My mother is 83 and is relatively healthy, yet complains and whines about everything and anything you can think of. I know friends who have lost parents and would do anything to have one more day with them. And then I listen to my mother flip out over not having enough chocolate in the house or not having enough money to buy something on QVC even though she buys stuff on those channels constantly and it's always stuff she doesn't need and never uses.
I was watching TV with her and they were showing the devastation in the Bahamas from Hurricane Dorian and she starts talking about not having chocolate again and how "at her age" she shouldn't have to worry about money or buying what she wants. The complaining turns into hours and hours of lost time each day and week as she will interrupt anything and everything to talk about herself and what is bothering her this minute. Trying to be a good, understanding son is useless. I can bend over backwards 24/7 for her trying to make her happy and she will find something else to complain about or make me feel guilty about or point out something I forgot to get her when I was at a store or grocery shopping. If she has to wait more than a day for something, I'll hear about how she's been "asking me forever" to get her something.
If I keep her company watching TV, she'll turn off something without any consideration as to whether or not I was interested in seeing it. If I record something and watch it and she's "not in the mood to see this" - off it goes. If I say I'll watch it on another tv in the house, I'll be asked what's wrong with me and why don't I want to spend any time with her. It's always what she wants to watch, what she wants to talk about, what she wants to vent about - and I'm supposed to understand because "I'm 83 - I should get to watch and eat and do what I want at this age! I sacrificed enough for you and your brother!" She moved to the suburbs with my dad, who passed away 25 years ago, she never learned to drive and hates where she lives but never wants to move elsewhere. She blames my brother and I for living where we do. She blames us for everything - if she's not feeling well, it's because my brother or I aggravated her two weeks ago and it's "still having an effect on me." If she doesn't like what she's eating it turns into "if you had bought me xyz last week, I would be enjoying something right now instead of THIS."
She has no friends anymore - she alienated all of them years ago. Her grandkids live in Florida and want nothing to do with her (it's all their fault, according to her), what few remaining family members she has left haven't talked to her in years.
Yet I am living with this person because I promised my ailing father in 1994 that I would take care of her. I never knew it would turn into the nightmare it is. This is going to sound crazy, but I sometimes think that maybe I died years ago and this is hell. That's what being around her is like. Hell on Earth. If anyone remembers The Sopranos, she is like Livia Soprano times ten - a mean-spirited, unappreciative nightmare who thinks she's smarter and better than everyone else - and entitled to be treated like a queen despite treating others like dirt. I saw how she treated my brother's ex-wife and vowed to never put another woman through that, and as a result have lost out on relationships, short and long term, because I don't want anyone else to have to suffer. I feel like I'm waiting for her to die before my life can really start and meanwhile I'm 50 and my life revolves around work and taking care of her. I am miserable and depressed and I hate feeling like this and I'm tired of taking care of someone so miserable and angry and hurtful.
I see postings on here and I feel bad for anyone in such a situation. But please know you are not alone. If anyone has any suggestions on how to cope, a book or article(s) to read or anything that can help on a day to day basis, I would be so grateful. Thank you.
Your father would hate to see you giving up your life for your mother. It does seem that you really know this. It also seems like you are expecting her to change into a loving, kind, compassionate, unselfish person. She's not going to, and you probably realize this. Your post suggests you want to find a way to continue living with her, hoping against hope that you can find happiness anyway. You have devoted 25 years to this woman, and this hasn't happened.
As others have said, she could live another 10-15 years and hopefully you'll live much longer. It's not too late at age 50 to begin living the life you want. She could be placed in a nursing home, senior facility, assisted living, whatever place the finances allow. Your local Area Agency on Aging (and great information on-line, like this website we're on) can guide you in her placement. She won't like it, she won't agree, she'll blame you for everything, but she'll survive and you will too. You can visit her when you like and not see her when you don't want to. This is coming down to your life or hers. You must make difficult choices, and therapy can help with this.
We wish you the very best as you work through this. My heart goes out to you.
I think we’re related! Lol! Your mom is my mom & what you’re going through, I am!!
If you had a good relationship with your Dad, do you really think he’d want you to live like this?
Mom could no longer live in assisted living so I brought her to my home to avoid a nursing home. What in the world was I thinking??? Now that she’s here, Im touring nursing homes & she’s on lists!!! Do it for yourself. My son is 50 & I would never expect him, nor would his Dad, to take care of me. He has his life & his family.
If your Mom can go to assisted living, make the arrangements!! You deserve to have a life! Nothing you will ever do will make her happy so quit trying!! I think you’re doing like I did at first, appease, appease. I don’t do it any longer, I leave the room or go outside. She gets the message. I take her to a senior center 2 days a week so that my husband & I can have a couple of days to go to lunch, errands, out on our boat, etc. You just have to do it!!!
Im so sorry because I thoroughly understand. Mom is 89 & she’d complain if hung with a new rope.
I hope you can walk away from the abuse & do it for you. Your mom will be ok, get her with others her age & they can complain together!!
Place your mother IMMEDIATELY. She will never be happy ANYWAY, so what's the point of wasting ONE more minute trying to make her happy? Ain't no book or article on earth gonna fix THIS, my friend.
Go tour a few privately owned Assisted Living Communities in your area. Speak to the RESIDENTS and ask them how they like living there? Then ask the same of a couple of caregivers. When you find a place where everyone says good things, THAT is the place for your mother. If she's not in need of assistance, then place her in an Independent Living apartment situation that meets your criteria. Don't give her a choice. You know why? At 83, she could easily live another 10-15 YEARS. Think about that............another 10-15 years of THIS, and you will be 60 or 65 years old or OLDER, and STILL trying to make her happy, and still failing miserably. Because women like this are never happy, no matter what. Trust me. I know from where I speak.
So now it's time to pay someone else to bear that burden. If she has no money, apply for Medicaid.
Best of luck. You've done enough. Got that?
Consider this - are you SURE your dad would want you to devote your entire life to your mother? He wanted you to make sure she was cared for and looked after. You are doing WAY more than that. Good luck.
1st off, death bed promises are emotional blackmail and manipulation in my opinion. They are so unfair to the person the promise is being exacted from.
You are obviously going to hold to your promise, that is why you are living in hell with no plans for escape.
Taking care of someone doesn't mean that you have to give up your life and have them live with you. You can put her in a facility and you are honoring your promise. She will be fed, safe, warm and taken care of.
I would do some research on facilities close to you or not, figure out if she can pay or start the public assistance process. Then tell her she is moving as you take her out the door.
She had her life, she obviously didn't start having children until she was in her late 30s and you were younger then that when she became your charge. It's not what a loving mom does to her children.
Place her and go back to being her son and advocate and let her chew on someone else for a few years.
If this is who she's always been, then you should have a
'come to Jesus' talk with her and tell her you need to have your space and own life.
If possible, get your brother involved in her care. All her children are responsible for her, not just you.
She'll try to make you feel like a disloyal son, as that is how she runs. But if she wants life on her terms, then she needs to be in a senior living community in her own apartment. She'll be in a safe environment and have 24 hour care, should she need it. You can still care for her but the arrangement needs to be different.
The stress you are under will eventually affect your health. In the meantime, treat yourself to a monthly massage, reconnect with friends and get out with them weekly.
I was the caregiver for both my parents but, thankfully, didn't have the personality issues you have nor did they live in my house, despite efforts to get them to move into a safer home layout. I cannot imagine your stress!
I wish you success in getting your life back.
Maybe time for mom to go to assisted living before she is the one standing at your graveside - visit her but living with her is past being what is good for you - she won't be happy no matter what you do so maybe do something to make yourself happier
Time for you to join some group in the evenings/weekends - start with a religious or charitable group because then she won't have much ground in saying things against them OR take a course on woodworking or such to 'improve yourself' or a gym .... just get out of that poisonous atmosphere - if you meet someone then go with it .... you dad didn't say 'ruin you own life & take care of mom'
You need to SIMPLY find your voice.
Stop, stop it all, stop now.
Give it right back.
Who, is at who’s mercy?
Not one thing you said, I haven’t experienced.
BUT......I started fighting back and told the truth about the selfish behavior.
We have spent MANY HOURS INCOMMUDICADO!!!!
I feel better!!!!!!
Don’t care!!!!
STAND YOUR GROUND!!!!!!
It is very difficult to live with anyone, in all truth. Roommates, husbands, children. You name em, we can fight with em. My brother and I laugh about his Assisted Living often looking like a hippie commune for the fights and the divisions and the sides and the community meetings. It is hard.
I noticed when I used to keep diaries that I only journaled when I was peeved. Made it look as though my life was miserable.
About my only idea is to do the GRAY ROCK. Or answer always gently. And be certain that there are territories for retreat for BOTH of you. Her room is off limits to you. Yours is off limits to her. And you retreat there to replenish yourself in your "room of one's own".
You do not mention the degree that dementia is involved in all this. The more it IS involved the more hopeless any actions will be for making change, and in the end, sounding the bugles for retreat is sometimes the only way. Good luck. Do look up gray rock. It can be a help.
I had made it clear from the get-go that being a hands on primary caregiver in their old age was not an option. (I never had kids and I am disabled for PTSD.)
Last summer I had to move them from independent living to Assisted Living and also became DPOA as Mom was losing memory rapidly. It's a beautiful facility with open restaurant style dining, etc and all they did was complain about everything. It's exhausting. I cut back on visiting as I couldn't take it - my anxiety was through the roof and BP was over 200!
Now, he just gets more mean and nasty the older he gets. When he can't do whatever he wants or get his way, he is horribly rude and obnoxious. I am so afraid of getting the phone call that they will kick him out.
I am the oldest of 3 and have always been the scapegoat and my 2 useless brothers conveniently live 1100 miles away. They were the Golden Child, especially the youngest, could do no wrong. I don't even get moral support from him. I am now very low contact with Nfather as I can't stand to be in the same room with him. For the past several years, his big thing has been that everyone (staff, doctors, hospitals, rehab, etc) all treat him like a sex offender due to a revenge plot by someone he used to know years ago spreading rumors about him. He also goes around telling any one who will listen that he he is a Holocaust Survivor. Um... he'd never been to a concentration camp and is not even Jewish! A life time of lies, no regard for anyone else's feelings, verbal abuse. I lost all respect for the man years ago and I have no love left for him either. He will die alone and will have brought it all onto himself with his deplorable behavior. I have no guilt; I did my best. He is in a safe place, cared for by professionals. I make sure bills are paid and manage all financial affairs as I am the sole trustee and executrix. I have lost the best years of my retirement and am trying to focus on my own health issues from all the stress. Had to go off my PTSD meds in January as I have liver damage. My goal is to not let him kill me too.
We can't make it better, we can't fix them or make them happy. Get out as soon as you can. Save yourself. Karma has no menu. We get served what we deserve. I just keep telling myself "Not my circus, not my flying monkeys, not my problem." Sorry my venting got carried away. No one deserves to be abused or treated badly by a toxic parent. I hope you can salvage what is left of your life. Best of luck and a big hug.
Can't speak for others, but I come here to get ideas on how to approach issues (behavior and otherwise) from other people experiencing similar. It could be a professional needs to be called in to help undo a pattern of behavior that we didn't deal with in the very beginning. Sometimes there's a dementia issue and there is no fixing a broken mind, but someone may offer a better approach.
The very last thing I'd want in the way of input is for someone to call me a fool and a weakling if I didn't have the guts, as you put it, to walk away and say to H3LL with them. -- Bless your heart, as we say in the South.
Since you are employed, she is either able to care for herself when you're at work or you have someone coming in to take care of her. Either way, find some activity outside of work that you enjoy and let her know you'll be out 1 evening a week to do that. Maybe she is in the house too much - could you take her to a place of her choice on one of your no work days. Make her select place to go so she can't say it was your fault if she didn't like it. If she has no desire to pick a place, don't go anywhere. At TV time, tell her you plan to watch XX show this evening and ask if she'd like to watch it too. YOU take remote during that show. If at any point she loses interest, then go to the other tv room and finish watching on your own....watch your movie from beginning to end.
-Get her involved in the grocery list..candy, whatever it is she wants. Then keep the list after shopping. When she complains, tell her it was not on the list and show her. - Have her start a new list w/the items she forgot last time.
-If she is on a roll about something, tell her how it makes you feel. If it won't stop, tell her you will be in another room until she can talk nicer to you.
-I don't know if you argue back with her, but if you do...you have to learn how to communicate differently. That's where a professional can help you learn new habits...suggestions of things to say in response...how to engage differently. You might even talk to your mom's dr. There are medications to help take the edge off and she may very well need something. -Baby steps to change what has been going on a long time...
Do you think that we want to fix everything too much? (Or make everybody happy)? Maybe that's just me!
Did u & mom have a difficult relationship in ur childhood? (Excuse my curiosity).
I hope you will set goals for ur own happiness vinman31.
If it seems like you're giving up, it's okay to give up...the things that are driving u crazy😳. Take care.
Took me years to realise and its tough to get you're head around but the narc does not give a monkeys about you. I went through hell with my Dad - almost lost my wife and kids.....
Hes still the same. Some of the things he does defies belief. Its always about him and an idea hes got in his head.
This last week hes moaned my wife didn't phone him specially on his birthday. What? I don't specifically phone my MIL either. My wife hasn't seen him for 18 months due to the way hes treated her and I don't blame her. But apparently she should be more respectful and phone him.
Basically, admit hes in charge, and pay homage to him. Its all about control with him. Hes got to know he can control things and anyone.
Some of the things hes done to me in the past. If someone else did this you'd never speak to them again.