My father went into a care home at the beginning of the pandemic and we all know how difficult that was for our loved ones. Having been an active member of the community and a volunteer for many clubs and associations for the previous 17 years, he was completely cut off by nearly all of his ‘friends’. Once restrictions began to ease, I emailed them to provide details of Dad's condition, how they could visit, etc., but in over 2 years he has had only 1 friend visit him or offer to take him out (except for myself and my brother). For most people, it would be a 30 minute trip there and back. I have tried to ascertain the reasons. Someone told me “out of sight, out of mind,” another one, “I don’t go that way often,” and one friend was brutally honest saying, “many people our age don’t want to be reminded of where we might end up!” i.e Care Home. He is now on end of life pathway, which, of course, is very emotional for me.
So my question is this - should I give them all the opportunity to pitch up at his funeral and have a jolly get together afterwards when they couldn’t be bothered to offer friendship in his hour of need? Or, should I arrange a private funeral and only invite those who have been supportive? I feel quite angry about this, but I don’t know if I’m just too emotionally involved? Honest answers please! I can take it!
I wrote on 3 occasions to friends asking them to visit as he was lonely. I suppose what I’m saying is that it’s all one sided and only happens if I am involved because of mobility issues. Now, we can’t even do that, he is bedbound, and it is too late as there is no quality of life now.
The friends his age may not get out much. Got used to avoiding crowds. Hard to see their own demise. Many don't even go to the funerals. Call his dear friends and let them know when it is, then splinter the group if you still have negative feelings - service and private lunch burial for the family.
You are emotional because he's your dad. I would want his friends to be there for him and emotionally invested like me, but may not be that way for the friends. Let it go. Give him your best and that's all you can really do.
It seems like excluding friends or family who disappointed you just perpetuates your anger. You won't do well if you invite people under duress, but if you can open your heart to anyone who loves your brother, maybe you can invite them without resentment.
My grandmother is a big fan of complaining that her friends never call her. "I'm a widow and they never call me". What she forgets is that all of her friends are also widows and she never calls them either. I recognize this isn't your situation, but I guess my point is that often friendships can just naturally start to dwindle as we age unless tons of effort is put into them because of everyone's own personal situation.
My best advice is to do your best to let the anger go. These same people may not be able to get to a funeral either. They may not physically be able to come, or may be worried about COVID exposure. Or may not be able to face it. Or a myriad of reasons. This isn't a measure of your father. Or you. Or even of them. It's just life. If you want to have a funeral, have a funeral. If they show up, recognize that they showed up and respect that. They are there to show respect to and honor your father just as you are.
You ask if you are too emotionally involved - of course you are - and that's perfectly natural - this is your father you are talking about and you are hurt that they haven't visited. BUT, I suggest that you take a deep breath and recognize that they may have their own reasons that you may never know and try to let it go. But I wouldn't try to block them from a funeral just to prove something. If you WANT a private funeral, that is what you should do. If you WANT a regular funeral that is what you should do. Don't let your anger drive this. End of Life planning and grief do funny things to people and you don't want to look back and regret that you did certain things out of anger because you didn't feel that his friends did the right thing in the midst of a global pandemic when they may have had things going on that you didn't know anything about (or maybe they don't - but that isn't what matters - even if they don't - they have their reasons).
It is important if for no other reason that you let go of the anger you are feeling and deal with your grief in regards to your father. His friends have to deal with their own grief and any missteps they may or may not have taken along the way. But don't let this eat you up, there isn't any reason to focus on it.
You said “…in over 2 years he has had only 1 friend visit him or offer to take him out…”
You are expecting great kindness and personalized attention from all your dad’s previous friends and acquaintances, forgetting that they too are facing getting old and frail and in ill health, or no longer drive, or don’t have money to squander on fuel and bringing a gift when visiting (yes, older people still adhere to fine manners such as bringing a gift when visiting, and the older friends might be in straightened circumstances and feel unable to visit)
Don’t forget to extend all of your own efforts to be a good friend to the one acquaintance who tried to stay friendly with your dad. You expect big things from the elderly others, so you should be a generous person and extend all that (and more) to the one old friend who actually DID show up. Are you being a solicitous friend to that person? If not, why not?
You quoted “do unto others”. I think a number of us reading here are keen to hear what you’ve been doing for all the other frail elderly people who you are expecting to step up for your father.
I also read with exasperation that you give your brother “a pass” on not visiting your dad very often. You said he “doesn’t do his share. But he has Asperger’s and changing his plans and reading other peoples emotions doesn’t feature in his life.” That is laughable. Why is your brother’s status given slack and a pass by you AND HE IS A BLOOD RELATIVE, and you don’t give a pass to elderly people who aren’t related?
I'm sorry this is harsh, but I hope it will help you take a step back on lashing out at basically your father’s entire previous world.
It's all one sided? Really? Let's see.
"I took him to the pub for a lunch gathering once."
Your dad attended, so did his friends. Everyone put in the effort. How was it ONE sided? Say, if you and some friends of yours met up for lunch somewhere. After that, you think each of one of them now owes you a visit because you showed up? Didn't they show up, too? How about you owe each of them a visit because they showed up?
"I took him to the funeral of a close friend just 3 months ago."
Well, I hate to agree, but yes, this is one sided as the dead friend can't get up and go visit your dad even if he wanted to. But for you to expect a reciprocal gesture is too funny.
"I wrote on 3 occasions to friends asking them to visit as he was lonely."
How is this even a 'side'? You wrote, and you requested.. Neither you or your dad visited them or did anything FOR them. You just wrote and requested something FROM them.
You said you have softened your thoughts towards his friends. Hmmm..., I think your thoughts are still VERY UNREASONABLE.
Not to be all harsh and no compassion, It is very evident that you love your dad a great deal and all you can think about is him and how to lessen his suffering. You are a good daughter.
I try to remind mom that everyone has so much going on these days. They are not sitting in a room watching tv as she is and ostensibly have hours and hours to think while alone, but have grandchildren coming and going, going on vacations and just have the normal stresses and concerns of every day life, COVID, etc. I tell her that I'm sure they care about her but that life has a way of getting away from you and the best intentions are soon honestly forgotten or put off. I tell myself that as well and my therapist has often said not to have expectations of others (although I admit I do with my siblings who never help and go out of their way, seemingly, to cause trouble which is a whole different story. I was told they WOULD help at least one day a week two years ago when I took this on and none of that has happened but they do constantly have time to complain). But I digress . . .
Anyway, I think that that is just the way of life. I would ask your father's friends to any services when it comes to that, as you don't really know what's in their hearts. My own mother cannot deal sometimes with talking to my elderly aunt on the phone when she is "out of it" as it makes her very sad and afraid for my aunt and herself. And she means no harm by it but tries her best. She gets carsick in a car for more than a 10 minute ride, and is embarrassed by having accidents. All of these can also play into your dad's friends situations, as an example.
I know you wish better for him and that in this time he is surrounded by those that he loved and that they would confirm he is cared about. You believe it would help you both feel better and want your father to have known he was loved and cherished. I'm sure he does because he has you there worrying for him. But all you can really do is the best you can yourself do. I am learning that more and more and trying to let go the frustration I feel with my own family. You can only live your life and do the things you think are right and your conscience tells you to do. And the others have to do what theirs tell them. And somehow make peace with that. I would let them come to the services and find their own peace with the situation as well. Best wishes . . .
hugs and prayers