I am at my wits end. My mom has been in and out of the hospital, rehabs and staying at my house in between so I could care for her because my 3 sisters would not commit to a schedule this past year. I have a family with two teenagers and a husband. I also work fulltime. My mom finally has recovered to come home from hip surgeries, cdiff, UTIs, stroke etc. She also has both Covid vaccinations but is considered high fall risk as her bones are fragile and frail. She’s pretty independent with dressing and toileting. However she can’t bathe herself or keep up with hygiene. She can’t take out trash, do laundry or do much around her apt. She can’t go outside either as she’s too frail. She is not showing much motivation to cook. Her doctor arranged two aides to come in, one in am and one in pm, to help with light cleaning, bathing, trash, heating up meals I’ve prepared and anything else that may prevent a fall risk. My mom has been rude to the aides. Refuses to have them help her and just sits there. I’m so mad. My sisters don’t help, it’s just me.
I handle her bills, banking, medical papers, SSI papers, every piece of paperwork. I’m her contact person (proxy) so doctors call me and I arrange appts, transportation etc. I can’t do it all. I’m so upset my mom can’t see this. Her homecoming from 3 months away has been awful. I dropped meals off last week, cleaned house, set up medication delivery, and did her laundry but have since stayed away. I’m too upset. I can’t handle that I am treated lower than the 3 sisters who don’t call, come see her or help. I’m actively looking for assisted living because she really can’t live alone without a lot of help and she’s isolated and I just can’t keep running to my mom's house everyday. It’s been a week and I’m waiting to see what happens. I want her to see who actually helps. So far nobody has been at her house. I have no idea if this is a wake up call to her or not but I’m tired of being used and taken advantage of while my sisters all drink and live totally dysfunctional lives and lie and make up excuses. Any advice appreciated.
You need to have a sit down with your mother. It won't be pleasant but it's long overdue. IMO, it is a bad idea for anyone to assume the responsibility of caregiving without having the authority i.e. durable POA. Your mother also needs to get her living will and will in order. She needs an appointment with an attorney who can draw up all her important paperwork. If she refuses then take a big step back.
Stop running to her house every day. You have children and a husband. They come first. Your mother's needs are only going to increase. She cannot live alone. Plans need to be made for her longterm care. I suspect your mother believes that you will return to dropping meals off, cleaning house, setting up medication delivery, and doing her laundry. She's playing a game of chicken.
It is terribly hard and sad to go through this. Good for you that you have stepped away. When you do cool off and see your mother again, be resolved in your determination to get her to see the reality of her not being capable of living alone. She needs AL.
Start researching ALs in your area. Tour them first by yourself or with your husband or a trusted friend. Then arrange for your mother to get a tour of the ones you feel meet your mother's needs and are in her budget. One step at a time.
Moe, if the doctor is telling YOUR MOTHER that she won't survive another hospitalization and she is chosing not to accept help from aides, she is making a conscious choice.
You can't care more about a person's well-being more than they care themselves.
Has anyone suggested a hospice evaluation?
Strokes can cause vascular dementia. Has she been seen by a geriatric psychiatrist or neurologist to stage her cognitive decline, see about depression, anxiety and her overall ability to make good decisions?
But I told my mom that I could no longer respond to her increasing needs and that she needed to be somewhere other than home to get the level of care, socialization and help that she needed.
If mom had pushed back and said "I'll be fine by myself" we ALL would have stepped back and let the chips fall where they might.
As posters before me have noted, YOUR family is your priority, especially those teenaged children, who need more care and guidance than you can imagine right now.
Please remember that this arrangement needs to work for everyone, not just the care-receiver. "That doesn't work for me" and "I can't possibly do that" are perfectly acceptable sentiments. You are not your parent's servent, ever.
No where in your post did I see the words "dementia" or "Alzheimers". You have described someone with one of those 2. But she may also have other medical issues going on, like a UTI or thyroid or over/under-medication, etc. and these should be discounted as well as getting her doc to give her a cognitive/memory test (if you can manage this -- and the forum participants can suggest how).
Your own family is a priority over your mother's care. This can be very difficult to internalize but you must. It sounds like your mom needs more care than you can give, and your sisters are in no way obligated to participate so I would not pursue it with them any more. Also, they don't sound like reliable, responsible adults anyway.
Who has PoA for your mom? This is the person who should now be looking to activate this authority by reading the documents and moving forward with a realistic care plan for your mom. If no one has PoA and your mom refuses to get these documents into place, then you would either need to pursue guardianship (which takes time and can be very expensive) or do nothing and wait for an "incident" that warrants a call by you to APS or one that lands her in the ER (and then make sure they are informed she is an "unsafe discharge"). The hospital social workers would then put the wheels in motion for the county to get guardianship and get her placed. If the county has guardianship then they control all of her life, including medical and financial.
Please choose your family over your mother. This does NOT mean you don't love her. But there is no sense in sinking your entire family while trying to keep your mom "afloat". She needs AL or some other form of a care arrangement, for her own good, and yours as well. May you gain peace in your heart as you come to understand some difficult realities.
She either accepts help from the caregivers that come in 2 times a day
and
you stop doing all the tasks the aides are being paid to do.
or
When next she falls she will not be able to come home from rehab. You will tell them prior to discharge that she is unsafe at home. You can not take her into your home so they will have to help find placement for her.
(that is IF she recovers from the next fall. Let that sink in a bit and see how she responds)
the problem with looking for Assisted Living is that you can not force her to move. she must be willing to make the move to AL.