When my mother died at 98, she was still in her right mind. She had lived by herself and even drove until 95. I am retired and lived 500 miles away. Since my sister was still working, I took my mother to live with me the last 3 years of her life. I helped her dress and bathe; I emptied the bedside potty chair; I took her to her appointments, etc, etc, etc. You as caregivers understand the lifestyle changes. I willingly gave up my life in order to help her through her final years. But right now, I am unable to grieve because of anger---no that word is insufficient to describe my feelings…. rage is more accurate.
At her death I discovered that two years before she came to live with me, she changed her will. She left my sister the house, a trailer, the property, and half of her money. My sister told me after the funeral that she was aware of the will change and that she and my mother chose not to tell me. At times my mother and I had conversations where she told me that she didn’t need to worry about me because I was capable, dependable, and responsible.
The fact that the larger share of the estate went to my sister doesn’t overly concern me because since I am capable, dependable, and responsible, I am financially secure. My difficulty is that my mother did not tell me; even though she was living in my home and I was her only caregiver, she let me continue to believe that her estate was divided equally. I feel betrayed by the woman to whom I devoted the past three years. This I see as a lie of omission; I am hurt that my mother would deal with me as such----don’t I deserve to know why I was treated that way----with no explanation and now, at her death, no chance to understand why she chose not to tell me?
It also hurts that my sister had cleaned out my mother’s lock box and after the funeral surprised me the secret will. I talked to my mother’s lawyer and was told, “Yes, this was her last will,” and that he had written it for her.
Am I over reacting? How can I let go of the perceived unfairness---not in the property division but in the secretiveness ---the ‘ganging up’ of my mother and sister to deceive me? My mother believed in family, and at her death she killed her remaining family. I refuse to argue with or express my rage to my sister because nothing I say will change what has happened. My plan is to silently withdraw…I guess the proper term for it is passive aggressiveness. If my sister calls, I will talk decently to her, but because of what I call treachery, I will make no effort to continue or support a relationship with her. Thus, over the years, our lives will become separate.
I don't like the asset vultures any more than you do, but that isn't the answer.
My sister passed away in January, I was grieving hard as this was my only sibling and the last of my family members. We were very close as children and remained that way. Even though I had time to get used to the fact that she was going to go never made it any easier. To make a long story short I never came back home right away because there were things that needed to be settled, as well the highways were horrid to travel. I came back home only to have the father of my children, my husband our home, My husband passed away suddenly at 56 and my son who found him chose not to let me know of his passing. My cousin had emailed me to share her condolences that is how I found out. I came back right away to find my house cleaned out of everything. The only remaining stuff was my clothing and a few personal effects. My jewelry was gone along with other stuff, and my husband was already cremated. I was so hurt and still grieving my sister, now grieving my husband and had nothing left.
Well it has been two years and I have not spoke to my son as I had made it very clear to him that I no longer wanted anything to do with him. this decision was not easy but my anger was out of control. I can't bring myself to forgive him and still feel anger to this day. My family was torn to shreds as I only see my oldest son who was also cheated of his dad's passing. It is greed all of it, when a family member turns on you, they have no respect in any aspect of your feelings or how badly the knife cuts. I want to lose this anger but that would mean dropping my shield and leave myself vulnerable to my youngest son again and I can't do that, my husband wouldn't want me to. So I do feel your pain and anger, people like that you can never change it is in their make up. Just move on with your life and know in your heart that you have done the right thing and will continue to. Bless you and hugs good luck.
You say that your mother left you "half" of the money - so as I see it, her liquid assets WERE divided equally. Your mother may have felt that since you were already retired, that you were not really "in need of" real estate. Frankly, this makes perfect sense to me.
What I am reading between the lines is because you chose to take care of her during her final years, you somehow feel "entitled" to a greater share of her assets (liquid or otherwise). Would you have provided less care for her if you knew that you were not going to receive a DIME from her estate? Think about it.
You also suffer from the misguided notion that a parent is obligated to apportion all assets equally among the remaining children. This is a very "western" notion and a recent one, historically speaking.
It is actually quite common for parents to leave more assets to the child who is more "needy" - this could mean less responsible, has more health problems, is less capable, has children to take care of - a whole host of reasons. In fact, many attorneys advise exactly this, because dividing assets equally can actually be MORE unfair - it does not consider the individual needs of each adult child.
Your mother may have recognized that you are the far more capable child - so she was quite sure you would manage very well on your own. As you said "she was still in her right mind" when she died. It may have been entirely her decision - don't assume that it was necessarily your sister "manipulating her."
She likely did not want to tell you about the division of assets, knowing that you would feel "hurt" because everything was not split equally down the middle. There may be things about your sister's financial or personal situation that even you do not know. So, perhaps, your mother had good reason willing your sister the real estate properties.
You are getting half the money.....that's more than a LOT of adult children get. Time to let go of your anger. It will do nothing but "eat you up" in the end. Be grateful for the time you had with your mother in her final years. There are some "battles" worth fighting for, but this is not one of them.
It would be a bad idea if the laws of inheritance were changed so that the caregiver got 100%. I can just hear the adult children arguing about what constitutes "caregiving!"
It ISN'T the division of her mother's property that troubles her, that's the whole point. It is that her mother and her sister excluded her from the decision; and, further, the possibility that they did so because they shared your assumption that she might have opposed her mother's plans. This cast an undeserved shadow on Margieanne's character, and she was not even given an opportunity to defend herself. That is why she feels so badly hurt.
Speaking for myself, and following my own line of thinking to its end, I conclude that her feeling hurt by this indicates admirable moral priorities and in turn demonstrates how wrong her mother and sister were about her. My hope is that she will be able to forgive them.
Forgive does not mean forget...so not trusting your sister is perfectly sensible ("a man is known by his actions"), and if dealing with her is painful to you, or causes you to be not who you are and have been, then stay away from her until you feel healed from the hurt. Some relationships can become toxic, and you need to save yourself from that for the time being. Forgive her; then tell her to make her own peace with it while you try to do the same. And know that your mother was proud of you that you were doing OK in the world when she made that will, and that she was proud of you when you took care of her. I don't think her intention was to hurt you. Whether she was manipulated or not, you'll never really know.
If the answer is yes to these questions, let your anger go and remember the good that you had. If your answer is no to the question, still let your anger go, why waste your time being angry at someone who didn't care.
I think your comment was harsh like we are all giving up our lives and doing a difficult job trying to do the right thing by our loved one for "something in return??". BS and insulting if my mum were to die tomorrow i would inherit $30,000 my average salary a year in my career WAS $60,000 a year i havnt worked in 5yrs and caring for my mum i get nothing so please work out the maths?
Also i think if you read the post she is more upset about betrayal than the actual will which is understandably upsetting! My mum has discussed her will with all of us nothing sneaky behind our backs she loves us all equally and would never decide whos the most "needy" thats not fair especially when she was the one doing all the caring. I would be outta here tonight if i thought my mum and sister were discussing her will behind my back its not about money or wills its about the hurt of not being told until after she died thats very hurtful.
Unfortunately I know what you are going through. I have a similar situation. Taking care of both my parents (both have had a stroke) because if they go to a nursing facility they would have to be separated (Dad would go to a VA facility). Have a sister who has cheated them, talked badly about them, ignored them but had them raise her children. I have always been the one to step up to help them. Now they treat her like she is the best thing since sliced bread and treat me like I am hired help. However I know I could leave here, but I don't. so I let it all go. I have never had a relationship with my sister so that issue is resolved for me already. As for you, let the anger go. You have been victimized enough - no need to add to that. You did right by your mother. If you had know about the will, would you have done anything differently?
You are not alone - don't know if that helps!
One thing to consider, and perhaps you already have, is that your mother felt your sister was incapable of dealing with life, whereas she felt you were together and she could leave you without worrying. It really is a compliment to you, although right now it feels like treachery. Another thought is that their is a feeling of betrayal when a daughter moves far away. Maybe she felt your sister deserved more since she spent more time with her. I think that feeling exists with my sister.
Is it possible to ask your sister to share more equally, citing that you cared for her during her last years and would hope for a more fair division. Or is that a laughable thought?
How I wish things worked out fairly in life....it has been eye-opening to me. I assumed everyone would be "nice" and "fair" but once the loved one is in the grave---or incompetent--true natures seem to come out. I am so sorry!
But I'm happy for you that you're able to let it go. Well done.
Forgive your mother and your sister. Let it go. You don't have to agree it was right, or even see your sister. Do this for you, because you are a loving generous spirit. If you step back, and don't equate love with money, your Mom paid you the greatest compliment. If you read between the lines, she trusted your abilities, your character, and your competence. She knew you had made it.You were a success in life.
If you can't forgive, and this is eating you up inside, find a good therapist to help you. I've been there, betrayed, it will destroy you or make you stronger, more loving. The choice is yours.
My brother, who lives in another state, was gracious and generous enough to tell my mom to change the will and take him out of it and give everything to me, since I have been doing all of the work by myself for 15 years. I changed my career and have been there at 2 AM taking mom or dad to the Emergency Room and have been there at doctor's visits and cleaning up vomit, buying food, getting books, doing taxes, paying bills, etc. My brother hasn't done one bit of that.
So until you've done more of the caregiving job than coming back home because you needed help from your mom, I wouldn't be so quick to throw your sister under the bus. From what you've written, she doesn't deserve it.
I don't know how I've got this impression, but from what you say you moved back home because your job went belly-up rather than because your mother needed your care; and you discovered 'the shady way her daughter was manipulating' your mother into making a legal will in her right mind and of her own volition. What you uncovered, in fact, was a threat to your financial expectations. No wonder you were worried.
I hope your mother will be fine. I trust so.
As for the elderly getting attention, here's a newsflash...they want attention 24/7 around the clock. Most people do the best they can and nobody around HERE is wearing a halo. We ALL get irritable and snappy with our elders sometimes because when we care for them all day, every day without a break it tends to DRAIN us. And you're damn right your sister was BUSY. Any caretaker is BUSY and no, sometimes we can't stop in the middle of scrubbing the pee off the floor, doing the laundry yet again, fixing a meal, writing out bills, and the countless other tasks involved in taking care of an elder. Gee, sorry about that. I guess we should all jump through hoops for the elderly at their every whim.
Man, I seriously hope you DON'T find anyone to help your mom and you find that her care is suddenly ALL on YOU and you CAN'T leave! And you cook and clean? That's it? Pffft. Lucky you. Wait till the REAL work starts. You've just scratched the surface of what it means to be a care giver, you poor clueless sap. I'll be interested to see how long your halo glows the longer you're in this. I don't blame your sister. With a brother that sounds like you, I'd have run for the hills myself. You irritate me and I'm just on the computer. I can't even imagine what dealing with you in RL would be like.