Daughters of narcissistic mothers. What are the effects?

I'm reading a book called 'Mean Mothers'. You may want to get it... (I loaned mine from the library)

It's a cyclical thing, but I have broken the cycle! I realized my Mom was not normal when I was five. She ranted at me for the better part of an hour because I didn't tuck in the corners of the sheets while making my bed. As I stood there, I realized she was not normal, and that she wasn't like other parents!  I distanced myself from her, and basically raised myself. I have a healthy relationship with my husband, and after my Mother's death, I had to deal with HIS narcicistic Mom! She, too, recently passed away at 94, and my life is now vastly improving.  Even though I didn't marry a narcicist, the relatives have been woven in and out of my life from time to time! 

Dear Bryce,
Obviously your mother has done dispicable things to you for you to be where you are right now. I would hope that you have gone to see a counselor who can help put things in perspective. I did, although I haven't suffered to your extent.

Draw deep from within yourself and find the kid that was hurt. Who is that person? Draw that person out and let them unlock the chains that they were bound with. Your mother has no hold on you now. It is your mind holding you back. You're free to be as you would be without all the trauma. Make a list of positive things about you. Post it in a common place and look at it daily.

Death is not a relief, instead embrace the person you were meant to be and explore how YOU will control your life. It's yours and no one can take it away from you.

You do not belong to her as in property and what she thinks or says or does is of no consequence to you anymore. Don't let her win, fight to regain who YOU are.
God's blessings to you.

You don't remember most of your personal life. A few detail are all you have because you spend each day just trying to survive. Your hair, your eyebrows, your teeth, your elbows, your clothes and every word that comes out of your mouth is an issue. You grow up obsessing over your hair, you own enough clothes to fill a dresser and don't speak too much because your unsure of your words. You look in the mirror and see a cow.

You search for love. It become an obsession. You think you know what love is only to find out you don't - thus paying a horrible price that will follow you throughout your entire life. You never hear your mother say " I love you". As you age, you realize it doesn't matter.

You don't have friends. Your lack of self-esteem, people skills and ability to be a person does not allow for that. You have no identity so you have nothing to work with. What you do have becomes a target, so you live in secret from others.

Your relatives do not like you. They treat you like crap, saying hurtful things when no one is around. You are left standing there wondering what you did to deserve it. Visits are very lonely as you find a place to hide so you have a moment of peace.

As an adult, someone who has just recently learned how to categorize the abuse, I can tell anyone who reads this you don't forgive. When the beast rears her ugly head, you re-live everything. It consumes you, taking days to get back to your normal.

You hate your mother and think about how you will feel when she is gone. You realize you have no feelings.

Mynameisbryce, that is so sad. I'm so sorry to read your comment and know these are things you must be feeling. Stick around here and share some more about your specific situation, if you want to, and others can offer support and understanding. Many of us come from all kinds of dysfunctional families and backgrounds, and others here know what you're going through.

You are depressed. You never stop thinking about certain things that your mother has done to you. You have no feelings. Your numb. You cry a lot. You want to talk about it but have worn that out, too. Your world is really small. Your a people pleaser which doesn't work. You apologize for everything. And, you know it will only end when you die which cannot come soon enough.

You are aware that you do not have one good memory of your mother. All positive memories occurred while in the company of your friends or alone. Never having been hugged or told that you were loved when you spent your childhood cleaning the house and being a friendly positive person meant nothing, there was always a manufactured reason to criticize your looks, weight or personality which makes you feel worthless. I grew up with very low self esteem that I carried into my twenties and thirties. I remember telling a boyfriend that I wished men would not turn around and look at me as I walked by, that I felt I was being watched because I was unattractive, Ron told me that I was unusually good looking, actually beautiful, I began to look in the mirror and not see imagined defects. The insecure woman has to prove her worth to herself and keep proving it or she feels unnecessary.

IASGC123456,
Since narcissistic mothers are also "controlling" mothers, their children (even as adults) are used to being told what to do, how to do it, when to do it, etc.
I could see how an adult child might feel panicky when mother dies because they've been told what to do since birth and have never functioned without mothers' input. Mom can even haunt them from the grave by the guilt they have instilled in their children over their lifetime.

I am not in this category. I resented and resisted her advances to control my life.

Right now my mother is 94 and a half years old and in Stage 6 Alzheimers. She's "lost" her narcissism and is just a shell of the woman she was. I have been waiting all my life for her to act differently but she now has no mind to be "normal."
I feel sad for her situation and am hoping that she will be spared stage 7, where she will basically be a vegetable. I pray that the Good Lord takes her soon. She has (perceived) "headaches", (probably caused by noises/voices in her head caused by Alz damage) that aren't helped by any medication or treatment. She just wants to die.

I hope I don't live so long.
Like the saying goes, " I want to skid into Heaven with a box of chocolates in one hand and a glass of Cabernet in the other saying, "Woo Hoo, what a ride!"

My MIL is in end stage stage renal failure as well and is on dialysis 3x/week. She also has dementia which she denies. Just another toxic mix on top of the NPD.

Before we even knew her kidneys were completely failing and her behavior was getting worse, she called a bizarre family meeting. She wanted to tell us she had no pre-arranged funeral plans but that we were to pay for her to be buried at a particular expensive cemetery.

I suggested our local VA cemetery as my FIL is retired military and they meet the guidelines for less expensive burial etc. She said NO! You are going to bury me where I want to be buried.

Finally, one thing she can't control, though a family friend said she's so stubborn, she'll probably try to get out of her own casket at the funeral.

The family seems to be freaked out by funerals and they were never the type to attend them. The adult children all act like they aren't going to be able to cope when she passes, though I've read the children of Narcissistic mothers often just feel relieved.

I have been talking to my husband about possibly donating her body to science and encouraging him about it being a noble cause. There is no cost to the family where we live, a joint service with other families is held at a later time, and the burial takes place in the university hospital cemetery, all at no cost. I'm thinking maybe it will make the adult children feel more like she's just away for awhile, and give them time to process everything without having to deal with immediate services etc. 

I'd like to hear what those of you plan on doing funeral wise, that feel like it will be easier on you at that time. 

Do any of you feel that because of your mother's NPD, it makes you feel extra panicky about them passing, like you may lose control etc?

My mother is borderline narcissistic. Yesterday I showed up to take her to her dentist appt. and was told I was wrong. The appt. is for today. "See, YOU forget things, too!" she sniped at me. I insisted she'd told me Tuesday was the appt. (which she had). She finally had to back down. (And I've learned my lesson; I'm getting an appt. card, too, next time.) But then she had to snipe, "It's not as if you're not well-compensated!" She continues to think that giving me her 15-year-old car in exchange for my being her taxi service is somehow unfair. Say what?! She's probably still annoyed that I limit her shopping trips to 1x/week.

I told her I'd more since "earned" that car, and she got nasty again, remembering that I'd told her what an outside caregiver would have charged for the time she became helpless for 8 days when she strained her neck and back somehow and she required someone with her all the time. She then sniped that she wasn't going to tell my brothers the way I'd "demanded" money for that time (I did no such thing; but I did tell her what it would have cost for an outsider to come in). I was trying to get her to appreciate me. I know that's a useless endeavor. I really don't like spending time with her. She needs help at home (she lives by herself in a condo), but refuses to consider it. 

I've been told my time is worthless, that I don't do much for her at all, etc. And today is the dentist appointment, and then a trip to Kroger. I expect all of this will take 3-4 hours...

I see this is an old thread, but I'm finding so much peace in reading responses.

I'm dealing with my 82 year old MIL, who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and is on dialysis.

I have two SIL's and they are both incredibly messed up from their mother.

The older of the two sisters in law, "Brig" is 60 years old, and lives with and off of my MIL and FIL. She was groomed to come back home because my MIL hates my father in law. She needed someone to be in the home with her that she could get to side with her. This sister in law is like a zombie or cult member. All she does is walk around in a satin mumu, sit on Facebook, and goes to the fridge to get yet another snack. She has been trying to get disability for years because she says she is depressed and can't cope with people, can't work, and has anxiety driving a car. My MIL told her as long as she stays with them, they'll pay all her bills and she doesn't have to lift a finger. Yet, there is a huge price. She is controlled by mommy dearest.

My other sister in law, "Pat", age 55, has a very different personality from the elder one. She is the "pretty" and "smart" one on the surface, but just as messed up. She handled things in life differently though, by running away from home at 15. She has had six failed marriages and purposely lives out of state, only returning once or twice a year for a weekend visit. She works a full time job and was the only one to have children.

I believe they know full well they are messed up from their mother. Yet, these two are angry with my husband and I for talking about my MIL having dementia and needing help. They are in denial how bad off she is, especially it being compounded by renal failure and dialysis three times a week. They think it is mean to get her medical help. Total avoidance, almost as if they have Stokholm Syndrome, and are trying to protect their captor.

"Brig" has no plans to move out the mothers house, and has no way to support herself. In the unlikely event she is able to convince a judge she is disabled, the social security payments still won't be enough for her to live independently. 

My 82 year old FIL is still in the home as well. He too has what seems to be undiagnosed dementia. He hasn't been to a dr. in 30 years by choice, so there are no medical records or physicians. I suspect he will further go down hill if MIL passes. He doesn't cook, bathe, change clothes, eats jar after jar of peanut butter, drinks Dr. Pepper, sits up all night online and sleeps all day, much like the zombie daughter. 

My husband is full of anger and resentment towards his mother. She overfed him as a child, trying to keep him from ever leaving home or getting married. Once we got married, she has and is doing everything she can to destroy our marriage and get him to come home to her. He too gets the same offers as his sister, to just move back home and all his bills will be paid for. Everyone will be fine as long as she is in control of people's lives, finances, etc etc.....it never ends. 

So glad you guys are here and understand my situation. It's not comfortable turning my back on my mother - but I can't take being around a negative person who tears me down constantly. I hope her doctor contacts me soon so that he can be aware of the situation. She's all sweet and humorous when he comes around...

Amen

In her older years, my mother got attention from her (perceived) physical problems. I told her I'd rather give her positive attention than negative attention (from her "sicknesses"). It didn't matter, ANY attention is better than none to a narcissist.

In her younger years, she was always the princess and wanted the attention of men. Also wanted the best of everything. She couldn't stand other women because they were competition. She didn't much care for me either, (daughter takes away attention from mother). I never got any praise growing up, just negative comments about my weight, hair, grades, friends, etc. I felt I was in the way and a burden. We didn't share any special times and mainly spoke to each other when necessary. I learned not to like her. I tried to ignore her as an adult.

Now she needs me (stage 6 Alzheimers). I had to put her into a memory care facility. She sure as heck wasn't coming to live with my husband and me! I have to keep working anyway. She has everything she needs and would want. I visit once a week. I've completed (what I perceive) is my responsibility.

Narcissistic mothers deserve exactly what they dolled out. What I don't get is, how did all of these daughters (us) of narcissistic (and just plain mean) mothers turn out to be sweet, responsible caregivers?

There's nothing saying that your mother has to love you. But common courtesy dictates that she should treat you with a minimum of respect. If your mother did you wrong, all you owe her is to see that she has a roof over her head, food to eat and a minimum of health care. You don't need to buy into the guilt, put up with the bad-mouthing or physically work yourself to death for someone who didn't really give a **** about you.

Read books on setting boundaries. You need to stop the disrespect you are ALLOWING her to dish your way. You don't know it but YOU are in control of her behavior towards you. By refusing to accept it, you are the captain of the relationship. You'll like how it feels.

You wouldn't put up with ANYONE ELSE treating you like this, why do you put up with it from your own mother? Demand a minimum of respect or turn and walk away (even if you live there, go to your room). She keeps dishing it out because you keep taking it. You no longer are a child. Even though you will always be her child, you are an adult and have a RIGHT to be treated with respect.

Sue, I am glad you can get away from her. I live with my mother, so I have to escape to my room. My mother isn't openly narcissistic. It is all covert. She seems like such a sweet, passive woman to anyone who isn't around her much.

My mother was the same way about not taking responsibility. The poor family relations was my father's fault (half true). My brother's cruelty was something she said she never saw even when it happened daily in front of her. Her loveless marriage was the best marriage ever. Her dysfunctional family of origin was perfect. All of her illnesses are genetic. She never got over 200 lbs -- she weighed 250 when she was diagnosed with diabetes. She has a "not my fault" explanation for everything, because it would bother her too much not to have bluebirds and butterflies fluttering around her. As for her daughter, she is loaded with so many faults. And I am, but she ought to be glad I'm a good person.

How I handle it is actually kind of sad. I don't really see her as my mother, but just a person I'm taking care of. I guess it is because she has never really been a mother except for putting dinner on the table each night. I still find myself getting angry at the circumstance and angry at my "family." I'm also angry at the crazy guy next door that killed the big burning bush in our yard by "trimming it." I do okay during the day, but that anger hits me when I lie down to go to sleep.

Sometimes people on here say things like we owe our parents for changing our diapers, etc., or that we should be good because we're going to miss them when they're gone. It makes me realize that one size doesn't fit all when it comes to how we should feel.

JessieBelle, It's unbelievable isn't it? The reaction of someone who you think cares deeply for you (her children)...and it comes out as so uncaring and selfish. I hope your brother recovered from his heart issues - whatever they may be - I had a bout of v-tach one day in the grocery store and thought I was going to pass out. This had happened to me several times and finally I saw a Cardiologist who said I needed treatment - for this serious condition - either medication or an ablation - potentially life threatening clot....wow...I had no idea. Anytime I'd get the least bit stressed (mom was often in the picture) this weird thing would start with my heart - fast forward; had the ablation and cardiac cath - I'm fine now - but my mother refuses to believe that I have heart issues too - and need to take care of myself.

And yes, to answer your question; I had Stage 1 renal cell carcinoma - which was removed along with my kidney surgically. It took a while to recover - and most especially get into my head that my health was up to ME! That was 12 years ago and I realized after that scare that I was going to have to lose a lot of weight ( about 75 pounds) and exercise in order to avoid future health problems. Something my mother never accepted responsibility for

After reading the posts on this 'daughters....' category it brings back many unpleasant and unexplained memories...thank goodness there's finally an explanation for her irrational behavior all these years. She's always played the blame game - for her entire life - when she was 16 she quit school to marry my father - his fault; she got pregnant x 2 - his fault; raised two children alone - his fault; could have been a successful model because she was beautiful when she was young - but was denied that opportunity by her brothers/mother. As life went on her health was always terrible; she'd lay in bed complaining about her tiredness, gained a lot of weight, and finally found out that she had an under-active thyroid; was treated with medication - but it was their fault (the doctors, for not finding this issue sooner). My sister has mental retardation and schizophrenia - that's my father's side of the families fault - as they had mental issues - on that side (she forgets all about the dysfunction on her side) One of her brothers molested me as a child; she blames him...what a mess we had as a family; husband #2 came along and moved her and us kids away to another state - best thing that ever happened as far as I was concerned - to get away from that sick family. She grieved after her mother for years - finally my grandmother passed away from a heart attack and my mother was inconsolable - grieving for years! She always ran to her mother and about wore the old lady out with her constant complaining and unresolvable issues. She could never make a decision on her own - going back and forth many times with her mom to try to 'figure it out'.

After that she blamed my step-father for everything that was wrong in her life - her weight was over 300 pounds - and she blamed that on 'taking care of two crazy people' - she needed to have a knee replacement, and other surgical interventions but was 'too busy taking care of them to take care of herself'. Now she needs surgery but the doctors won't take her - as she's too high of a risk - 87 with congestive heart failure - not good outcome for someone in her condition to have elective surgery (knee replacement and a bladder suspension.

All her life...it's always been blaming others - never accepting responsibility for herself. I made a mistake moving her to my home state - at great expense, time, effort I figured that I needed to move her near by so I could help look after her. As usual everything goes fine for a short while - and then it starts - the blame, the attitude, the neediness - there's never enough time for her needs. Not enough phone calls, not enough visits; and it's a constant barrage - I need to go to the dentist for my tooth - I need to go to the salon, I need to go to the stores (although she can't walk and can only go in stores with electric carts to ride around on)...she wants to go and do - but when I take her she constantly talks about other people; about me and my husband; about everyone and everything - and always in a negative tone - this one is crazy, that one is a liar; what is your husband doing today? Are you sure? Where is he? What's he up to? He may be running around on you...OMG...Life is sure a sh*tter...so I need to jump into the pity-party pool and become as miserable as she is...

Talk about someone who drags you down...usually in my life I've opted to avoid people who are negative and want everyone around them to be negative too. I'd rather be with people who are happy and well behaved...opting instead to have a positive outlook and feel that although we may have hit a rough patch in life, things will get better - we can make them better!

Right now my mother and I aren't speaking -she became enraged at me on Wednesday at the grocery store - acting out - and screamed at me all the way home...told me not to come back...so ok, I won't. Suits me...until the next time. My life for the past two days has been peaceful and quiet (although I've been thinking about her, worried about her) I'm not going to call her...hopefully she can get some help.

I did reach out to her doctor and when he gets back to me I will pass along her latest display and my concerns and hand it over to him to find a solution for her. Since I'm unable to do so (after many attempts to get help for her).

Sue. this reminds me of when my brother was in the hospital after having what they thought was a heart attack. My mother told him he'd better get well fast so he could take her to the grocery store. This was before even before the dementia set in. With that one sentence she did a lot of damage to her relationship with her son. When my brother told me about it that evening, it didn't surprise me at all.

Did you finish treatment for the kidney cancer, Sue? Or is it something that you're still facing. If you are, I hope you can take the time for yourself. Let us know how you are.

SueGeo, not at all unbelievable. Thinking of herself first, last, and only is part of her mental illness. Definitely sad!

I too am hurt by my mother's abusive, selfish behavior - I had to share. My childhood was rough and I left at 18 to get away from that house hold. Even as an adult I felt that she was ‘first’ and my feelings and life were unimportant. When I was diagnosed with kidney cancer and told her – she said ‘what will I do’…??? What will she do? I’m facing a diagnosis of cancer – potential surgery and she asked me what she should do? I was so stunned I didn’t know what to say…except I’ll be alright…I was hoping I’d be alright, but I’d just been diagnosed and no one knew exactly the extent of my cancer – I was terrified! Unbelievable that the first thing out of her mouth is about her…not me or my unfortunate diagnosis…sad.

toomany, it can be both - because she's older and amplified version of existing behavior. I have a similar situation with my mom. I roll with normal issues of aging, like memory and sensory loss. I don't let the old behaviors get very far, whether it be attempts to guilt or nastiness. Regardless of why she's doing this, you can't let it take a toll on your health and relationships. I think of guilt tripping as a conscious effort to make a person feel bad, in order to manipulate them to do something that the parent wants but may not be in the child's best interest. In other words, I think of it as emotional abuse. Once I realize this, it was far easier to not let it get to me. Believe it or not, after you start setting boundaries and refusing to go along with the guilt trip, you find your feelings don't get hurt as much and you are able to take baby steps toward being a functional adult with her. Hang in there.

Golden23..........Oh my goodness, you are so right about the instilling of guilt as a child and adulthood....its overwhelming............thank you so much for your input...you are so right.

Heart2Heart, thank you. I go on these crazy roller coasters emotionally, one day I am so hurt and angry then the next day I feel sad and guilty, it never ends. The hardest part is not knowing if she is behaving like this because she is older or just an amplified version of the way she has always been. She is now deficient in so many areas of her life, yet she WILL NOT let me help because she wants to keep control. I understand that, but she is so self destructive in so many ways. My hands are tied, there is nothing I can do. Thank you all for listening, it does help to just vent from time to time.

corrections - nit real guilt = not real guilt
You are doing to feel guilty about = You are doing nothing to feel guilty about
sorry about that - having a challenging day

toomany - the guilt button is something she planted on you years ago so she can manipulate you to do what she wants. It is nit real guilt but comes from her criticism of you and is called false guilt and -comes from you not meeting her unrealistic expectations. You are doing to feel guilty about. You can read online about narcissistic mothers and also how to get your life back. It isn't easy but it does work.

heart is right about distancing and detaching and that you cannot make her happy or satisfy her "wants " for any length of time. What she is really after is attention and will do anything to get it and make herself the center of your existence. You have to resist that and build your own life.

Toomanymemories... You have to distance yourself (physically, and mentally!)... It's the only way... (I know how this goes... I've been in this situation for over a decade)... When you back away, they come running back... Do count your Blessings that she's not living with you!.. Force yourself to get out to do your own things... I know how this all plays on your feelings and 'self-worth' coming from a parent... It hurts terribly!.. Keep updating us to as it's going!... (you can't make people happy... only they can make themselves happy... Don't let her destroy you... She doesn't even know... or, care what your caregiving and sacrifice is doing to you).

I don't know how to back away, I try but then I feel guilty. She says she is sorry but then it continues. Unbelievable number of nasty hateful voicemails, pitiful behavior to get her way, "selective memory".....her behavior controls by life, feelings, motivation, it never ends..................She literally thinks of no one but herself.....but she has always been this way. She has lived next door to me for two years this month. My entire outlook on life has changed, I have become a recluse, yet I can't enjoy being home, my physical activity, my hygiene, my care of my home, has all deteriorated, and my depression has deepened to a dangerous level, I could go on........but what I don't know is how to stop it..........

I don't know how to back away, I try but then I feel guilty. She says she is sorry but then it continues. Unbelievable number of nasty hateful voicemails, pitiful behavior to get her way, "selective memory".....her behavior controls by life, feelings, motivation, it never ends..................She literally thinks of no one but herself.....but she has always been this way. She has lived next door to me for two years this month. My entire outlook on life has changed, I have become a recluse, I can't enjoy being home, my physical activity, my hygiene, my care of my home, has all deteriorated, and my depression has deepened to a dangerous level, I could go on........but what I don't know is how to stop it..........

It took me a long time also to finally realize this SB. It's amazing how oblivious narcissistic people are to their 'affliction', and how much it hurts and distroys relationships. There's no use in trying to talk to them, because they're in another planet. It's definitely a no-win situation. So sad.

My mother has this too. It took me so many years to figure it out. Three years ago I went NC because of my father's death. I had always known he was basically her slave because his low self esteem didn't allow him to see that he deserved better treatment. After his death she looked for a new slave and saw potential in me. She wanted all of me. If I arranged rides for her she would say she only wanted family to put her in the front seat and drop her off at the door. It was only after she told me that my father knew I didn't love him when he died (I had a very loving relationship with him) and accused my husband of theft when he would help her with her finances that my eyes were opened by my therapist and all the things that are mentioned above came flooding back to me. It was a shock to concretely realize that I was an abused child. I don't see her any more. I feel a great deal of guilt but if I were to be her slave like dad was, I would keep her from seeking the caregiving help she needs because her new slave would take care of everything and I would lose myself.

So powerful midwest!!
Your story will be stuck in my head all day! And others too...I love this site and learn so much from you all!
Thank you for sharing your hearts! 💜