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Please "put your foot down" and set some boundaries. You are not responsible for your elderly parents - and especially if they were not good parents. Just because somebody is a biological relative does NOT mean that we need to "like them" or help care for them.
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Today is a difficult day. Had another discussion and lots of time and financial pressure was put on by others. And it all seems to be about self interest of step parent. I resisted it. There is a rift. I am feeling huge anxiety and depression about this whole situation now. I need to batten down the hatches and look after myself I think, It might mean that I cut off all communication at some point if it gets too much,
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Isthisrealyreal Jan 2020
Do what you need to protect yourself.

Of course it will escalate, be prepared. That's how some people get their way. They make it easier to do what they want then to deal with their uglies.

You can do this!! Hugs!
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One thing that I want to clarify, your parent and stepparent are responsible to pay the bill for the care required.

Once all their assets are depleted according to the rules then they can get assistance, but that should never come from you or your siblings. You all have your retirement to plan for.
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Anyonymous1 Jan 2020
Thanks. Yes this is true. Step parent is wanting to avoid liquidating the assets to keep on living an expensive lifestyle and trying to get the children to pay the costs because there is no liquidity. But ultimately they will be forced to liquidate if they cant come up with the money themselves
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I have one standing rule when it comes to these things. If you should wake up next week or next year, and be given news that this parent has died — are YOU comfortable and without regret regarding what you gave or did for that parent?

In situations like this where it’s not about some super-perfect parent/person who showed you nothing but love for all of your life — that is all I go by because all that matters to me is how *I* feel, since I’m the one who has to live with what I did or didn’t do for that person.

Some of us with parent issues can tell you to cut ties easily. Some of us with good relationships with parents can say, “They’re still your parents...” and suggest you do more. Also, how you deal with the events of your childhood is different than how I may have dealt with it with my personality, right?

You're the one who will go on living after this parent is long gone. All that matters is you making sure you will feel no regret. This isn’t about whether this parent (you don’t indicate mom or dad, or even a pronoun so I can guess!) was a good parent to you or not, as much as you doing what YOU feel is enough as the child of said parent. That is entirely subjective.

Good luck.
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Anyonymous1 Jan 2020
Thanks very much. This is good advice. I am probably focussing too much on the opinions of other people who don't know what I have been through and are quick to judge and place pressure upon me. What does matter is what I dp. To be honest with myself I don't think I will regret not to much other than a visit for a couple of hours every so often, once a month or something.
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You are not responsible for helping in any way.

Step parent is responsible for their spouse.

My dad went and married a whore that alienated him from his entire family, when he became ill, she left. He called on me. I helped him get better by making sure that he was receiving the best care possible. I could not have him in my home, nor could I feel much because of his choices. I had already grieved the loss of my dad and I wasn't willing to go through the games again.

This truly isn't your problem, when people start putting pressure on you, you can tell them it is none of their business, period. Do 9nky what you feel able to do, but don't give up your security so they don't have to live in a facility that they don't want to or be where they don't want to be, this is what they planned for. You are not responsible to suffer the consequences of their bad choices.
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Tracy27 Jan 2020
"You are not responsible to suffer the consequences of their bad choices." This resonates with me; thank you for the reminder. We help our elders however our lives allow for us to do so, but the truth is that we need to both do the morally and ethically right thing but also protect ourselves, lest their seemingly deliberate failure to account for their own end-of-life needs become an ongoing midlife crisis for us.
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I got the impression that OP does not live in the US.

 "I don't have enough to afford to buy a home as a live in an extremely expensive part of the world."
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Anyonymous1 Jan 2020
There are expensive parts of USA. But I don't really want to say either way as I am wanting to maintain as much anonymity as possible.
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I really am sorry that you are in this nightmare.

My mother was a mean, physically and verbally drunk who abused me when I was little. It makes me sick to think back on how she could treat her own kid that way. I was so little...

Anyways, you DO NOT owe your parent Anything! DON'T you Dare use YOUR MONEY to pay for their care!!

You only do what you are willing to do and if you decide to do nothing then do nothing. You have all rights to walk away if that is what is best for you. Because I live with my mother I can tell you that all the old painful memories will come back like a flood that can drown you. If I knew then what I know now I would have walked away yrs ago!

Your parent made his or her bed and he/she can lay in it. You don't owe them anything! You are worth being love and you deserve to have peace and joy.


Some parents do not deserve the respect or love from their kids!


Hugs!!
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Anyonymous1 Jan 2020
Thanks for your thoughts Shell :)
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I had an emotionally and physically abusive childhood. One parent chose a new spouse (after divorcing my other parent), and their new children they had together, over me. I became the scapegoat, but the problem was I half-rejected and half-believed the narrative. One of my new half-sibs became the golden child. I tried for 40 years to have a good relationship with parent and step parent, to no avail.

The thing is, the abuse continued into adulthood. I was physically hurt and had very serious physical conditions in my childhood which parent and step parent ignored, and which I didn't even get properly diagnosed until my adulthood. When I was a very young adult and was hit by a car as a pedestrian, I called my parent crying and asking for help, and the parent changed the subject, and quickly hung up. I began to hide my health problems from them, relying only on myself or my closest friends. At 40, after one final abusive phone call from the parent, I decided to go no contact. It has been years, and I have felt free and happy--well, freer and happier--since that decision.

All this to say that even if I were still in limited contact with the parent and step parent, I would never lift a finger to help them. They had the chance to have a good relationship with me when I was totally dependent upon them as a child. They failed that test. I would never put myself in the position of helping them. A dynamic of scapegoating will only be exacerbated once a parent's health turns in their elderly years. It's a terrible thing, trying to help someone who brings up such heartache. It engenders actual physical pain to be in the abusers' presence. It's not just, 'oh, they make me stressed out'. It's physical, emotional and mental torture to think about them or talk with them, or read an email from them. Heck, I still have a visceral reaction when I see their name.

I had PTSD for decades, and I didn't even know it until so late in my life.

The golden child texted me a few years ago saying that parent had some heart issues and was in the ER. I composed many, many responses in my mind to that text, but in the end did not answer it. I am still in limited contact with the golden child, who is otherwise a nice enough person, although with their own issues.

I hope this has been of help to you. It seems strange sharing this intimate story online.
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Anyonymous1 Jan 2020
Sorry to hear about your experience but thanks for sharing it. Your situation of the accident as a young adult is the sort of situation I have worried about happening that if something happened to me they would never have helped. Luckily I haven't had to test that.
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My mother was an abusive manipulative drunk, and she hates women to boot. I spent most of my adult life trying to make peace, a total waste of time. I have not spoken to her for 8 years and never will again.

To make a long story short, she had to be placed in AL, my brother was the go between, I worked behind the scene found a home for her, packed up her furniture and waited for the movers. We will go back in March, clean out her house and put it up for sale. She lived in NC we in Fl, she is now in Fl.

So, my conscious is clear, I have done what I am willing to, and no more, she is safe, she is in a lovely facility and she loves it!

My boundaries are cast in stone, I will not waiver. It was me or her, I chose me.

Good Luck!
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Shell38314 Jan 2020
Good for you Dolly. There are times in life were we just need to pick ourselves over other people!😊
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Do NOT work yourself to the bone to protect the good sibling's inheritance.  Tell anyone who asks that the parents will have to sell their assets and go into assisted living, but you cannot make them do so.   Call Adult Protective Services in the county they live in, and they will appoint a guardian if needed, who can make this happen.
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Please could someone else on the Forum provide the reference to the book (and any other material) about Boundaries, and also the title of the function for organising and supervising care? I can’t remember the details, in spite of the number of times I have read them.
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anonymous912123 Jan 2020
Codependent No More by Melody Bettie. With a religious undertone there is Boundaries by Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Amazon has a host of books on Boundaries.
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Following your comments about a ‘good’ sibling, could you offer support to him/her in researching Medicaid, Medicare, Assisted Living, Nursing Homes and/or Memory Care? Yes it is complex and a pain in the butt, but it gets you out of contact with your parent and could be a real support to your sibling. You don’t want to alienate the one person who has been OK for you, but this is another case of empathy control to something you can cope with. It might be a very good idea to steer things in the direction of a facility, not personal in-home care. I hope that all the comments are helping you to get a handle on things. Yours, Margaret
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Anyonymous1 Jan 2020
Thanks Margaret. Yes actually I have been doing a lot of researching in the background and discussing matters with the good sibling. I think that we are kind of on the same page now actually.
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Just read thru the thread.... i think you know exactly what to do. Run the other way as fast as you can. In your situation, you dont owe them anything or any explanation, just say NO!!
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I don’t think you have any obligation to them. I have that kind of relationship with my father who was an abusive father. He’s now 96 and we just put him in a nursing home. He begs us to go home but I really don’t have any feelings toward him. He was lucky that I got him into a VA hone that is very nice. So that’s all I’m doing.
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Anyonymous1 Jan 2020
Thanks Kashi. Did you fund the care home or was it paid from his assets or the govt?
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I was severely abused as a child and I had 8 glorious years of peace before Adult Protective Services contacted me to help. They called the first time in late May or early June; at the time, I told them that her behaviors seemed normal to her and that I was not available. In July they called again, and hubby & I decided to find out more.

I was afraid she would shoot me, so hubby drove her home while I worked with the attorney on emergency guardianship. We put her into a memory care here immediately, even while we worked with her problems. I found I could not visit or take her to the doc alone. She still has would slap & spit at me, but if hubby were there, she was fine. I moved my visits to monthly with the good advice of some of the ladies on this forum who heard what this torture did to me.

Your step father has choices, and he knows it. So what if he hoards the money and keeps it from mom's care? She picked him and then stayed with him even as she knew him more and more. You have no obligation to work or pay for mom.

If anyone asks you about why aren't you serving mama, you can always say, "As a survivor of her childhood abuse, it's best if I'm not in any hands on care for her. Thank you for your concern." The statement is true and makes the inquirer wish they hadn't asked.
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Anyonymous1 Jan 2020
Thank you. Sorry to hear about your own back ground. Your right my parent chose my step parent so I guess that has been their chose to decide where to place their trust.
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My mother was emotionally and physically abusive towards me (we haven't spoken in years) I've told all family I will NOT take care of my mom if she ever needs care.

I feel no guilt.

J
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Hi! Where is the pressure coming from? From your parent, step-parent, or other people ‘in the family’? In some US states there is legislation about ‘filial’ obligation. You need to check if there is something like that locally, and if it would apply to you in view of your difficult upbringing and your parent’s financial behaviour. If there is nothing like this applying to you, then you can choose what to do. ‘No’ is a complete answer. You have no responsibility to step in and make up for the fact that they have taken no responsibility for their own future. If you are going to put yourself in other people’s shoes, there is no limit to the things you can feel sorry about. I had a very difficult father, and there is absolutely no way I would have taken this on, either financially or as a time commitment.

Who else is there who could take on planning for what needs to happen? Is there someone in the family, for instance someone who is putting pressure on you? You are correct in saying that it is very complex. Your parents could hire someone to do it – other posters can suggest how to go about it. It might be a good way to spend their money now.

Perhaps the best thing to do is to make a firm decision about what you are prepared to do. While you are doing 5 hour care sessions, it is quite likely that other people will think that you can continue to do as much or more in the future. Setting ‘boundaries’ is really important. I suggest you don’t talk about the 3-weekly entertainment option – it is not a helpful thing to offer your parent or other family members, and just keeps the confusion going about where you stand. Don’t start on FOG (Fear Obligation and Guilt), or let other people drop it on you. Make a decision and stick to it!

Best wishes, Margaret
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Anyonymous1 Jan 2020
Thanks very much Margaret. I am pretty sure that there are no legal obligations upon me where I am. But thanks for raising it, I could have another look.
Pressure has been getting place upon me by other relatives. Once from an extended relative. I caved in based on blood ties but then later was very angry thinking how dare they, I have had next to nothing to do with them in my life and they have no status in it. So I am going to need to be a bit more territorial about my resources towards others in the future. A couple of times from the step parent.
Another has been from a sibling. Actually the only one in my family who has ever been supportive of me. So this is a bit trickier. As I don't really want them ending up shouldering it all. But I guess it also is their choice. This is also the person taking the most lead in trying to organise things.

To be honest I don't want to spend a cent on the situation. So I am going to have to really firmly stand my ground on that issue. I could maybe be a little bit more flexible with time, but again I just don't have a lot of resource to throw at this time or money and feel bitter about it, because of the past. Fair point about emphasising empathy too much. A lot of people have a lot of problems. If the shoe was on the other foot my parent and step parent would never have been visiting me so much or paying for my care.
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You will find a lot of people from dysfunctional families. And for what ever reason, they have ended up being the caregiver. Or, they are in your shoes and want no part of it. I am sure you will get a lot of responses.

Since u don't seem to live in the US not sure what kind of resources are available to your parent. Or the laws in reference to what your legal responsibility is towards him.
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Anyonymous1 Jan 2020
Thanks Jo Ann. I think that there are some resources available. But they also have some assets but they are all tied up and inefficiently managed and there is very little liquidity or cashflow at present. It might be best if I just let the wheels fall off and then they might be bound to sell off to raise money. But them I am worried that the step parent has control of the assets and might just refuse to contribute them leaving my parent unable to claim govt care but unable to get his care paid for. But maybe this will never happen, I don't know. Its all very legally, emotionally and relationally complex.

Yes I am interested to hear from people from abusive parents who have faced these issues and how they dealt with them. I hope there are some who can share experiences.
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