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My mom is 82 COPD, declining sharpness, She has always been a bit of a drinker, but now it just dangerous and sad. She will not admit she's drunk but yet can not even hold her head up. A couple of weeks ago she fell out of bed or almost out of bed with her leg against dresser holding her in.. I have talked to her friends and family, that come over and drink with her, told them it is not safe and can not continue. This has not stopped her, she tells me I can't tell her what to do. This happened tonight She was just pissed can barely keep her head up, I told her that its not fair as I am the one who as to take care of her. she proceeded to tell tough and that she was hungry, SHe was unable to fix herself another one and I told her though I'm not getting you one. I will be sleeping in travel trailer tonight, I can't keep enabling her. I'm at my wits end.

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She needs 24/7 supervision and this is probably a lot more serious than anybody wants to admit.

She needs to be placed in a secure facility that can deal with this kind of problem. You need to build a team with a social worker who can do an assessment and a doctor who can determine what other issues are in play besides drinking. Your mother may be self-medicating her depression or boredom, which is common in elders, and extremely treatable.

Priority one is her safety, and that may mean she needs to be in a different environment for a while, where she does not have access to alcohol or her triggers. A doctor can help you make that happen.
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I have no answer, but agree with sandwich42plus. I am guessing its a kind of awareness suicide, when drunk she doesn't have to cope with the COPD, it also probably relaxes her breathing, so she isn't fighting for air. Certainly get professional help, for your own sanity
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Look in you area for a geriatric psychiatric unit. Call her doctor and work with them to get her admitted. They will help her to detox and address the addiction. Once she recievesTreatment place her into skilled care. Geriatric Addiction is common.this is serious. If you were in my local area I could recommend the exact place to manage her detox and to seek assistance or an intervention. Calling your Department of Aging for advice is an option too.
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Been there done that......I am sorry to be so "flip" but YES, you need to get her out of that environment and go to an Al-anon (did I spell it right?) meeting! Find a support group for yourself.

My mom was apparently living in her own home like that FOR YEARS! I was married with 3 kids living FOUR HOURS away and had no idea. One Christmas, I went to get her and bring her to my house....she was SO DRUNK and scared she swung a BIG PIPE WRENCH at me. She eventually ended up in ICU and a nursing home. While she was there, they dried her out and she quit smoking. She lives near me in an assisted living facility and honestly, she's almost cured. Every now and then she gets her "panties in a wad" because she sees someone drinking and she says, "Oh those poor people!" But she admits that her only regret is she can't drink b/c it makes her want to smoke and she doesn't want to go through the radiation for lung cancer again........

Your loved one's situation is fixable but call the Adult Protective Services folks......the Council on Aging ......anyone in your area that advocates for Seniors and maybe you can get her out of that mess. Go find a Al-anon sponsor.....someone to tell stories to until they make you realize.....worse things can happen and still may happen to you! But then again, things CAN get better! Pray if you find that helpful. I will pray for you.
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It's hard. My mother does the same. She drank herself into dementia. She's gone through rehab twice and insist that no one is going to tell her when she is going to stod drinking. She says she's going to drink until the day she dies. She has friends that sneak alcohol to her because they say she should be allowed to do whatever she wants. She's passed out, pissy drunk, on the floor frequently. It's hard enough caring for them with the lack of memory, the drunken state is like a kick in the teeth.
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Campyone - this is all good advice but I'm thinking not practical. Would she agree to go see a doctor? Probably not. I had the same problem with my mother except she was high functioning. Drank a little bit all day and all night and took Advil PM and other pills to knock her out. I told her she was a stroke waiting to happen. And guess what? She had a stroke, recovered and then had four more. Now in a NH, long term. Can walk, can't really talk and can't understand what happened to her. It's all very sad. If you can't get her to a facility for an evaluation, whether physical or psychological, you just going to have to wait until she is injured and goes to a hospital by ambulance. It is very unusual for an 82 year old to become a recovering alcoholic. The odds are low, I'm sorry. If you are buying booze for her, you might want to stop and call the area liquor stores and tell them NOT to deliver. I don't know what else to tell you. I've been in your shoes. Now, I'm cleaning out her house. She has no idea she is not coming home. Very sad.
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And yes, call your local Dept on Aging in your town or county. They can help guide you. Good luck and keep us posted.
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Next time she is passed out on the floor call 911 and have her transported. Refuse to take her home till she is properly assessed and treated and I don't mean black coffee in the ER. The staff will give you ard time but stand firm and tell them she lives alone and if they arrange transport home you will sue them for elder abuse or anything else you can think of.
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Veronica is right.
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Wow. I've gone to Alanon for years and years and years, and one main lesson learned is to detach - not forever, but regularly, repeatedly, put your focus onto your life, schedule, pace that includes extra time to rest and pause, even if you have chosen to do fewer activities at this time of your mom's vulnerabilities.

Making time to be methodical and also to rest more, around people who drink in ways that put themselves or others into danger, is not easy but actually ends up helping the situation some, for some of the drinking occurs because the parent or relative feels protected - no matter how much yelling occurs.

I have a callous attitude sometimes - Let Go and Let God, pause a few days before being so quick to volunteer to step in as middle man, when the person you are helping is ignoring your efforts and making things worse. I like some of the responses here, it does matter to stay involved and look for other physical issues - and talk to the home about the friends who come with the alcohol. But if that continues, you can say to your mother, you choose them and their company over mine, so I love you and will keep stopping by, but I have to leave you to your own devices, I can't rescue you this way.

Visit - and chat. Show that you care, on a regular basis. And then leave. Soon she will complain and you can say, I can't try to help with that, you need to stop drinking, so you can think better. I worry about you. And leave it at that. Or ask why she listens to her "friends", for drinking buddies are not really friends who go to bat for you.

I'm simplifying, and I don't mean to make suggestions, only to say it can be very helpful to realize that we cannot drive ourselves to impatience and stress and worry. The person may die from their actions, we need to allow them to see that we do not want this to happen, and worry, but we can't promise to even try to find solutions, when they are showing they don't really want them.

I'm not saying to abandon them, but come and go, and pick times to help positively so you can feel some good cheer, and pray over the rough spots and say, I have to go now.

Our meetings are filled with children, spouses or mothers, all worried at the edge, living with broken promises and crazy-making stuff - and we find we are more patient and able to struggle when we meet others in similar settings, allow ourselves many breaks from worry, and self forgiveness. We work to give ourselves deliberate schedule that includes rest and small steps to keep up with our own goals. I've joined an anonymous group to help with my under-earning too - I wish I had found that one earlier, for my upbringing taught me few experiences of a methodical life, it was filled with battles and competition among the children, who were so rarely the focus of any sustained adult attention, since both parents were drinkers and more focused on maintaining a social image, than on learning to work together with all the people in the home to address home care and family tasks
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Alcoholism is a horrible disease. I have a gardener who lost his drivers license for 10 years because of THREE DUI's. I am at the point where I am sick of his "oh woo is me". I just lost my partner and he is gone and I am supposed to put my mourning aside to listen to his sad story? I have to pick him up and bring him home. I felt sorry for him. But, I cannot continue to support his drinking.

He is a HARD worker, but the other day when I drove him home, I had to stop at the liquor store for him to buy a bottle. So I am enabling him in his disease. He is a prisoner in his home without a driving license. AS much as I love his hard work, I have to let him go. I don't know what he is going to do. Now that he has that bottle, I probably will get excuses for a few days as to why he cannot work. He will be getting over a huge hangover.

What is it about alcohol that people are willing to ruin their life to have it.
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If that is really true, then stop buying the booze, and get her into AA, however, anyone who has a terminal illness, at some point in time, you have to just let her behaviors go...
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I can relate to this. My 92 yr old mother has been living with my husband and I for the last 2 1/2 years. She is in moderate dementia now. She was used to a glass or two of wine a night and I didn't think anything of it. Well now it is a box of wine in less than a week and if I don't watch her, she'll start drinking at 9:00 am! She has been sick to her stomach for 1 1/2 weeks now, had her in the ER and taking her back to the doc today, yet I came home Tuesday (had an attendant taking care of her that afternoon) to find her drinking! When she started drinking Wednesday afternoon, I took it away from her, told her she could have it back when we got her feeling better, she asked "is that what I'm drinking?" I don't know if she's trying to fool me or not. Surely she can taste the difference from wine to lemonade? And why she always goes for the wine. At any rate, I don't think I'll give her back the wine at all. Oddly enough, that seems to be the only thing she does remember, that she's out of wine. Anyway, I feel for you.
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Debrakgray, yes they are manipulators. It's your house. Don't buy the box is my suggestion. :)
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Campyone - you seem angry and very frustrated. That is understandable.

A lot of this advice is "tough love".

My mom has "wet brain" (can't recall the technical term) from years of drinking. My mom was a functioning alcoholic. My mom is now a 74 year old, dementia, alcoholic. I don't try to stop her. That would/could kill her (literally). She doesn't remember what she had for lunch today, how is she going to remember what rehab or AA taught her? The Dr. gave me Valium and told ME to detox her. No. Not going to do it. I do water her bottle down half/half. I'm going to let her enjoy what she has left in life, but not to the point of endangering herself. (no lectures on how I am endangering her by allowing any alcohol). Each case is different. The struggle is real.
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Alcoholism and addiction are anything but funny.
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Been there myself, the crazy train for about the last 4 years. Only child dealing with two alcoholic parents in their 70s. Wow, I tried so many things. At some point I just had to accept that I can't change them and to take care of myself first. You need to do what is right for YOU. My parents would get in the car and drive to the store for their wine, at 7 am each morning, regardless of anything else. There was really no way to stop it. Things are dry for the moment and better but they both have lasting physical impacts. We've been down the path of sobriety before, only to go back to the 7 am wine runs. I feel it's only a matter of time before the insanity starts up again. Google "The Immortal Alcoholic", it has lots of info. and can be a real life line when things get crazy. I wish you the best!
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"Wet brain" may be Korsakoff's Psychosis, the dementia caused by alcohol abuse, manifested by short-term memory loss, confabulation, delusions, paranoia, etc. While the destruction of their mind is bad enough, that often goes hand-in-hand with a potentially lethal consciousness alteration called Wernicke's Encephalopathy, which can require ER intervention and a number of days to stabilize. Together these conditions are termed "Wernhicke-Korsakoff Syndrome," which is something my husband has. With his cognitive shortcomings, he is incapable of recognizing/responding to the need for alcohol abstinence, so it has been necessary for me to act as his "enforcer." While I well know this is not what Al-Anon advocates, and while it has been an unpleasant and often combative situation for me, my zero tolerance policy has been effective. I guess the trick is to realize when and whether you need to intervene or detatch. In a life-thratening situation such as Wernicke-Korsakoff, I vote for intervention.
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She doesn't want to quit so no matter what you do she will keep it up.My grandma was a drunk. She would walk to the store in hide it behind the towels or in the toilet tank. if she cant drive don't take her. but first you must take her to her doctor because her body can go through a shock and she will be hateful and cruel. Things will come out her mouth that you may never forgive or. just water it down to nothing. saving it to water it down for the up and coming days and fill it up before she wakes up. That is what i did and I made her people that came over I treated them like sh*t until they stopped coming over messing with the new rules and I even told a few they can come in stay and I will go in live my life. GOOD LUCK
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One of my mom's best friends husband was in the hospital dying of lung cancer. He begged her for a cigarette. She was so fed up that she went out bought a carton, brought them back to his room where she laid them on his chest and said "there, smoke yourself to death". "if you don't care then I won't either". She was done and had had it. Very sad being married that long and walking out on someone but sometimes you just have to let them do what they are going to do. I'm ready for all the whiplash this is going to bring on from all of you but I'm convinced smoking, drinking and Excedrin is what killed my sister 2 years ago. She had had stomach surgery for bleeding ulcers 15 years ago and had 1/2 her stomach removed. At that time drs. told her to quit all but of course she didn't. She told me she did and I saw her on occasion light one up take a drag off of it and put it out. But when I was cleaning out her apt. I found a whole carton under her bed and a case of Excedrins in the bathroom (ate them like candy). When I asked her daughter about it she said NO, she hadn't quit! And where did I get that idea. Anyway, It's terribly sad and hard I know. I take care of both parents. Mom with dem/alz. in a facility and dad in a retirement home of which he will be 93 next week and getting ready to have a lung biopsy (heart attack 5 years ago). Who helped her up when she fell? Maybe you should have left her there (providing she wasn't hurt) to let her see how long she "didn't" need anyone's help. It's harsh to say that about an 82 year old I know but my aunt was also an alcoholic AND my grandfather so I've got it in the family. I saw what my mom and dad when through with them and they both died terrible deaths. Sorry, to be a downer however, like Castle said, we have to detach the best we can to get through these things so we CAN help at difficult times. I also agree with Veronica on this......wait until she passes out and get her to the ER OR Psych place. They will hold her for 3 days and do an eval on her. I wish you luck being strong. You have all of our support. Good luck and God Bless
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Is she able to go by the booze? If someone is supplying her with it, tell them to take a hike. My mother and step-father had their drinks, but never saw the drunk, except one time a little tipsy. It was on the porch saying good night to a very nice man I was dating at the time. They pulled up in the driveway, tipsy. I was so embarrassed. My date didn't drink and neither did I and never did. I hope you find a way to help your mother. I am 83 and want to be as healthy as possible. I live in an assistant living place because of other problems. Verna
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The reason she thinks its funny ix because she's to embarrassed to admit she is a drunk. Your right shes drank all her life...shes not going to want to stop. Dont enable her...good start . Buy her alcohol free wine...it can trick her into thinking she had a drink!
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Also the book is very OLD but read "Co Dependent No More". Dysfunction is such a long, slippery slope. I have also read that 9 out of 10 families have some level of dysfunction and so, the shame most people feel about it turns out to be a lot more typical than they think. Detachment is necessary. If you see car keys out and she's in that state, take them away. Let her fall if she has to; it may be the only way she will get it and realize, if she ever does, that this is a mess and she needs help. You cannot change another person but you can change your actions as they relate to them. Maybe not feelings because you are used to the feelings you have and that's what help for YOU is all about.
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life experiences, I mean this with all respect but if she drinks to get drunk she will NOT be fooled. 82 is not that elderly and she is no rookie to drinking. I believe in honesty and being upfront. Anyway, I think pouring her a glass of something that she might think IS wine would be sending the entirely wrong message anyway. I know you mean well but I can't agree with you.
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After dealing with alcoholic parents for years, I can guarantee you they would detect ANY change in their wine supply...such as: non-alcoholic wine, watered down wine, etc. Be careful with these tactics. I agree, frustrated2! Playing games like that might backfire.
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Dear Campy - Geez....that's a tough one. An alcoholic with dementia. That's a serious injury waiting to happen. Veronica is spot on with this one. Tell the paramedics you found her unresponsive. Let them take her to ER. You've indicated that you live on the property. The hospital will try to release her to your care. So be prepared to push back. I think I'd ask for a psychiatric evaluation. Once she's in the hospital, call the social services director for a chat. One step at a time and stay in touch.

Loreal & SWOMBO- no judgments from this side. There may be a common thread to a situation, but all are different. Your honesty is appreciated. Do what ya gotta do.
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SamIamW's advice is good. We had to do that with my father 6 months ago. He was drinking heavily and basically confined himself to his easy chair and was out of it most of the time. He took some falls, etc. etc. I told my mom that if he fell again, she should call 911 and let it go. Anyway, he ended up in the hospital for a week, and then went to a nursing facility for about 5 weeks. It gave us time to take our breath and forced him to detox with doctor supervision. He had nutritional supplements, physical therapy, saw a psychiatrist, and came home a better person. No real drinking that I am aware of. Keeping my fingers crossed! I think it really woke him up to how destructive his deal was. It was no longer funny (it used to be), it was life or death.....!
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Has anybody ever videotaped an alcoholic at their most disgusting and then showed it to them later? I've had alcoholic inlaws, and one reason they think they're OK or "cute" is that the first thing that goes is their judgment.
Unfortunately, there really isn't a whole lot anybody outside can do. Al-Anon is probably the best source for advice; try to keep them off the road and damaging anyone else.
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I can tell ya, showing a seasoned drinker a video of themselves? more source of joking about it. They will make up all kinds of stories to justify their drinking.
I Almost got Mom off it, by instead getting her a Doc's recommendation for medical marijuana, used as a tincture or a concentrated "oil" dosed from a squirt-syringe.
She could easily dose herself using either of those, so she retained some autonomy.
And, there was NO way for her to OD on that.
1. It worked to control her glaucoma, when she was not able to tolerate eye drops.
2. It works to control pain.
3. It works to lift mood or otherwise mellow her moods.
ALL of those things, were badly needed for Mom, but, other siblings refused to allow it--the States they live in, don't allow it...yet.
Waiting will be too late for Mom.
While she was using Med. MJ, she was not using alcohol nearly as much.
Her moods were nicer. And, her glaucoma was nicely controlled or improving.
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There have been many posts on other posts that reported drinking and declining mentally, where a little trickery worked! A lot of posts said that they were adding water to drinks until there was no alcohol. That mite not work for everyone but it worked for many. Seniors, esp wen thin cannot drink that much. Wen dementia starts setting in...everything about that person will change eventually. Everone that posts an idea has a valid opinion. So of course, again, try non alcoholic drinks, it cant hurt.

Hope the person who started post keeps us updated.
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