Daughters of narcissistic mothers. What are the effects?

Danigirl1974, your situation sounds very much like mine. I have a NM and sister just like her. They enjoy tearing me down and gossiping about me to others. When I finally became strong and seriously cut them out of my life, they unleashed their wrath on me. I still have the evil emails they sent calling me names and blaming me for everything bad in their life. I went for 3 solid years without contact. It felt so good, even though I heard from others that they were saying terrible things about me. My NM mother stalked me online. She would go to a restaurant near where I worked to find co-workers of mine to say terrible things to them about me. It was embarrassing more than anything. Anyone who knew me, knew her tales weren't true. She would call my husband at the time and tell him I was cheating on him. He was a jealous guy, so this brought out the worst in him. He became more abusive over it and I had no idea what the NM had done until she accidently spilled it in one of her emails. The husband had cheated on me 3 times the month before our wedding. I cut him out too along with them. I refuse to be with anyone who only thinks the worst of me. I am a good and happy person. It was the most difficult time of my life, but I'm stronger because of it. I struggled, worked hard, and prayed. God did his thing and now I'm in the best relationship of my life. I have a real mother now! My MIL is the mother I never had. I'm still living with the aftermath of my life with the NM. I have trouble coping with certain things and I am too hard on myself many times. I guess the important thing is to move forward and don't allow the NM to take any more enjoyment from our life. I'm still working on that. She has crept back into life since my father is deteriorating. They have been divorced for many years, but she still controls him now. I'm looking forward to the day I can cut her out again...for good!

I've found myself mourning a relationship that I'll never get to experience. My NM hasn't yet died, but I suspect that her actual passing will bring more of a relief, than anything. I've already spent time grieving my loss. I'm just ready for her reign of terror to be finally over. I guess that might sound cold to someone who's never experienced this abuse firsthand, but that's my reality. There is honestly NOTHING about this toxic person, that I was unfortunate enough to be born to (just another huge cosmic joke that is my life), that I'm realistically going to miss. She's NEVER been capable, or willing, to provide me with what I've needed emotionally. She's more draining, than anything. What is there to miss?? I feel ever so slightly guilty admitting it, but I am now able to stop myself, and determine that SHE ALONE is responsible for her behavior. If she wanted to be liked, or spoken positively about, she would have behaved differently. She no longer has the power to manipulate me into silence, or making excuses for her. That in itself is HUGE! I've got sooo much work yet to do, but I'm definitely heading in the right direction finally. It saddens me to think about all the wasted, hurtful years it took me...but I think I'll be ok.

Btw, I have cut off ALL contact with my dysfunctional family. We just aren't capable of being even REMOTELY friendly towards eachother, and me being the ONLY one to recognize this, decided it was the best and healthiest decision for me and my children. So, needless to say, the smear campaign has begun. I'm trying VERY hard not to pay any attention, but it's really difficult to not try to defend yourself when your own family is saying truly EVIL and hateful things about you. I want so badly to tell them all how SICK they are, but I know that ultimately only reinforces what they are saying. And you've got it, I'm the unstable one...yet, I'm the only one actively seeking therapy. Again...weird, right?

My gosh, I'm suddenly feeling so validated! I wish I had stumbled across this so many years ago, maybe I wouldn't have believed myself to be thoroughly crazy! Although I believe my mother is a narcissist to her core, she's never been evaluated for mental health purposes, nor will she ever. She'd just asoon die first! After all, I'm the one with a problem...in fact, ALL three of her daughters are mentally ill. Weird, right? I'd think it was strange too, had I not experienced the trauma going on in that house. Let's start with the fact that all three children were being sexually abused, from a VERY early age, by the father. I told my mother what was happening to me at the age of TWO. She asked him and he ADMITTED it, but said that he was only testing me to make sure I knew what to do if I was ever being ACTUALLY molested. Ok, granted my mother was only 20 years old, and she'd never experienced any kind of physical or sexual abuse in her life, so she MIGHT have maybe bought this crap...but really? You'd think her mothering instinct might kick in and she'd feel at least a little compelled to protect her infant? Nope. She stayed with him and never again brought it up, even had two more kids (both daughters...yay). He eventually started battering her, in front of us kids...and yet she stayed. I told myself it was because she was scared. I was CONSTANTLY making excuses for her behavior. It was only after it was discovered, by their circle of friends, that he was having an affair with our 15-year-old babysitter, and she could no longer "save face" that she filed for divorce. I was nearly 8 at that time. She started dating the guy that would eventually become my step dad when I was about 9. During one of our many sleepovers, at his house, the adults stayed up drinking (it was pretty common). They tended to get loud, and the room we were all crammed into was right off the kitchen, where they all usually sat to chain smoke. It was during one of these times that I overheard my mother retelling the story of how I had told her, when I was just TWO, that my father was molesting me. Mind you, at this time I believed it was a secret that I had never divulged to her. And here she was telling my secret to a bunch of drunks, like it was some kind of parlor joke! I was humiliated, ashamed, and most of all deeply betrayed. My mother KNEW what I was enduring, and did NOTHING. I had consciously, even at that young age, tried to do whatever I could to protect my sisters...yet our mother didn't care. I felt like the situation was totally hopeless, and I had nowhere to turn for help. I mean, if your own mother can't find it in her to protect you, then who's going to? All the classic signs of molestation were there. Bedwetting, depression, insomnia, I even had unexplainable internal injuries, and STDs...all treated by a doctor, and no one did anything. On top of dealing with this, my mother treated me as if she LOATHED me. She was verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive. She would constantly scream and threaten with physical harm, or often just carry it out. We weren't allowed our own opinions. If she said the sky was purple, then asked us what color is the sky? Our answer best be purple. And she took a sick pleasure in demonstrating this obedience. She paraded us around like little soldiers. She'd make comments such as "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out of it" or "If you think you want to call someone on me, you best also call an ambulance, because you'll be leaving in that". She'd also make sure we knew "If it wasn't for you kids, I'd have a good life!" Once I was left home to watch my sisters, while she went out drinking I always assumed, and I had the BRILLIANT idea that I was going to take the belt she always beat us with, and bury it in the backyard where she'd never be able to find it. She came home in a rage, and unable to find her belt, reached for the metal BBQ spatula. Trust me, I never touched her things again. When I became a teen, she became fond of smacking me in the face with my braces. I always came up bleeding. Never ONCE did I ever raise my hand to my mother. Clearly, I was the scapegoat. My middle sister is the Golden Child. And my youngest is the Lost Child. I could never do anything worthy of praise. My middle sister could never do anything wrong. And the youngest, no one even CARED what she was doing. As adults, I'm the doormat/people pleaser, the middle is the narcissistic drug abuser, and the youngest can't decide if she's gay or not, and just goes back and forth to whoever shows her the most sick expressions of "love and devotion"....and we're all doing our part to perpetuate the cycle, without even being aware that there was one. To our benefit, none of us are sexual abusers. Go us! But because of my mother's continuing abuse, we're unable to maintain any kind of functional relationship, anywhere. I literally stumbled across NPD by accident...I think I was looking for a meme to post on FB that came close to how I would verbalize my relationship, or lack there of, with my mother. I've told people that I literally cannot remember the last time my mother hugged me, and if she ever did, it would feel so akward and alien to me, that I wasn't sure what I would do. I tell them that YEARS ago, my mother and I were having a phone conversation, and it was coming to an end...I had something pressing to take care of, so had to go. She said "Ok, I love you." And I seriously stopped cold, and said "Are you ok? You're not dying of cancer, or anything, right?" Because it was seriously THAT weird to hear those words from her coming my direction. She said "No, why?" And what could I say? So I just "Ok, nevermind. Bye." And people hear these things and they either think I'm nuts, exaggerating, or they don't see the full significance. It's very frustrating, especially when you can't quite put your finger on it yourself. I've even explained this to MULTIPLE therapists, and not a SINGLE one of them ever mentioned NPD! I've often heard what a "vivid imagination" I have, or that nothing occurred as I recall it. And when asked why she can't ever just apologize to me, I get "You're an adult now. Get over it!" I've explained that I had to have corrective surgeries to repair internal trauma done by having my small body forced upon by an adult man. That's really not something you just move past. To this day, my mother and I have not had a SINGLE conversation about the abuse that I endured until I was 15. And she refuses to aknowledge any wrong doing. She WILL NEVER apologize. After smoking and heavy drinking for over 20 years, she had a heart attack a few years back. Since then, she's also developed diabetes, which she has made NO dietary changes in any attempt to control. And she blames us kids for all of her health concerns...stress, she says. Ok, but heavy drinking, chain smoking, and a terrible diet haven't contributed AT ALL. Just more guilt she piles on, in her attempt to control, manipulate, and terrorize. Thank you so much for my breakthrough! I can't thank you enough, truly. You've quite possibly saved my life.

BJLovats - bless you.

One thing that never changes with narcissists is the way they are. They are simply incapable of change and "being reformed" regardless of what happens. Regardless of what you try to do to make things better between you. It's just going to be the way it is and you get to pick how involved or enmeshed in that poison you're going to be.

Dad died 29 years ago. My mother made my dad's death about her for as long as possible, as the poor grieving widow people would fawn all over and do things for. I wasn't allowed to grieve even though dad & I had been so close. Thick as thieves and I know she resented it. I couldn't talk about memories, or the past with dad if she was around. She didn't like it if anybody who came to visit talked to me at all. I started to feel very much like Cinderella.

Instead of having a normal grief period due any teenage kid, I had to take care of things, pay the bills and do chores if I wasn't at school or my job. His death only happened to her. My uncles didn't lose a brother and I didn't lose a father. There were no comforting gestures or reassuring words from her, that's for sure.
Looking for comfort from a narcissist is like asking a stone for water.

She hid away his belongings from me so I couldn't have them. She gave away his things to other people and never mentioned it to me. For a long time, all I had of my dad was a hat and two shirts. When I cleaned out mom's house, I found some things that I thought were gone. They went back to my house in my car, not on the moving truck!

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries are critical. You are doing the RIGHT THING by having boundaries. Expect some theatrics on her part though.
It doesn't mean you are doing the wrong thing.

Oh gosh, I'm so sorry you are forced to live in the same home with your narcissitic mother. My ex husband was never good enough for me, as well. Yet when he left, she never gave me emotional support. Your mother has focused on mad mouthing your husband, otherwise, she'll find something else to criticize you for, if she hasn't already. Her remarks, "how could you do this to her?" It's all about them, their feelings, if any. No forgiveness or compassion & their inability to love, unconditional is not in our mother's vocabulary. They enjoy criticizing us daughters, placing guilt on her, demeaning us...it feeds their narcissism. I am working on healing. I've read the book "Will I ever be good enough, healing the daughter's of narcissistic mothers." It's opened my eyes but I have a ways to go for full healing. Please see my recent posting begins "I lost my Father from a lengthy illness". I wish you the best & hope you are able to make changes to your current living situation for it is not good for you or your health! BJLovats

I lost my Father from a lengthy illness. I have been so grief stricken & it has been most difficult dealing with his absence! I miss my Dad immensely & I was so very close to him. My narcissistic mother is still as bad as ever. I thought once Dad was gone we could get along better because she wouldn't feel threatened by me and my closed relationship with my Dad. I was wrong. She has continued to stir trouble between us kids, mainly manipulating them against me. Her controlling ways, sabotaging family get togethers, constantly bad mouthing me. I'm working on healing but it's been tough. Lately, I've distanced myself from her. Seeing her at my grandson's games & festivities has been uncomfortable for I act as if she's not there.....very sad:(

Effects? Sitting here at eleven at night, knowing she's on another tear, thinking about the irony that the person who gave you physical life is now the person who is draining the emotional life out of you.

I have to live with my Narsistic mother for financial reasons while my husband works overseas. She never liked my husband and resented that he took me far away from her. Now that I am living with her she is constantly bad mouthing him and telling me to leave him. I think in her delusional way she thinks that if I leave him I can be her full time caretaker. The other day I broke down because stress and cried. It was because of financial difficulties we were having but right away she blamed it on "that man" as she calls him. She said she could not handle all these emotions in her "last years". And how can I do this to her. As a result I felt guilty. I don't know what got into me but I gave her a hug and said I loved her. She pushed me away and said I will have none of this! I should have learned a long time ago not to show my emotions and think she could be a loving,caring mother.

I've lived my whole life with a mother that degraded everything everyone did. There was always something wrong with everyone except the few women she wanted to be friends with in the past 5 yrs or so. My father died 4 yrs ago and she constantly puts him down and has for about the past 10 yrs. I'm an only child and it seems that nothing I do is good enough. I went thru a divorce 3 yrs ago. I was married 14 yrs, the last 7 of which he was a drunk and wanted to lay out of work and me pay all the bills. He & I remodeled a home for her but she forgot my effort. During my divorce process, he buddied up to her and she told me that I needed to go back to him because he offered to help her whenever she needed. I called one day and he was in her house repairing her curio cabinet. I told her if she didn't stop having association with him that it was going to cause a problem with mine and her relationship and she told me to shut my mouth that he was helping her and if it caused a problem between she & I that it would be my fault. He stalked me for 2 yrs and finally I moved and didn't tell anyone where I was. After my divorce, she didn't want me to have any friends whatsoever. One night I went out with a male gay co-worker and she threw a tantrum and said I was partying, I don't even drink. I sold a client a candle and she sent her fiance to pick it up because it was on his way and my mother called me a prostitute (literally) because she pulled up as he was leaving. I was going thru my divorce and hadn't even been on a date. All I did was go to work and go home. I went out 3 times in 4 months, each time was with female or male gay co-workers to dinner and one of those times was a movie. Told me she didn't want me to have a man in my life ever. When I left my ex, I didn't take any furniture. When I went to purchase furniture, she & I both bought the same volume and quality from the same store which included living room and bedroom furniture. I needed everything and I bargain shopped for decent quality, but by no means top of the line. Her furniture was old and she wanted new. I paid for the delivery for both of ours. My father inherited a piece of property worth over $200k, which by law meant it was half mine. It sold a few months ago. I was supposed to receive half of the money in the sale, but I discovered she has contracted $65k to remodel herself another home to live in. I asked her when she planned to (or if) I was going to receive any of my part in my inheritance from the property and she politely told me I wasted money on furniture after my divorce, that I could have went to goodwill and bought what I needed. All the little items I needed I bought at yard sales or either friends gave me to help out. With my inhertance from dad I had planned on adding to my education and putting a down payment on a home and leaving the rest for a nest egg. I work 2 jobs to make ends meet and have for the past 14 yrs. She is now 68 and hasn't worked a job since she was 25, my dad was the sole source of income. My friends say she is a control freak and there will come a time when I have to remove myself from the toxic relationship with her. A couple days ago she told me how much I wasted on the furniture and said I wasn't going to receive any of my inhertance as long as I had anyone in my life other than her. I told her I had never in my life done anything right in her eyes and I hung up. I don't plan on calling her back. I'm tired of being hurt and I've finally had enough!

I can tell you first hand the final results. You feel nothing but relief when she dies. No loss or sadness, just a heavy weight lifted off your shoulders. You also feel extremely empty inside due to losing a loving relationship you never got to achieve. Narcissistic people can take a piece of your soul to the grave with them if you are not careful when they are alive. This is the distructive force of a narcissistic.

weezie, there'll be time for advice on how to help you with this situation, but for today, just a hug and my condolences on losing your mom. Comfort your kids, be kind to yourself and when she starts on you, hold up your hand and tell her this is simply not the time for this nonsense. And walk away.

ohjeezleweez - You are NOT feeling guilt. What you ARE feeling is resentment. Let's get that straight.

Yes, this person is "family", but that does not give anyone permission to be abusive and controlling. Yes you can walk away from abusive people, even if they are "family". This is not wrong, it's not illegal, it's not immoral. It's about survival. If she were flogging you with a whip you would not just stand there and take it for years on end. Verbal and mental abuse is absolutely no different.

Start small. Don't make any grand announcements to anybody. SImply stop answering her phone calls entirely. Let her rant & rage at voicemail and delete them. Instruct the family that they are absolutely NEVER to bring the phone to you if it's her.

My mother would barge - by phone- her way into my life - even if I was going to the bathroom - she was so inconsiderate and bullying. She barged her way in while I was in labor and had said NO PHONE CALLS!

Eventually you will need to explain to your husband this stress is killing you and you are making some changes to keep your health and sanity up. You will have to say that you understand he is in a different place and may not be able to do the same as you, and that's fine, but he will have to respect your wishes.

Don't go over there. Don't do any chores. Don't help out. Don't answer the phone. Don't be available. "Go dark". This will freak her out and I guarantee there will be some epic theatrics to pull you back in. But don't take the bait. Even if she sets herself on fire in the front yard. Call 911 and let the professionals deal with her. Her chores, her unhappiness, her boredom, her dissatisfaction, her anything is NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

Every single time you do NOT cave and come running, she is being taught that you are not hers to own and control. She won't like it. She may even try to interfere in your marriage by working your husband over. My mother tried that.
Thankfully my husband shut her up really fast.

It sounds stupidly simple, but the best strategy to deal with a NPD/BPD person is to just not. Don't deal with them at all. Don't explain anything. Don't apologize. You do not owe her one iota of information or detail.

One thing a narcissist can't tolerate is a dish of their own sausage so to speak. When my mother was in my house, she tried to take over and be the queen, but I would absolutely not let her. We ate when the family was ready for meal time, not when she demanded snacks. Laundry got done on our schedule. She had to understand that we had activities and obligations outside the house that she was NOT invited to. I went to the store without her. I ran errands without her. She was ugly, rude, mean, and got spitting, stomping, fighting mad because NPDs can often have very poor emotional regulation. That part of their brain just doesn't fire up like it should.

Ultimately, this anger toward me/us accelerated her move into a senior living place, where she began all the same behaviors toward those people & staff.

You have to believe you can do it. Take the first step. It will feel naughty and wrong, but it is not.

This is always a favorite subject of mine, the narcissistic parent. I really learned a lot from the Daughters of narcissistic parents website. I just lost my mother a few days ago, who was not this way. I am lucky she was a loving parent all the way to the end. However, my husband's mother is the opposite. She is everything described to a T all the way down to matching the quotes of what narc parents say on the website. She moved in across the street to force us to take care of her. She is a self-centered hateful person and makes everyone around her feel bad. We have been taking care of her for 5 years, which means chores and just someone to listen to her talk about how much of a victim she is and how nobody cares.

It has been not quite one week since my mother died. MIL has not called or emailed me or anything or my adult children who are also deeply grieving. She is so jealous. She claims we were not there for her when her sister died so we don't deserve her condolences. She actually said this to my daughter. (and we all were, supporting her through the loss of her sister she often claimed she hated). It is mind boggling.

I eats me up how much we have done, but I know that it is a mental illness and I try to look the other way. My husband is who I watch the most. She never acted like she loved him and has always treated him terribly and the verbal abuse I have witnessed is sickening, yet he spends 2 days a week with her every single week. He is able to be pretty firm with her, but I know he hurts inside.

As soon as the news hit that my mother died, the MIL announced that she would not release any more money to my children for their college from their designated college funds. She did this the day the money was due for spring term. The money was never hers, it was from their "grandpa" who lived with the MIL. She got control of the accounts when he was in hospice and became his POA. Sick. It has been a battle every term for those kids. She says they don't deserve it, they dont appreciate a dollar, they don't thank me blah blah. They both carry above a 4.0 and always have. They are both the most responsible young adults I know. They are now walking away from her and have decided to go get loans and say they will never speak to her again.

I want to decide today that I am free and walk away from her too. The hard part is my husband won't, he will continue taking her abuse just because she is his mother. He doesn't really let her walk all over him, but how can I stand here and let him take it without sharing in the responsibility? It is very hard. He says I don't have to do anything for her. I won't be doing it for her, it will be for him

The hardest part is the guilt. I spent more time on that ungrateful woman than my own mother because of her demands and threats and guilt trips. Narcissistic people are professionals at manipulation. I cannot go even part of a day without the MIL in my head. I want to help her, but she is so terribly toxic to me that I feel insane.

How on earth can I let go of this guilt and free myself without leaving all of her care to my husband?

Rvsp -- no worries, my wording was vague! Sorry about that.
Anger, outburtsts, accusations and blaming -- yes, they can be signs of dementia, maybe undetected small strokes are a possibility. Long term alcoholism really affects the brain too.
You also have to think about how the person handled responsibility for things in general throughout her life. Did she blame, accuse, and get angry? Or did she maybe consider how her own actions contributed? Narcissists NEVER do this, and I think part of being an addict is that someone or something else is always to blame. Addicts act like Narcissists when they're in the middle of their addiction, and maybe they're already narcissistic to begin with. Kind of a chicken and egg thing.

Hello everyone.
I was asked this question recently. What causes Narcissism. When I first started this tread I knew nothing, I simply wanted to know if there were other people like myself dealing with a parent who was so out of control and I simply wanted to let out some steam. I also wondered how in the world did my mother get this way. What happen? Why? And so forth. In this great new world we live in there is the internet and all you have to do is go to Google and type in a few words and Bingo, you have a whole menu of answers. Well, I Google it and after reading different articles I came away with this.

Narcissistic behavior is in all of us, but in some it is on a grand scale. It's out of kilter. We are born uncivilized. If our parents did not teach us how to eat with a fork and knife, we eat like pigs. If we took things from others without asking, we be thieves. In other words if we behaved in a manner of take, take, take regardless of consequences and if the parents of a narcissistic child in the making is ill equipped in their parental skills, not that they would do it on purpose, they simply did not recognize what was happening. The narcissistic child who is so demanding of attention will seek it in different forms, even if they are naughty. Doing bad things might get an adults attention and if it isn't handled properly the child has learned that bad behavior gets rewarded. This happen to my mother. I asked my mothers sisters and my late Grandmother, what happen to my mother, why is she so different then the others. My Grandparents were farmers in the old country. My mother was the oldest of 5 children and as I talked to all her siblings, my mother was a little brat since she could walk. She demanded attention, if she didn't get it, she do bad things, it was nothing earth shaking but she was always up to no good. "They" my mom's parents, aunts and uncles and cousins always thought it was funny what she did as a child, so my mom got the attention.But once she got older, it got worse, but by that time she was out of control.
I have read that our personalities are formed by the age of five. So you can see what can happen.
None of us come with a degree in parental skills. This is a one time shot. Just because we have the mechanism for making a human being doesn't necessarily mean we are going to help guide a spectacular perfect human being. We have a basic instinct to care for our young, but not all are the best educated parents. This is not to say it's my Grandparents fault that my mother turned out this way, because none of the others are nasty. It all depends on the individual, my mother in a sense got the bad end of the stick. Yes, I feel sorry for her because she has no clue what this life is all about. It's very sad in a way, for we all see it and they don't have a clue. And the worst part is that they "affect" (I misspelled the word in my topic sentence, sorry, I can't change it....lol) so many people by their bad behavior. For these same people procreate and abuse their offspring and anyone around them, that is the delima we all face. How to survive these mental vampires. Educate yourself. Seek counseling. Join a group or start writing on the Internet ( Helllllloooooo.....lol) and see if you are the only one who is dealing with this nasty human being. To stay in the dark and not know what your up against only drives you in a dark place, where you need not be.

I am amazed how this tread has evolved. You all have so many stories and so many are hurting, I hope this tread has helped many and I must say it surely has helped me. I got my answer...............

With love and admiration to all of you...........Midwest

looloo -- I am so sorry. Please forgive me. You wrote in the past tense b/c she has lost some weight. I didn't read it well enough. You are saying that with alcoholics and other forms of diseases, the after effects are damaging. In my mom and dad's case life threatening. Her not smoking or drinking is something. Family dynamics are especially hard now. I am forced to keep my boundaries in place. When it comes to my aunts and uncles it's almost been liberating to finally be able to talk about mom and dad. I found out they have been worried about my mom since before I was born. I told my parents I wasn't going to lie to anyone. I talk freely about alcoholism to my family now. Both sides of the family. It's been really nice. I have to try very hard to not let what she's saying to everyone about me get to me. She's saying awful things. That hurts.

I have questions about Dementia if you or anyone else would like to answer. My mom's anger outbursts, accusations, blaming, etc., I have been told these are signs of Dementia. Are these some of the signs? I have read that alcohol itself can cause Dementia.

looloo, again, please accept my apology. I feel terrible.

Rsvp -- not sure if you meant me, but I wasn't clear in my post -- my mother is still alive, she'll be 85 in August, and she has dementia. About 10 years ago, her appetite seemed to naturally dwindle down, and she lost maybe about 40 pounds, but she's still 50 pounds or so overweight.
I know you can't really compare one addiction's effects/consequences with another's, but many of the things she's now having to deal with are the result of not choosing a healthier life. She didn't smoke or drink, though, so that's something...

Hi looloo and Sandwich42plus, you're right. An addiction is an addiction, no matter what the source. Both of my parents are alcoholics. My mom is the angry one. My dad the quiet one who does whatever my mom says. The big family secret that mom and dad thought they were hiding it turns out everyone on both sides of the family knows. I have CRPS/RSD. So it complicates my or any ability to run at any time to help. The past ten years have been spent with so many ER and hospital stays I've lost count. They go in for alcohol poisoning, get sober, go home and within a week they decide to pick up the bottle again. I'm 53 and live 1.5 hrs away and unable to drive myself that far due to the RSD. The past 8 months have been the worse ever of me and my brother's lives. July 2014, Mom got severely malnourished. Had a 2.5 week ICU stay. Had to be intubated due to aspiration. Her liver was not producing albumin. Her heart had an ejection fraction of 35% and wasn't improving. She lost her ability to walk as edema set in and "froze" her feet in the drop foot position. She has Congestive Heart Failure, Cirrhosis, COPD (non-smoker), Resp. failure, obstructive airway, it goes on. We had to place her in nursing home due to inability to walk. Meanwhile in Dec 2014, my dad passed out at home for what we think was 12 hrs. He wasn't answering. It took a while but the deputy broke in and found him in his bedroom on the floor. The heat pump had been broken and was due to be replaced that day. Dad had hypothermia. I believe it saved him. His core temp was lik 82 or 88, can't remember. They had to transport him to a bigger hospital to save his life. The doctor thinks it was a HE incident. He was Dx with cirrhosis, pancreatitis, low platelets. So 6 weeks later after pt rehab, dad got released back home in February. He did well. Meanwhile, mom got to where she could walk using walker or cane in booties - wearing chunky heels about 1.5"-2" due to part of drop foot still there. She was there 3 months and discharged in March. Dad told them he wanted her home. Since the day she walked back into that home she has been angry, rude, blaming me for messing up everything. (I have POA for both) She says I left her clothes askew, closet messy. She is confused. She is so rude to me it's gut wrenching. I have offered to come help several times. Denied. I have provided the spreadsheet of expenses/reimbursements and checks payable to third parties. She had nothing to say about it. It comes out even. Well, actually if you want to get technical, she owes me $11.75 :-) We won't go there! She told me she was going to a lawyer yesterday to revoke my POA. All she has to do is write me a letter, but I didn't offer any advice. She has never taken any advice I've offered. My brother and I tried our best throughout the years to get help for them to no avail. They are still in denial. They have been given a second chance but are so sick they are unable to be grateful. I'm afraid to answer the phone when I see their number as I know I'll get yelled at again. But I do, so that I will get better at standing up to her. She wouldn't let my daughter and I come for Easter. "Too tired. People here everyday (home health and PT)" It's like she went home and thinks she's right back where she was a year ago. Something will happen. Someone will fall. But this time, depending on circumstances, I'm not dropping everything and make my husband drive me to whoever is in the hospital this time. I'm going to say "keep me posted". I have to. I'm killing myself physically and emotionally. Good thing I have a chronic pain group I attend and one on ones with my psychologist. I see my pain doc today. I appreciate your patience reading this book. It has made me feel better. I really enjoy this site. It helps in many areas. Oh, my dad and I got really close while Mom was still in the nursing home. Now he's back like his old self and staying in his garage office and not having my back anymore. And I am concerned they are drinking again. A daughter knows better than anyone usually.

I'm sorry to hear you go through the same. It will make us stronger. Family dynamics never go away or get better. She's always been this way to me...it's only worse now. May I ask how do you feel now? You mentioned you mom "was", so am I to assume she's passed? I'm sorry if so. What lasting effects does it have on you?

Sandwich42plus, thank you for the wonderful information you provided. Please continue if you want. I am a researcher. And boy do I! It helps me from thinking about my pain.

I have bored you both enough. Good day! Hope to talk to everyone later.
RVSP578

Srmaddox.......Yes there is one positive. You. You are not your mother. I resonate so much with what you said. It seems NM's have something in common, they are all alike. We often wonder how we made it, but we did. If you can take something away via my experience is that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. We often think that we have it the worse and then we read about others and realize, others have it worse. I can't begin to tell you what I am going thru, but rest assure I am taking the Bull by the Horns. If Mommy Dearest had Alzheimer disease I would treat her differently, unfortunately for her I am not taking any BS from her. Every time Mommy Dearest pulls her stunts I call her out and it isn't pretty. The Doctors, Nurses, Therapists and cleaning crew all have my back and this is the beautiful part, when Mommy Dearest becomes rude, one of the Nurses said to my mother: "Do you talk to your only daughter like this all the time?" Then the Nurse said to me in private: "You are a Saint" I said: "I wouldn't say that"...LOL .....Furthermore, each time Mommy Dearest makes negative comments to me in another Language, I call her out.......I would say: "What did you just say? Your going to punch me if I don't shut up?" And guess what it shocks her and she shuts up. What am I trying to say with this? I am telling you and to all of my followers, don't keep your mouth shut, speak up in front of people, don't be afraid, don't hide it. The more people can be your witness of the shenanigans that is going on, the better. Before you know it you will have a support system. Don't be afraid. My mother constantly was threatening me when I got back. She thought she still could Bully me. Ohhh no, my little Schnuckiputz, that not happening. My mother is rude to all who try to help her and so ungrateful. She wants to control everyone. She can't, she is all mouth. Again, what am I conveying to you, that you do not drag your old history and allow your mother to have control over you. I always think of how to handle my mother when she tries to be nasty, I simply ignore her, what is she really? An old Lady with a big mouth. When she wants to know something, I tell her it's not her concern. When she tries to know where I am going, I tell her, I am leaving. I do not share anything with her. I don't give her a smidgen of my thoughts or actions. I simply DO. It is sad, but this is how a Narcissist has to be handled. Don't give them any ammunition to use it against you. You will never get a mother who has warm and fuzzy feelings for you. Get that out of your head. Yes, your childhood was shitty but so was mine and thousands of others. You need to get past it and live for today and tomorrow, for we do not know how much longer we have. My mother treated my children like yours. She favored one over the other. She gave one Great grand child gifts, while the others watched. Awful! I too told her that was wrong, did she care, hell no. Today, my children don't talk to her and her favorite great grandson doesn't call her. She she did well for herself, didn't she. And she can't figure out why nobody calls her. Duuuh! And here I am, still hanging in and looking out for her. Rest assure you, this to shall pass.

Well, enough said. Like I said you are not alone.

Midwest

Decades of conflict. Oh yes - a lifetime. PTSD and anxiety follow. The energy it takes to maintain oneself is enormous. Detaching and distancing give some breathing room. Being the eternal scapegoat, the reason for all the wrongs in their world - the gift that keeps giving even after death of a parent. We question ourselves more than most, analyse, justify. May as well work on the issues now to have some peace after they are gone.

Midwest, there are no positives of NPD. My psychiatrist says my mother is poison to me , and I shouldnt go around her for any reason. He says don't even move her to my state so I can better oversee her health issues, even if she is in AL and not in my home.
He was exactly right about all. I am much less stressed since I quit going to see her. He says I have PTSD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. All caused by my horrible childhood. I am 64. My childhood was a very long time ago but the damage is all still there.
She has caused problems between my children always. Pitted my children against each other. Played favorites big time. Would send boxes of items for only one child out of four. Not a crumb for anyone else. ..
She told one child she hated him and never wanted to lay eyes on him again. She had always hated him even when he was a little boy. When I would try to talk to her about it, she said he was too loud.
Lately she blamed me for having to live with my alcoholic father. ..even though she admitted she could remember me begging her to get us away from him as early as when I was four. But "it was all for me" that she lived with this physically and verbally abusive tyrant. Everything is my fault you see. ..her personal scapegoat always.

Dubai Daughter.......Keep going to the therapist, you need to learn the boundaries. I only wish I cut out Mommy Dearest when I was married. My husband at that time wanted to banish her from our home, unfortunately I gave her always a lifeline. Sometimes, our parents are not good for us.

You have to have a mega-strong will to survive as an individual under a NPD parent. This is the way it should be, but will plunge you into years and decades of never ending conflict every time you demonstrate you are a separate person. There will be all kinds of theatrics by the NPD person to put you back in your place as an extension of their self. It will be ugly.

Surviving an NPD parent takes grit, guts, and a really thick skin. You may not even be aware that you are developing these things because it feels like the oppisite. You feel weak, incapable, wrong, and end up second guessing literally everything.

The kids growing up under an NPD parent need love, patience, encouragement, nourishment for their self esteem, praise, and the ability to self-determine as much as is safely possible. Cultivate opinions and stop saying "I'm sorry but..." in front of every statement.

Time, distance, the willingness to work on yourself, the realization therapy is really important no matter how it comes, and permission to be human will get you out from under this curse. It's really hard. REALLY hard.

The death of this parent doesn't end all the negative either. It makes the past more complicated to deal with. It does not resolve any feelings. It changes nothing on the surface. I am trying to think ahead for the time when my NPD mother is gone and to prepare myself for that time. Everyone in my life who knows how she was will just assume that Poof! It's all better now. I don't expect them to understand the lingering toxic legacy an NPD parent leaves in their wake.

Hi RVSP578, my mother was not an alcoholic, but she was an over-eater, who was obese as far back as I can remember. I think there are many similarities regarding family dynamics with what you must've gone through. Everyone ignoring "the elephant in the room" (the addiction), the codependency and enabling, the physical toll it takes on the addict, the emotional distance it puts on everyone....

I am amazed at how many comments there are and how many of us have this in common. It hurts your soul. It's gut wrenching. It gets worse as they age. All my life, both of my parents have been alcoholics. And now, they are dying from it. They are only 73 and 74 yrs old. Does anyone out there have an alcoholic & narcissist mother?

My narcisistic mother everything I tell her against me. She detests my husband because he took me away from her. She even said the reason I had to go through infertility is because we are incompatible. She can't even say his name and calls him that man! I have been seeing a therapist to create boundaries.

Please get your children away from this selfish manipulation. You know what it has done to you, so don't let the children be treated the same way. My mother has made my children compete against each other because she pits them against each other. She hated the 3rd child and talked to him like a dog every chance she got. Now that he is a surgeon she brags on him constantly. She tells me what a good mother and grandmother she was. That is the worst...
I have been in counseling all my adult life and finally have realized she is the cause of my problems. She has tainted the way I react to the world.
Please cut this relationship off ASAP for everyone's benefit. Don't let the kids around her. PERIOD. This is some of the worst abuse but flies under the radar. If the children had a bruise you would see it, but there is no overt evidence. MENTAL CRUELTY damages the soul.

Pal trees your mother has inadvertently done you a huge favor by saying she wants your brother to do everything for her! HOORAH! You should definitely let him do just that. Refuse to do anything because it will never suit her whatever you do. You do not need to keep this dance going any longer. Get away from them both and make a calm life. You deserve it!

Dawn36, all I can say is that there are a whole lot a people in our shoes, This forum I created has helped so many by knowing you are not alone.
At this point, I am now pulling my hair, for Mommy Dearest has decided to go to the Cook County Clerk by herself. Despite the fact I told her the elevator is out due to recent electrical outage due to our blizzard. She promptly took off and went down the stairs with her walker. I offered to go and take care of the exemption but she trusts no one, she is the only one who can do it. Can you imagine the drama I am going thru. So my dear, fret no more, we who are stuck with these mental vampires have to simple put on a coat of arms. The corker is that when she left I discovered that she forgot the papers for the exemption, so can you imagine what its going to like when she gets home. To be continued...................