "help". So I lost it this early AM. Took me all day to get over my anger. I just had to not talk to her and do my things: cleaning, recipe look ups, trying to stay busy, walking dog. I am constantly asking God to only give me what I can handle and to have Him help me all day . It's tough. Hang in there and I agree with GiveAHug: don't give a bell out. You'll go nuts.

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I thought I was reading my own comment. Feel like a servant really stuck out. This was last summer when she was on oxygen and I had my hands full. Responsibilities have increased in my own life since then. These help keep her issues in perspective and force me to make boundaries. Once I realized that my anger will only make her worse, and started to realize that she is basically afraid and helpless, it also puts it all in perspective. The issues are still there, but I am in a position where I now have to put distance there even if I have to leave the house when living with her or not call her when at my own home. I have a dog too, and he helps to keep her attention off of me and on another 'needy person" besides her. I also have excuses to take 2 walks a day. He is a large lab/retriever and costs some $ but in the end he earns his keep.

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Holdontight, we also have a dog and she helps me keep my sanity (such as it is!). I also walk her and at times we go to the park. My husband has dementia, but is able to be around and walk, but chooses to be waited on. He won't walk the dog, sits in one kitchen chair (he can see anything from there), if we go to the park, he'll sit in the car and wait. I've gotten where I have him make his coffee and if he screws it up, he cleans it up. (but not correctly, of course). He had so many messes I switched to instant coffee, but he demanded REAL coffee. I told him that he would have to make it himself (I'd follow his instructions as how to make it and he would never like it) and clean up any messes. So far he's had coffee spilled all over the counter/floor, forgotten to put the filter in the pot. Spilled the coffee grounds on the floor and over the waste can.
He's finally saying "thank you" to the helper. Today he said he's saying it too much. LOL We don't talk much anymore, as he is so negative and it wears me down. He watches me like a hawk. Tells the family that when I leave I always come home late (after 12:30 a.m.). I'm home by 10:30p.m. and it's only on Friday when I meet up with 2 of my friends from high school days. He's asked me when I'm leaving. I've told him I intend to stay and die here. He's worried he'll have to go into a "home". I've assured him that is not my intent. No use. This has definitely changed my personality. I seldom laugh. Trying not to worry, but it seeps into your soul. I'm so grateful to have my pup. She comforts both of us.
All I can say is "hang in there" and try to find some time for yourself. Walk in the park ( seek nature) and exercise. don't be afraid to ask for help and hang on to your dear friends for life. Blessings

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Well, you are talking to a coffee lover. Stop in at McDonald's they have senior discounts (it is piping hot though, could be problematic), or try QT. They make really good coffee, but it's piping hot, It would also give him a choice. You could use this as a reward for good behavior. He is fixating on his own thoughts and sounds like he has made up a lot of inner stories he holds on to. I raised a boy with autistic tendencies and had to pick him up from school a lot during his teen years due to fantasies/panic/episodes gone awry. I would bring him home and watch the Three Stooges, and he would snap out of it. I don't know what makes your guy tick, but use distraction strategy. Laughter is good medicine don't kid yourself. There are day care facilities that have dementia therapy for these people, I would look into it. I would stop making him promises you may not be able to keep. I would start to make exchanges with him or 'deals'. If you do this, I will do that. If you don't do this, I won't do that. He is really manipulating you and this is his modus operandi, watch for it, but don't lose your cool, it only makes them worse......

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I guess you just have to accept that humans are human, but remember YOU are in charge of what you will and will not do. No guilt about ignoring abuse, harassment, etc. Nobody gets a green light to act abusively to anyone just because they reach a certain age (I'm not talking about mental incompetence - when you have that, you need to be reasonable about how much you can safely endure - that's right, YOUR safety comes first). But it does take persistence and practice to set boundaries and turn aside guilting and manipulation. You can get there.

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I count myself among jawdropper and others who have lost their emotional attachment to their care recipient. I started out wanting to take care of my mother and expecting it to be an emotionally rewarding experience. But from the start it was anything but. I wanted to play the role of nurturer and she wanted a servant. I planned to do whatever I was moved to do out of caring and compassion; she was making lists of tasks she wanted done for her. Including things she could well have done herself but didn't want to bother with once she had someone to do it for her. My mother isn't abusive; she's just self-centered and totally unconcerned about other people. Whatever you say, she tunes it out because she doesn't feel that she needs to listen to anyone else, especially her own kids.

The lack of regard she has shown for me, as well as my general disapproval of the way she has handled the challenges of aging for herself, has literally killed the affection I once had for her. (I should point out that I'm not a sentimental person by nature and have never had a strong attachment to family per se.) Funny thing is, my mother would never believe it if I told her this, even though it's written all over me. She believes she is the center of the universe for all her kids and nothing could ever change that. Therefore she has no reason to modify her behavior or to consider anybody else's feelings or point of view.

I believe care recipients (even parents) need to bring certain things to the caregiving relationship to be worthy of love and care. Respect, compassion, empathy, and the recognition of the fact that they are being given something from another person's precious store of time and resources, not to be wasted or used frivolously, and certainly not to be demanded as a right.

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There r no easy solutions. We make the best decisions we can make at the time. The what if will always b there to torment our thinking. We face the day and make the decisions we can live with. I feel each situation is the same but different at the same time. We all have different stress levels some have a low level and some have very high levels .I refuse to measure myself against others. If u can handle the stress fine but if not then find a solution that works for u.

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How do I cope with my Mom's constant requests? I feel like a servant!

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