My mother is 83 and is relatively healthy, yet complains and whines about everything and anything you can think of. I know friends who have lost parents and would do anything to have one more day with them. And then I listen to my mother flip out over not having enough chocolate in the house or not having enough money to buy something on QVC even though she buys stuff on those channels constantly and it's always stuff she doesn't need and never uses.
I was watching TV with her and they were showing the devastation in the Bahamas from Hurricane Dorian and she starts talking about not having chocolate again and how "at her age" she shouldn't have to worry about money or buying what she wants. The complaining turns into hours and hours of lost time each day and week as she will interrupt anything and everything to talk about herself and what is bothering her this minute. Trying to be a good, understanding son is useless. I can bend over backwards 24/7 for her trying to make her happy and she will find something else to complain about or make me feel guilty about or point out something I forgot to get her when I was at a store or grocery shopping. If she has to wait more than a day for something, I'll hear about how she's been "asking me forever" to get her something.
If I keep her company watching TV, she'll turn off something without any consideration as to whether or not I was interested in seeing it. If I record something and watch it and she's "not in the mood to see this" - off it goes. If I say I'll watch it on another tv in the house, I'll be asked what's wrong with me and why don't I want to spend any time with her. It's always what she wants to watch, what she wants to talk about, what she wants to vent about - and I'm supposed to understand because "I'm 83 - I should get to watch and eat and do what I want at this age! I sacrificed enough for you and your brother!" She moved to the suburbs with my dad, who passed away 25 years ago, she never learned to drive and hates where she lives but never wants to move elsewhere. She blames my brother and I for living where we do. She blames us for everything - if she's not feeling well, it's because my brother or I aggravated her two weeks ago and it's "still having an effect on me." If she doesn't like what she's eating it turns into "if you had bought me xyz last week, I would be enjoying something right now instead of THIS."
She has no friends anymore - she alienated all of them years ago. Her grandkids live in Florida and want nothing to do with her (it's all their fault, according to her), what few remaining family members she has left haven't talked to her in years.
Yet I am living with this person because I promised my ailing father in 1994 that I would take care of her. I never knew it would turn into the nightmare it is. This is going to sound crazy, but I sometimes think that maybe I died years ago and this is hell. That's what being around her is like. Hell on Earth. If anyone remembers The Sopranos, she is like Livia Soprano times ten - a mean-spirited, unappreciative nightmare who thinks she's smarter and better than everyone else - and entitled to be treated like a queen despite treating others like dirt. I saw how she treated my brother's ex-wife and vowed to never put another woman through that, and as a result have lost out on relationships, short and long term, because I don't want anyone else to have to suffer. I feel like I'm waiting for her to die before my life can really start and meanwhile I'm 50 and my life revolves around work and taking care of her. I am miserable and depressed and I hate feeling like this and I'm tired of taking care of someone so miserable and angry and hurtful.
I see postings on here and I feel bad for anyone in such a situation. But please know you are not alone. If anyone has any suggestions on how to cope, a book or article(s) to read or anything that can help on a day to day basis, I would be so grateful. Thank you.
You will never 'make her happy', she has no interest in being happy, or more to the point, she is only happy when she is miserable and making your miserable.
Get off the merry go round and get your own life. She can move into independent living and complain to her hearts content and you do not have to listen to it.
I learned through it all that my dad is a very unhappy person, and no amount of anything in my power would help him with that. I will never get his approval. And the most loving thing I can do is make sure he’s cared for somewhere else. Our parents have lived their lives, we still have lives to live. Go live yours with peace. Much luck to you on this journey!
https://www.youtube.com/user/NarcissimSurvivor/videos
Also, as for your promise to dad, I'm going to guess that she's a different person in many ways than she was when she was with him. What would your dad do in this situation? Do you think he would sit there and take the abuse being heaped on him?
You can choose to have both your own life and keep your promise to look after her. It does not have to be an either/or. It just does not have to look like the way you are living it. Figure out a way where you can have both. But you will have to be brave and make some hard choices that she does not like. Just don't fight w her. Fighting w her gives her fuel. Just say this is how it is, and walk away. Let her yell at the walls.
I don't suppose this nightmare is what your ailing father had in mind, either, do you?
Rethink what constitutes "taking care of her." It does not have to mean sacrificing yourself, especially not when no matter how much you sacrifice it isn't going to achieve the impossible and turn her into a contented, thankful, happy person.
THIS woman, however, will likely be the death of you, if you continue on. Your mother could easily have another 15 years of life. Those years will no be easier. They will be more difficult.
Currently you are suffering from "Fix It". You believe because there isn't chocolate in the house you must fix that. If you want to watch something and she doesn't you must fix that. If she thinks you spend too little time with her you must fix that. Sorry. There is no fix for old age. It is a long slow slide into oblivion, and many seniors, whether demented or not, are angry and depressed about it, feel out of control of their lives. Will control yours if you let them.
If you cannot set clear boundaries both for yourself and for her, then it is time to think about placement for her. I don't really want to hear nonsense about promises, about guilt, about how to change her. None of that makes a difference in real life.
Of course, there is this. CHOCOLATE. I WOULD expect an unending supply of Milk Duds and Hershey Bars. Make no mistake!
Good luck, and keep us updated as you evaluate what might work for you. Sometimes it is boundaries, and limitations. In the case of dementia, all stops are off--that's unlikely to work.
My mom is also 83 and has always complained about EVERYTHING. Now she's got dementia and it's even worse. Also cue not making friends, being miserable to be around, etc..
She's never going to stop complaining, but what kind of helps me is to sort her complaints into 2 categories; A) Is it legit? If yes then I'll emphasize. New health problem that is totally not her fault? Oh that's tough. Construction next door? Definitely annoying.
B) Is for petty complaints. I've freaking had it with this crap. What's helped me is I turned it into a contest where I rank them according to how ridiculous they are. Currently #1 is, " The swimming pool is too far ." ( she walks 10x that distance daily ). Tied for second are, " My ( delicious ) salad is TOO big " or, " My sandwich isn't sliced! "
I don't respond to petty complaints, but during our 'quality' time, since the petty complaints will come anyway, I now take a back seat and wonder in my head if she can top herself and how I'm going to rearrange my All Time Ridiculous Complaint Chart. The prize is a modicum of sanity!
Wishing you and all of us the best of luck!!!
You choose to revolve your life around work and taking care of your mother. The promise you made to your father about your mother did not include "until death us do part". If you want to change, it's within your control and it's your choice. At 50, you are well into adulthood. Your mother could live to 100. Do you want to live the way you do for another 17 years?
Remember that Tony Soprano is in therapy. Change is hard. There's help out there if you want it.
Sorry to be blunt, but yeah, she's gotta go.
(Just my opinion, if you want to avoid becoming ill urself).
And for me, no one's here to help me, either.
I moved in with her and her husband, into my family home (my father built it in the 70s), nearly 10 years ago. It's been an eye opening experience, to say the least. So many questions about things in my life involving her have been answered by seeing her in action, day after day. Her bad 'karma', which subtly poisons people into thinking she's nice which in reality is her false self (see narcissism), is something to see. It's from the narcissism which runs in her mother's family, along with extreme religious perfectionism, favoritism, systemic alcoholism (includes guilt and pity trips galore). She has bipolar and GAD, too, though I wonder if they are really just part of the N syndrome (N meaning narcissism).
I have no help whatsoever, and if she needs medical help I am the ambulance. We live 7 miles from the small 'Peyton Place' town where medical care for elderly or mental health conditions is a sham, having seen it in person, and repeatedly. So I moved all her care to the next city, 30 miles away, which means if she needs to go to ER, I drive it after managing to get her in the car.
The hospital staff, drs, nurses, etc., have been marvelous, and have seen her mental health concerns, and now I've become part of the medical team trying to resolve it; note: there is no resolution. She's cantankerous, an adjective more than one nurse has entitled her.
She wants her food, won't eat healthy but must or ends up in hospital, which she also detests. I am a nutritionist so am very careful to provide balanced meals of foods she can eat. Yesterday, she shoved her sandwich away and demanded a hot dog, which she cannot eat right now (I find the healthiest versions, and serve in 1/4 - 1/2 portions).
She continually throws my brother's name at me, as if to bully me into catering to her. She has no clue that he knows her games and isn't playing. He did his time with her, as she kept him around for 20 years doing cheap labor in house maintenance. He lives in another state now, deservedly.
Nonetheless, I am out here, by myself, trying to deal with her 'manic panic' episodes (bipolar manic + GAD, histrionic hypochondria). My father has been so helpful in relating info from his marriage to her, behaviors he saw that I see now. So, aging narc is only part of the equation.
I totally get your story! And I think that we'd do well in a coffee klatch, venting about our agin N mothers.
Please feel free to keep this thread going as typing it has been helpful!
Keep your head up! Gray rock, always, don't let her get to you despite the negativity being like a tsunami every day.
Find ways to nurture yourself (I spend time in the far end of our house, which is peaceful, with my kitties, sometimes on the deck, deep breathing).
You are not alone!
Your promise was made based on LITTLE INFO other than wanting to appease your father. Now you have more intel to make a new decision. Make it.
For some reason that that I don’t understand, some people think caregiving means GIVING ALL OF YOURSELF but I happen to believe GOOD CAREGIVING is taking care of yourself AND the person with yourself at the forefront so you can do the second half full of vigor and peace of mind. If you’re burned out and overwhelmed and stress in ANY JOB the job won’t be done well. Period.
Make a new choice. Assisted living? A nurse? Separate housing? It’s up to you and what’s best for you. You can do both. Look after your mom and have a life. You just have to figure out the way that’s best for you do it. It doesn’t have to be one and nothing. It can be both. Watch, if you do it, your world will suddenly get brighter, lighter and wider. Start imagining what that will look like and FEEL like and let that momentum carry you forward to actually putting it into action.
Bottom line, as you can clearly see, this is someone for whom NOTHING is ever good enough and who will never be happy no matter what you do or don't do. They are simply incapable of it. Once I realized that about my mom, it became a lot easier to make decisions for her and to have (and enforce) boundaries because I knew that she wouldn't like anything anyway - so instead of BOTH of us being miserable at least ONE of us was happy if I lived my own life & made choices for her regardless of her feelings.
Besides, it's a potent form of manipulation and once you let her know you are onto it by refusing to enable it, it tends to decrease. People who choose to be unhappy and not make decisions that would make themselves happier (ie moving somewhere else)....to see the cup as always half-empty, AND who insist on bringing everyone around them down with them ("Debbie Downer") are giant pills. She's entitled to have a pity party for herself, but she's not entitled to make others participate in it.
It's at this point we often come to an uncomfortable realization - we have to reverse roles and play the role of parent while parents take on the role of children. We have to make unpopular decisions for them and like a parent, we know we are doing the right things for their best interests regardless of much said parent may not like it. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. People like our moms don't like ANYTHING anyway so stuff any guilt you may have away permanently. As long as you know you act with good intentions to protect her safety, financial security and physical health, you can sleep well at night. Nowhere is it written you have to be her guaranteed entertainment or slave labor or less worthy of having your preferences met than she is. She may THINK she's royalty, but royals only get that kind of treatment because others give it to them. This woman is down to her last 'subject'...it's time for you to leave her 'court' and demote her to 'peasant' like everyone else!
My mom sold her home in Illinois and moved in with us for 6 difficult months - until she was ready to "find her own home". I gave her a bedroom and sitting room area to decorate and use as her own. She tried selling stuff at a Christmas bazaar - and took up the patio space creating "her display" for 2 months. She kept packing boxes in her room that smelled of mold and mildew - which I am allergic to - since she didn't smell "anything". She paid us $200 a month and bought some of her own food - this never covered her share of the expenses, but we went along with it. When she wanted to redecorate the hallway bathroom, I had enough.
She visited my sister for a month and I drew up a list of "house rules" with my husband for all of us. Mom read the rules and decided she was ready to "find her own place" - meaning she and I visited many condos for a month until she found the "one". We helped her paint, fix problems with the condo, move, and took out patio pavers that were "illegal". Was it a lot of work? Yes!
Now, I visit my mom weekly and she drives up to our home weekly. She has her home the way she likes it. She drives her own car and takes care of her own needs. My husband and I agreed to try to take care of any house problems, within our abilities, on a monthly basis. Her neighbors have our phone numbers. It is much better when she has her space to be boss of and we have our own.
You may need a similar solution. Start with a doctor's visit for your mom to rule out dementia, depression, and illnesses. Then, take some time away from mom to consider:
Is your mother mentally incompetent or physically dependent that you must tend her constantly?
What types of care does she need, as in toileting, bathing, dressing, feeding herself, cooking, walking, paying bills, getting to doctor appointments or grocery shopping...? (Notice that binge shopping and getting her chocolate are not needs.)
Can you and your mom financially live separately? If not, can you create "apartment" spaces for each of you? I would say that "your place" needs to be less accessible to your mom.
How often do you need to "check up" on mom to feel she is safe and well-cared for?
I would also suggest you read Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud. They helped me with creating appropriate responses to difficult behaviors.
God Bless!
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCU9xNc-P8GWAdafmAcNVi6g
Someone mentioned NarcissismSurvivor's channel, also good.
Caregiving is hard enough without narcissistic personality disorder mixed in. You don't have to emotionally support someone who doesn't emotionally support you.
I recommend finding a way to minimize contact as much as possible. Adult day services, home care if applicable, assisted living, whatever it takes.
Do you happen to work for a place for mom? That's the guilt trip they try to lay on people.
1) If you`re looking for support and ideas on how to deal with her, up to and including moving her to a senior community, start with your local Senior Services group in the state, city or town you live in. Sometimes the local library`s have information regarding these services also or have weekly meetings for adult children of dysfunctional parents.
2) If you are still working, connect with your HR rep and ask about an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) at the company you work for. These programs often provide some form of mental health support and are confidential. If your company has that benefit, use it, it`s often free or the fees are very reduced. If they don`t have an EAP, many mental health practitioners charge on a sliding scale, find one that does.
The mental health group the company has hired or the practitioner you have sessions with, can help you learn to set boundaries also.
3) Re: boundaries. You need them. So remember, you`re an adult and so is she...if you continue to act like her child, she`ll probably continue to treat you like a child.
4) Learn to disengage, disengage, disengage. If she starts up with her litany of issues, make any excuse and leave (if you`re at her house). Remove yourself from her presence, go to another room and watch tv or read a book or leave the house.
5) If she needs to get around due to her lack of driving skills, many communities have Senior Services that include transportation. For sometimes no fee or a small fee, they can take her to the grocery store, bank, doctors appointments etc.
6) Food, household supplies, etc. can be ordered online and delivered. Amazon, Instacart, Walmart, Safeway, other grocery stores, for example, can deliver goods to the house. If she can order from QVC, she can order her own chocolate !
7) If moving her to a senior community is really an option, i.e., she`d be willing to go, you`ll need to know more about her finances and assets and her health conditions; the best facilities aren`t cheap. You can research local senior communities on line (or use the computer at the local library if you want to get out of the house and away from her), and research how to determine the amount of money needed, and then pay them a visit for a tour. The administrator can give you brochures, discuss costs, etc. Do that with a couple of facilities close to you and save those brochures.
The next time she starts up with her tirades, acknowledge her disappointment in how she`s being supported by you and your brother and hand her one of the brochures and encourage her to consider moving to a facility that would be more supportive of her needs !!
8) If her husband or she are ex-military, contact the local chapter of the Veteran`s Administration. They have support services and social workers you can talk with on what services may be available to you, as a caretaker, and what services are available to her.
Lastly, the situation will probably get worse before it gets better, as many adult children dealing with senior parents will tell you.
As she ages, more medical issues will be occurring. It`s best you get proactive on getting plans in place on dealing with her now, before medical issues start presenting themselves.
Best of luck and hang in there !
Turning her rants back to her to offer solution may help. Simply put, I'm doing the best I can - do you have another plan or a person in mind who could give you what you need?
What you wrote is pretty much what happens to all of us that have an elderly parent under our charge as their main caregiver. So, you are not alone and these are not unique traits that only your mother exhibits. Which is why being on this forum could be cathartic for your sanity since most of us share your frustrations and stress.
My one take (because there will be so many that can impart their wisdom on the subject of what your mother does) to pass on to you is - get out every so often in what I call "Selfish Time"...even if you must hire a professional staff (like Traveling Angels Nursing Care) to care for her for a day or even half a day, you need to get away from the daily care-giving mode and go do something with friends or even just for yourself that you would enjoy and forget if but for a short time all that makes you feel miserable, depressed, and most of all trapped...
And keep coming to this forum...we're all kindred spirits sharing in all that you go through and therefore, you are NOT alone in this venture!