Daughters of narcissistic mothers. What are the effects?

Thank you for the great article. It made me sad but I am starting to heal at 57. I realize that I never had a mother in the true sense of the word. She is still able to keep up appearances in front of others but will not hesitate to be mean to me. The sad thing is my sister,the golden girl, has completely sided with mom and tries to invalidate when I try to express my feelings.

Heart2Head, what a great article! My mother falls clearly in the Controlling category.

Psychology Today has a lot of great articles that relate to elder care. I particularly like the one I read recently about our parents being the entitlement generation, never thinking or caring about how much they demand of us. I liked what the author said about how things used to always be hidden and handled by family. So when something is needed, call the adult child, never thinking that the adult child has their own life to tend to.

Jessie, so true. Also, it seems that our parents' generation has far more "needs" and expectations that their parents did. My grandmother would've thought it wasteful and silly to run to five stores for specific items. For Christmas, she put $2 in a card (usually recycled) for each grandkid. My mom, on the other hand, had us running to multiple stores because "I have to have that brand". For Christmas, we were personal shoppers, running around for just the right present for each of the 17 people on her list. I had to use a spreadsheet to keep her Christmas stuff straight. When we switched her to giving giftcards, oh dear....that's not the way she'd always done it. So I think it's a mix of entitlement with having had the luxury of free time (a couple decades of retirement) colliding with us not having anywhere near the time (or oomph) to do everything they want.

Seems like my hyperlink was edited/taken off my post so I'll copy/paste it her so it may help others-
8 Types of Toxic Patterns in Mother-Daughter Relationships:
It’s true enough that all daughters of unloving and unattuned mothers have common experiences. The lack of maternal warmth and validation warps their sense of self, makes them lack confidence in or be wary of close emotional connection, and shapes them in ways that are both seen and unseen.
What are they missing? I will quote Judith Viorst because her description of what an attuned mother communicates through gaze, gesture, and word is pitch perfect:
“'You are what you are. You are what you are feeling.’ Allowing us to believe in our own reality. Persuading us that it is safe to expose our early fragile beginning-to-grow true self.”
The unloved daughter hears something very different, and takes away another lesson entirely. Unlike the daughter of an attuned mother who grows in reflected light, the unloved daughter is diminished by the connection.
Yet, despite the broad strokes of this shared and painful experience, the pattern of connection—how the mother interacts with her daughter—varies significantly from one pair to another. These different behaviors affect daughters in specific ways. I’ve compiled a list of these patterns, drawn from my own experiences and those of the many daughters I’ve spoken to over the years since I first began researching Mean Mothers. Since I’m neither a therapist nor a psychologist, the names I’ve given them aren’t scientific but chosen for clarity. Yet differentiating these patterns in broad terms can help daughters recognize, understand, sort through, and ultimately begin to manage these very problematic and painful interactions. These behaviors aren’t mutually exclusive, of course; my own mother was dismissive, combative, unreliable, and self-involved by turns.
1. Dismissive
“My mother ignored me,” Gwen, 47, confides. “If I did something that I thought would make her proud, she would either dismiss it as insignificant or undercut it in some other way. And I believed her for the longest time.” Daughters raised by dismissive mothers doubt the validity of their own emotional needs. They feel unworthy of attention and experience deep, gut-wrenching self-doubt, all the while feeling intense longing for love and validation. Here’s how one daughter described it:
“My mother literally didn’t listen to me or hear me. She’d ask if I were hungry and if I said I wasn’t, she’d put food in front of me as if I’d said nothing. She would ask what I wanted to do over the weekend or summer, ignore my answer, and then make plans for me. What clothes did I want? The same thing. But that wasn’t the central part: she never asked me how I was feeling or what I was thinking. She made it clear that I was largely irrelevant to her.”
Dismissive behavior, as reported by daughters, occurs across a spectrum, and can become combative if the mother actively and aggressively turns dismissal into rejection. Human offspring are hardwired to need and seek proximity to their mothers, and therein lies the problem: the daughter’s need for her mother’s attention and love isn’t diminished by the mother’s dismissal. In fact, from my own personal experience, I know that it can amp up the need, thrusting the daughter into an active pattern of demand (“Why don’t you care about me/ love me, Mom?” or “Why do you ignore me?”) or a plan to “fix” the situation (“I’ll get all A’s in school or win a prize, and then she’ll love me for sure!”). The response, alas, is inevitably the mother’s further withdrawal, often accompanied by complete denial about what took place.
2. Controlling
In many ways, this is another form of the dismissive interaction although it presents very differently; the key link is that the controlling mother doesn’t acknowledge her daughter any more than the dismissive one does. These mothers micromanage their daughters, actively refuse to acknowledge the validity of their words or choices, and instill a sense of insecurity and helplessness in their offspring. Most of this behavior is done under the guise of being for the child’s “own good;” the message is, effectively, that the daughter is inadequate, cannot be trusted to exercise good judgment, and would simply flounder and fail without her mother’s guidance.
3. Unavailable
Emotionally unavailable mothers, those who actively withdraw at a daughter’s approach or who withhold love from one child while granting it to another, inflict a different kind of damage. Be mindful that all children are hardwired to rely on their mothers thanks to evolution. “My mother wasn’t mean,” one daughter writes, “But she was emotionally disconnected from me and still is.” These behaviors can include lack of physical contact (no hugging, no comforting); unresponsiveness to a child’s cries or displays of emotion, and her articulated needs as she gets older; and, of course, literal abandon. Continued...

Continued...

Literal abandonment leaves its own special scars, especially in a culture which believes in the automatic nature of mother love and instinctual behavior. In addition to being excruciatingly painful, it is also bewildering. That was true for Eileen, 39, who has sorted through many of these issues and, as a mother herself, now has limited contact with her mother. Eileen’s parents divorced when she was four and she lived with her mother until she was six when her mother decided that her father was the “appropriate” parent after all. It was devastating for the six-year-old, particularly since her father remarried and had already had a first child in his new marriage. There would be two more. But the big question for Eileen was this: “I could never understand why my Mom didn’t want to be around. I felt a huge part was missing in my life and that only my Mom could fill it.”
All of these behaviors leave daughters emotionally hungry and sometimes desperately needy. The luckiest daughters will find another family member—a father, a grandparent, an aunt or an uncle—to step into the emotional breach which helps but doesn’t heal; many don’t. These insecurely attached daughters often become clingy in adult relationships, needing constant reassurance, from friends and lovers alike.

4. Enmeshed

While the first two types of behaviors describe mothers who distance themselves from their children, enmeshment is the opposite: these mothers do not acknowledge any kind of boundary between them, their definition of self, and their children. In this case, the daughter’s need for love and attention facilitates a maternal chokehold, exploiting human nature in the service of another goal. These women are classic “stage mothers” and live through their children’s achievements, which they both demand and encourage; while they have a long history—the mothers of Gypsy Rose Lee, Judy Garland, and Frances Farmer come immediately to mind—they now have especial renown (and no shame) thanks to reality television. Vivian Gornick’s memoir, Fierce Attachments, should be required reading for any daughter who grew up with a mother like this.

While the daughter of a dismissive or unavailable mother “disappears” because of inattention and under-parenting, the enmeshed daughter’s sense of self is swallowed whole. Untangling enmeshment—the term alone conveys the difficulty—is another road entirely because of the absence of boundaries. A healthy and attuned maternal relationship offers security and freedom to roam at once—the infant is released from her mother’s arms to crawl, the adolescent counseled but listened to and respected—and this pattern does not. That’s all missing in the enmeshed relationship.

5. Combative

“Open” warfare characterizes this kind of interaction, though I have put “open” in quotation marks for a reason. These mothers never acknowledge their behaviors, and they are usually quite careful about displaying them in public. Included in this group are the mothers who actively denigrate their daughters, are hypercritical, intensely jealous of, or competitive with their offspring. Yes, this is mean mother territory; the mother takes advantage of the power play. I know—the words “power play” and “mother” seem incongruous combined in a single sentence—but I leave you in the capable hands of Deborah Tannen, with a quotation I use often because I simply can’t phrase it better or with her authority:
A child is no match for this warrior queen and, more dangerously, will internalize the messages communicated by her. Many daughters report that the pain of feeling responsible somehow—the belief that they “made’ their mothers react, or that they are unworthy—is as crippling as the lack of maternal love. Blame and shame was usually this mother’s weapons of choice.

The combative mother uses verbal and emotional abuse to “win” but can resort to physical force as well. She rationalizes her behaviors as being necessary because of defects in her daughter’s character or behavior. This is dangerous territory.

6. Unreliable

This is, in many ways, the hardest behavior for a daughter to cope with, because she never knows if the “good mommy” or the “bad mommy” will show up. All children form mental images of what relationships in the real world look like based on their connections to their mothers; these daughters understand emotional connection to be fraught, precarious, and even dangerous. In an interview for my book, Mean Mothers, “Jeanne” (a pseudonym) said:

“I trace my own lack of self-confidence back to my mother. She was emotionally unreliable—horribly critical of me one day, dismissive the next, and then, out of nowhere, smiling and fussing over me. I now realize that the smiley mom thing usually happened in front of other people who were her audience. Anyway, I never knew what to expect. She could be intolerably present, inexplicably absent, and then playing a part. ... Continued on next post...

... I assumed I’d done something to make her treat me the way she did. Now, I know she did what she felt like, without any thought of me, but I still hear her voice in my head especially when life gets difficult or I feel insecure.”
7. Self-involved

Call her a narcissist if you wish. This mother sees her daughter—if she sees her at all—as an extension of herself and nothing more. Unlike the enmeshed mother who is intently and smotheringly focused on her child, this mother carefully controls her involvement as it suits her own self-reflection. A power player, she’s incapable of empathy; instead, very concerned with appearances and the opinions of others. Her emotional connection to her daughter is superficial—although she would fiercely deny that if you asked—because her focus is on herself. The tactics she uses to manipulate and control her daughter permit her to self-aggrandize and feel good about herself.

These mothers often look great from the outside—they are usually attractive and charming when you meet them, take great care of their homes, and may have admirable talents and careers—which serves to confuse and isolate the unloved daughter even more. It is, alas, easier to recognize that you are playing the role of Cinderella (and it was an evil mom, not a stepmother, until the Grimm Brothers cleaned up the tale) when you are living in the cellar and everyone knows your mother is a hag.

8. Role-reversed

Anecdotally, this is the pattern of maternal interaction I hear about the least—the scenario in which the daughter, even at a young age, becomes the helper, the caretaker, or even “the mother” to her own mother. Sometimes, this pattern emerges when the mother has children very young and more of them than she can actually handle. That was true for Jenna, now in her late thirties, who reported:

"By the time my Mom was 26, she had four kids, little money, and no support. I was the oldest and by the time I was five, I was her helper. I learned to cook, do laundry, and clean. As I got older, the dynamic stayed the same, only more so. She called me her 'rock' but she never paid attention to me, just to my younger siblings. Now that I’m an adult, she still doesn’t mother me but acts more like a very critical, older friend. I think she robbed me of my childhood.”

More famously, but in the same vein, Mary Karr’s memoir The Liar’s Club depicts both Mary and her older sister stepping in to mother themselves or their mother.

Daughters of alcoholic mothers or those who suffer from untreated depression may also find themselves in the caretaker role, regardless of their age. That may include mothering not just their mothers but their siblings, as well. There are “fragile” mothers who also interact in this way, claiming health or other issues. Ironically, these mothers may love their daughters but lack the capacity to act on their feelings. While these behaviors are hurtful, with therapy or intervention, many daughters report reconciliation in adulthood as well as understanding.

A Few Thoughts

Despite what we prefer to believe, the female of our species isn’t hardwired to love her offspring; it is the child, not the mother, whom evolution has equipped with a powerful need as an aid to survival. It’s estimated that half of us, plus or minus, hit the jackpot and have mothers who range from “great” to “good enough.” This is not to say that these mothers are “perfect”—human beings, by definition, make mistakes—or that they don’t sometimes, at one moment or another, exhibit any of these kinds of interaction. It happens, but it doesn’t constitute a pattern.

But for those of us who didn’t fare as well in the lottery, there is hope and healing. To those who have trouble understanding, please listen and don’t put these daughters on trial because they challenge what you would like to believe about mothering and motherhood.

Please exhibit the trait these mothers lack. It’s called empathy.
(Sorry I had to repost this the long way, but I thought it may help others here)

I just remembered something from kindergarten. She was told that they were going to hold me back from moving onto the 1st grade because I wouldn't raise my hand and after the meeting, I could tell she was angry and I apologized, scared. She just glared at me and stomped to the car. Never stopped to hug me and say that everything was going to be all right. No, just angry. Now, she doesn't see me as useful to her image and she wants me out of the house. I can tell I'm not welcome after I told her she's been gaslighting me since I can remember. Now I know why I dated, and it was just to feel desired, find that emotional and physical intimacy. I yearned for it. Now I know why I always felt empty for so long.

So true TL... Things coming from your childhood like this and being treated like this from the person you look up to the most... can destroy so much in a person's life. I know now that I had a very dysfunctional family to say the least... as well. My mother has never supported me or given me guidance... and, then went on to blame me for everything that ever went 'wrong' (in her eyes)... and, still does... this is so draining!... and, such a waste of our precious life... We deserve to be happy and able to peacefully come to acceptance that this is their problem, so we can go on to life the rest of our lives happy.

It's rare that a narc mother will actually try to be a better person. I only read one story like that, and the adult child still despises her most of the time.

Hi Cyndi... I'm so glad you can breathe and be happy in your life after such a difficult 'childhood' (we all a can relate). Your testimony helps all out there that are struggling with this malady of errors... Keep well and try to fit in all you can to have a good life. Blessings always...

Heart2Heart, you really provided spot on insights. It took me a long time to figure out why I was gaslighted and challenged all of my life. When life should have been easy my mother made it difficult--the exact opposite of what mothers should do. Some parents are not suited for the challenges of parenting children. The damage that these mothers do is so horrible. It can take a lifetime to recover...if ever. It's great that this syndrome is getting know more and more because I'd never heard of it until recently. It's great to see forums like this one because sometime siblings aren't helpful at all and anyone who has not suffered through it will have a hard time understanding since these mothers know how to present a great image to others. People always tell me how nice my mother is. Ha! They didn't have to live with her and she doesn't need to control them.

Hello, how are you? I am a 49 year old lady who's mother has scapegoated me all of my life. She has worked really hard to 'cause sibling rivalry in my 3 brothers and has succeeded in her favourite. My Psychotherapist I have seen for over 18 years tells me she has elements of being a Psychopath and is a Pathological narcissist. She has tried to break me ......Im just trying to come to grips with it .......me thinks

Hi, I've sent a message but am slowly reading these message : here i am ....feeling so in touch with you !
My parents when married were both Pathological narcissists....both jealous of me....their only daughter. From this site, I got the strength to cut my Mum.....

I wish I could get to where Palmtrees1 is and be angry but I feel that my whole life is just about grieving.......

My own mother has lots of "milk" - took care of the family providing food (in later years we were to shocked to hear her say she hated cooking, but had to do it to feed family) and clothing, clean house. But very little "honey" in form of affirming like saying "I love you" or giving hugs or commenting on something nice or good we had done. She actually said one time that "I don't say anything good about my kids. They'll just do something bad and ruin it". Dad would say "Play that song on the piano for your Aunt Gladys" but not Mom. When went away to college ( I worked and got scholarship money. OK parents did not help much), she would say I'd think I'm too good for the family. Wow just realized where my brother may have gotten his mistaken idea that we college sisters are better than him - skilled trade but no college! She still criticizes prefessional people that they are stuck up etc. When I'd come home to vist as adult she once commented "you hug your dad but not me." Well it was my dad who always hugged me and she did not. Now caring for both parentswith sibs and finally some paid hel, since we can't do it all. At least I cannot. Two sibs, including brother and my mom say it is kids duty to care for elderly parents.I want to and do help but don't feel I am duty bound to give over my whole life to their care. I need to nourish my own health and relationships or I will be left sick and lonely myself.

gogurlz, it's the way of many parents. They were removed emotionally, but if you are to try to say how they were not so good, all you can do is shrug. They did put the food on the table, but there was no playing, warmth, or encouragement. Often there was nothing but discouragement. If you say you want to be a writer, they say you can never make a living. If you say you want to be a doctor, they say you can only be a nurse -- no disrespect to nurses intended. They do the obligatory stuff, but they aren't there for you in any other way. I have a feeling that parents like this are probably wrapped up in themselves and only doing what they are supposed to do. I don't know if they feel love, since they don't show it if they do. I think there are a lot of parents like this now, since their kids are out looking for love in all the wrong places. Kids do need to feel that someone loves them.

Also may be part of how they were raised. But that is not an excuse for us to accept their criticism and in effect bully us.True cannot change a person's behavior, especilaly in their elderly years. But a sib did calmly comment on an incident and Mom did state "I did not realize that". Mom does not have dementia so she can understandwhen we say I won't accept that certain behavior. Even with dad with dementia, we may say " Dad be nice." or "Talk, don't yell at me".

Heart2Heart that article was very informing. Again I am helped. I never knew or understood about narcissim. It is still so very hard to phanthom, but getting more and more info like your article and the gaslighting info from jessebell and this awesome very old post that put it in a nut shell; all these help me in ways I cannot express. I am still processing and it pains me to see my sister and mother together because its always them against me. I have stopped speaking to my sister because of personal betrayals outside of my mother. It is always my fault and like it has been written my mother has lied on me so much that my sister hates me and has now like my mother convinced her boys whom I raised to feel the same. They are falling out of it now but the pain of rejection and dedicating my every breath to keep us a family and happy. I have covered all the dirt and inabilities of my mother and sister lessened their burdens tried to make everything right and good. I have no one to do that for me. and now all my insuficiencies get thrown in my face or used to degrade me. There are times I can laugh and see it for what it is. Then there are times it hurts like hell. Its like I have known the truth and just did everything I could to make that fairytale family. And now I don't know what I did for blinders but I cant pull it off anymore and its painful. I get angry at the nerve to feel entitiled to do such ugliness in heart and spirit. Then I feel guilty for feeling good when I know I have naturally rattled them because someone gives me love or approval or I feel good and not thinking about them and only noticed because I feel or notice a pause. Is there every any recovery from years of this kind of treatment. Out side I feel guilty or accused if someone loses or misplace anything or if something happens and it has nothing to do with me and this is professionally. Then I can be a bomb like threat to someone who comes to me presenting me with that same treatment. I may see it and feel like ignore it there is no point which is not good with those people or I can just blow up which is not good . Its hard to see when you giving people power over you. I will just be glad if I can find the security to get away from it all. I mean I love my mother to death but as she gets older I am burnt out from cattering and being the mother to her child and covering her insuficiencies while she called me trifiliing and stupid so I didnt see through it all. Whats bad is she still does it and yes I call her out on it always did. It didnt matter then she had dementia its getting worse so its really like talking to a wall if I argue. So I gues its my destiny to be abused. It wouldnt be so bad if i could get some type of I am sorry or acknowledge me or even I love you. with my mother it would mean the world. I hate to say but with my sister I am done. I can never trust her or let her in again. I see who she is and it is a different level from my mother. I have a lot of bitterness from growing up having to do everything every chore she refused and then to do anything she felt like doing to me knowing she would get away and Id be fussed at when I get caught choking her. I see there was no growth in her at all and I think I would really hurt her if she goes there now. So everyday ugly seethes in my house. We cant even come together to care for my mother becuase she has sown us so far a part. A person like her is dangerous especially around fools. So the input and aspect I read here help me deal with my crazy.

Hi DD!... I'm so happy that this article hit home for you as it did for many of us. I (and so many) can mirror your situation and feelings... Finding out that there are more of 'us' in this same situation, helps us to not feel alone and know that we are ok, but that we live in disfunctional families and when there's narcissism involved it's no wonder it does such a 'number' on us. No one should ever put anyone through what we are and have been going through (many of us through our whole lifetime!)... It it torture and mean... Sadly, we have to mentally and physically move on with our lives realizing that we are all individuals and that we can't change people for who they are. I know... I know how heartbreaking it is... I'm going through this also... Breaks my heart, but for my sake, I'll keep connecting here and there trying to break this toxic pattern and know I did everything I did out of the goodness of my heart.... And, call it good.

You are so right. Thanks for the reminder and encouragement. It does feel better when I know that I have done and do out of goodness of my heart and for goodness. I use to say that to myself thats how bad it has gotten that I have forgotten that. Kinda puts me back on track. I am so glad to have found this site. I really look forward to getting on site. This is a good thing.

Dear DD, what you described is exactly what I am going through with my mother and sister. I was (and still am) in a vulnerable situation and they took advantage to bully me and make me feel less than nothing. My mother even said I could be homeless and my sister accused me of ruining Christmas when it was my mother not talking to me and threatening to throw me out. Finally I have moved on with my life and I consider them like anybody else but not family. You will never get an apology but the best revenge is being happy and thriving. That will drive them crazy. It is really sad but at least I can understand it better and realize that I'm not crazy.

I want to share a book I came across called 'Mean Mothers' by Peg Streep...

Maybe someone should write a book on sweet mothers with fangs. They're the kind that look sweet to everyone else, but put the fangs in place for one or more of their children. I think these type mothers are the most toxic.

If I hear one more time how "wonderful" mother is and have to stand there and smile while I am dying inside because I KNOW the truth about her, I really believe I will just burst into flames.Others just see a stooped over little old lady but I see the DRAGON.

I know I'm about 3 years late to this forum but here's my two cents.

The fact that you've identified the problem liberates you.

We can't help but be similar, in ways, to those who raised us. But, we don't have to cave to those unhealthy behaviors and we can recognize and apologize when/if we do.

I'm hoping that because of my narcissistic mom I'm actually a much more empathetic person than most. Here I am, second guessing myself and feeling that reality is nothing but a gray murky mush because of the way I was raised but I feel this whole awful experience has humbled me in a way that some may never experience.

I don't know if I'll be a good mom but if I ever get that chance I'm going to try my hardest to just listen and not pass too much judgment.

There is no absolute truth. We are all groping in the dark for a sense for warmth and acceptance. If I can make my (someday) children feel accepted for who they are, provide a consistent loving environment, spur they're imagination, encourage them when they're in doubt and keep them fed, I think that's the best I or anyone else can do.

kimmee, you have a very good chance of being a terrific, empathetic mom because of this experience. It makes you respect your kids as autonomous people, you listen more and you take every opportunity to give unconditional love. You will be proud of their achievements, not envious and competitive. In a word, you will "anti-mother".

Kimmee and Linda the good thing that comes from a narcissistic mother is that I am very loving and giving and give everyone the benefit of the doubt. What you suspect Kimmee is true. We want to give our children the best and better than we had. I would never inflict the pain that I have received from my mother and sister. I never backed down from them neither but its a painful fight to agrue with them. Its useless. You never get closure. there is no understanding or openness. No matter what the deed you are on trial for if you are innocent and they want you guilty then you are guilty. Period. I survived this thru my faith and trust in God. I had to turn somewhere as a young child. Its the best thing I did in my life besides my son.

So yes, we end up tainted. Very much so. But we learn the importance of unconditional love and respect. The true meaning of love.

I loved my son as best I knew. I always treated him with respect and made myself reachable to him. I was not the perfect mother as I had these issues before he was born and I did not figure it out untill my forties. Or see or accept it for what it was. I still can't fanthom what goes on in their heads with me. Its like a jealous evil demon is in them. I wasted a lot of love and trust and hope and energy and life on them. Had I known better I would have put it all in my own home for myself and myson.

So many good intentions get turned into something monstrous and ugly. It still does. Even my mother in her old age cannot help herself. Its demonic in nature. I still get amazed. Regularly. So thank goodness I happened on this site and got insight and understanding.

I am still needy. I get very bitter when I look at my life and when I see my mother in her mode posturing and manipulating I want to cry for the little girl who was me. What ever mechanism I used to cope then is falling apart for me. Part was religion but I cant turn the other cheek anymore and I think its so unfair that people can just carry on with this bad thinking. Taking the ball and running just running with it because they think they have something or need to have something against you.

But one good thing is that I was bless with a beautiful son. Yes I raised him looking like I was alright. And of course he was around people who didt care about me. And he had a lot of pain because in trying to hurt me they tried to turn him against me. so those natural fights were made into again some monstrous ugly thing. I stood my ground. Not knowing then what was happening. But my son loved me because that's what he got from me. He turned out to be continuous blessing to me in the mist of all my storms and pain. He is a good father and good husband. Guess what though, I see him in same role i saw my father. He does every thing. Its like he holds the family down they have everything and he comes home and cook and clean.. I wont voice the other and I think that has gotten a little better. Or it seems so.But I just wonder if good people in heart attract narccistic people. Oh of course. Is it a curse? Am I babbling!!

Hello all,
These answers are all so understanding of ourselves and though we all wonder whether we have that special quality........I truly believe that we have it.
ICan we, bruised, battered ripped torn and suffering...damaged in some cases. Are WE good mothers.
And yes we can. I truly truly believe that as long as we do it, one day and accept that we are not perfect , thats all that matters..........
I so loved reading these messages....DDDuck, you aren't babbling keep on writing.I love how you think. Remember what Kimmee writes:
"The fact that you've identified the problem liberates you."

So clever. I believe that too.

Annie, being able to express my pain and confusion really grounds me. In ways I do feel liberated. I get help and encouragement reading and chewing on the insight here. It also feels good to vent. Since finding this site I have decreased the amount of crying and complaining to one or two friends. Partly knowing it can be overwhelming but also because its a weakness and it seems on natural that people use it when they can. I was told at a young age to never show your weakness. I also find that I either dont speak up for myself or I go to the opposite extreme. I am tired of finding myself in the company of people whom I have to calm my spirit on basic stuff. So thanks to you all for being there and hearing me. Im with you all also.

I don't think that these mothers fool everyone. I know that some of my friends and a cousin of mine saw through my mother's "sweetness" and could see how hard she was on me. But, she does fool a lot of people. I used to imitate her harsh behavior at times because I was used to it, but I have also always rooted for the underdog and am very sensitive to detecting abuse of children or animals because I know how helpless they are.
I had tried for years to figure out what beyond the general dysfunction of my family was making my life difficult and was thankful for the day (after decades of seeking the answer) when I realized the my mother and my sister were both self-centered, toxic, people who put on a great "sweet act" that quickly fell apart when you looked beneath the surface.