I help my parents with whatever they need done. My Dad has a chronic, progressive lung disease and my Mom fell and broke her hip just over a year ago. During Mom’s recovery & rehabilitation, I handled things for both of them. Paid bills, handled transportation & appointments, supported Mom through rehab and physical therapy, scheduled other family members to stay with Dad on different nights, did housework & laundry, cooked meals, etc.. After Mom came home, I noticed that others came less & less often. The better she got, the less they came. I still helped out because she couldn’t lift and is still a fall risk. My Dad’s condition is still just getting worse.
What I have noticed for a while now is that Mom & Dad treat me rather dismissively when I’m there unless I’m doing something for them but when I stop by and other family members are doing an occasional visit, they are warm & welcoming & chatty with them. I tried staying to visit them yesterday after taking my Dad to an out of town eye appointment and they both ignored me, even cut me off while talking and started talking to each other. My brother called, (he lives out of state and calls every single day to talk about his issues), and it was totally as if I wasn’t even there. I left. Does anyone else experience this?
Our brother is totally worthless.
Instead of just being angry, we sent him a list of a couple of tasks we'd left for him (cleaning out our parents' basement--no rush) months ago and never heard back.
So we've given up.
But when he swings by occasionally, unannounced, for 20 minutes, he's the golden child. (He lives several states away--a move he'd made, unannounced, a year prior, when our parents were already in bad shape and my sister and I were already handling their care.)
Mostly, we just say it is what it is, but I don't see our relationship with him as ever being repaired.
One lives several states away, but always has since his first real job. He would, once in a while, come for a week or so to visit.
The other lives about 40+ minutes from where we moved mom to.
Almost TWO years of my life gone clearing, cleaning and getting mom's condo repaired so we could sell it. Despite asking for help, maybe 3-5 random weeks OB came up to "help". YB was mostly absent. I only recall one time he happened to show up when we were there. My former son-in-law helped much more than they did.
When checking out MC places, both got sticker shock and said for that amount of money THEY'D take her in! Sure they would. During OB's last trip here, almost 3 years ago, we visited together once when he arrived. I sent him up one morning to bring DD coffee and donuts and visit her. Maybe 10-15 minutes? When I tried to suggest he visit again, knowing once he goes home he isn't likely to travel up to see her, he refused. He "didn't know what to do with her." Just be there? Listen to her repetitions? If you'd seen her reaction when she realized he was there that first evening, OMG, second coming!!! And this clown couldn't spend 10-20 minutes with a mother who adored him???? I'd always get "What're you doing here?" or "Where'd you come from?"
The other initially visited a few times, but mostly prompted by me (some special occasion or event they were having.) I got tired of asking/texting over and over again to see if he would attend, as they wanted head count. I didn't care one way or the other if he went, just say Yes or No dammit! Actually I did care, for mom's sake. It was so annoying I just stopped asking. As best I can tell, he stopped visiting. I didn't care that she treated them like some long lost soul, but it DOES irk me that they more or less put her out of their lives. She would sometimes ask if I'd seen or heard from one or the other. I could only reply, no, not recently. Eventually she stopped asking. THAT says it all! Even though I was locked out since March, she STILL knew who I was - staff members would be engaging with her and in talking about kids, when I was mentioned she would say "Oh, her and those CATS!"
Relationship to repair? Not for me. OB sealed his fate by revealing that the obnoxious abusive brother from long ago was still that obnoxious abusive jerk during that last trip here. I draw the line with the physical abuse. Verbal was bad enough, but geez, you're a grown man, how can you possibly think this is ok? Oh, right, because you are some kind of narcissistic mean vile person underneath that jovial persona you present to everyone. I did find out I'm not the only victim. YB is also on the eviction list. Different reasons, but I really can't deal with such an imbecile anymore! Too much to get into here, just suffice it to say I've had it.
Once the paperwork is done, the ink is dry and the last of the remaining funds distributed, be gone, the both of them! I do NOT need people like that in my life.
Some parents pick their favorites and that’s that.
They let it be known that the others are the favorite and if you call them on it, they will deny it profusely and become annoyed that you brought it up.
In other words, you offended them, and they could care less if they hurt you.
They will want you to feel as if you are wrong to question or point out their behavior.
It’s very common in many families. It usually doesn’t change.
We have no power to change others behavior. We can only change our reaction to it.
I think that some people misread dismissive as nasty - they are not nasty to me. When I walk in, it’s “could you check the laundry?”, that kind of thing. Kind of treating me like a hired hand but without pay. When others come, it’s a visit with courtesy. I think that many are right when they answered that the others who visit infrequently are treated like the prodigal son because my parents may fear that they won’t come back if required to help out. Whatever it is, it is not pleasant.
This goes for being ignored and being abused. They tend to take it out on those they see most, and those who are rarely seen or heard from become elevated.
When my mother was still living in her condo, she would often comment that my OB called EVERY Sunday, emphasis was hers. Didn't matter that I called many times/week or stopped in to help. It was irksome, but I didn't let it bother me. It was more important to me that I knew she was taken care of.
After moving her to MC, my general greeting was (and I would voice it along with her!) "What're you doing here?" and "Where'd you come from?" I would either ignore it, or give a flip response, like Pluto or Jupiter, and one time asked if she wanted me to leave. OB was not local, so he wasn't around much, even before the dementia kicked in. YB was the go-to when she needed something fixed, also well before the dementia. Her place was on my way to/from work, so I would sometimes stop in to check on her or take care of something. When I was laid off, this more or less became my "duty."
So, the last time OB came up to help with the condo (neither brother did a whole lot, most of the clearing, cleaning and repairs were done or coordinated by me, almost TWO years of my existence), we went together for a visit the first evening. I got the usual "greeting" and when she turned and saw him, you'd think it was the second coming! Fawning, ooohing and aaaahing over him!
The saddest part is after sending him up alone one morning to deliver coffee and a snack from DD, he couldn't handle it. How do I know that? When I suggested he go visit again, during a down time of condo work, he REFUSED to go, saying he "didn't know what to do with her." NO personal contact after that (I didn't set her up with a phone as she couldn't manage it and couldn't hear very well, if at all, with it) other than sending cards and dumb pictures of a place he was building. Over 2.5 YEARS.
YB also wasn't one to visit. I would text him to ask if he was going to various special events/meals they were having, as they needed a head count. All too often I wouldn't get response, even after several attempts. I finally just stopped asking. I only wanted a yes or no, and wasn't "judging" him if he chose not to go. However, mom would periodically ask about them, if I'd seen them or heard from them. I would brush it off, just saying no, not recently. Because of memory loss, eventually she stopped asking. THAT says a lot. She still knew who I was, even after the lock down when I wasn't allowed to visit. Discussions with staff, she knew me, as she would often say "Oh her and those CATS!"
It REALLY irks me that those 2 couldn't be bothered to visit their mother. Bad enough they didn't really help, but not caring enough to go visit is just so sad. Now it's too late. I am thankful that they weren't the type to interfere. Much as it would've been nice to have some help, at least they didn't get in the way. I gave up on both years ago. Now, it's more work for me to get all that needs to be done finished, and even though there's no work to be done, just tell us how you want your share, they are being difficult! When the paperwork is dry and the accounts empty, I am DONE with them!
Be comforted that you know what you are doing to help them and be there for them. If nothing else, the fact that you have become "white noise" in a way implies that they are comfortable with what you do and know that you will be there for them. If the others don't help and don't really visit, that's on them. If they have a conscience, they'll have to deal with that when the times comes.
The nub of it is that other people/family members are New and Interesting and you are always there and unnoticed, or even possibly felt to be hanging around longer than strictly necessary.
Being taken for granted in this way does leave a bitter taste in the mouth but it is very difficult to find effective but proportionate ways to change their attitude.
You could - could you? You know them and I don't! - be blunt and say to them "I feel very taken for granted, sometimes, and I do mind." Leave it there and give them time to digest that point. Then when they, for example -
ignore you
look baffled
apologise
deny all responsibility
blame you for not being more understanding
make excuses or even
take to heart what you've said and show more appreciation
- any of which are possible, you will see more clearly where you stand.
We are treated like the hired help.
If my mom's food delivery has to make a substitution she is told my sister chose the alternate food. If it were me she gives me hell.
It just gets really really tiring and old. I have backed off checking in so much and communicate with their sitters instead.
Their first concern when others stop by is “how are you?”. Hence I only go when necessary. It has upset one of my sons as he thought that I was abandoning them. Nothing could be further from the truth. I am not enabling them and leave everything that they are capable of doing for them to do. I only do what is absolutely necessary.
my mom Treats me the same way
Let your parents do ALL they are capable of doing. Don't enable them to call you for everything. Look on your family relationships as a contract in which you state what you will do and they state what they will do.
Often OPs write us asking why they, the caregivers, are the very ones who are cursed, yelled at, abused with ungratefulness and the rest of the family are the "good ones". Easy to designate a "good one" when you don't live with them. We always take out our frustrations on the one closest to hand.
Perhaps you are not needed there as much as you currently are there. Cut back just a bit.
You can either be treated like visiting royalty and like a houseguest or you can be treated like family. Kind of look at it like that.
I don’t resent other family members but it does hurt when I’m treated badly and the other family visitors are treated so nicely.