My 98 year old father had a stroke (mild) and was in hospital and rehab for over a month. Prior to that, He was living alone with daily (sometimes twice a day) visits from me. I cooked, cleaned and he was quite happy with this arrangement. Again, being 98 years old he needs help showering, cooking, cleaning and is quite unsteady on his feet. This is now become more than I can take on. I promised him I would never put him in a nursing home and opted for 24/7 care . He is soooo angry at me because his money is being spent down and then Title 19 will kick in. He has always been stubborn and no exaggeration the cheapest man alive (oh the stories I could tell) but I don’t see any other option. I told him I don’t want his money and I want him to enjoy a life and use the money for his care, but he refuses to see it that way. The caregiver told me he slams doors, refuses to take a shower and separates his food from her food! I still visit daily to check in and say hello and ask if he wants to take a ride, go for a bite to eat, but he refuses to talk to me other than yes or no answers. He’s trying so hard to prove he can still live alone and I feel badly, but finding him unconscious on the floor after his stroke was horrible and I can’t and won’t take the chance of that happening again.
Has anyone found themselves in a similar situation?
I get daily reports from the caregiver and they are not positive. Friends tell me I shouldn’t feel guilty for my choices, but it’s difficult having him be so angry at me especially since I don’t know how many years he has left.
This can't be a serious post.
If your Dad is 98, you OP are 60, 70? Let's say you're 70.
At 70, it never occurred to you, that even though someone at 98 is "trying so hard to prove he can still live alone", they might not be making wise decisions, and therefore you're the one taking wise decisions by hiring care? It never occurred to you that if he's refusing to shower, maybe his mind isn't 100% OK?
At 98, he likely doesn't have "many years left" and you have no reason to feel guilt over anything. Most people don't get to live 98 years of life to begin with, so dad's way ahead of this game, still alive and living at home. He should count his blessings and you should stop visiting so often if all you get to see and hear is blustering!
Has your dad been evaluated for depression?
Strokes often cause cognitive changes and mood swings. Getting him seen by a geriatric psychiatrist would be your next positive step.
Or let him have his way. He may die sooner but happy.
Is he willing to compromise and meet you halfway? Instead of 24/7, maybe just a few hours check in each day?
He's safe, cared for and you don't even need to be in the picture if you don't want to.
With my mom, when she got 'in a mood' which happened now and then, I would simply say "I'm leaving and will come back when you are in better spirits". That always settled her down.
But I had the option of walking away for months and months, if I felt like it.
At 98, every day is a 'gift' so to speak. He doesn't HAVE years. It will feel like it, but when he's gone, you'll be surprised at the emotions that will bubble up.
You are doing and have done the best you can. Don't engage with him in 'fights'...and his CG can handle him as best she can--she can always quit, right? So she's probably used to this dynamic in elderly patients. (I'm using 'her' with the assumption that his CG is a woman. You don't say, so I am making a leap here).
Also, not being related to the stinker at hand makes it a lot easier to cope.
You have done NOTHING over which you should feel guilt!! Pre-grief is probably more like it. You won't likely be able to 'mend' your relationship with your dad. That makes us sad and we feel that way until we work through that grief.
Vent all you want. You just take what you want out of the responses and ignore the rest.
What I think was meant by that phrase was that your Dad is 98 and had a stroke. Not only because of his age but too because of his stroke, the is probably decline in his cognitivity . This makes it hard to reason with Dad. He gets angry with you because your the one that is there. What you may want to try and get across to him is that since he is 98 you are a Senior too. And as such, you just don't have the energy it takes to keep up two households. He needs help and you are not paying for it since he has the money. Its either he pays someone and allows them to help him or he needs to go to an Assisted living. You need to say this sitting down in front of him looking him right in the eye and be firm. Its his decision.
I have never heard Medicaid called Title 19. Learned something new today. 😊
https://regs.health.ny.gov/content/section-441199-medicaid-title-xix
“Furthermore, I promise upon all that matters, like clean water and a healthy planet and shoes that fit, I faithfully promise that I’ll continue to wipe your bottom, clean up your dog’s poop, pretend I don’t mind if you vomit all over me ten times a day and can’t understand anything I say, such as I am exhausted and can’t put new batteries in the remote or haul you for a mammogram tomorrow when you no longer get mammograms because you’ve aged out. Yep (mom, dad or other), I will be your caregiver for the next 20 years until you’re 100 years old, sacrificing every pleasure I ever had in life and the right to sleep at night without your pitifully calling out for your parents, who have been dead for 40 years, and begging me to let you go home.
“And dang it, I love feeling guilty! It goes with the territory along with crying quietly in the shower if I get to take one, which sometimes I don’t because your demands are such that I have no time to myself. If only I could go to a nursing home with 24/7 care where I could rest. Because what if I mattered? What if I hadn’t made that promise? What if I had a hope of outliving you, since at the rate we’re going, I’ll join the 30% of caregivers who drop dead before the ones they’re caring for?”
The Promise. It’s not a Hallmark movie. And no one should ever make it.
I’m saving it.
Nice that dad wants his elderly child to do everything for him with no consideration about your physical limitations or health issues. The epitome of selfish.
His money will stretch further in a facility which us where he will wind up once the money for 24/7 caregivers runs out.
You COULD say she's being responsible by doing that (especially with all the stuff we keep hearing about social workers telling "kids" that they can be criminally prosecuted for not caring for their parents, which I think is hogwash) but if dad doesn't want a live in, then one could say "whatever you wish, sir" and let him figure it out for himself.
I just don't think THAT's going to make him any less angry.
I had a social worker in CA tell me that by law I had to move back home to care for my father, or move him to me. I told her to go back to social worker school because she clearly doesn’t know her job.
Your local Agency for Aging can help with placement , or if he ends up in the hospital ask to speak to a social worker about placement in a nursing home if he has no caregivers willing to work for him . Don’t let the social worker tell you that you have to take him home. You tell the social worker that it’s an unsafe discharge , there is no one to care for him .
Also many of us here wish we never heard the statement of promising to keep out of a SNF
I don’t have much to add to the responses here, but this was perhaps the best thing for me after putting my mom in assisted living. If mom fell, or had a stroke, or—as finally happened a few weeks ago—had a massive aneurysm and was found unresponsive, there were medical professionals there who knew what to do. Trained people, emotionally detached, who were able to do what needed to be done.
The blessing of of having a TEAM at an AL facility was immeasurable, IMO. All the burden of each task is not on one person, and that includes a full-time caregiver who is human, and who also has limited capacity to cope.
He doesn’t know it, but he might really benefit from friends in an AL to complain with. Seriously. It’s helpful to have people with whom you can share your woes.
Wishing you the best of luck.
*if someone else is handling his finances, give them the CG bill, or if your able, pay the bills out your money- keep the receipts- get reimbursed from your fathers estate. I know this sounds like it’s all about the money- but if it makes your father happier, then a plan like this may help.
Next week his remaining car is about to be “stolen” to keep him from driving.
We do what we have to do.
I would suggest cameras in your father's home if he doesn't want the live in help. But keep the help coming in for those showers that he can't do by himself and I would suggest maybe a male CNA it may help with the modesty.
With my BIL we unplugged the stove because he left it on and we had his use a microwave for his food which we covered the numbers up and left the ones he would use unmarked.
When we found out that my BIL laid on the ground outside of his apartment for 30 minutes that is when he went into a nursing home with memory care. I had to spend down his finances to get him back on Medicaid which jumping thru hoops is how to explain it for me. I did all of his paperwork without any help until the nursing home stepped in to help me. Some people don't understand Medicaid. With Medicaid you can only have $2000 personally and all the other finances goes to Medicaid or in my BIL's case it goes to the nursing home with only $50 going to his account. The other $2000 will go for clothes and anything else he would need they don't supply.
Prayers
I am in a complicated situation with my 93 year old father (and a close Aunt who had a stroke 4 yrs ago). Going from being able to take care of yourself to totally dependent is devastating . With a stroke patient vascular dementia is also a possibility and could explain the behavior. At 98 the care increases substantially and it is exhausting for the caregiver. There’s a risk you will lose your sense of self and your health. This is the time to make that tough decision and find a place that specializes in elder care. You are NOT being selfish. You cannot care for him if you are unwell. Do you have siblings?
The work to place your father is overwhelming - I know - I’ve lost my physical and emotional health in 13 years of trying to live my life and taking on the responsibility of caring for both parents. Who were divorced. Is it worth it? Maybe. If you had a great relationship with your parents it’s easier but I was in a quite dysfunctional household. Do you have siblings that help? My heart understand your position. This is the chapter of our lives that we are never quite prepared for but we keep trying. Just so you are aware of the physical toll I wish on no one - i am dealing with serious health issues at the same time taking care of my father. I lost my Mom 6 yrs ago. I don’t know what my future holds at this point. I sacrificed my happiness and health when I felt responsible to take this on. Funny part is. I had to struggle through my entire life and with very little support. When my Mom died my life lost the one thing I could count on - unconditional LOVE 💔. I am only 67 and want to create a life for myself as they did too. I was in a support group until COVID and I can tell you our stories are all different and it helps to connect to find a healthy balance of life,
I wish you the best - you are an Angel on earth walking among a broken world. Give, but don’t sacrifice yourself. You do deserve to find happiness in life. It’s OK to care about yourself. You are selfless and to want your father to get care that is available is not being selfish. Please Take care of you ♥️
Tell him that the options are:
He get along with having a caregiver
He moves into Assisted Living.
AL is NOT a Skilled Nursing facility ( AKA "nursing home" )
You can not make promises that you "never put him in a "nursing home" . You have no idea what the future holds and if a Skilled Nursing facility would be where he would get the best care why would you deny him that? If Assisted Living would provide better care, more activity, more socialization why would you not entertain that idea?
However, with your dads attitude, yes, it’s made a good situation very difficult.
I agree with some others on here. Sit him down and tell him it’s this caregiver or a facility. Tell him you will visit less if he’d prefer (but still stay in daily communication w/caregiver - he doesn’t need to know). Also, praise, plead and do whatever you can to keep your caregiver staying on. Listening to BS and abuse all day isn’t easy. Give the caregiver little rewards and incentives.
Do not feel guilty at all. Lay down the law with Dad and don’t back down. Tough love. He really has it made…he needs to see that. Maybe he never will.
But you are doing everything you can. Try and think what your dad really liked…gardening? Help him in garden. Baseball? Take him to some games. Poker? Start an old guys game. Music? Make sure the caregiver has music on for him. There must be things he’d really enjoy. Try softening the situation by making sure these things are always available to him. Get the caregiver involved too, so he can see they are also invested in his happiness.
Not to be down on the caregiver, but is this the right person? You may need to think that over.
Sadly you can only do so much. It’s a question of his safety now and you can’t back down from that.
I will warn you - be prudent in your decisions regarding your father. Don't get trapped in the feeling of guilt....I did. I moved in with my mom to be with her and take care of her, although she was a very independent, stubborn, caring and loving individual. I was guilted about everything that had anything to do with my life or my independence. Friends, dating, working, etc. Soon, my "life" faded away and there was my mom and I. Resentment ensued and I felt smothered, and I was, and angry. And, then one day, it was just me. Now, I have more guilt due to what I didn't do, say or accomplish for her along with the anger I feel about the loss of what "could have and should have" been for me....listen to you gut on this and your head...our heart sometimes leads us in a direction that will lead to heartache in so many ways. Take care and my very best to you and your dad.
Also, IF you stay the course and he ends up on Medicaid then what? Are you going to put him into a nursing home (what I call "warehouses for the elderly")? At least explore the P.A.C.E. program so he can stay in his home.
p.s. I have seen a lot. Five years of daily caring for my mother IN a "high end" "warehouse for the elderly" where she was subjected to institutionalized neglect. Visits with many assisted living residents who are unhappy. Visits with a 92 year old neighbor living at home alone, refusing help (she had some for a bit after rehab and detested it), and living in what would be considered squalor by my standards - but content.
p.p.s. I NEVER want to be in a LTC facility (assisted or skilled nursing). In all seriousness, I'd rather pass on.
I say stand your ground and spell it out for him.
He is in his own home but that could change if he doesn’t accept this help.
Me and my sisters went through this with our mom and dad mainly because it was my dad who was refusing the help. Anyway, things are different now. It’s been a couple of years since the stroke. He has a caregiver 5 days a week to assist him with his daily activities and my sister moved in so there is always someone there.
I hope you can explain to your dad that if he doesn’t have someone around to make sure he is safe, then he could have a bad fall, break his hip and end up in a rehab for possibly the rest of his remaining years.
You are doing the absolute best for him that you can. I am totally on your side on this one!
The best to you.
Your friends are not supportive talking to you like this ... although they likely are unaware of what they are doing.
You need to do what you need to do. Period.
He will be angry and react. Realize he is scared, confused, and wants what he wants and what is familiar to him - you.
If he is behaving in ways unacceptable to the facility, perhaps you need to talk to his MD about adjusting medication. You do not want him kicked out of a facility due to unacceptable behavior.
As he is able to understand, offer REFLECTIVE LISTENING.
- Be compassionate in understanding how he feels from his point of view.
- Reflect his words back to him. "Yes, I hear you saying xxx"
- Acknowledging his feelings / words is not agreeing with him. It lets him know you hear / are listening to him - that you care.
It sounds like you / facility staff is expecting more from him than he has the cognitive ability to do - his brain has / is changing.
For the most part,
He isn't being 'difficult' on purpose. He cannot help it. And, from his point of view, he is 'speaking out,' 'acting out' for his life. He is scared. He needs a compassionate voice / comfort, combined with clear boundaries and procedures / routine.
This is as difficult for him as it is for you. It is just hard when our loved ones get to a point they need - what they do not want - change, loss of independence, loss of physical and mental abilities - as one used to have. It hurts and it is hard.
You are certainly not alone. Many of us experience these heartbreaking situations. Be as gentle with him and yourself as you can be.
Gena / Touch Matters