How do you deal with a mother so mean and abusive?

I'm in Canada so I don't know what help there would be in the US. If you have court ordered guardianship can that be enforced somehow so you can get your dad into AL or a NH?

Wait a minute. How come 3 adults in the house can't (or won't) give him his meds. Why? Is there something underlying like wanting him gone to a NH, wanting his money or? I know that sounds harsh but there must be some reason they won't co-operate. As you have guardianship can you force the issue and have him put in a NH or AL? How is he mentally?

My mother has Parkinsons, has had a number of strokes (which she's come back from) and has had dementia for some years. She has life long been a narcissistic, mean and evil woman, knocking me about and pushing me away since I was very small and all I do and have done for her is merely duty. I gave up my home and career to move 200km and spend 4 years as a slave/punching bag, trapped in her basement, unable to go anywhere due to her constant falls and demands. Every ER in that small city has a chair with my name on it and I was almost on a first name with the paramedics. Eventually she had a major fall and spent a month in hospital, bitching all the way. Our doc advised that I put my foot down and not take her back as the social services agencies will just keep tossing them back to you and write them off.

Planning to move back into the country and lead a simpler lifestyle, I got her into a lovely NH not far from the wee cottage I bought. She's Jekyll and Hyde - she'll be reasonable for a few days, then she'll be on the phone ranting, raving and bashing me over the head. Of course it's just the dementia and she'll nap and have forgotten all about it but each episode leaves me rattled. I get to the stage where my stomach thunders at the mere thought of having to deal with her.

I recently took a stand and when she gets nasty I don't call or visit for a few days, when I get weepy messages on my phone "Don't abandon me, you're all I've got". Eventually call her and sort her out and she's fine ... for a while. She has no friends, having alienated the few she had over the years so I'm "it".

This afternoon I got a call from her.

(1) Someone called her between 8 & 9 last evening, was it me? Nope. I know to call just after breakfast or lunch as she sleeps most all the time. Well she was mad about it and bashed me for ever daring to think I could call in the evening.

(2) "I've been thinking (that's always bad for my health!) I should get a little house like yours". Really? Reminded that she can't look after herself, can't get groceries, cook (hasn't used more than a microwave in 15 years), clean, deal with garbage or take care of a house she screamed at me "Yes I can" - she can't even walk unaided! When she gets on these toots her answer to "Who's going to take care of you?" is "YOU" ... nope, not happening, I can't do 24/7 which is what she needs.

Spent today up a ladder - in the middle of renos to this wee cottage which needs a lot of work, along with 2 acres which takes me 3 hours to mow with the tractor. In the middle of nowhere surrounded by fields and forests I love it here and am prepared to work to make it a nice little home.

I am NOT prepared to take any more of the cr*p I've taken for a lifetime. My phone just went and I let the machine pick it up. It's her again and I'll listen and take a nap with my dogs/cats. I will not call her back. I may eventually change my phone number so she can't get at me. I've been considering it for some time.

My point is that, eventually, you have do the best you can, give it your all and have the courage to walk away. The relief is incredible.

There is so much in all the posts that I have read that is my mother, in one aspect or another. At first, no one believed me, I tried desperately for someone to just listen, until I found this site.

I am coping better, and finally got my mother to go to the doctor, and they re-prescribed my mother her medicines. Zoloft, Xanax, blood pressure medicine, Namenda etc.... Now everyone who was on my side as far as believing me, with how she acted and how she treated me, believe that maybe I'M THE ONE with the problem. After dealing with my father's passing, all the while dealing with her, and still no help from family or friends. (They at one time believed me.) Now with mother starting back on her prescription medication, she is more calm and can hold a conversation a little longer. Soooo, it must be me now.

Now, I hear, I don't see what your saying about mom. She seems to be doing so much better after father has passed. Little do they know, but the questions they ask, and her replies are basically what I have told her. She NOW can repeat questions, from what I have been telling her. It is going around full circle again. No one called her after my father died. NOW on mother's day, no one can see any difference in her behavior from before my father passed... AM I the one lost? or is my mother still the narcisstic, pity seeking woman she has always been?

I would really like a response, from anyone so that I know I'm not the one going through mental illness. I am totally at wits end. Either that, or my sisters and brother feel, they don't have to worry as much. Maybe, I'm just helpless forever

Magicianne, it sounds like you need a family meeting refereed by either the police or a DHS social worker. They may not want to believe Mom has dementia and find it easier to believe you are the bad guy, but maybe someone can set them straight that sometimes dementia comes with delusions. And I hope you can get your dad out of there!

Hopeless, yours is truly a case of no good deed goes unpunished. You pulled off a minor miracle in getting your mom medicated and acting and feeling better, and now no one can imagine that's what made the difference. If it helps any, my daughter's fiance just got started on a little Celexa after some very angry episodes on his job, and its been the same kind of turnaround. (PTSD? What PTSD?) - He is a veteran and highly entitled to his PTSD, and hopefully will continue getting support and counseling for it - he is very good at what he does, and they made it a point that if he got help he got to keep his job.

Anyways, FWIW, *I* believe you! If I had a nickel for every time I heard "she's sharp as a tack" just because my mom recognized people and conversed a little, plus could memorize the date from the sign on the wall long enough to give the doctor the right answer...well I would not be a millionaire but I'd have enough for a couple months worth of good coffee.

and Ashlynne, I can totally relate to you and your living situation with "mother". I live next door, but have to take care of a big farm, with over 300 acres... all by myself, with mother and no other help.

I still do love it here, I do not live with her, but I do live about 100 yards away. I refuse to give up my sanctuary to live with her. My family wants me to move in, but remember, "mother" seems normal to us..... They all want what's here when she is gone, but no one helps with the upkeep and "mother". She has no will, poa etc..... the only thing I have is her medical poa.. but, I was informed recently, that any decisions should go through all the siblings first... she is 83

vstefans...... Am I just feeling sorry for myself? I feel so alone and sad all the time. No friends, due to the fact, I might ask (Lord forbid) for a favor... lol I try not to be a burden to anyone and have lost everything.... my job, my health, my friends, my bank accounts and I could go on and on I guess. When I start thinking that way, I feel like I AM the one wanting a pity party ;( thanks everyone for letting me vent ;) I really DO appreciate this site and the help, good or bad from everyone who posts.. like I said before, brothers and sisters in arms!!!!!!

when I mentioned earlier about a "farm"....it is not a working farm.... just a lot of grass and unused equipment, rusted and no longer used. I receive a small social security check from retiring early..to help mom and dad.. So don't misunderstand, and think I have the money to support a mother, who thinks everyone should work for free, and refuses to give me money for groceries, her dogs food etc..... I am totally busted. My family does not help me either. Even my whole family, uncles, cousins etc.... never ask how "I'm doing"..... just how is my mom.... I guess, sometimes I feel like the hired help, but with no monetary compensation, or a "atta girl" your doing a great job... just wanted to clarify. We are by no means well off. In fact, I don't know how much longer the house I live in, will still be standing. ""sigh"""" around and around and around we go.. thanks to all for sharing your helpful answers and suggestions. I really do appreciate them.

Wait, what? Not a real farm, just a pile of junk that can rust away just as peacefully as if you do nothing with it, and 100 yards away and that's not close enough? W.T. h-e-double hockey sticks. And you gave up everything else you had, you get no recognition for what you have done, AND you stand to get nothing...while you use your reduced social security check to take care of Mom and Dad and they give you nothing - and - and - and I repeat: W.T. h-e-double hockey sticks! That really is pitiful, so absolutely have a pity party for how this has all played out, but at some point you need to say the party's over! You absolutely should not be paying all Mom's expenses instead of trying to do something to provide for your own retirement - what on earth, why on earth is this OK with anybody (besides your mom, who by all accounts is not thinking straight, despite what heads-in-the-sand siblings wish to believe??) Has no one ever given you permission, let alone a mandate, to take care of yourself? it is noble to want to avoid being a burden, but how can you, if you end up with no home, no employment, no friends or activities in your life, and such a meager income?

OMG.... vstefans... Hearing this from someone out of the circle of non-believing "We have mom's interest" people, it is so eye opening... Especially, the one sister, that I trust the most, told me" I don't see any difference since I was there last year".... and questioned me about a lamp that I didn't remember, duh? and believed mom on everything... I think her husband, is feeding her, her lines and she is like a sponge (mind) totally agreeing with him on the problem at hand.... they are having a lot of financial problems, and he is fed up with us.... born rich, losing his rich and could care less about what's going on. I probably shouldn't say that, but I can tell the difference when he is around and when he isn't, when we are talking on the phone. She is much harshier with me and not so supportive, but when he is around and can hear us, she is very short, questioning and downright accusing me of having mental problems... thank you vstefans.... yes, I know things could be different, but with 4 of us, pushing mom and me one way or another, I am stuck....mom is somewhat coming around with me about a will, etc.... but, then a sibling calls, and there is excuse after excuse for her not to do it. Mom has recently gave me 40 dollars to shop with for the month...hahahahha...... and I do the cooking lol.. writing this is so pathetic, I have to laugh or go freaking crazy....and you hit the nail on the head with" heads in the sand" ......basically, to answer your question on my income..... I settle and go to good will...