My Dad's sister is an elderly widow, late 70s. She recently got in touch with me, as I did not know her growing up. My Dad was not in contact with her for many years. I was at first glad to talk to her, as we didn't know each other when I was growing up but once my sister gave her # to my Aunt, she has been calling almost every day and she has been telling me offensive sexual jokes and some that are racist and she thinks they are funny. I just don't want to be mean to her. I have told her before I am busy witth work, family, etc and she says she will not call for a while and a few weeks later she is back calling every few days even as late as 10pm.. Besides blocking her # I am not sure what else to do? She is a nice person, she may just be lonely and I don't want to hurt her feelings. She has been calling other family members the same way also and they have been avoiding her calls.
Has anyone dealt with this situation? Any advice helpful. Thanks!
I honestly am surprised at how many people suggest confrontation as a solution. This woman hasn't been in your life "all your life"; unless you want a relationship with her, why spend your emotional energy on "explaining, telling her off, etc." Just let her go.
And for all those who chalk it off to this woman being "older", possibly "dementia", possibly this or that, let's stop blaming older people! Maybe she has always been like this and maybe that is why she is trying to find a new person to be offensive to. And for the record, there are plenty of young people who like to do the same.
I am so happy to hear from you. I would like to talk to you about something that is very important to me...
Honesty is always okay and it doesn't have to be confrontational or demeaning or hurtful or any other dreadful thing. We can tell people that we don't appreciate their sense of humor without any drama.
If she goes all dramatic, well that is on her. I bet that she will be surprised and remorseful that she has been trying to be funny and make her calls a happy time and instead she has been allowed to make them miserable for you, all because you didn't speak up when it started.
Fresh beginnings are a great way to get over, what to me is a stupid mistake by both parties, and have a loving relationship with mutual respect and boundaries.
She may have No One Else to talk to.
you and her other family members should not be blocking her calls!
Put yourself in her shoes.
Each and Every One of you, should each pick one day out of the week and make a 5 -10 minute phone call to her.
That time out of a whole week is nothing and to her could literally be life or death.
Loiliness Kills!
You should tell her exactly what you wrote here.
Let her know that you want to keep talking with her but it makes you uncomfortable to listen to her jokes because you find them sexual and racial.
She probably doesn't really have things to talk about.
Tell her when it's convenient for you to talk and have her call at those times.
Mare sure you let her know the hours of the day that she can call.
Have a list of questions you can ask and talk about.
Or, tell her when you will call her and be sure to call her.
Does she live close enough for ya'll to visit or have lunch together?
Praters for all to show compassion to a lonely elderly women.
All you can do is listen with love and encourage a change of subject. You can gently tell her those jokes are no longer acceptable, but do not be surprised if she doesn't stop. These are thoughts are deeply planted in her memories. Then try to remember that whatever you think is funny today in 50 years will be abhorrent to your grandchildren.
She is lonely and wants to stay connected to the world. Are there Senior Services in the community where she lives? Can you contact them and ask if they have activities she could join? Do they have a support service that can pair her with other lonely seniors? This COVID year has been horrible for everyone but especially for seniors living alone.
And, please, do not rail at her for her jokes. Do not judge her as some people responding have suggested. It will only confuse her and cause pain for something she does not understand. You can limit how many times you talk to her by not answering if she calls too frequently. But think about how you would like to be treated in your senior years by those in your life and go from there.
Best to you and to your aunt.
Hang up and Walk away immediately. Do this every single time no matter who is present.
You can't control her. But you have absolutely control over what you listen to,
One other note: in my dad's older years, the racist language always got worse when he had a UTI. So it became kind of a weird, useful indicator. He's 93 now and losing his memory and his hearing and his eyesight...... and, apparently, most of the triggers for his racism.
You probably cannot change your aunt. You can decide if and how you want to deal with her. It's your decision to make. I know your angst.
I’d still say that auntie needs a better joke book – perhaps you could be kind enough to find one for her!
But she doesn't mean to upset you.
So the problem is not hers to solve, but yours. You can do as others have suggested, and block her calls or just don't answer.
If you feel you must speak with her, your best response to her offensive jokes or comments is no response. Rather than be silent, try redirecting her. Be ready with a response that is not rude but entirely unrelated. "By the way, what's the weather like there in...(whatever state she's in)? Do you get out much?...any old friends that live close by?" Or "You know, dad always liked to play card games, do you? I remember he used to play solitaire and keep track of how many "cheats" it took him to win (laugh)!"
This seems like quite an effort to put out for someone you find offensive...and someone who keeps calling. No point in continuing the relationship with someone (especially a rather distant relative) that you can't actually relate to nor HELP. Though at some level you sound as if you'd like to. (And she sounds like she is indeed needy). You have no idea what her physical condition is nor her living situation. Unless you have some contacts near where she lives, I think there is little you can do. Hope that someone in closer proximity to her can reach out.
What exactly do you know about this woman? She may indeed be lonely or she could have some sort of mental illness or even dementia.
Regardless of her circumstances, it’s important to be true to yourself.
So, I would absolutely tell her that you find her jokes offensive.
Yes, past generations did many things that they felt they were entitled to do.
The truth is that they didn’t have a right to do it. It was wrong then and is wrong now. Period!
There aren’t any good reasons to validate racism of any kind.
If you want to use this as a teaching moment, then do so.
If you feel that would be a waste of time on this woman, don’t bother.
You may even help her more by not being an attentive audience for her.
Please don’t feel guilty about not answering your phone or letting her calls go to voicemail. You don’t owe her any explanations.
This is a pattern for her and it may be a long standing pattern that could explain why she wasn’t a part of your family when you were growing up.
I wouldn’t allow a person to be around my children that told inappropriate jokes. It’s not funny. It’s disturbing.
Hopefully, if she isn’t suffering from dementia or a form of mental illness, she will wake up and stop telling offensive jokes that are hurtful to others and portray negative stereotypes.
Don’t encourage her by listening. If you wish to speak to her, change the subject immediately and certainly don’t feel obligated to correct her.
Walking away, hanging up, ignoring her is a strong non verbal cue that you aren’t interested!
If you are uncomfortable saying something because you feel that you would become too upset, it doesn’t have to be you that says something. Protect your emotions.
Let others deal with it. Sooner or later, she will be ignored or told off by anyone that is sick of her offensive behavior.
Yes, she could be totally ignorant of the fact that she is being offensive.
It still doesn’t mean that you or anyone else is obligated to listen to her distasteful and disrespectful jokes.
If you are offended, don't take her calls. But don't waste time trying to change a elderly woman who won't see any reason to change.
I have a lot of jokes and on occasion I will post some here but I try to be very careful as times have changed and people have changed. What might have been “thought” to be funny in the past really isn’t. So she may think the jokes are funny, and to some they might be. But if you find them offensive you are well within boundaries to tell her so and stop the conversation if she continues. Much like you would stop communicating with a Bully, this is the same. She is assaulting you with words.
Good luck
What was passable at one time is no longer tolerated. I guess it is her way of getting the attention; but if offensive to you it likely is to other people also.
Myself, I would want to know if this is who she always was, because then it makes decisions about continuing easier to choose from. Does she have any children, aka your cousins? If so, does anyone have contact with them? Perhaps someone could ask them if she's having cognitive issues. If this was not how she was before, something as simple as a UTI or other infection can change someone's behavior and actions, usually not in a good way! If she has no children, are there any other aunts or uncles? There is also the possibility for some kind of dementia. Some types of dementia can cause people to lose their "filters" and behave in socially unacceptable ways.
If this was an ongoing issue with her, you can try to ask her not to tell her offensive jokes and try to steer the conversation to something else. Asking her to stop when she starts and indicate you will hang up may help. Be sure to follow through with that hang up, maybe with a quick but firm BYE! It may not work, not if this is how she is. You can only try.
If those attempts don't work, you may have to resort to letting calls go to voicemail and deleting them, or blocking her calls. It would be sad to have to cut her out of your life again, but if this is who she is/was, it isn't likely to stop.
IF your attempts are successful, then perhaps you can continue to have a minimal relationship with her. She may occasionally backslide, so gentle reminders and hang ups may be needed sometimes for reinforcement. Just be consistent.
Although she is a "blood" relation, it won't be rude or nasty if you choose to break off communication. You really didn't have a relationship with her before this, so it would really be no different than breaking off contact with an acquaintance who you don't "mesh" with.
As far as calling at bad times, I also agree that you need to clearly say please don’t call me during these times as I won’t be able to answer. And setting up a routine time to chat is a great idea with a list of things to chat about. My mother used to call me in the morning on my days off and chat. I loved it. She was in a different time zone and it was the middle of the night where she was so no one else appreciated a call then! But she also developed a habit of calling right as we were sitting down to supper. Eventually I had to stop answering the phone. It made me sad because she knew it was likely I was screening her calls like everyone else did and she was lonely and it hurt her. But I always tried to call her at a different time suitable for me and ask if it was a good time to talk. Now I really miss her phone calls.
If she calls me on other days I just don’t answer the phone. If she has a real emergency I gave another number or she can leave a message. I know I am lucky that she lives in an AL facility, that she has all her cognitive abilities and she does not live nearby.
At first it was horrible not answering the calls ( I was scared and worried,) and the frequency of the calls increased. I also listened to every message immediately for sounds of real emergency.
It worked ! She is used to my being in control, as long as I keep my commitment.
I hope this post doesn’t offend anyone dealing with a much more tragic and difficult situation. I know I am fortunate for the situation I’m in.
https://www.theaftd.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/FTD-Signs-and-Symptoms-bvFTD.pdf