Can you get sick (emotionally, physically) from years of caregiving?

menohardy daughter-I am afraid mommag hit the nail on the head. I was gfiven a list of the 7 stages of dementia an AD and the behavior is psyhotic and goes far beyond an accident on the part of a patient. This is not incontinence this is deliberate exhibition of psychotic behavior. I just read in my handbook for caring for patients suffering from Dementia that some patients will unintentinaly soil themselves and for not wanting to be fussed at may hide the fact but a patient who uses their feces as a weapon by throwing, smearing etc. is acting out with the utmost disgust and violent way they know how and it is a clear signal that they need anti-psychotic medication and immediate placement outside the home. Clearly she is suffering and because of this you are suffering and you must put an end to this right away and understand that it is the humane thing to do for yourself and your mother. Even children may have a brief pre-occupation with their fesces but they instinctively are soon disgusted by it. Not implying your mother is an animal in the zoo but who hasn't seen or heard that monkeys will often throw their fesces at their audience. We laugh and think it is funny. But the animal is tormented by it's confinement and if it could reach you it would probably tear you limb from limb. Pleasegolfbhard, spare yourself further guilt and anguish.

golfbhard ,
YES!! being caregiver, especially alone, or even w/partner, is overwhelming, and can trash your health as well as your spouses!!!.
Just having an elder in the home and having to second guess whether they might leave a burner on, spill fluids, etc.,
or knowing you need to be there 24/7 to make sure things keep being OK,
combined with an elder who is mentally, emotionally, or behaviorally inappropriate, is terribly wearing.

I nearly lost my life. I had to choose, fast, if I wanted to keep living or not.
Was my life to be forfeit for my Mother's? NO!!!
Was my husband's life to be forfeit for my Mother's? NO!!!
Were our finances to be forfeit for Mom's? NO!!!
Were our connections with our kids to be forfeit for Mom? NO!!!

It is common to be conditioned/trained to do everything possible to help others.
That has been commonly expected.
But at some point, one must stop believing that lie.
IT is NOT appropriate: it is a form of martyrdom--a slow, deliberate suicide believing one is doing it as a sacrifice to something.
Sacrificing oneself for this, is wrong, and gives "sacrifice" a bad name.
The very old, ingrained notion of martyring self to take care of others no matter how they treat you...is so wrong!!!
Especially when one has committed to having a family.

GET YOUR MOM INTO A FACILITY IMMEDIATELY. And not just because of the poop issue. You need to put yourself back together again, and have a life.

Anyone who can give rational answers to questions
[like, "no I don't want to go to a nursing home"],
is likely sane enough to know to NOT play with her own poop.

Mental state:
That said, there might be other issues happening that need evaluated:
Poop-smearing can be a form of acting out to express [badly!], fears and anger at having lost control of her own life, lost autonomy.
Need to assess: is she senile/demented/or have Alzheimers?
Physical issues:
And your words about an ER Doc warning to get help for her more often--are her stools Constipated or Impacted?
IF so, she is trying to help herself get rid of the hard stool.
IF THAT is the case, giving her something to drink daily, such as juice or water with Chia seeds in it...[[you too!!!]] can help MANY problems...
I use: 2 tablespoons chia seeds in one cup of water or juice--juice is nice, since it gives good taste. STIR the chia seeds.
[[I mix 4 servings into a quart jar, and keep it in the refrigerator, once the seeds have developed their jelly coats, and use about 1/2 cup daily of that prepped mix; seeds can be put through a spice grinder too, to powder them before blenderizing them into juice--to give a smoother texture]].
A serving of that can be 1/2 to 1 cup in the morning; thickness can be adjusted by increasing or decreasing fluid--experiment to see how it works, and how it works best for you. I also often add Kombucha tea to it, to provide a good mix of Probiotics--that helps bowel issues very well, too..
WHAT it does:
Chia seeds provide loads of good nutrients,
but better,
provides good fiber [all the kinds we need].
It soothes and helps heal intestinal lining, so is good for IBS.
Because of the fiber and the fluid, it helps keep hydrated better, and helps keep the bowels moving softly--stool is soft enough to pass easily, but not watery.
This can help far more comfortably, and far more beneficially, than using stool softener drugs or laxatives.
Probiotics help fight off bad germs, help bowel health and balance, and help bowel movements.

OTHER POSSIBLE ISSUES:
In natural healing traditions, it has been observed that people who dig in their noses, or dig at their private parts, such as your Mom digging her poop out, MIGHT have parasites in the bowel.
This is often missed by mainstream Docs--in our modern world, it is assumed there are no [or very few] parasites. But that is incorrect.
Further, the usual methods of collecting a specimen for testing [merely taking a bit of stool], misses most parasites. To get a proper culture, one needs to swab the lining of the colon, and a dab of poop.

But, you really really really need to get Mom into a facility to do 24/7 care.
You have been doing it far longer than sanity or reason requires.
You have done an epic job of her care, and it is past time for you to take care of yourself.
You have been unable to get enough help for 10 years you have had her in your home: time to place her in a facility!

{{{hugs!}}}
Chi

There comes a time when you can no longer care for a loved one. Get counselling on how to move a recalcitrant senior to a more intensive care facility. It is time you called all siblings and tell them you are putting your mother in a facility that will be better suited to her needs.If anyone balks, lay down the law because you are the only brave, strong person in your family to not only step up but, consistently, help your mother through thick and thin. Even though Mom will go kicking and screaming, once she gets there, she may find that she will actually be more active because they have group activities and she'll meet new friends. This will improve both her and your quality of life. You must not sacrifice yourself and your health. If you get sick and have to be hospitalized who will take care of you or your mother? No one.

thanks for the uspport and suggestions....i feel a bit stuck and frozen as to getting up and out to make some trips to care centers...maybe i am in denial ( liearned that well growing up with an alcholic stepfather). but i have seen a therapist lately and she has helped...she says when we get tired enough of a situation we must find a way to deal with it so maybe i am not 'tired' enough yet...another question she posed might be interesting to others in my similar situation.......why do we stay in a situation we are uncomfortable with or even know is not healthy for us? is it guilt, fear, or maybe even some weird sort of dysfunctional 'need' we get out of being a caregiver/doormat/'dutiful child'? there are alternatives even if we dont like them....there are supports out there for almost every income and need, even if it doesnt match exactly what we may want...so why do we stay with the chores of cleaning up after someone...someone who is porbalby not really themself...someone who no longer is able to have a good and stable and healthy relationship? those are some tough questions i am dealing with right now.

I would agree that providing this kind of care, especially when things have gotten to the state they are for you, and for the length of time you've been doing this, you can definitely end up with depression, reduced immunity and a variety of health issues. Stress has been connected to almost every major chronic disease. It wears down our immune systems and makes us much mor susceptible to all kinds of health problems, physical and mental. You say you have a loving husband, but what would happen to him and your mother if you were suddenly incapacitated and needed hospitalization of hands-on care yourself? many nursing homes have respite programs that you might look into, to see if a temporary break from your caregiving duties would help, or just to use on a trial basis and see how you think placement of your mother in a facility would work out. If you are not getting any respite services, please look into them, and then get yourself out of the house for at least a few hours each week.

Terrimerritts...most illness is exasperated by stress and neglect of ones self...it has everything to do with her mother and the stress golfbhard is under. And the underhanded comment about how her mother cleaned her poop and messes is uncalled for. I really hate when someone tells someone, who is under tremendous stress and pain, that they have to put up with all the crap a care giver puts up with because our parent(s) did that for us. It is not the same. A baby's poop is much smaller than and adult and that little baby grows and begins to understand things...this is just not the same thing and that comment is very rude and uncaring. Stay on topic, which is helping golfbhard, not putting her on a guilt trip.

((((((((((((((((golfbhard))))))))))))) in the plane the oxygen goes to the caregiver (parent) before it goes to the child. You need some oxygen!

I am just recovering from an illness which started two years ago, (and has a 45% mortality rate) which coincided with increased needs and demands from mother. -even though I live 5 hrs drive way from her. I had to take a big step back. Respectfully I have to disagree with terrimerrits about certain diseases not being stress related. Asthma and allergies are, and are made worse by stress. They involve the immune system which is very affected by stress. Inflammation flares up with stress - this is mediated by the adrenal gland and stress hormones.

Please make some changes to help you. It sounds like you are going under. There is some excellent advice here. An unhealthy caregiver is not as good as a healthy caregiver. Your mum will get healthy caregivers in an NH.

Guilt causes do many of us to step into territory that we should not. Please let the guilt go. Your health is suffering seriously by the burden you have taken on. You love your mother, but that does not mean you have to be the one to change her diapers. I would think that her practice of "digging it out" and, no doubt, spreading it around, would be sufficient reason to move her out of your home, into a facility, if only for hygiene reasons, though there are more reasons than that.

Take care of you and let us know how you are doing. It sounds like you have a long road of recovery ahead for yourself
Joan ♥

I think you are a wonderful person.Remember how she used to clean your poop and messes? Stress can contribute to physical illness but some of the things you mentioned have nothing to do with stress and should be checked out.

You need to see your own doctor and explain your needs. Likely you need some meds yourself. Prilosec, taken with no breaks, can stop the stress from damaging your digestive system (my doctor has me on it daily.Asthma and Rhinitis and your sinus problems have nothing to do with your mom. These are related to allergies and internal respiratory problems and can be treated.

It seems to me that you need help and respite. You need to talk to your local Department of Human Services and your doctor about local resources that can help you get a babysitter for her or adult day care so you can rest and have some peace. You can also get free or reduced price counseling so do check into this with the social worker. Remember how she took care of you as a poopy, messy child and stay close to her. Maybe she felt the same way you do with 24/7 care of a young child. You are doing an excellent job! You just need some help and it is out there.

It is time to put your needs first. So much wonderful advise here.

It sounds like we are all wearing the same shoes in this matter. As we all know, being a "Care Giver" does require a huge amount of our attention. Yes, we all get to the point that "enough if enough". You don't need to have guilty feelings. Our parents don't like to think about moving into IL or AL. They are very much use to their independence. I have heard for several years, "The daughter becomes the mother and the mother becomes the daughter". Unfortunately, this is reality and part of life. Your mother may not realize the stress that has been laid upon you. Unfortunately, searches for inexpensive AL for the parent is not an easy task. If only we all lived in Europe, Care Givers would not experience all these hardships. Their government helps to take care of the elderly. Sad to say, unless an elderly parent is almost "broke" there seems to be almost no hope for them or us. It sounds urgent to me that you must take immediate steps to take care of this problem. I have heard so many happy stories where parents have stated that they are happy they made the decision to move to AL. I would like to highly suggest that you do an Internet research for AL in your area and go visit with them. These people are very happy to help you and give you suggestions. After you have found an AL that you believe your mother would be happy to live there, tell her in a loving way that you are taking her there. If you make arrangements, the two of you will be served a very nice "free" meal. My prayers and thoughts are with you. If you haven't done so yet, sit down and have a very good talk with God. He sees and hears you but you need to go to him and ask Him to help you. He is here for you.

cnsulliva...You've done so much for your mom and you've done it all while putting her needs and desires before your own. She couldn't ask for anything more from you. Now, it's time for you to stop listening to her words, because they're no longer expressing her needs. Boredom (there should be a stronger word for it) in the elderly can literally be deadly. Your mom needs to be with other people and you need to get your life back. Your mom is no different from most people in that she clings to the familiar and fears change. That's likely what she's expressing when she balks at the mention of a move to a senior community (maybe with a dose of emotional manipulation sprinkled in!). It may be time for you to assert your role as her guardian. Strongly insist that she give it a try. Do a little emotional coaxing yourself by telling her that you ask very little from her for all the care you've given and that she 'owes' you a bit of open-mindedness on this. Take her to see a few places. Call first and talk to someone at each community so they can be your ally during a tour. Be sure you have a friend to confide in and vent to during this stressful process

so glad for this site....i realize at times that i dont have it so bad but each day i realize that i ham reaching 'critical mass' in terms of caring for my 92 year old mother. she is physically healthy but short term memory is very bad. I am an only child and she moved in with me 3 years ago. we never really got along when i was growing up and now after 40 years of not living together why did i ever think it would work out now? she is controlling, manipulative, and narcissistic....but i thought i owed her this chance to live with me since she really couldnt live by herself any longer and i lived 5 hours away....in 3 years she has made no contacts here and she is suffering from terminal boredom. i live in a small town so there are few solutions here.....she will hardly let me out of her sight and wants to know where i am at all times. i am divorced with no children and i believe she thinks that since i dont have 'anyone else' to take care of 'I belong to her.' i still work as a teacher so this summer i have continually available to her....dont know what will happen when i return to school. she has started crying every time i leave the house without her....even for lunch with a friend, or to the veterniarian's office. I am sad and depressed....and (God forgive me) I dont think i even like her anymore. I have taken her out to dinner with friends and to church with me and tried to introduce her to people nearer her aige but she refuses to connect iwth anyone but me. Ah, the guilt, the anger, the 'should' and the fear of trying to do something different. This site helps but I am at a loss as to what to do. Whenever I mention that she might be happier someplace with folks of her own age and activities, she just says....'you'be been trying to get rid of me ever since i came here.'
it is hard for the only child with no other relatives who care or live nearby....
sostressed

She needs you as her loving daughter much more than she needs you cleaning up after her bowel movements. When you take your mom to a nursing facility, you'll be able to restore your own health and be there for her as her daughter, not her caretaker. There are people better skilled at that and places better prepared to handle the nasty turn her dementia has taken.

Yes, you can get sick phisically, emotionally, etc... ESPECIALLY if you're not only the caregiver, but the POA, and have to put up with deadbeat siblings who barely lift a finger to help (some of whom may have motives for not helping, if you stop and think about it!!). All combined, if can become very, VERRRRRRY stressful.

You have got to get help fast, you are going to be the one needing a nursing home if you don't. I have faced this with both my parents, my momhad a stroke and my husband and I took care of her for four months in our home, very hard, then my dad took care of her at home for three years. I would cook their food and take it to them, I would bathe mom and wash her hair. It got to the point that mom knew it was too much on dad so she asked me to pace heron the NH. She had been there for three monts for rehab. That was six years ago, she knows everybody there and loves going to activities. Now dad was a whole different story, he started showing signs of dementia about three years ago but progressed rapidly in the last year, he would go to the NH and visit mom he was even eating lunch with her everyday, they saw how he was declining and fed him. I begged dad to move in with mom "just until he was better" but he wouldn't budge. In feb. I found him in the bathroom floor where he had fallen we spent five days in the hospital and from there he went to the NH, my dad has always been controlling and headstrong and now he hardly speaks and doesn't know me ometimes. Your mom will do fine in a NH she my not like it at first but get her involved in activities help her make friends, you can still be the caregiver but only from a distance . You need to take care of yourself you can become sick from being a caregiver. I saw my dad go down while caring for mom. You have been a wonderful daughter for doing all you have done but now it is time to let someone else clean up the poop and you go have nice visits and then go home. Keep us posted. Hugs and more hugs coming your way.

golfbhard,
The answer to your question is yes. You can get sick from caring for an elderly, sick parent. Depression can make a person physically ill and certainly stress can, too. I was an energetic, healthy person before taking leave from my job and moving in with my mother to take care of her. Now, I have blinding migraines nearly every week that last three days. I ache all over. I have insomnia and sinus infections constantly and UTIs. Stress works in insidious ways.
Take care of yourself. Even if you don't have health insurance, there are counselors that you can see for nothing at some clinics. I think talking to a counselor would help you relieve some of your tension. Also, try meditation. But, most of all, it's time to get your mother into a nursing home. You've done all you can for her.

Menohardys daughter. I wish that I would have found this site sooner because it makes my life with my dad seem like a walk in the park compared to you Veteran Care Givers. I may sound cold hearted but if he ever behaved in the way golfbhard described I would not hesitate to put him in a nursing home. No apologies. No regrets. My childrens health and my health come first. Were I to become afflicted
with psychosis and hiding fecal material is psychotic behavior I would hope that someone would have the where-with-all to put me in a humane Nursing Home. Meno had a habit of pulling one strand of hair from the back of his head and looking at the follicle then dropping the hair to the floor. I noticed a bald spot and a clump of hair behind the head board and went to his Psychiatrist the very next day. Meno was bored and after a couple of sessions with his palliative care psychologist we decided to buy him a used microscope and he spends hours finding things small enough to put between slides that have been ground down so they have no sharp edges. Could it be your Mom is hiding fesces because she cannot hold her bowels and is ashamed? Can she make it to the bathroom un-assisted? When Meno has to go he has to go and I know his cycles so I change him in the early morning because he will not wait but thankfully he is or must be clean or he freaks out. After he is well awake he can do his business on his own but misses the bowel when he urinates so my husband showed him he can go just as easily sitting down. It was hilarious. We made it a family affair and I gave prizes to Meno and my husband. And my youngest potty trained 6 mos earlier than her siblings.
Hoping, cattails, RLP and the other poster-do you get counseling for yourselves? I do and I could not make it without it. Greenday777 I really synpathasize with you. Until I found this site I had no idea-no idea at all how traumatic all this is and where it can lead. I love my dad so much so I am making sure I know when it is time to let go, without guilt. When I frown more than I smile it is time to let go. I am not strong like the rest of you. Meno was given less than two years. I drew a hard line on that mark. I penciled in other marks such as hygiene. Abuse to me or my children. Non-compliance on a scale of 1 to 5. These were provided by his Psychologist and I will never forget that he said when we hold on to our problems find out why? Maybe it is because without them we have no purpose. Or maybe we will lose out financially. Or maybe we will feel guilty. None of those are valid reasons to live in a state of unhappiness.

Suzie,
I agree with them all. Start to visit nursing homes and pick one. It' time. If you're feeling guilty, you also have to understand that it's not only unhealthy for YOU to live this way, it's unhealthy for your Mom. My dad used sit in his soaked Depends and stuff them with paper towel, not change his clothes for a week, not bathe, (he'd say he did and put a wet towel in the hamper), and just generally be irritable because it was so hard for him to manage anything, walking, falling, eating etc... He's in a home now, but at least I know he is getting bathed, they make him change his clothes, they make him brush his teeth and so on. He's healthier and now I need to focus on getting me healthy while I still care for my Mom.

Go see a few homes. Hope you have POA. Forget about the money. Do it today.

Luv,
-SS

I'm in agreement with all of the above and more. I took care of my paralyzed husband for over 30 years and was broken most of the time without realizing it. When I started peeing in a bucket in my room at night rather than make a sound or movement to go the bathroom (he was hyper alert and would make demands if he so much as saw a shadow move in the night, so I wasn't sleeping much) I knew it was too much. Fortunately for us, we have been able to receive 24 hour care for him in our home through the county. Evidently they feel that is cheaper than a nursing home. But I beg, please take care of yourself. There were times I considered suicide also, but fortunately never let it get that far. Part of the problem was my mistaken notion that it was my lot in life and my duty to take care of all his needs and when it became too much I had a lot of guilt because I thought I "failed." No one can do what you are doing and it isn't fair to ask. You deserve to take care of yourself. It has taken me a long time to start feeling human again, but it is a nice place to be. Get counseling ifyou need to (I did) and start checking out nursing homes. You and your mom may both be glad you did.

You have to seek nursing home placement. You are killing yourself! It is not wrong to ask for help. It just about killed us to have to put my mom in nursing home, but there was no way I could take care of her at home and all siblings live out of town. I visited her almost everyday, took her food, washed her clothes, put her to bed at night. I spent as much time with her as I could and even though she didn't live with me, it still took its toll on me. Please, please talk to her doctor about nursing home placement. The one mom was in was good and they loved her and she loved them. I will keep you in my prayers.

I can relate totally mine is not that bad but I am caring for my parents 24/7 without any relief. My dad broke his hip over 4 years ago and won't try to get stronger so now he is really bedfast I sit him up and lay him down he is inot in pain but very needy as my mom waited on him hand and foot for many years. My mom now is showing signs of memory loss and other health problems but refuses to go to the doctor. If I force her it may cause a heart attac or something she hasn't been to the dr for 60 years and is not taking any meds or anything she is 89 my home is about 1/4 mile away but I only get to go home a couple times a day for about an hour. They refuse to move their trailer next to my house so i could be home and take care of them too. They own the land next to ours so it would be on their property. They could hire help but I would have to be there when the help was so why pay the money out. I am loseing my patience with them and they don't understand that I am burn out. If i put them in the NH I really don't think they would last. My brother who is the good child in their eyes would put them there in a heartbeat. I know it is natural the caregiver somethimes is the bad guy .My husband is being good for he doesn't want them to move in with us and they wouldn't, They stayed with us about 3 months after their house burn about 10 years ago. I do laundry alot too and my hands are rough from washung so much. i don't smile much anymore. Looks like there should be an easier way. I have a garden in their back yard and sometimes that is my only relief. I also got some chickens since I can't go anywhere. I have helped them throught the years and they have helped me but they are so set in their ways that they will not bend. i know my mom needs help but she refuses so I just take everything a day at a time and am trying to live throught this. I don't want anything to happen to them and would love to have them around alot longer but I am very weary. I know when it is over I will be lost . Wishing you well and please take care of your self I know it is harder to do then said. This is a good site. Take care everyone.

Golfbhard: No one could ask for a kinder, more loving daughter than the one you have been to your mom. I feel the emotional pain you feel about placing your mom, but your body needs the stress to reduce so it can heal.

We are in the process of placing my dad in NH care. It's a sad decision to make, but I have to accept that the time has come for my husband and I to focus on our well being. If we don't, I can see some serious health issues coming our way.

If it's helpful to you, you can go to Medicare. gov and at the top of the page is a heading called Resource Locator with a pull down menu. Click on Nursing Homes Compare. You can put in your zip code and a mile radius and all NH's in that vicinity will come up for your review. They are rated per the evaluations Medicare does annually. Problems and deficiencies are noted.

We have an obligation ourselves, our spouses, children and grandchildren to take care of ourselves. It's so easy to put ourselves last. My husband worries about my health and I worry about his. He's such a good man and he has been right by my side for the past 7 years of caring for my parents. But, as you know, the years take a toll and we have to have the wisdom to know when we have done our best and reached our limit. We can still love them and be their advocates, but the day in day out hands on work needs to be passed on to others.

I feel sad and guilty. I feel like I'm letting my dad down and it makes me angry at myself that I feel all these things. Still, I know in some part of me that I have reached my limit and my husband has too. So we are moving forward.

I wish you comfort. Sending love and hugs, Cattails

You are not wrong or bad. Just know that you have reached your point of strength where you need to look after yourself for awhile. You will be of no use to anyone if you do not. I speak as one who has been there and done that. Nursing Homes are trying to change their structure and create a different atmosphere. Visit a few. Your mother sounds like mine in that they want control. Sometimes our bodies take over that control and choices are different than what we want. Please take care of yourself. You are not alone.

Dear golfbhard,
You have been so wonderful.....and now it is time to begin caring for yourself again and enjoying life. As 3pinkroses states, NHS are not all so bad....my mother just entered one. Hon, after a year of caring 24/7 and having ONE day off when my sister bestowed some help, I broke. 2 sisters, and only one day off in one year.....and asking constantly for a break. I just lost it....my happiness, my thought process, my warmness, my sense of humor, etc. I attempted suicide and flatlined. Apparently, that was enough to get my sister, who is POA, to "believe me" and get mom into a NH.
Please don't let it get that bad. Please.

What a wonderful, loving daughter you are and from what you said, you have always been close to your Mom. You can absolutely get physically and emotionally sick from caretaking and this is not good. I think it is a sign that perhaps things need to change and Mom needs the care of a nursing home. You could manage her care from there and you could get back on your feet.

All nursing homes are not bad places as so many think or visualize. My mother is living in a NH and it is working out well. With what monies she has left, you could pay the NH and then apply for medicaid as funds run out. Taking care of our parents includes taking care of them in a NH as well as home. Also, taking care of yourself is vital. Your mom would want you to be happy. If something worse happens to you due to stress (and this is a realistic possibility), who will take care of Mom? Hope this helps and being proactive just might give you piece of mind as well. Hugs and hugs to you and take care.