People talke about putting parents in assistive living or nursing homes. How do they do it if parents do not want to go. My mother is still capable of making decissions. She has dementia which has caused aphasia. She has lost most of her capability to talk and writes notes but so far pays her own bills and such. The doctors are now saying she should not live alone but they say they cannot force her and want us to move her but how do we do this. I am her power of attorney but she is not imcompident. plus complication. One of my sister lived with her for awhile and verbably abused her. Mom made me promise she would not move back in. Now Mom is panicing and says my sister has changed (three month sense last fit) and wants her to move back in. I just do not know how to force her to go into the assistive Living apartment she put her name to get.
You live too far away to take care of your mother where she is, but obviously you wouldn't be too far away if she lives with you! I don't understand your sisters' point. You live too far away from them?
It sounds like you also want to do this without causing divisions within the familly. Good for you! I wonder if a family meeting, perhaps conducted by an impartial outsider, would be a good idea. Including the brothers, and your mother, as well as you girls, in a discussion about what is the best long-term solution for Mother. This is not about which child is right, of what the children's rights are, it is about what is right for Mother.
One question -- the critical one right now -- is Where should Mother live? Close behind it is How will this be paid for? If she goes into AL, that comes out of her assets/income. If she goes to live with one of her children, there are also expenses that need to come out of her funds. For example, the primary caregiver absolutely needs some respite. Don't get into a position where you are the primary caregiver but you have to beg a POA sister to spend money for Mother's care while you take occasional time off.
My best wishes to you are you work this out. Please keep us informed.
rights or what can I do? I don't want to fight with any of my siblings, or go to court.
But, my Mother is so dear to me it is breaking my heart. My mother can remember a lot still, her short term memory is really bad, and the doctor says she needs 24/7 care. I have had experience in the nursing homes, and a strong back.
She doesn't require much care now, but I want to take care of her till the end of her life. The sisters just tell me and give me excuses that I live too far away.:(
AF
Hap
Even without the legal means to make decisions for her, you can make decisions for yourself. You can decide not to have your mother live with you. Then where will she go? I would get Social Services involved at this point, if they are not already. Here is an elderly woman whose doctor says she cannot live alone. What are her options? Make it clear that you will do everything you can for her, but not in your own home/place of business.
That is kind of the easy part. Now, how do you make that palatable to Mom? Boy, I hope other caregiver can help with that. I'm sure it isn't going to be easy. How far into the 3 month trial period are you? Is it time for a discussion about what isn't working for you so far? Is there some third party your mother would perceive as neutral who could help conduct a meeting about this?
You apparently don't want Mom to smoke or drink. (Who could blame you?) Was that part of the explicit agreement in the beginning? Or did you just assume she would continue without them as she had in the hospital, and she just assumed that once she was out of the hospital she could resume? What does her doctor say about this? For example, my husband's doctor says up to 2 alcoholic drinks a way are OK for him, unless I notice that they impair his walking or his cognitive abilities. Maybe getting her one scotch before dinner wouldn't be disasterous -- or maybe it would be a very bad idea. The point is that lots and lots of details like this have to be worked out in order to live peacefully together. And maybe there really is no way for this to continue successfully and you could have a much better relationship with your mother if you visited her frequently elsewhere and didn't feel like you had to take responsibility for her behavior.
Try to get an outside profession involved if at all possible.
Our mother was diagnosed and then about six years into the disease I really had problems getting her to take her meds, bathe and she was dangerous. She would leave things on and walk around town whenever she had the chance. We wouldn't know where she was. Other people then saw that she was at a disadvantage and started taking advantage of her. She would walk to her bank and she withdrew over $6,000 in cash that she never knew what she did with the money.
Your loved one will never "want" to go to a facility. And it takes them a while to get accustomed to somewhere other than home. I started about a year before Mom got really bad and we would go and look at "Open Houses" and would attend activities that the different homes would open to the public.
She never, ever wanted to go. It was very difficult for a year. She accused me of stealing from her (but she accused everyone else also). She told me she hated me and when she looked at me, she really did hate me.
But the truth is, now she thinks as the nursing home as her home. She is not alone or isolated. The nurses know how to handle her when she doesn't want to take her meds or take a bath.
She rolled out of bed last year and fractured her back. This year she went into a comatose state because her heart was over worked because her thyroid was out of whack.
I always feel guilty that she is in the home and she has a way of even making me feel worse. But I know I can live with that guilt...I couldn't live with the guilt if she would die in my care because I didn't handle a situation correctly.
God Bless and write again soon....Sherri
Make sure they visit the community and dine with and talk to the residents there; it will go a long way for their comfort level and you will learn quite a lot about the real story on the community you are considering.
The doctor idea is a GREAT one and can be very successful. Use it whenever possible.
When you speak to your parents about the concept of the move, try not to present it to them as something they must do for themselves. Telling Mom she has to move because she is incapable of self care will only get you a ton of push back. Instead, present it more like: "Mom, you and Dad have been making sacrafices and doing things for us kids your whole lives, and we love you and admire you for it. But, WE need to ask you to do one more thing for US, please make this move so we can stop worring.
I hope this is some small help to some of you.
Much of the resistance of elders to ASL's or NH's is fear of the unknown. If you can knock down a lot of the unknowns, your will eventually succeed.
David Fitch
http://elderlawminnnesota.com
My overall approach in trying to influence people in a good direction is to find someone whom they respect greatly and discuss the concern with them. If they agree with me, I encourage them to discuss this with ___ in generalities or ask them if I have their permission to quote them to ___. For example, my mother greatly respects the opinion of the family lawyer. Her trust level of me is high enough that often I would share what ___ thought of ____ and she'd go alone because the lawyer thought it was a good idea. My mom's neurologist was so tactful that she never really grasped what he was saying to her about assisted living. So, quoting him never got us anywhere.
I would check the different facilities, and get her on a waiting list...you can tell her that this is what the doctor has ordered, and ultimately it will be a sound move for everyone involved.
My own Mom was told by her doctor to make such a move, and coming from a person with a medical background-I was fortunate she went along with it.
AL is not the end of the world-and she will still be able to maintain some/ or most of her independance. She may even thrive with all the activities many of the AL facilities have to offer.
Good luck!
My mother was able to write checks for several years before her stroke which along with a broken hip forced her into a nursing home. However, the ability to write checks does not mean competency to handle one's business which she did not do for since all of this exploded I've been working with a CPA to file 6 years of past due taxes.
It will be much better for you and your relationship with your mother if someone else can help her see her need to go to assisted living. Otherwise, you will have to wait until she is willing or some crisis takes place like with my own mother.
If the parent is able to do MOST things for themselves, and not endangering their own lives, why can't they continue to live in their own homes? Your Mom is paying her own bills and communicating by writing. (My Mom could no way be paying her own bills....I do all of that) Your Mom must have her wits about her, I would think. Maybe your sister could have another chance at caring for her, and you could install a Nanny-cam to make sure that there is not verbal abuse going on. Another idea would be to get somebody to give your sis a break on a somewhat regular basis, so that she can get some stress relief. She might not have the degree of patience it takes to care for an elderly parent on a constant duty. A break each day might help immensely. I would encourage you to try to let your Mom have her wishes met as long as possible. If it doesn't work out, at least you'll know you gave it a shot.
Best of luck to you. I can totally relate.
I know from personal experience that trying to force your elderly mom to do something is not good for your relationship.
I slightly understand dementia but know that it's different for every person. I don't know what aphasia is at all.
I've known people with dementia that their minds lived more in the past than they did the now. The retained good memories and would refer to them often.
I guess before you even approach your mother about moving I'd research the assisted living facilities in your neighborhood. In our area they are much higher than living at home and hiring a part time home care provider. The benefit usually is they make the meals for them and provide maybe 20 minutes of personal time a day. But you can hire someone to make the meals, do laundry, talk to your mom and help with the bills.
I am not an expert, I've just seen struggles that occur with a family when not united on an idea.