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Hello, My mother is now deceased, but I can identify with your difficulties. I think you will find that you will have to find an MD, most likely her primary care or and elder care MD, that will sign the paperwork for you to become your mother's legal guardian due to her mental incapapcity. You can get the paperwork at your county courthouse. After that hearing takes place, you will be able to have her admitted to a facility that can care for her which most likely she will not appreciate, but it sounds as if she is starting to become a danger to herself and perhaps others in her current situation and it also sounds as though you cannot be responsible for her continued well being. This is what we had to do to get our mother to stop driving and accept the care she needed including medication and supervision. It is very difficult, but becomes a matter of safety. Good luck.
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I feel sorry for you because my situation is same like your one but the difference is I have 2 little kids to looking after and she is my mother in law and I have to face her every day cause she is living with us. I think I m gonna be made after few months. sorry for your mother too.
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I SOO understand how you feel. I am in the midst of placing my mother(against her will) in to an ALF for memory care. I feel like the WORST daughter in the world. I feel like Benedict Arnold for betraying her, but I am at my wits end. You HAVE to take care of yourself in order to care for your mother. Good Luck
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I haven't read back too much, I wonder how the OP made out by this time, her posting was from 2012. I hope she placed the mother in a good nearby facility and was able to get some of her life back. This kind of post tears at my heart because I, too, have suffered through it.
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I so relate to this. I'm also an only child and my children are young so are totally dependant on me. My mother refuses to accept she has dementia or any health problems for that matter. She refuses to take her Alzheimer's meds and as a result, I am constantly having to catch the fall-out. She insists she does not need a carer, resulting in no help for me. I have to go to her home at least once a day (often more), do all shopping, take on many medical appointments and be available for her numerous phone calls throughout the day. Also there is the financial aspect as I am unable to work full time because of my mother but do not receive any carers allowance. I suppose that could be considered a positive as now I can't afford a social life so I can't blame lack if time completely (sic). All the joy has been drained from our lives and I feel I am buckling with exhaustion. On my mothers many appointments, I am never asked if I am coping and realise now that it's of no consequence. It's all about my mother. Regardless of how domineering and nasty she has ALWAYS been. It's all about her. Regardless that I am cut off from life, am always stressed out and feel I heading for an early grave. It's all about her. I go to sleep with her voice reverberating in my head & wake up with it reverberating in my head. So trust me, you are not alone. The system seriously needs to address the strain on families, especially when there is no support network. But, as I said, it's all about her.
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"Have to"? Who says? Mom says you have to?

If you are an adult and not you parent's guardian, you don't "have to" do anything. Aleays keep that in mind. Also keep in mind that if you die or become disabled due to careging, your parent will be in institutional care WITHOUT an advocate.
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" It's all about her." Why are you buying into that, Goldilocks? As a child you had no choice. As an adult you should know that it isn't all about her. You have young children. If you let your life be "all about her" how do they fit in?

If all the joy is being drained from your lives, I think you need to set some new priorities. It may take some objective third-party counseling for you to break out of this "it's all about her" pattern, but it can be done!

Good luck.
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I can understand the feeling. We like to think we're grown up and beyond things, but when Mother twists her face and gives that death-ray glare and angry words. it's hard to keep saying no. Still, we have to learn to. We have to decide how much time we can devote and how many calls we are going to answer. We can block calls during the times we aren't available.

I envy the people who don't live with the parent. It is much easier to avoid the angry persistence (AKA bullying) that are used to make us do something against our wills. Those of us who live with the parent find ourselves having to leave to get away from it.
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I so relate to this. I'm also an only child and my children are young so are totally dependant on me. My mother refuses to accept she has dementia or any health problems for that matter. She refuses to take her Alzheimer's meds and as a result, I am constantly having to catch the fall-out. She insists she does not need a carer, resulting in no help for me. I have to go to her home at least once a day (often more), do all shopping, take on many medical appointments and be available for her numerous phone calls throughout the day. Also there is the financial aspect as I am unable to work full time because of my mother but do not receive any carers allowance. I suppose that could be considered a positive as now I can't afford a social life so I can't blame lack if time completely (sic). All the joy has been drained from our lives and I feel I am buckling with exhaustion. On my mothers many appointments, I am never asked if I am coping and realise now that it's of no consequence. It's all about my mother. Regardless of how domineering and nasty she has ALWAYS been. It's all about her. Regardless that I am cut off from life, am always stressed out and feel I heading for an early grave. It's all about her. I go to sleep with her voice reverberating in my head & wake up with it reverberating in my head. So trust me, you are not alone. The system seriously needs to address the strain on families, especially when there is no support network. But, as I said, it's all about her.
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Goldilocks can I make a suggestion please? Instead of waiting in vain hope for someone to ask how you're coping, stand up and be counted. I wonder from your terminology whether you are in the UK and if so you need to know that if you are giving someone on higher attendance allowance more than 35 hours care (and that includes being there at night) a week then you can claim carer's allowance. There are some criteria that need to be met but if she or you don't meet them then you need to take an alternative route and say I can't come over. Or you need to get a cab to the docs. If she can manage ...let her manage. Put your phone on silent if you have to or say can't talk now Mum...Call you back tonight. Once a day is plenty believe me. If she doesn't take her meds she needs a psych review but if you are filling the gaps then is never going to happen and the doctors NEED to know.

Being a carer is not all about her (even though the system would love to have everyone believe that). I, as a matter of regularity, tell the receptionist that I want to speak to the doctor alone as He needs to be aware of issues BEFORE he sees Mum. That way she can showtime all she wants but the doc KNOWS that it is masking the grim reality. he needs to know that you are not coping and that meds are not the answer you are seeking - you can tell them you are quite OK with taking meds but ONLY if they put some support in place too.

If none of that works then you have to take courage in your hands and walk away, you have to or you will end up having a break down and be no use to anyone least of all yourself or your wonderful children who need their mummy.

If you are in the UK then you are legally entitled to a carer's assessment depending on the number of hours you do, which will allow them to put respite in place if not I know the people in here will help you find the appropriate professionals. If you don't go and do the physical caring then who would. Tell your Mum you can't do it but you will help her find the help she needs and when she says I don't need any help challenge her on who is going to clean, take you to appointments, take all your phone calls. Stand up for yourself hun it is the only way.
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Thank you for posting this. I have been dealing with a very similar situation with my mother in law. I know now I'm not alone.
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Hi in ways I’m dealing with that. She don’t say she hadvit but she does. She’s stopped hugging me, saying I love you but still drives certain places and yet, I dont measure up to her! I wish I could find people on here for support and visa versa. I’m single now in my early 50’s but it seems she had just stopped being my friend. If I feel anything, you shouldn’t feel that she says. Just get out a book or enjoy your doggies. So I in ways so understand the misery yet you want to be who YOU were and loved! They say to draw boundaries... I don’t know how. Too when we were used to them wanting to talk, Be our friend... it’s grief. Pure grief.
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No, it is not the god given right of a parent to expect a child to put up with their illness and demanding temperaments. Especially when they have not been an overly great parent and chose to have children. It is not right also that there is no homes or proper care available for the elderly. This is the issue, the Australian Government has not researched or done it s due diligence when it comes to the aging population and a thoughtfull plan to care for the elderly with high needs, other than park them in a home and wait for them to die.
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I think that's only half true, Fedup. I'm sure the Australian government, like every other in the developed world, has done its research into provision for the elderly, especially its projected costs. I expect it then needed to lie down in a darkened room and doesn't want to talk about it. And certainly not in front of the electorate.
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My mother believes the nursing home is poisoning her, that they turn off her electricity, that men come in at night to burn her, etc. I live hundreds of miles away, but talk to her daily via the phone. How should I handle this?
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Have them check her for a urinary tract infection! They can cause symptoms like paranoia.
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This has been going on for the past six months, so I believe they've already ruled out an UTI.
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Hallucinations and paranoia are, well, demented behaviors. Maybe some psychiatric counsel is called for, they can give her something to calm her down a bit. Most agitated dementia patients get something to take to keep them from getting too upset over 'the people in the basement' or 'the green man looking in all my windows'.    They still hear and see things, and act demented, because they're never going to get better, but they don't have to be in such terrible distress.  
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Hi, I read yours and in lot of ways it sounded like me writing that. We are allowing our moms to pull US down. We too I think feel if we don’t do everything right, we are not good daughters? I know that 1 counselor man that really couldn’t guide me... he told me to draw boundaries , think about other things and don’t get so entrapped with her. That you have lost your best friend and she is not now the mom she was. She loves you but she has either pulled away or since she will not b honest, you have no clue what she’s thinking cause she will never tell you. Now that is me. I’ve centered myself around this mess. It’s made me get sick ( colds etc) Easier. I did go to my dr which I’m sure and pray your health is ok. She found my iron count to b low. I truely think it’s the worry/ concern of we can’t figure our moms out!!? You sound like you have just had it and that’s a normal but guilt yuch feeling. I know! I’m in it as well. I wanted to say Hi. I feel a lot of your pain. I do know on me, that the love my mother did have for me is gone and I think it’s given me abandonment issues because I’ve caught her in lies and too, my lazy brother lives with her but he always has all his life. He never wanted to get out on his on. Embarrassing! Then though, she has always babied him.
It’s ok too if you have anger. I’m learning that for myself which I’m not a type to get angry however, this has made me angry and sometimes have you found you don’t know what to do with it?
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I feel for u...I am going through the same thing...I have 3 siblings n they made up their minds to to live their life and left me to take care of my mother alone..It's not easy n everyday it gets worse..All I do is pray..I ask my LORD to help me, to keep giving me strength and more patience.. It can very frustrating and feel like the end of the world..But keep praying.. Pray for her and for u...This is the best medicine..n the most powerful one..
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Hi new to this site. My name's Leah, yes I'm know exactly what your feeling. To make a long story short, I have a 77 yr old mother in law, she's always been kinda snarly at time as she has aged in the 32 yes I've been married to her son,she's gotten worse. We had to do an emergency leave to move her from ia to VA via adult protective services. We tried having her stay with us, but it was a night mare! We love her, but the dementia decline,refusing everything from baths to meds, I was confined to my home 24 -7. As well as my husband evenings and weekends. After taking her to the doctors here,our Dr. , Doing exams and tests and redoing all her meds, we got her in to assisted living, for now. She's on anxiety medication which made a huge difference, it took awhile but she's adjusted and doing well and is on a normal routine. We now visit during the week and it's a calm and nice visit instead of demanding and nasty. You may want to check into it for your mom. I felt exactly like you. She now has cancer of the spleen, we have an appt next week for cancer center and then her son and I will make a decision of what we should do. She also has moderate progressive dementia. Very forgetful,confused, repetitive, and she was angry most of the time until we worked with our primary which is also hers now and made changes to her meds and entered her into the assisted living. Our lives are more normal and calm and she is doing very well. Hope it goes better for you.
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Aother thing we learned,is pick your battles with a dementia patient. I stopped arguing or correcting her. In her mind what she thinks it feels is real, slot of things my mother in law said or thinks or thought need er happened, I learned to console and often change the subject as she forgets right after. It's easier to not make her feel there is something wrong with her, and make her feel safe and secure, like I said the medications help alot! One stableizes the dementia, or tries to slow the progression, the other is anxiety/ upset/ anger, it's working!
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You are NOT a lousy excuse for a daughter! I know EXACTLY how you feel! Half the time, I feel like I have no business caring for a plant let alone another human. This caregiving crap is freaking hard!!! Sometimes it gets tough not to take things personally, but that's when you have to take a break, step away, and realize it's not you. You are NOT doing anything wrong. You are making sure your loved one is safe and cared for. You're doing a wonderful, selfless thing not just for your family but for society as well- that's one less defenseless senior in society because they have you. This is difficult, but you are doing a great job. Remember that!

As for the gun thing, I had a similar experience where I was in the kitchen cooking dinner and Grandma complained I wasn't doing things right as per usual. She was completely up my tail that night and being so annoyingly negative that I fantasized about one fell swoop of the frying pan. My niece and I often joke about this, quoting National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (movie): "Be nice, it could be her last Christmas... If she keeps it up, it WILL be her last Christmas!"

Of course it's all just a fantasy and I would never do anything to harm my loved ones. Violence is never an answer for anything. These fantasies are actually a normal mental coping mechanism, a way to relieve some of the stress and tension in the moment. That being said, if you seriously consider harming yourself or your loved one, you might be going into caregiver burnout and depression; it may be time to look into caregiver support groups, respite and/or therapy.

Lastly, don't feel guilty about leaving to take some time for you- run for the hills! You matter too! You can't pour from an empty cup- take care of yourself. Get your hair and nails done. Go see a movie. Have a nice meal out. Whatever you like to do that gets you out of the house and having fun. God knows us caregivers deserve it!
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I don’t like my mother either. I have a brother and sister who haven’t helped me since my mom moved into my house 2 months ago. I cried every day for the first month. I don’t know if I can do this but I’m not going to let it get to where I need to be hospitalized for depression or a medical issue brought on by stress. I’m also not going to spend money that I saved for retirement on care for my mom. I already canceled a trip to visit my grandchildren in Ohio during winter break and I’m heartbroken over that. You shouldn’t give up your life to take care of your mother. I haven’t read any of the answers you received but I decided after reading your post that I’m going find a therapist and figure out if I should do this or if this is something I’m doing out of guilt. I’m in it for the winter, I’ll give it that long but I’m not dedicating my life to this. I have 2 grown sons and 4 grandchildren and I want to see them all grow up. I would never want my kids to have to take care of me like this. Take care of yourself first. Your mother’s life doesn’t depend on you...your life might depend on you getting away from her.
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Oh WOW you poor thing. No, you are not heartless. You sound like a good person who's been pushed too far.
Has your Mother always been so demanding, or is it the dementia? It really sounds like you need to step back.
Does she "need" someone with her all the time for health issues? Or is it just that she's lonely? I'm afraid if it's the latter then even as a dutiful daughter, it's not your role to be her Entertainment Committee. That's the conclusion I came to with my own Mother, and it's helped a lot.
I still see her two or three times a week, and call her every day I don't see her, but I try to do it on my terms and in my time.
I have to say, if I took her to the movies (which I don't much anymore because she struggles to walk and will NOT use a walking frame), and she refused to wear her hearing aid, I would definitely not take her again. End of story. We are children, not doormats.
I also have discussed with my Mother going to senior activities, but she refused and would only go if I went along. I suggested I could go the first few times until she made friends, but she insisted she would NEVER go on her own. Fine.....be bored. That's her mantra. "I'm bored." So be it.
Sometimes we have to do what's best for ourselves first, in order to be helpful to our elderly parents. You're going to be no help at all if you burn out.
It's hard to do, but I find that ignoring the 'odd and strange' comments has helped me. "What day is it today?" is my favourite. Then five minutes later "What day is it today?" Then again, and again. Just one of many examples. I bite my tongue and tell her each time. If she says something really "off the air", I just change the subject. "Nice weather we're having."
My latest project is to ask her to knit me a scarf. I don't need a scarf, but I'm hoping it'll be something to make her feel useful. Running out of ideas.
Just don't forget - you're amazing!
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