Billygoat Asked November 2019
Depression around holidays?
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This December 25 will be the one year anniversary of my beloved mom's passing. I am already depressed, but, absolutely dread the upcoming holidays. I literally just want to crawl in a hole and not come out. Am I the only one who feels this way? I know it's not fair to my remaining family, but I can't help the way I feel. I feel like a failure.
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Yes, exactly. My mom got married on my grandma’s birthday. Once I asked her if she did that on purpose. She said yes.
Sometimes there is a coupling of dates.
Be true to yourself. Do what feels right for you. Don’t think about impressing others right now. Take time to heal.
You are a kind caring person and you’re going to figure this out. When we are in pain, things get all jumbled. I have faith that you will sort it out. Just don’t force yourself to do anything that you aren’t ready for.
You’re not running a race to get to a finish line with a gold medal. I get choked up seeing people finish a race knowing that they aren’t going to win. They aren’t in it to win.
It’s a stepping stone to perhaps winning one day. You know, the people I am speaking about. The older person. the physically disabled person, who is thrilled just to compete and cross the finish line! Everyone loves the winner but pulling for the underdog is special too.
We have all been winners and all been underdogs. You don’t need to be anything for anyone else this year. Be there for you. Show up for you. Others can wait. You are the priority this year.
I asked her what grandma would want us to do. She’d want us to celebrate the holidays, enjoy the company, eat the food we only have at holidays. That if grandma knew how miserable mom was, she’d be upset that she was the source of the misery, for whatever reason— even though it wasn’t her fault she and had no control. It’s hard when you’ve hurt someone you love, no matter how or why it happened.
She was still sad of course, but doing what would have made grandma happy made it a little more bearable.
How did you celebrate when your Mom was alive? How did SHE celebrate the holidays?
Do you remember, or can you now look back and recall, a time when celebrating was a challenge for her, but she pulled it off for the family?
Maybe you could keep her close by imitating what she used to do. Imagine her looking down on you now and her being able to see that she taught you how to carry on, in more ways than one : her traditions and yourself.
Is there one object or Christmas song or food that could symbolize her presence? A photo?
Make it a celebration of your Mom's and your connection.
Best to you,
Acacia
Many years ago I worked in a small company in which the owner and his family went to Tahiti during Christmas, and I was told this was mainly to escape it. I've thought it might be a good time to go to Dubai to see the Burj Khalifa. I've read that although the Australians generally celebrate Christmas, it isn't the overblown obsession it has become in the US.
We go skiing or some other fun thing that we enjoy. We haven't done the holidays for over 20 years because of family drama. It is such a lovely time of year to be wasted spending money you don't have on gifts the person doesn't like, eating more food than needed to feed a village and listening to family squabbles that apparently could not be addressed until Thanksgiving or Christmas. These are few of my (not) favorite things.
Another thing I enjoy doing is walking through the store with all the angry shoppers singing "Tis' the season to be jolly!" I also like to say, you know if they wouldn't keep changing the date every year people would not be so stressed out trying to get everything done.
I can't figure out why anyone wants to enjoy all of that.
The 1st everything is the hardest. Be kind and understanding to yourself. You lost someone that meant the world to you, it is okay to be sad and not want to participate in festivities.
Maybe something that gives you the space to experience the 1st without her and without the worry of ruining the holidays for others. Something low key that allows you to remember all the good times and all the love that you shared.
There is a season for all things. Please love yourself to get through the season and live the life that you know that your mom would want, continue to pass on the legacy of love to others. That is the gift she left you, she is proud that you will be regifting her gift.
Hugs!
You're not a failure. At all. You've had a major life event involving a beloved person and on a major holiday. Anniversaries of such an event are powerful, and in a huge, stress-filled season to boot.
I'm sorry for your loss and for your deep grieving. Grief is a personal thing and there's NO time limit or path to healing.
It's alright to let people know you need no stress and need (not want) some down time. I hope you consider finding a grief group to talk with. You won't be alone and you'll be surrounded by people who know just what you're going through. Much like this forum, knowing you're not alone in feeling a certain way is priceless.
Only if you're up for it, perhaps consider what your mom did during the holidays, for example volunteering at that particular facility or ONE thing that she enjoyed doing, such as trimming a tree in a certain way or something almost silly, like make a fruitcake. This might help you focus on something positive and allow you to feel your mom's presence (yes, she's there with you) and follow in her footsteps. Just one thing only.
Treat yourself easy and treat yourself well, Billygoat.
The year my father died was the worst year of my life, and in a terrifyingly sad way, also the best.
I had suffered several pregnancy losses and the loss of the adoption of a little girl with blond curly hair when my first viable pregnancy resulted in the birth of my first child, a son. Without warning, my dad dropped dead in his garden less than three weeks later.
Although his loss was in the Spring, I never recovered from it.
As my children grew up, I found my grief softening and becoming more nostalgic because they were here. The process was slow. Now with three amazing grandchildren, I understand my grief, and understand that although those who have gone before us can no longer be touched by us, they are still very near.
This awareness sustains me.
Facing your depression is actually the healthiest thing you can do. Denial will not help you or anyone else.
Just do the best you can. Just FYI, a few cashews will help depression - but if you need a prescription, get it. I personally don't want to take antidepressants.
Huggers,
linda
I'm hoping my mother makes it to 2020 and then her 95th birthday on Groundhog Day; at this point I have no reason to doubt she will as she seems stable.
December 25th and holidays are gluttony and centers of greed so more sinful indulgences, and multitudes are going straight to eternal punishment.
Does that make you feel any better? People die on Christmas because it's just another day.
I’m sorry about your mom. you can not worry about how your emotions and grief affect others because your feelings are valid and have value. I bet if you were to ask the others and shared with them how you’re feeling they would respond with kindness.
Grief is a circuitous route not a linear route. Ups and downs, twists and turns. We often get sad at holidays because we reminisce and become wistful for what was and what we no longer can experience.
Respect your feelings as normal. As time goes by they will become less painful. I remember the first Christmas after mom died 29 years ago, how decorating the tree with dad only 4 months after her death, brought tears to my eyes. In fact it does even now. So we never lose that sadness completely, it is just less often. Your sadness is still very raw. Be kind and gentle to yourself.
What if you volunteered at a shelter to walk the dogs or pet the cats? Or as someone else said, adopt a rescue who wants a forever home. When we give of ourselves, we heal something inside.
From my personal perspective, it seems like the 'holiday spirit' (maybe for every holiday, but moreso for the 'big' ones) attracts the most childlike part of our brains -- the part that wants everything to stay exactly the same forever. That part of the brain actively resists even small changes, especially the ones we don't choose for ourselves.
When it's a big change, someone who 'should' be there but won't be ever again, it's so much harder.
This part of grieving is natural, and nearly universal. It's a shame that, as a culture, we don't talk about it enough. We let our employers and friends think that a few days off around the funeral is enough to get 'past' the grief, when it just plain isn't.
And 'first holiday without them' is always the toughest. Even more when the holiday is also the anniversary of this loss.
You are not a failure; the first year anniversary is always tough, even if it's not on a date that has historically been a family celebration.
You might check with your local hospice and see if you can meet with one of their 'bereavement' folks. I would bet that a little conversation with them would help a lot toward easing your mind (though not lifting your sadness).
Again, thank you for the warm, kind response. You have a happy holiday and wonderful new year. :)
I dread Christmas and it just gets harder every year.
I'm sorry you feel like a failure Billygoat.I'm sure your'e not.
The upcoming holidays for me, .. bring about some sadness, but not because of the loss of a LO, fortunately.
I can't quite put my finger on the why of it all. The only thing I can reflect on is that the holidays for me, as a child .. we would all descend upon my maternal g'ma's .. mom and all her 5 siblings and the offspring of each . and it was all so much fun. I guess, as a kid I thought holidays would always mean fun and family.
I grew up, had a family of my own .. my own kids. Holidays were spent with our traditions, but also w/going to MIL's home (my own mom moved around too much and married, and re-married, it was hard to keep up with who was the man dujour of the season with her). DH and his siblings and offspring descending upon MIL's home, which is soon to be disposed of . her now in a NH.
One of those siblings .. estranged now, has been for eons . and his offspring sort of the same. The other sibling . one of her kids lives abroad so rarely comes to the states .. and the other is busy with her own life . .never had kids. So .. being around DH's siblings . not really a "thing" anymore, and certainly not those kids.
Our own kids .. are grown now. The oldest, . she's a true loner, thru and thru . and holidays as in most any other time, she sort of appears when it works for her .. and maybe not . and it works best that way for all involved, really. Middle daughter ... she is married, has a family of her own . and her husband's family also lives local so holidays .. (while one might assume .. well go one way one holiday and the other another holiday . doesn't really work that way with them .. her husband is an only child and so his absence, on any given holiday is a stark hole in their world, so they always seemingly go the way of his folks for holidays), and the youngest daughter, is kind enough . in the field she works in . being she's childless .. she chooses .. almost exclusively to work any holiday .. allowing those that have kids to spend time with their kids .. she doesn't have any kids . .and feels for those that do.
Mostly that leaves just me and DH .. as to holidays . not at all the festive times I so fondly recall as a child . or even as a young adult with kids of my own. It's really rather lonely.
DH and myself, not one to exchange trinkets and mindless gifts just for the sake of handing someone a gift, they'll now have to figure out what to do with... and so .. mostly .. it's just another day . one filled with .. not the expectations I'd like to realize ..
I look back fondly at years in the past, of how festive it all used to be, the parties, the baking of endless goodies to give out . and participation with my daughters in that endeavor .. and the endless rushing about of the whole season .. and much to do ..
Not so much that way anymore.
I agree with your observations and feelings. I’m 67 now and the holidays are so different. I don’t have children and sometimes We spend the holiday with my sister who I’m very close to but lives 4 hours away? My husband was adopted and his brother and parents deceased. So there's just us. I loved Christmas growing up and even as a young adult.
We still make a tradition of decorating our tree together with ornaments that are mementos. I love looking at a lit tree in a darkened room.
I lost my mom when I was just 38 and now dad is in a NH and doesn’t care about Christmas.
yes, things change.....