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Rainmom - "I sooo wanted my mom to let me still have a shred of my own independence- my own life, my own free will. "

No one can give this to you - you take it for yourself and I am glad you did. Playing the game with her (taking the book) to lower the stress of the moment is fine, as long as you know that is what you are doing, then do what you want to do when you leave her.

I don't feel like the hulk. There have been times when I did, for example when I was visiting my mother. I learned to leave when that happened. The stress was not worth it.
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Rosemary - yes. I took the book. I didn’t want to. Taking that book represented everything I had come to hate about my life as it had become - in having to be the one dealing with my aged mother, her health issues, her dementia and her care.

I wish I had been strong enough to leave that GD book on her table. If I had known then what I know now - I probably would have.

But as it was my demented, 80-something mother was having a full-on meltdown. Seems the book had become a symbol for her too - one that represented her control over her situation and her control over me.

At first, I thought saying “no, mom. I don’t want the book - I won’t read it so there’s no reason for me to take it. Give it to someone else or put it in the facility library” - that seemed reasonable, right? Because for that moment - in the beginning- it was still just a book.

When the book became a symbol - that’s when the trouble began. I sooo wanted my mom to let me still have a shred of my own independence- my own life, my own free will.

But mid meltdown I realize it was futile- pointless- trying to get her to see my point. My mother - always a self-absorbed person, had become completely unable to see anything beyond herself - what she needed, what she wanted. And right then she needed obedient compliance to reassure herself that she was still in control.

Was it worth it? Continuing this spiraling out of control meltdown to prove a pointless point?

So yes, I took the book. But at least I didn’t take it home. It didn’t even make it into my car.

A small victory even if my mom never knew it - the fate of the book. But you take what you can get - when you need it the most. Right?
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McAlvie, what I don't understand is why our elders don't imagine good things happening to them. It is always something bad that needs our attention right away. My mother went through the hypochondriac phase for 3 or 4 years, so I know what you're going through. I started wondering if she had Munchausen (not the proxy type, just the normal type) and was doing it for attention. I think in my mother's case she was just worrying herself into things that weren't there, or focusing on something small and turning it into something life threatening.

Your mother sounds so much like mine. They can take a scrap of information, then build on it until it becomes completely untrue. They can add on things people were supposed to have said that verify it. My mother does this all in her own mind, but it becomes fact. It sounds like what your mother did with her eye.

My mother also imagined she had a stroke in 2014, though to her it was last week. She may have had a TIA that wore off immediately -- hard to know. She fell in a neighbor's yard and I was there quickly. She said we should have gone to the doctor. We had just gotten back from the doctor and went again the next day (for UTI follow-up). She now blames that fall for the bent back she's had for 15 years, even though the fall was 3 years ago. I don't bother to correct her since to her it is fact.

That is spooky about the stroke and lip being pulled down. That seems intentional. I'm glad she didn't have one. I'm surprised some of the caregivers haven't had one, with what we can go through. Today my mother went out in her pajamas to check the "poison ivy" growing on the side of the house. I had gone out earlier and pulled up Virginia creeper. I needed to do that, anyway, since it can destroy concrete and wood if it grows on the house. I showed her the creeper vines and she was happy that her "poison ivy" had been tended to. Problem solved and needed work done at the same time. (Then she asked me to open the gate to let some fresh air into the back yard. Oh, goodness. If it isn't one thing to be unhappy about, it's another. I guess there was more fresh air in the front yard than the back. :)
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JessieBelle, I do sympathize. My mom has real issues, but for some reason insists on manufacturing new ones. Like the time she wanted me to think she was having a stroke. Okay, this is always a possibility so I do take it seriously. But I also know her so I distracted her with unrelated questions for a minute and she forgot to keep her lip pulled down. Or when I took her to the eye doctor when she complained about shoo ont pains in her eye. Yes, she has dry eyes and floaters and need drops. But her eyes are pretty healthy. However by the time we were home, she had decided that the doctor was warning her that her eye was falling out and she would need surgery. Two years later we go back and her eyes are still healthy and still not falling out. Different doctor so she decides this one is a quack. She has COPD, needs inhalers and has a nebulizer. Getting her to use them is an all out war. Unless it’s late at night and she thinks it will keep me awake, then she would run it until she realized that I couldn’t hear it so she stopped doing even that.

Recently she called for a dr appointment and had them convinced that she couldn’t get there because of me. But that boomeranged on her when they offered to send an ambulance. Suddenly she’s not that bad after all. However, if I tell her, come on we have to get you in to see the dr, she complains that they are all quacks and nobody understands.

The worst part is, if something really bad was happening, how would I know?

But God forbid I am cranky and tired and not PLEASANT when we go through this. Then it’s “Oh I’ll never learn, I should have known it would be like this.”

Is it any wonder we are stressed and have hairtrigger tempers?
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Oy, my mother came back in to "talk to me" about the poison ivy. I was putting a screen up at the moment and she really got angry that I didn't get off the ladder and hop to her commands of chopping ivy. She asked why I never wanted to do anything for her. I gave her a very honest answer -- that I'd already given my entire life, how much more did she want. I can understand the Hulk more and more. Brain damage can take away all reasoning, caring, and empathy. All that is left is worrying about self.
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Carla, so true. Most doctors only care about their patient’s outcome. My ex’s bil was a doctor and he always said, “you care about the patient but mostly you want to diagnose, treat, and let them be someone else’s problem when they code.” What a bedside manner!

Jessie, High ho! It works. I attacked some weeds two weeks ago and nothing has grown back - ha!
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Excellent point, Jessie. I wouldn't know personally but it does make you wonder!
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Carla, I wonder if the doctors talk to men about the obligations.
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I just thought -- what a great idea for exercising the Hulk. I'll go out there with a hoe and whack up all that imaginary poison ivy.
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only001 - I wanted to respond to what you said about medical professionals putting the guilt and responsibility on you. It is so unfair but so many of them do it. That's not their job, but they abuse their role as health professionals to impose their views on the poor beleaguered caregivers. It's like they have nothing to offer in the situation except platitudes about sacrifice and obligation. They know the elderly have very few options, especially those without funds for assisted living or paid help. Usually they just want the best for their patients, but I've had my own health care providers also cluck at me about my obligation to my mother. Even psychiatrists, some of whom think you can magically keep your head above water while continuing to carry the soul-sucking burden that parent care can sometimes become.

No, you should not be asked to sacrifice your health, physical or mental. Or financial. If you sacrifice yourself while your parent is alive, there may not be enough of you left to salvage when your parent is deceased.
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Sue, my mother has said so often that I owe her. She believes that if it weren't for her, I wouldn't be here. That is true, but weird. People have sex and kids -- that's the way life is for most people. She also feels my brother's children owe her for that same reason. She exempts my two brothers from this debt. I don't know why. I don't feel I owe her in any way. Psychologists often talk about FOG. I can't really relate to that. There's no fear, no obligation, no guilt. There's only this thing about having a family member who needs someone to stay with them, either me or a paid caregiver.

Oy, she just walked into the bedroom and asked me to go on the side of the house and chop up all the poison ivy. There's none out there, so that will be easy. She hasn't been on the side of the house for about three years, but in her mind she was there last week or even yesterday. Even 3 years ago there was no poison ivy out there.

I'll act like I chopped it up. Maybe I should take a couple of chairs and a blanket out there... and the rabbit and some snacks. :3
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Jessie, tents! That it is the best idea! I used to make a maze with overturned lawn chairs and cover them with a blankets, and hideout for hours. Hmm, even at a young age, I just wanted to escape my parents.

Sue, it’s true. He firmly believes I am there to serve him. Yesterday, he wanted to go somewhere and I told him I had a doctor’s appt, and he said, “You’re responsibility is to me. You can take care of yourself when I die.” It is the load of crap I’ve been fed my entire life. His life’s arc has been focused in doing what he wanted and letting others clean up his mess. I’m about to become a monkey and start flinging poo.

The most frustrating thing is realizing the lies you’ve been told, reclaiming your life, making decisions best for yourself, then having a doctor say, “well he really needs this; sometimes we have to sacrifice for our loved ones.” And you have to smile and act as if you agree when you want to scream, “I’ve already sacrificed 13 years of my life, 13 years of my best potential earnings, my future social security and retirement, not to mention my health, and now I should do more? Because of his bad decisions?”

But I realize, he’s a narcissist - all the authority, no accountability, and at 94, it’s not going to change.

Sdbike, I, too, have wishes for his death. How sad when one’s hope for life is death. But it gets me by. And as my therapist says, “You have to have hope.”

So, he has food, shelter, healthcare. I am biding my time, and I have great hope. And tents!
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meima, I think that is the best advice. Exercise is wonderful therapy. I always feel better after a brisk walk or a visit to the exercise room at the senior center. I am looking at starting at the gym now so I won't have to deal with the FTD woman.
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To address some of the things above. I can't get her into a facility because she doesn't want to go and is able to live outside a facility with help. We just can't put people in facilities against their will. It's not legal. I can only decide if I stay or if I go. If I went, she would have to find someone to take my place.

I've been through a lot of counseling in my life, so I know that wouldn't help a lot. Talking to sympathetic people helps and getting away to refresh myself helps. Sometimes I think it's funny that our parents are driving us to psychiatrists and drugs. :)

Sue, I could feel what you wrote. If we could tend to something simply it would be easier, but there is the obsessive thinking. I can so relate to the itching powder, since my mother has had "poison ivy" since 2012. She puts calamine lotion on her hands when she thinks about it. She shows her hands to people and talks about how she got it when she was working on the side of the house. She used to want to go to the dermatologist all the time. Now I just look around until I find the tube of medicine that was prescribed for her back in 2012 and she is happy. I do make sure she has calamine lotion about. She often uses it to soothe her poison ivy.

It is hard to deal with broken minds. There appears to be many ways the brain can be damaged. My mother has some traits of Alzheimer's, but it is mostly something else. Her reasoning is off and she has obsessive thinking. She has no sense of time at all, so what happened 5 years ago happened yesterday in her mind. Her life is a jumble when it comes to time. I've wondered what parts of her brain are damaged that causes the problems. I wonder if health care in the future should try to zero in on where the exact problem is, instead of just lumping everyone together under the label "dementia." Actually, they have already separated out the frontotemporal damage diseases, though we still call the behavior variant one FTD.

I hope one day we'll have solutions. With the governments being what they are now, though, I think it will be a long way down the road. I don't even know how SS, Medicare, and Medicaid are going to fare.
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Find something that you love doing. Take time to enjoy that activity. You will not take that activity for granted and you will appreciate everything else more. Me, I cycle as much as I can. I say, why go for psychotherapy when you can do cycle therapy. You need to do physical activity to keep the Hulk in line. He needs exercise. Try it. I've been a caregiver for 9 years to my mom. I went through what you are going through. Stay strong, stay active.
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Correction above: 5 facilities not 95
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I am so sorry you are going through what you are going through. I just lost my mom after 8 years with dementia. Even though she was in a facility the whole time 95 of them actually), I reached my breaking point several times. As her POA, sole caregiver in the family, trustee to her trust and executor to her estate, it was me, myself and I who had to manage everything around her (except actually taking care of her). I cannot imagine (well, yes I can) what you must be going through. I spend enough days in a week at my mom's facility to know exactly what goes on, how tough a job it is and how hard some of these caregiver's work. My best advice is to get her into a facility that know's what they are doing and take a much needed break out of town. I had to do that 4 or 5 times a year and towards the end I was silently wishing she would die, or that I would be allowed just 24-36 hours by myself, with no responsibility, or care in the world, just so I can stay in bed all day and pamper myself. Well, guess what? I got just that. Now mom has gone and I have all the time in the world. It can be a good thing or a bad thing. Just get some help. It is out there.
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Dear JessieBelle,
Please don't crack because I love some of your answers. What would we do without you? And who would love Honey Bunny? I feel like the Hulk sometimes too!
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We have so many stresses these days - caring for aging parents, job expectations, commutes, finances ... really it’s no wonder we feel like hulking out sometimes.

And I think it adds to our stress that society expects we “healthy” people to have unlimited reserves. Well we don’t.

Do what you have to for yourself, including making more alone time, and drop the guilt you feel when people push your buttons and bring out the hulk. Whether they can help it or not, they ARE pushing buttons and how are you supposed to know who is ill and who is just being annoying? You have your own problems and they are no less valid than anyone else’s. Drop the guilt - it plays a large role in the hulking out moments because you are fighting your natural instinct for self protection.
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Anyone under a lot of stress can crack. I’ve had moments of “the hulk” with my aging parents who also have a bit of dementia. I got so frustrated with their denial and avoidance and lack of compliance with medical needs. It’s all so frustrating. You need to find a way to discharge your anger. I talked to friends. Punched pillows, cried and yelled in therapy. It all helps discharge the built up anger, which by the way is perfectly normal. So forgive yourself and find a way to vent.
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Jessie - that 10 pm flu shot panic visit is the very reason I won't live within 30 miles of my mother. Although she still has enough sense not to expect the doctor to answer at 10 at night. When you live with an elderly parent, you become the dumping ground for all their little problems and issues and worries. I do know how exhausting and frustrating that is. I hope for your sake you'll be out of it soon. (((Hugs)))
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Threads like this always humble me deeply, the things you all have dealt with! Jessie, I too support counseling if you haven’t done any yet, and figuring out new forms of getting away. We have a shop district near here, and every few months I just go get lost there for hours... get a creamy ice coffee, putter in the book store, talk to the shop owners... make your own local adventure. Definitely try the hiking! Also, I’d contact the local church and other civic groups and recruit women to come visit her, there are older people who are more fit and like doing this type of volunteer work. They'll probably ‘get’ her more than you do, and she’ll be more civil with them. I hope you can make some positive changes after this thread! I like how someone pointed out that you’d better have these fits now and then, to take care of yourself. You’re not required to be perfect or quiet or ladylike!
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what is frontal dementia??
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Love the t-shirt idea!
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I feel your pain. The other day I said out loud that I wanted to run away. I knew if I didn’t get away I’d go nuts. I booked a cabin about 4 hour drive and went for 3 days. It helped to just be me, my books and to read and meditate.
I’m sorry you feel she isn’t able to go into AL...which is where she should be. When a person has dementia they are no longer capable of making rational decisions. As the POA, we have to make those decisions. Being a part time care giver is hard enough but I can’t imagine being a full time one!
JesseBelle, you never mention that you have a safe space to vent and unload. That is what a therapist is for. Do you see one? Yes you can unload here, and that is helpful because we "get it". But it would be good to have someone there who is objective listen to you. The other thing I’ve learned is not to bottle it up. We all know you can’t argue with someone who has dementia so we bottle it up and diffuse the situation. So that has to come out somewhere. Go someplace...even if you drive your car to a park and scream and get it out and say all the mean and hateful things you feel. Our brains are affected by this too and that is not good. So take care of yourself. Do you hire people to come and stay for you to get away? If not...you need to. You are important and matter....really more than your 90yo mom. My dad is 96 and says he wants to "go" all the time and I say "take him"...he’s had a good life until the dementia. I am still young (65 -ha) and have the right to enjoy mine like he did. He thinks he was so good to his mom...ha! Popped in to see her in the NH on his way to work for 10 minutes. Whoopdie-do!!! He hasn’t a clue. And after his last mental fiesta...I say "come already Jesus...what is taking you so long?" There..I said it.
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See your doctor. Tell him or her about this. Ask to fill out a depression screening form. My doctor gives one to everybody. So glad I did. I took an antidepressant for just a little while and boy did it help. Also decide what your goal is in this caregiving. Then move towards the goal with no distractions turning you aside. You are the decision maker, the hope.
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Sue,
Your mom must have been a prankster in her youth to think you put itching powder in her clothes -
how's her transition to the facility going?
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I never thought of "playing tent" with a blankie...but it sounds fun. I'd hide on the stairs but she'd sit on the sofa and scream, "Where did that lady go (me)?" then, "Is she coming back?", then, when she got no answer, it went to "help, help" at the top of her lungs.
So much for hiding out. :(
When I'd miraculously return, she'd summon me over to her.
"What's the problem", I'd say.
She replied, "Somebody has put itching powder all over my clothes."
"That's what you needed help for and was screaming about at the top of your lungs?" 
"Yes, I've got to get it off of me. Who did the laundry?"
"Your son in law."
"Well, he's trying to poison me! Why do you want to kill me?" "You're so mean to me."
I take off her shirt and replace it with another one. "Oh no, this one has itching powder on it too. I rip off that shirt and say, "It's a warm day, why don't you just sit in your bra for awhile." I put a freshly washed fuzzy throw over her. 
She asks, "What is this thing?"
"What do you think it is? You just were covered with it."
"It's an old, dirty, rotten, no good thing!"
"But we just washed that blanket."
"Well, I want my shirt back."
Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!

About this time the green Hulk shirt started busting its seams and I start trembling. A quick, "You'll be Okay." and I was off to hide somewhere else, so as not to reveal my true personality. Since I don't calm down easily after those "sessions", it took some time to get my chest back into the shirt.

One foot into insanity!
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Quote: "Maybe I should get a blanket and hang it between two chairs to make myself a little tent to hide in. Maybe I can take the rabbit and a snack for us as we're hiding out."

I sometimes eat my lunch in the kitchen instead of at the dining table with Dad, just so I can have a few minutes of peace, and not have to answer the same question 15 times. Please don't tell anyone. ::hangs head::
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We do go through a lot, Sue. Just now my mother came in my room asking about if flu shots would still be available when she went to the doctor in a couple of weeks. I told her they would. She then went on how they may not be and I should call and check. I told her okay. But she didn't accept that and went on talking about her worries. I told her there was little I could do, since it was after 10:00 at night. I could feel the Hulk starting to surface.

It was irritating to me since she had declined going with me to get the flu shot the other day when it would have been easy. She said she would wait until she went to the doctor. Sigh. She'll probably come back down the hall in a few minutes and say she wants to go to the pharmacy to get one tomorrow. Maybe I should get a blanket and hang it between two chairs to make myself a little tent to hide in. Maybe I can take the rabbit and a snack for us as we're hiding out. I can hear it now -- "Where are you?"
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