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I'm sorry to hear that your wife is declining mentally at such a young age. These behaviors are not uncommon with dementia. First talk to her doctor. If her doctor is not a geriatric specialist, it's best to change to a geriatric doctor. Talk to her doctor about medications to calm her down. Maybe you can do this while also trying to get her UTI under control. Be sure that you have locked up all sharp instruments (knives, scissors, etc.). You say that you are afraid of her. It is my personal belief that people shouldn't have to live with someone they are afraid of. Look into placing her in a memory care unit. They are staffed with professionals who know how to handle people like your wife. In the meantime, you may want to lock the kitchen door so that she won't use the stove. There are ways to set up alarm systems if she leaves the premises. She'd have to wear a tracking bracelet or anklet. Even if she is in a facility, you should visit her when you can to make sure that her care is correct and sufficient. The staff there may also be able to advise you on what courses to pursue to calm her down.
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I was there last month and your story parallels my own. I sympathize with you. Same situation, with the aggression, hallucinations, mixing up the past and fearing for my parents Yorkie (can you believe it??) pup. When she attacked my dad physically (I was there at the time) I called 911. She was extremely angry but went begrudgingly. After running tests and eliminating infections she was transferred to a geriatric pysch unit. It took twenty days of tweaking meds to get the correct dose to control aggressions and hallucinations. She came back home a different person. Much calmer, more complacent, but her dementia became worse. The trade off was well worth it.

The drug of choice was Resperidone (given three times daily) and Aricept before bedtime. She was diagnosed with Vascular Dementia.

Please don't wait until you or your son are hurt. Dementia makes people irrational as their reasoning skills are destroyed. They believe the hallucinations are real and will act out accordingly. They can gather up enough strength to do serious harm. You are not cruel to do what is necessary to save yourself and your family.
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97yroldmom Jan 2022
Abby
Thanks for the update on your mom. So glad her meds are better managed now.
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creque: Your wife needs to be housed in facility living posthaste as she has physically struck you a few times already as well as threatening bizarre actions such as jumping out of a moving vehicle, possessing a knife and other horrific, scary things. Also, since three days have elapsed since your original post, I am VERY concerned for your welfare, knowing that you stated that her dementia has turned her into a violent individual. Please come back and give every wonderful individual on this thread an update - that YOU are safe and you have moved forward with a plan to your dilemma. Of PARAMOUNT importance is for you to take action immediately for your own safety!
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It feels like you’re walking on eggshells. Don’t know what to say or do being scared you will set her off. I know exactly what you are going through. My mother in law acts the same way. Some things on your list describes my mother in law. She lives with my husband and I. The only facility we can get her in on her Medicare has her on a waiting list. I work as a preschool teacher and she goes to an adult daycare then home with my husband until I get off. She has hit, kicked, scratched used foul language, accused him of running around on her, calling me the other woman. She has hit me and thrown things at me. We have put all sharp items away fearing for our safety. We have called 911 only for the hospital to release her to come home. We need help! We’re trying to get her on Medicaid with a hospice nurse and doctor helping but there are certain guidelines. We are emotionally and physically distraught. I pray you get the help you need for her and us to get the help we need for my mother in law as well. This is a horrible disease!
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creque—please come back and update us. We are worried and concerned for YOU AND YOUR SONS SAFETY!! The people on this forum are the most caring individuals (for the most part) and we are sure concerned for you. Liz
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No response from OP. Hmm...was this legitimate?
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You need to call 911 and say she’s a threat to herself and you. When they arrive say you want her brought to the hospital for evaluation. Medicare will pay for 30 days and the case manager can get the ball rolling for placement right from the hospital. She needs to be placed for YOUR safety and HERS. Don’t bring her back home… you can no longer provide what she needs. You can still visit her and be her husband rather than the stranger she thinks you are. Best of luck. This is a rough situation and no one is safe. Don’t wait till it’s too late. 💜
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If you've already tried anti-psychotic drugs then i would advise cannabis in pill forms until you figure out a long term plan. My mom is older but was very aggressive verbally and physically. I'd hire care givers to help but they would quit when she got abusive. I tried different dosages until I got positive results. She can still be mean and talks about her hallucinations but she's not trying to leave the house or hurting anyone any more. If you're in a state that permits it legally I suggest either Papa&Barkley or CareByDesign gel pills. Start on low THC high CBD until you get it right. If she's on any blood thinners you will need to monitor that as well when on THC products.
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BurntCaregiver Feb 2022
luaneZ,

With all due respect to you, marijuana is not what the poster's wife needs.
What happens if the poster's wife does not have the desired relax and chill reaction from the pot?
What if she has the other reaction that so many people also get from marijuana products? The extreme paranoia and increased delusions? The poster really can't just put on some Grateful Dead music and put his wife to bed with a water bottle and a bag of chips to sleep it off.
The poster's wife is a danger to herself and others. She needs to be in a care facility where a professional staff can meet her needs in an environment that's safe for everyone.
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Your wife has advanced dementia and from the behaviors you're describing here is a danger to herself and others. You do not feel safe in your own house with her there because it isn't safe. A person with dementia who is physically healthy and still mobile can be very dangerous. It's time for care facility placement for your wife.
Sometimes caring for a person at home is not possible even with support and outside caregiving services. Your wife needs to be in a secured memory care facility being cared for by a professional staff.
I speak from experience because I've done in-home elder care for almost 25 years and have worked for families whose 'loved ones' should have been in memory care because home was unsafe for them and the people they lived with.
I had many clients like your wife and always quit those clients early on. I remember one that really stands out. I worked for an elderly man with Alzheimer's who lived with his son and DIL. They both worked and needed care during the day for him. He was in robust health physically, still mobile, but his mind was shot.
His son and DIL weren't truthful about just how out of it, paranoid, and violent he was. The agency I was working for wasn't truthful either.
To make a long story short he was flipping out from some delusion during my shift and took a swing at me. I didn't duck in time and he broke my nose.
The family and my care agency got sued hard by me. I came out with a very nice settlement from both sides and it was well deserved. I've had two surgeries to put my nose right. It looks fine, but it's not.
This will happen to you and your family or worse if you to keep your wife at home. She is dangerous. Please for your own sake as well as hers, find a memory care facility to put her in.
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If at anytime she becomes violent you call 911.
Tell them that the person has dementia and is getting violent and that you are afraid you will get hurt or she will harm herself.
(Please stress that your wife has dementia and she does not know what she is doing.)
Once they get her to the hospital you need to discuss with the Hospital Social Worker that you can no longer care for her, she is not safe in the house, you are not safe with her.
Hopefully they will admit her and work on finding the right medications that will relieve her anxiety and delusions, hallucinations.
You also need to make sure the doctor (s) has an accurate diagnosis. Some forms of dementia present with more violent traits than others. Lewy Body Dementia is one and there are some medications that are normally given for anxiety that can NOT be given to someone with LBD. If this is the type of dementia she has please inform the medical staff before any medication is given.
Placement in Memory Care would be ideal but the anxiety, hallucinations, delusions should be under control.
((hugs)) Take care of yourself!
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This is almost exactly what my daddy did to us except he saw most things from position of Vietnam . Scarrrry. I’ve never been scared of daddy as an adult until close to end of 2020. Call ambulance ,take to ER to get a 72 hour hold to evaluate. ( If you have access and spouse benefits to VA hospital, then they have been the best and excellent source here. They literally walked me through every step and had a personal SW for me to contact .Everyday, they would give me updates. . Once evaluation is completed, then hospital should contact or give you info on a service called “A Place for Mom”. It has people who will gather info and give you list of best places to place your loved one. You are in my prayers. It’s very hard.
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