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Ok. Same situation, but my MIL wants us to do everything - her way. I suppose she feels her contribution is telling us that we are doing it wrong. This is driving me crazy. I try not letting it get to me, but when it happens multiple times a day, and the advice is mostly nonsense, it gets on my nerves. For example, her bread has to be cut and toasted a certain way, her laundry must be done a certain way, we run the dishwasher wrong, and on and on and on. Maybe giving her something to do would help.
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I think we are so lucky to have our senior center and everyone there mostly make friends with others so they are not alone.
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Mywits end would ignoring her doing any good or just calmly saying if you are doing something for her you will do it her way or maybe not doing what she critizises you about and let her do it herself-she needs boundaires-you should not be going crazy in your own home start with baby steps and if she can do a chore herself lke doing her own laundry let her-where is your husband in all of this-mine always supported his dear mother who was a witch but she never was brought into our home if she had I would have been out guickly. She loved to argue so I never got into that with her just ignored her.
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Your last sentence is why I have ignored her thus far. She would argue the color of the sky. Witch is a very diplomatic word. My husband supports me. We are both just struggling on the boundary thing. I think I will politely suggest some of these things she can do herself. I am also stopping the wild goose chases she sends us on. She is very particular. I have been to multiple stores to get the exact brand she wants. This weekend I got a blanket she wanted that was exactly the brand/ store she asked for, only to have her reject it as the wrong color. I did not react and left it for her. She can be cold or she can use the blanket I bought. We are not a hotel.
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I agree that folding laundry is the best way to get her engaged. If you bring the laundry to them and they can do it sitting down it isn't as much of a burden on them. Just accept the job she does and let her take as much time as she needs to do it. My mom is methodical, it takes her forever!!! She folds shirts, I hang them but that's okay, I wait until she is done and then hang them up after she has focused on something else.

I also have purchased a dust mop which is hers to use on our wood floors. Whenever she asks can I do something I hand her the dust mop and she does the job!!!

This keeps her out of my hair and allows her to feel useful.
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If she has been physically capable of doing things prior to the loss, it probably has a good deal to do with it that she is not motivated. Maybe to begin with, try taking together and tell her how you appreciate her help as it is hard for you too.....
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Does your mother-in-law have any physical limits? If so, then you have to start from there. Is she in a wheelchair? Does she still drive or like to drive to run errands? She can get the mail (in good weather...no snow or ice), help prepare meals and meal planning, grocery shopping (they have electric carts w/baskets attached), vacuuming (no stairs), dusting w/a long handled duster, doing laundry (again no stairs to basement). Just simple things to help out around the house. After all she is 87....how much work do you want out of her??? Remember with age comes experience and rank hath its privileges so elderly people are good "supervisors" of all household projects!!!
Ask your mother-in-law what SHE would like to do and then make up a schedule accordingly.
Plan family outings to a favorite restrauant, sports event, movie theater, zoo, ballet etc. Maybe something you all haven't done in awhile. Fun experiences = good memories.
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Yes, but with her condition you will have to be selective of what she can and cannot do.
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My mom loves to sweep our deck and driveway. Autumn is a great time because she constantly keeps the leaves and acorns swept up. Its great exercise and she gets fresh air. She is is moderately good shape, so I try to leave certain things undone around the house so she can do them. She irons my work uniforms, goes to the end of the driveway to get the mail from the mailbox, and feeds/ waters our animals. I used to be afraid for her to do the outside work because of chance of falling, etc. Somewhere along the way I figured out that she is so much happier when doing something, we don't deny her this. We just try to keep a close eye on her while she is doing her work!
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I don't believe that you should expect unless she is willing to help at her age.
It would be good therapy for her to participate to some degree but she will most definately need your encouragement, patience & praise when she does help.
Most Seniors are very fragile & do need respect .
After all, remember she lived her life doing for others.
Best wishes.
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My mom is in the middle of her battle with ALZ. Diagnosed in 2008. Her short term memory is about 3 seconds most of the time. She is physically able to do a lot. She herself has always been a caregiver and helper to anyone in her family that needed anything. She took care of her dad his last years, her MIL with ALZ, and her husband with pancreatic cancer up till the end. I remember her as always being strong, smart and capable. I know down deep she still thinks she is that person although she also knows she has lost a lot. She has lived with us now for 5 months, and I think taking one day at a time I have learned that anything my hubby and I can do to make her feel that she is still valued and needed is just giving back to her part of what she has lost. During the summer she helped with the outside gardening and weeding( she kept her own yard like a park). She always asks what can I do to help? I wash the clothes and she is the best folder ever. Sometimes she doesn't even recognize her own clothes but we get them in piles and she takes hers to her room
( sometimes they are hard to find again) but she has a sense of pride in doing her part. She goes to adult day care 2 or 3 times a week to give us a break and to give her something else to do. She hated it at first but when I told them that she would be happier if she thought she was helping someone else she would thrive. They put her to work. Now she works in the room with physically handicapped stroke victims and helps them get through the games and activities that they have. She thinks she now has a job (she tells us they want to hire her) and it has done wonders for her self esteem. Imagine how we would all feel without purpose or love, it is not enough to just have our needs met... it would be boring wouldn't it? I always explain to my 7 grown kids this when they complain about having to tell their children over and over again how to do a chore. "That is what a being a parent requires of you, 'Respectfully" repeat, reteach the principal till they get it and be "thankful" to them even if it is not perfect because they tried. Then when they are grown up (if you are lucky) they do it just like you taught them to and you are so surprised and gratified. Having a parent in your home is much like having a child to raise again, and you should aready know how to do it if you did it once shouldn't you? Be respectful, of your parent,always thankful and enjoy some of the funny stuff cause there is always lots of that. They are going to get frustrated and frazzled and confused and yes even angry. We may be looking at ourselves down the road so lets hope whoever gets us will do as good of a job with us as we do with our loved one.
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Seven4real- your insight is really helpful. My MIL does ask often what she can do to help. I do think giving her things to do would be good. My issue is her insistence that EVERYTHING be done her way. She is not a nice or positive person and is very demanding. Her mood does improve if she has something to do. But, she will also completely takeover if you are not careful. For example, she wanted to clean the counters and the stoce. That is great, and she did a good job. Butt, in addition, she then rearranged our cupboards and where things go. I have been just quietly moving things back when she is done. She has thrown away things of mine that she considered useless (i.e. decorations as she never decorated her home). I had to pull things out of the trash and clean them. How do you strike a balance between encouraging them to help and letting them have total control?
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My 93-year old mother who is afficted with Alzheimer's Disease enjoys helping her aide do the laundry. She likes to help loading the washer and dryer, folding the towels, etc. and helping to put the finished laundry away in her dresser or linen closet.

I also ask her to help me put the groceries away. She has a two-door refrigerator with the freezer on top. I've made a game out of putting the groceries away. As I take each item out of the shopping cart, I ask her whether it goes upstairs or downstairs. She enjoys being able to decide where each item belongs. Each correct answer provides me an opportunity lavish praise on her.

These activites are much more than busy work. They keep mom engaged and boost her self-esteem. She takes great pride in feeling useful. The takeaway lesson from all this I guess is that it's not how much your patient is contributing but rather that they are doing something that they can still handle. It's a matter of shifting our focus from ourselves to the person we are caring for.
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I sometimes give my 92 yr old mom a chore, like folding laundry. It makes her feel like she can still accomplish something. Although I refold them all after she is done she doesn't know I refold them.
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I save the wash cloths from my clean laundry and let my mom fold them. I also save her shirts so that she is responsible for her stuff. I feel she is satisfied when she is done even if I have to fold them all over again. I also sit in front of her with a pad and pencil and ask her recipes (how did you make your potato soup?). She struggles but she feels special.
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I don't see anything wrong with having them helping as they are able. Shellybelly is so right. Everybody needs to be needed. When Mom first moved in I didn't want her to do anything because she is always afraid of falling and her hands and feet and knees always hurt. But she dries the dishes and dusts. I always thank her and compliment her and she is very pleased with herself. This is funny, but she often bad-mouths me...I imagine her telling relatives that I force her to do all the housework...lol.
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Hi! MiaMadre has excellent points to ponder, and I just want to encourage you in your new endeavor. Taking her in under your wing, your protection, is certainly taking on new challenges. Challenges that can seem insurmountable at times but when those times come, looking at those challenges from a different perspective may be the difference between discouragement and fulfillment. With that in mind, a flip side of your initial question might be, "What are or were my/our expectations of ourselves when we came into agreement that we would care for this person?" Knowing that when we have expectations of others (for which they more than likely don't realize) we inadvertently set them up to fail us. We moved in with my Dad, and I had expectations he would be grateful and that his heart would change. I didn't even know I had that expectation until months later when I had the reckoning with myself that his only foundation is himself...it is not rooted in the love of God or being able to give love to others. Part of my motive in helping him was to show him God's kind of love, that we are to honour our parents, to help them financially, care for their needs, and to fulfill a childhood need to have my parents approval. It was a growing day for me to realize my need might never happen. With this knowledge I am actually better able to care for him because I have taken myself out of the equation, and my being here is now truly making sure his end of life is as comfortable as possible without killing myself in the process. In order for most parents to live with their children, the parents have to go through a humbling experience. My Dad believes I should feel priveleged to be here, that he is doing us a favor...so he hasn't experienced that humbling moment, lol, and I can't expect him to. I can hope..but not expect. Normally though they are submitting themselves to you and giving up everything they have ever known before. Open communication and an open mind and heart are key. I'm still in the learning curve on this one! Hope this helps! :)
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Yes, I agree. I try to leave things that my Mom can able for her to do. Even though it takes her a lot longer to do them than me it empowers her to try to do more. She will do something and I have to redo it when she is napping. I never tell her what she has done is wrong.
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I'd say at 87 give her a break: she's already put in plenty of years of work and it's time to give her a little TLC. Expectations is something that should've been addressed before she was invited into your home. If they were not addressed before it's a little late now to start expecting her to contribute to labor. And it brings up the question of if she's able to do it on our own why is she living with you? Other questions would be: how functional is she? Does she havea physical disabilities? Does she have any cognitive disabilities? It would be reasonable to expect her to do what she can safely take care of in her own personal space. But have a heart she's 87 years old. It's time to show her some appreciation.
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we all need a purpose no matter how old we are, however I would encourage her to do what she feels like doing!
Let her fold towels sitting if she wants to, or let her help with menus if she wants to...My Mom is 85 and takes care of herself for the most part, however I take her where she needs to go...
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Lots of good answers. Giving her little projects or jobs will make her feel productive and improve her self esteem, make her feel like she's contributing to and is part of this household that she never lived in before. Routine is helpful, if you can give her a job that she does every day, or every meal, or the same day each week (will help her remember that it's Sunday, or whatever.) Have her straighten up the magazines in the LR, once a week, fill her weekly or monthly pill box (with you watching ), wipe the countertops after dinner, etc. Set her up for success, not failure. Simple things, that don't involve breakable things. My mom loves to carry things from the kitchen to the table when it's almost time to eat - the butter, the S/P shakers, the bread basket, etc. I also tell my mom that she's on vacation when she's at my house (she's lives in Memory Care Unit, but I bring her to my house for sleepovers every 2-3 weeks), and that she can relax, but still give her little things to do. She wants to help. She needs some sense of being productive and being in control, even just a little bit. Don't we all? haha! I feel like I've lost control myself! Good luck.
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At 87 she has earned the right not to do "chores".So don't expect her to.Instead steer her toward activites that will keep her mind active, things that will make her laugh.I'm betting that her life skills will blow you away.Have her teach you the things that she is good at.She needs friends her age to play with, too.I ask my Mom for advice often. She's 92. and lives alone. Mom rode horseback to the school that she tought at! Just yesterday I met a man in his 60s that she taught in first grade. 2 years ago I got fresh flowers at wallmart for her.She smiled from ear to ear and got teary too. These were the first flowers she was ever given, that she remembers?
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What I do with my sister, who suffers from Traumatic Brian Injury, is bribe her with a visit to Starbucks, lol. My sister loves Starbucks. In all reality, the reward system works well with seniors. They want and need socialization, just like any red hot blooded 20 year old, lol. Maybe not that wild, but you know something a mere more seduate. A movie, at trip the the Mall, lunch, with can be accomplished at Starbucks, as they do have sandwiches, and yogart, and the like. And, first an formost, make sure she has a doctor, and let the doctor know she might be depressed. Life is different now for her, and being mindful of that is a good start.
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Towards the end my mom helped by folding towels and dishtowels. I used them to dry my tears.
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My mom likes to help out with things she "choses". See seems to think that because of her age she should be exempt from whatever she seems too much work. I let her do what she wants within certain perimeters. I've had to be firm about my space, and her space. And I encourage her to do a little more, just so she isn't sitting in a chair so much. I know what you mean about missing her stuff. For the first year that's all she complained about. She felt that my giving her not one, but two bedrooms and her own bath was not enough! A year later, she is doing better. She sti complains she wants her own apt, but I know she can't hAndle it since she is nearly blind. But by all means, she should have some chores she is responsible for, to help her stay mobile and to feel purposeful.
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The key word here is expect. If I live to be a healthy enough 87 year old woman, I hope I won't have to do chores anymore. I'll have done them for 83 years by then. I can't imagine, or I would hope that I would not be causing such a mess or be that much trouble. If you and your husband are having such a time because of your age or health, it's time to call a family meeting if you have children or siblings. Maybe you need a bit a assistance with everyday tasks even if your MIL wasn't living with you. There are lots of businesses out there that can come in and help a couple hours a week with whatever is most difficult for you. An example is Home Helpers in-Home Care or just look in the yellow pages under Home Care.
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If she is willing and able I think it would be good therapy for her. Get her mind off what she is missing and give her another purpose to look forward to.
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You can't "expect" her to help, but you can ask if she would like to help, ie, folding clothes, dusting--something she can mentally/physically handle. My mom likes to feel useful & any activity is exercise. She can fold washcloths & occassionally a few towels. You just have to be willing to be happy with and not particular with the help they give.
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I think getting involved with something helps. I cannot get mine to do much more than watch Dr Oz and tell me all the stuff I am doing wrong..like you wouldnt be FAT if you did what Dr Oz said. But at least she can remember what Dr Oz said enough to try to humiliate me..Im not really fat by the way, just not 5 ft tall and 100 lbs...lol
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I would recommend taking note of when she does do things and make a big deal about how much help it was, this will help her to feel useful and part of the family and likely to want to do more. A lesson from husbandry 101
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