Can I expect my 87-year-old mother-in-law to help with chores around the house?

There are many good pieces of advice already given. But from my own experience it is better to stay as mobile as possible, because that will in the end gives most people a better quality of life. My father was taken (not my choice) and was having everything done for him. He developed a knee that was very painful and he could not almost walk. When I got him back, we went to PT and massage and they both said, his was a case of not doing much and sitting around. Obviously we have to take into account health in general, saftey etc. But remember the old adage " if you do not use it, you lose it".

I think everyone so far has given excellent advise! Yes, it depends on her health, mobility, etc.

As long as she can still carry out tasks and keep safe while doing so, by all means, she should be invited and encouraged to participate!

You and your wife will need to discuss what you may feel she could participate in, and encourage her/re-enforce your collective desire for her to feel at home, because she is part of the family.

These activities will for sure keep her anchored in day-to-day activities and over time help her as she continues to deal with depression, grief and loss of her spouse, her home, as a whole - her own independent way of life that has come to an end.

Keep us posted! All the best to all your family!

Remember ,you may have to modify your idea of safety! Due to the fact that my father has had a closed head injury, he will ALWAYS be a fall risk. So that being said, you must weigh what in the end will be the most beneficial and give the greatest quality of life. Many times it is best to have several disciplines involved in the decision. And as already advised, the individuals involved in the home or care have to be on the same page! But sometimes you have to go out on a limb, with your best gut instinct.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

From my experience moving into someone else's home (I am not elderly)........I felt out of place and in the way........I didn't want to intrude, I didn't know the family routine......I didn't know what was expected, was I supposed to spend most of my time in my room so I didn't interfere in their family life, or was I supposed to plop myself down on the couch at night and watch tv or play wII with the kids.,,,
, I asked how I could help, how I could contribute, and they usually said "nothing",...I didn't want to offend them by recleaning their house but I didn't want to be lazy and useless........ was I supposed to give them money for groceries or was I supposed to buy my own favorites.......I didn't want to be sitting on the couch when they wanted some privacy for snuggling........ I wanted to help with the small children, but it was clear that my way was different from their way, and I wanted to respect their way..............If the family went out to dinner was I automatically expected to go, too, or was I supposed to wait for an invitation.........if they spent Thanksgiving at the other in-laws home, was I automatically included or was I supposed to give them that time alone............
.And, selfishly, I liked my old life, I liked my own home, my own couch, my own kitchen, I didn't always like working around other people, and I sure didn't like feeling obligated or beholding to others. I didn't know the neighborhood so I didn't know if it was safe to go for a walk by myself. ..........I hated some of the tv shows they watched, I did not always enjoy it when my grandchildren woke me up at 6am (occasionally it is cute, not so cute every day), I did not like sharing a bathroom...........
But, it wasn't right or fair for me to fuss about those things, it was their home and I was grateful that they gave me a room........
.I was very happy to have a place to stay, I was very happy to be around my child and my grandchildren, but my husband had died, I was recovering from chemotherapy and I was dealing with lots of emotions and changes and just plain didn't know what to do or what to say. I didn't know what my life was going to be like anymore.........
.So maybe these are some of the things going thru your MIL's head.

Thank you for being able to spill out your feeling, with such honesty. I don't consider myself a senior either, although I have been on disability for more than 5 years. I was a very active person, and yet you feel as though people think you "LIKE" your "new" life. I HATE IT!!!!! I would rather be at work and keep moving. I do the best I can, but it is very frustrating, not knowing how well your body will cooperate! I would rather die, than move out of my house!!! There I said it. And we are not in our 70's or 80's! I can only imagine, it must be even worse at that age. We all need to give the other "guy" the benefit of the doubt.

I am not a senior either but I just buried my father and have been taking care of him in his home for some time and my grandfathers before that and great great grandfathers before that. He was the first to die outside of this home. I knew his wishes were to die in the home but in the end I did not listen to the years of preparation or keep my promises to him that he could pass with his loved ones around him and I subjected him to one final humiliation; watched them strip him of his clothes, insert a needled in his arm and put him in a chemically induced coma on a ventilator. No reason. He was dying and the stuffed teddy bear I brought him was thrown away, stolen or lost in the night-he slept with that bear for 3 years thinking it was his pal or one of his children. A comfort for sure. His wish was to kiss his son one last time and his other daughter but he was in a coma before he could do that. Why I asked his doctors? Why didn't you send him home to die the way he wanted. Well you see,it was the weekend...
Thank you oldcodger, and for all of you who wrote on this forum asking about Menohardy earlier I apologize for not getting back to you sooner but so much was going on and my tears kept blinding me.
My siblings are now pointing the finger at me for calling the paramedics. I only was trying to save his life because they changed his medication. I had no idea I wouldn't be able to get him out of the hospital.
Having said that I am more determined to be a better caregiver and to treat my patients with dignity and stop trying to pull them in my world and live in theirs. My dads nickname was Hardy. He was a powerfully strong man, saved countless lives as a door gunner in Vietnam and served in both Iraq wars with distinction.
he named himself menohardy when one of his buddies came by and said you are still the man Hardy and he said no-me no Hardy anymore and it just sort of stuck-if you asked him something like would you want something he's say me no want. So he want from Hardy to Meno-angry I'd call him mean-o and when he died i cried me-no want you to die. I did fall asleep holding his hand and he fell into eternity holding mine. But I did betray him because he was not aware that I was there crying over him. Because of his age and condition I watched how little was done for him in a hospital setting. Watched as the nurses huddled up snacking on their diet foods and diet drinks wearing their cute little designer tennis shoes and their scrubs with their name tags turned backwards so you couldn't read their names and ask why they had bear claw i fingernails (of their superiors) and that patronizing head nurse who told me "we, must be patient...I tried your fathers doctors once and that should be adequate, so lets just stay calm-Okie dokie?
I wanted to slap her. Then at 11 am I am sitting in my chair and felt my dads hand-it was cold. I dozed off and he was gone and his alarm was going off and the nurses were still huddled up talking about some nonsense-probably a love interest. I hoollered and one of them looked at me and kind of rolled her eyes and I said I think my dad is gone is gone and she said no-those monitors do that if a lead comes off then-oh, gollie, you are right-he is gone...when did the alarm begin? I said I didn't know I dozed off-she wrote on his chart time of death 11:03 am. But it was sooner-it was when I had him taken out of his home as he wanted.
So why is it we do what is convenient for us as caregivers and not the patient.?
How is it that we can take them into our homes or live in theirs and because they are frail or mentally unstable we treat them with diminished respect and do not go by their wishes that they set out in stone before they became incapacitated?
I visited nursing homes and hospices. I went to a small setting Hospice where the woman had religious decor everywhere and wanted to charge $2300 a week and she had a pastor that comes in once a week and she knew all the caregivers in the area and even could get me a cut rate with the undertaker-Wooo-weee-sounds like a nice place to die-flat on your back surrounded by strangers and death hanging in the air. We can take care of our own. If not we can hire a caregiver to come to our home. If he or she was your child would you put them in a home because they were confused? babies aren't confused they are babies and the elderly are not confused they are elderly. Whats the difference? Convenience. Selfish convenience. Bigger diapers, bigger messes, bigger responsibilities-but we owe them bigger effort-when they cuss you they do not mean it. When they look hateful they do not mean it. I'm sorry-this is so dis jointed. I am still in shock I think. I let my dad down just as we let our mother down and we vowed never to do it again.
My dad-Meno was given a military funeral service then cremated and sleeps with my mother on Copano Bay where he kept our boat-where he used to laugh and say all three of his children were concieved! And when I was a smart ass teen I'd say well-at least you did it 3 times in your old life-now we gather for the reading of his will and the government will get it's share and the fish will get their share. I only want my Hardy Dad back...

Menohardy - In my case, although my dad had always said he wanted to die in his own home, he kept wanting to go to the hospital. Hospice nurse said she thought it was because that was a safe place for him and he was afraid - afraid of dying. I made the decision, because of his confusion and agitation, to discontinue his heart medications. He died 5 days later. Was it because he wasn't getting those meds anymore? Who knows. Hospice nurse felt his agitation was terminal agitation and that was going on for 2 weeks before I stopped his medications. You, as I, did the BEST we could given the circumstances. We can always go back and question why we did what we did but as they say, hind sight is 20/20. It sounds like your dad was very comfortable. So was mine. That's the best gift we could give to them whether it be in a hospital or in their home. Hugs ~ Kuli

Meno hardy daughter..hope you come back. You sour dad gave all he had and you gave him everything you and your love. God bless

Sorry wish I could have deleted the misspelled words..meno hardys daughter..it was supposed to say you you gave dad the best. The grief must be so overwhelming. You did your best and was only trying to help save him. You had no idea this was the end. The doctors should be ashamed! And the nurses kicked out for lack of compassion. And they took away his bear. You are loved and prayed for. Try to let go of the guilt you're suffering through. We are here for you. We saw how much you love your dad and all he gave back and then to give us his presence.

I have my mom wipe the dining-room table before and after meals. It helps her to feel that she's contributing something to the preparation and clean up at that meals. Cooking use to be something she was very fond of doing and took great pride in (I miss her chicken noodle soup), so this helps a little.

Menohardy's daughter -thank you so much for your comments and I am so glad you shearded with us your feelings and hope you continue being here-you will be valueable to this group-I stayed after my husband died as did a lot of others-and I and some other former caregivers go to a cargivers support group at our senior center.

HUGS AGAIN. This is a difficult change in any one's life. And you are blaming yourself for a decision you made, at a time when you felt it was the best one. LIFE IS NOT FAIR!! My belief is that one day soon that will all change, when the Lord returns to take home those who loved Him and have gone to sleep before us and those of us still alive and love Him. I believe that you are still very much in shock and grieving and probably depressed. Some of this is "very normal" and expected. But if it continues to the point where you are unable to care for yourself or those that are dependent on you, then I think it may be time to go for help, with the depression. Remember that there is the IDEAL and then there is the REAL!!!
Sometimes our expectations are noble, but not realistic. Sometimes we need to sit back and reevaluate. Sometimes we just need to let go, and let God lead us. But being human, we all need that human support and guidance from time to time. That does not mean you are INCAPABLE. It just means that you are trying to survive through this crisis! Blessings.

My Dad is 81 years, he helps me with the dogs and the chickens. Even if he lets the dogs out 10 in 30 minutes I look at it as exercise. The dogs just go in and out. He always closes the door on my front load washer which I have asked him hundreds of times to leave the door cracked. He feeds our chickens but forget to let them out so back he goes, there again its exercise. At night he checks and makes sure the chicken are closed 3-4 times before he goes to bed so I have started to wait to go to bed when he does so I can tell him he already checked them. He opens the gate when we go out and closes it and tells me "Now I know how you girls feel." Because we always opened the gate. He turns the ceiling fan off every time he get up and I just go behind him and turn them back on. This really annoys my husband but oh well. My Dad walks all the way back to our bathroom, when his is closer. This too annoys my husband, he claims we have no privacy. Plus you have to check the toilet because my Dad's aim isn't very good. There again, I tell him oh well. We live in My Dad home so he can use whatever toilet he wants as far as I'm concerned. We really needed to move for the job market really sucked. My husband now has a job he really loves but has to drive 1 hr. each way to get there. This annoys him also. It was my idea to move here to care for my Dad because we did for my husbands parents. We use to drove 6 hrs one way every weekend, even though my brother in law and sister in law lived near by. Go figure. I really try to look at everything on the positive side but it sure can be difficult at times. My Dad tries to be helpful, and sure I have to sometimes go behind him and fix or clean-up behind him, the point is he tried, instead of just sitting in his recliner and exercising his finger on the remote control which I usually have to help him with most of the time, just too many buttons. Even little things they can do ( set the table, fold socks, etc.) let them, don't forget the exercise. :)

That depends on her health and ability. She might be one of those ladies who needs to help take care of others and feel needed and this is a chance for her to do that. If you have kids, she might enjoy keeping them occupied. On the other hand, if her health is poor or she is wracked with arthritis or has dementia, she might be able. When my grandmother first had Alzheimer's and we moved her in, she used to help clean the bird cages, play with them while they were free-flying, help (supervised) with cooking, and loved to work in the flower and veggie gardens. Later, she lost the ability to do most of that and then was bedridden.

I feel for your mother in law and her loss. Thank her for taking her in.

Yes, when the elderly feel they have contributed it makes them feel better. I asked my MIL if she could fold wash clothes for me because that is all she could really do physically, she loved it because she felt she was helping. If your MIL is still i mourning she may not have energy to do too much...but I bet if she is mentally ok (meaning no alzhemiers, etc) then have a conversation with her and let her know that this is her home too and make her feel very welcome...and add into the conversation, "mom do not feel you have to ask for anything, if you are hungry or you see something you want to do around the house, then please do as you would as if it were your own home, you do not have to ask just be yourself and do what makes you feel good and comfortable." Having said it in that kind of manner will eventually make her feel at ease and she will eventually feel comfortable enough to do what she is capable of...Sometimes you may need to say things like, mom would you mind helping me fold laundry, or would you mind helping me...that way you are asking for her help in a way that makes her feel like she is helping you and she will feel good about the living situation in due time...but do not ever say you have to do this...That may deepen her felings of loss and usefulness...go slowly and you will be amazed at how much elderly rally do feel better when they still feel needed..One other suggestion...if she can still cook etc, say things like mom how do you make that wonderful chicken recipe, I can not quite get it down pat...she may just take over to show you how she does it...I hope this makes since and helps you...HUGS

One other thing I would like to add..If there is any way that you can make a room that is JUST hers, that will make her more comfortable especially if you can get some of the things she misses and put them in HER room..anything of hers..then it will help. We no longer have my MIL living with us, but when she was here, we only had a dining room that could be hers, I amazed myself when I was able to let my things go out in storage and set the room up like a little apartment for her, with her own t.v. and her personal things, I even was able to make a curtain to seperate the dining area from the other parts of the house and it really did turn out well for her, she became more independent and was very happy when I told her to consider this her own apartment and she was happier and she had her pictures set around and things she liked...It was also good for my husband and myself too...we all had some privacy with a content MIL...Good luck...but if she continues to be depressed...get her to a doctor so she can at least start to feel better mentally...elderly get depressed and it can make them go down hill faster...If you see her mental state getting worse, I found out when I had my MIL that it also can be urinary or even a sinus infection that can make it seem as though she alzheimers or a stroke...so keep an eye out for any changes...it could be as simple as getting an antibiotic to bring her mind back...may sound crazy...but it is true...I learned from the doctor that a simple Urinary Tract Infection can cause alot of mental issues in the elderly....so just take care and try to learn as much as you can about things you see or hear her do and you will make all of your lives better..God Bless

Lots of helpful pointers here. I support the idea of falling back on interests cultivated over the years. Perhaps there may be a way to trigger something.

Have her snip off some green beans out back

Or course you can expect that. Unless, of course, she has certain medical and physical limitations that prevent her from doing so.
She needs to feel useful as we all do. Your question seems somewhat loaded with something unsaid. Are you feeling somewhat put upon or taken advantage of? It is ok to say how you feel; you need to do that in order to get past it and do something constructive to change it. How DO you feel about her being there?

I am living with my mom who is 79. She contributes by doing the laundry. She enjoys working in the yard. I have been trying to get her to help with cleaning up the house and I always get in a fight. She thinks that I am saying that she is not doing enough and she will bring up that she raised three kids, worked full time job and took care of a home. Since it is just me, I was trying to get us to work together. She is not willing to work together with me to make the load easier. I do agree with you that love is important to fill her life with. She definitely needs it.

If she is doing the laundry and working in the yard what more do you expect from her-I am 72 and the laundry and working in the yard would be enough for me to handle in a day-maybe she works better by herself.

If she is able to do thing yes i would for sure give her something to do like dishes or the wash. Even if she could push the vacuum I would let her do that as well. Because she has been doing these thing all her life and now she might feel like she lost everything now. So I know after my dad died my mom did the same thing she felt lost so we gave her things to do like taking the kids to school and it helped us and made her feel good. So I would say yes yes yes to give her a job.

I would ask her what she would like to help with. My Mom at 84 was still doing my dishes, ironing my husbands shirts and folding clothes, and hanging up clothes on the clothes line. These are things she always did at home. I still tease her that if she gets bored in the nursing home, I am going to bring in the ironing board and shirts, and give her something to do. :-) Even with Alzheimers, they want something to do. No matter how old they are, they want to feel needed, give her something to do.......

Keeping her busy might help.
Ask her if she will help you fold clothes while you reminisce good old times.
Talking about those times and laughing (and maybe crying) is what she needs.
Do things together. Do you like to bake? maybe she will ice the cake. Or ask her for her favorite recipes. If she has friends/siblings, invite them over for coffee.
She if probably just feeling lonely. Good luck

My mother is 85 and contributes what she feels she can. She has some health issues but not major. She usually empties the dishwasher and the laundry. If your mother-in-law is able, ask her to help - it will do two things - make her feel useful and also will help learn how things are done in your house - such as where things go. It is VERY important to make our older parents feel useful and not like they are a burden!

Had to share this reminded me of a cute story that happened at the nursing home where I work. A restless woman with dementia was up all night and causing a scene. We asked her if she could please help us "fold towels" for the others living there. She happily agreed. When she finished we would take them behind the counter unfold them and give them back to her since it was keeping her occupied. Finally after the 3rd time we handed her the stack she yelled at us "aren't you LAZY girls gonna do ANYTHING". Just priceless.

Yes, it looks like everyone here agrees with me, encourage her to help. Also, ask her to put together memories of her husband. Maybe even interview her about him. I'm sure she would like to talk about him. On the other hand, my mom wanted to get rid of my dad's things and live in the moment after he passed away. She let us know that pretty quickly. She got all of the kids to try on his jackets. If they weren't interested, out the clothes went to Goodwill. Ask her what she wants to do. Ask her to help. Give her things to do and at times, let her have a list and let it go. Once in a while ask her if she did the things on the list. My 92 yr old mom is managing a huge garden overhaul, she ordered a lock smith for one of her doors and reviewed the details of a big list of car repairs with the mechanic. I think it's really important to assume the best and just keep a small eye to what might go wrong, but really give them as much responsibility as they will assume. They could be tremendously helpful and happy to do it! It will give you something to compliment and maybe even some laughs. (I mean we might not always like Joan Rivers humor, but boy is she out there living life fully!!) There are many examples of people who take off after the loss of a spouse. We say the women who do that blossom!

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Depends on how agile she is and does she want too? Sometimes mom wants to help and other times, no dice. She squirted dish liquid in my dishwasher, so I did ban her from that. You sort of just always have to be watching. As mentioned before, folding clothes is fine and she is good at it. Good luck!

Something that has helped my mother in the past is being with other older adults at senior programs. She then thinks of them as old, and finds common ground with them. Mom is an old 78, mostly because of environment, grief from losing a son to cancer at a young age, and living with an emotionally abusive husband who's gotten softer at age 81 with his own health issues. So, if possible, it may help lift her depression to see that she's not alone in her journey.