No matter what we are talking about, she can find something to zero in on that is gloomy, or something bad that might happen, or someone else she has heard about that something sad happened to. Etc. It doesn't matter what we are talking about - she simply seems unable to stay on a cheerful topic for very long. I don't think she even realizes that she does this, but it really wears me down to the point that I have to brace myself for our visits. I don't think you can talk your way to being happy, but this certainly isn't helping her outlook at all. Can you help me understand why she might do this? How can I help her?
We are a sister/brotherhood that understand where each other is coming from. Come talk/vent/question whenever. Most of the time, I just read, sometimes a message hits too close to home to stay quiet. Consider this group therapy minus the cost of the co-pay. ;-)
I’ve told her over and over but she doesn’t see it as complaining but rather relaying her thoughts. Now she throws it in my face by starting a conversation with” you say all I do is complain” but continues anyway. I have told her if she keeps it up I’ll leave, I come by to have an enjoyable visit not to sit here hear all the angry, old and negative crap.
Sometimes it works and sometimes it’s like she could give less than a hoot how I feel and just dump on me. Well…unfortunately my visits have become less frequent, I miss my Mom but I can’t afford for my spirit to become contaminated with someone else’s issues or rather non-issues.
The other day when I visited her, I again told her about all the scheduled activities at the NH, the monthly birthday celebration was about to take place, she didn’t want to get dressed ( she had on clothes!) there are puzzles and hobbies she could do in her room. While asking the Physical Therapist about activities for low sighted people, Mom leaned into me waived her finger and said NOOO! I don’t want to do anything, leave it alone! So I’m like what Thee…! This lady just wants to be bored and unhappy! I get it ( not really) but it’s her choosing.
If they come up with a happy pill for her, I’m all in.
Take care of your mental and physical self.
BTW, yes, i did attempt to point this out to her. Denial ain't just a river. . .
Others who have tried this tell me it helps. Ther is no cure that I know of. I hope this helps.
I wish you the best.
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Perhaps take her somewhere for an outing where she will see someone worse off than herself, such as the veterans hospital where people have lost limbs and are struggling to live productive lives.
It is self-centeredness, and the best way to alleviate it is to think of or do for someone else. People who start focusing inwardly are doomed to become lost in there. Maybe you can think of a project that helps her to focus outward in an area she enjoys: gardening and providing flowers for her church one week, going to the elementary school and volunteering to read to the Kindergartners; offering to shop for a sick neighbor. Once she gets positive attention, she might like it. However, my Mother was the same way, now she has full blown dementia at 94. You can't tell them they are selfish, because they don't see it. Some people are just like that, but like you, I kept trying. Surround yourself with givers and doers, like yourself:)
Sorry that the rest of you have this type of issue, too. But awfully glad to have someplace to come that knows and understands these issues. Hugs to all of you.
Well, I am a writer and now work from home. My wife is a realtor and is out of the house most days . . . So much of the conversation is between mom and me and I must confess was killing me because of the constant negativity. OK, I have been creating books for people with memory loss and producing a weekly radio show for Veterans with memory loss and their families. I have immersed myself in this world and came to the conclusion that humor is the most powerful tool we have to best deal with what we are all talking about. I am beginning a project called Caregiving with a Smile . . . A 90 minute presentation that I will start to deliver to caregiver groups in late February. My goal is to assist caregivers to see the humor in (almost) any situation . . . Even if our loved one does not or can not. Believe me when I say that a smile can be found . . . And often shared with your person . . . And it can make these difficult times a little easier for you. This can be accomplished without disrespect . . . And with the acknowledgment that caregiving is hard . . . But, frankly, I knew that if I didn't change my point of view . . . It was going to kill me . . . So . . . Find the humor. My sincere hope that you will think about this.
See what you can let go of to let her be where she is, and watch in wonder as she gets there. At least, it might make you less crazy. GOOD LUCK!
I just keep my distance and try to do the things I love and remember to not turn into her. It is like brainwashing, so be careful to stay positive.