My husband and I moved in with his elderly parents two years ago. Lots of health issues, including dementia and heart problems. I was close to my two daughters and 4 grandchildren before we moved 3 states away. I feel sad and lonely and miss them so much. My son is a little closer but he is really busy. My question is do others wish they would hear from their kids more often and feel not very important anymore? They also don't want to hear about my struggles caring for my elderly in-laws, so I try not to share unless they ask and even then I can tell they are just asking to be polite. I am very discouraged.
My brother and his family are camping within an hour of Mum's town. They live 5-6 hours away and there is an expensive ferry ride in that trip.
They spent a fair bit of Saturday with Mum and invited her to come to the campground on Tuesday and go to the sandcastle competition with them. Mum thoroughly enjoyed herself. But the first words out of her mouth when she picked her dog up from me, were, I don't know when they will be over again. She was grumbling.
And back in the spring when Mum was visiting her sister for their birthday in the same city my brother lives in, his kids made her a birthday cake, decorated it, brought in dinner etc.
Yet when she came home from that trip, she was grumbling again.
I am used to her grumbling, but my brother cannot stand to talk to her, because she is going to start every single time, whining that it has been too long since the last visit. "I won't be around forever." etc.
If you miss you daughters and granddaughters, go visit them. While you are there, don't talk about your husband or his parents. Be in the moment with your family.
You made a decision to move away and realistically you cannot expect them to be available.
But, there is calls, video chats, you can visit. Get involved in different things, there is nothing like having different projects to stop overthinking.
It is natural for kids not too want to hear too much about elderly illness.
You need to rest and refuel now.
When a family member who was close physically to other family members moves away, they're just not going to see as much of each other as they once did. That's called life, and it doesn't mean people are mean, or ill-intentioned or evil! And yes, if you move to become a full-time caregiver for an elderly family member with dementia, you're going to experience isolation in some form or another. That sucks big time, but it doesn't make other family members evil. selfish, self-centered etc., just because THEY also have lives and responsibilities and can't be at your constant beck and call.
Honestly, what would be our collective advice if the OP's KIDS had come here to post "hey, my mom who used to live really close by moved 3 states away to take care of her in-laws with dementia, now she tells us how much she misses us and how unhappy she is, and wants us to visit more, but we can't because of our responsibilities to our own families and kids"? The responses they would likely get would be "mom made her choice, she shouldn't be pressuring you like this because YOUR KIDS are your first priority." It's advice I've seen given here time and time again. The advice shouldn't change based on the circumstances and perspective of the person posting the question, and we feel sorry for the person.
Claudia, if you can't physically travel to see your kids and grandkids, as others have said, there are other options...Zoom calls, video chatting, even just plain-old telephone calls. It's not the same as being there, true, but it can make you feel less isolated. I think you have reached the point of such bad burn-out that nothing short of throwing up your hands and claiming defeat sounds like much of a solution. Many of us have been there. You're not going to find one ideal solution, unfortunately, so you're going to have to try multiple less-than-ideal solutions to help mitigate this feeling you have.
Good luck!
Thanks for responding to my questions Claudia. I definitely wouldn't allow him to move you away from "your" children to take care of "his" parents. Asperger's or not, he will "hear" you when you leave. Don't do anything rash....talk with your children and explain what is going on and tell them you plan to move closer to them because you miss them. Take your time finding somewhere to live, getting your finances in order, etc...
I wish you well. Take care.
Like someone else mentioned, maybe you can go for a visit if that would be something you'd be comfy with.
I'd encourage you to find others like yourself to create a bit of like minded support. I know that caregiver support groups are common. I'd seek out something like that, and hopefully make some new friends.
Life is an adventure. You never know what's around the corner, and it could be something meaninful and full of growth. I am nearing 60 and always looking for new ways to experience life and love. I wish you well!
Your husband can stay and do his thing but you should be happy. Caring for your in-laws is no picnic. They should have planned better. Don’t spend your retirement on them.
I would get out of that situation; it has no future. I would imagine if anyone's name is on the house it would be the husbands.
The children certainly understand what is going on and don't want to be involved in it. Makes more sense now.
What did they say when you said that you were moving? Did they try to dissuade you?
You knew, but now after two precious years it is confirmed, distance affects the closeness especially with grandchildren whose many stages of yearly development seem like decades to them.
Relationships have to be nurtured. Your daughters are probably busy raising their family. Your heart aches for you children. You need your children. They need to provide for the stability of their children.
Do they tell you about their struggles caring for their family?
What is hear from kids more often mean? You're in a particular depth of h*ll. No one, but no one, wants to hear about the crumby inevitable parts of life especially if that's all you have going on. The young want to look forward to sunny days, hopeful days of possibilities, fun, accomplishments, growth, and good light hearted stuff, not hopeless struggles, inevitable doom, dirty diapers when they are practically just getting out of that stage themselves. How many people do you think, blood or no blood, like to deal with a sinking ship of saddness and gloom. It's so normal to not want to be a part of this darkness. Even ameobas knows to pull away from unpleasantness.
Was it necessary to move since your husband has siblings that live in the same area as your in-laws?
Go away for a weekend with your husband and ask him if he thinks his siblings could manage his parents? Ask him if he could imagine going back home to joy and life?
Btw, you are important. You taught your little birds how to succeed and to make it on their own. You are showing them what one does when there's a need.
Were you needed by your kids? Have you made it easier for them, when the time comes, when you'll need them? How were your family on your moving day? Bon voyage, or don't go?
Make a plan. You can show the whole lot how it's done. Carve out a juicy bit of time for yourself. Join a honking great creative fun club and learn a sport or dance. Take a class. Develop a new skill. Impress the g'kids.
Get interesting. Get a little place back home and show them the brand spanking new amazing you when you're able to move back. Or discover what's special about where you are now. Who knows, the g'kids may move to your neck of the woods.
Can you continue to live there and NOT help with the in-laws? Basically, leave all the care to your husband. Get a part-time job to help your situation & get you out of the house in case you need to leave.
Can you stay temporarily with your children until you can find work in their area and get back out on your own?
I know you said money is an issue..so what can you do to change that? Your situation will not change on its own, you need to start the ball rolling.
After reading and understanding that this was a 2nd marriage, maybe it changes reality. But all of our children are married to their original spouses and so am I. We are an intact family where I have 6 grandchildren and all has changed now. I live within 15 minutes of my children and grandchildren. All I can say is I am flummoxed that I am basically ignored. No matter what society has become, caring is still in fashion!
I’d suggest that you don’t worry too much about it, and don’t get too ‘demanding’. Fill up your own life for a while. For the family, send little cards to the grandchildren, drop off something you cooked. Be a ‘giver’, not a guilt generator. I sincerely hope that it will come right in time for you, like it did for me.
OP, my amateur suggestion would be to take a good look at your own needs, and the options you have. Don’t rely on DH to understand, empathise or even agree. Choose the least destructive option, and just do it. Perhaps a visit ‘home’, with DH organising supplementary care while you are gone. Make it clear that it’s for you, and not a rejection of him. Love and best wishes, Margaret