I am feeling overwhelmed by my parent's moving close to me so that I can take care of them. This is not something they have asked of me, it’s just assumed. They make demands of people without doing anything in return for anyone. My brother wants almost nothing to do with them.
I got pregnant at the age of 16 and they kicked me out of the house. I was homeless at one point, but did end up putting myself through college. I’m doing well financially now so they’ve moved into an independent living center close to my house because they expect me to be there for them or help pay their expenses when they can’t afford it. They retired before they reached age 50 so they could travel and enjoy life and now they say money is tight for them.
They stress me out. They are demanding, manipulative and they are not kind to me. They never have been. I’ve made many efforts over the years to build a positive relationship with them but it’s just not possible. They will take and take and never give.
I’m in my 50s now and still working and hope one day to stop working and enjoy my own retirement - the way they got to do. They never took care of their own parents much less their own kids.
I want to move away because I am so overwhelmed by them. Right now they are on a two month European cruise and I feel free when they are away. I am dreading when they return. By the way, they say they have no money (and always want me to take them to dinner and pay, etc) yet spend thousands on vacations and whatnot for themselves.
I see a counselor and we talk about boundaries constantly. I’m just wondering if anyone else has been in my shoes and what do you do in a situation like this? My parents are in their early 70s but my dad’s health is poor now and my mom won’t take care of him, hence they’ve already moved into the independent living place so other people can step in and take care of my dad for her.
I am serious that I want to move away but that is not possible for me right now. I know it sounds selfish but I feel very beat down after years of stress with my parents plus my own life challenges I’ve handled with no family support.
If you can't do that, change your phone numbers and stop responding to them. If you do speak to them you need to bluntly tell them that they were not there for you and you are not able to be there for them now, financially or otherwise.
Why move, just go no contact with them. Be honest tell them that their demands are too much for you and interacting with them is affecting your mental & physical health.
They do not care how their demands affect you, it is all about them., and that will never change.
If they have money to go to Europe for 2 months, they have money to pay for a person to do everything for them.
Move on, just as your brother did.
It's a sad commentary that there are so many of us who have had a lifetime of constraints, restrictions, limits, demands and control laid upon us by our parents, who are now being asked to do for them what they didn't do for us.
You're not selfish to feel beat down. Goodness, you've had no relief from the demands and shabby treatment that your parents have dispensed.
It's actually your mother's duty to her husband to care for him and vice-versa. She is the one who took vows for better or worse /sickness or health etc.
The bright side is that they're already in assisted living. At least they won't be assuming they can move in with you.
I would set up some strict boundaries and let them know when you will visit. Make the visit short and reduce the amount of visits. Screen the calls and they can leave messages.
Do not let them suck the life out of you.
They treated you horribly and can figure all this out on their own. Live your life and move if it suits you.
Firstly, congratulations on getting your life together after having a child so young - and so much responsibility. This is a HUGE accomplishment.
* You need to learn what you want to do and DO NOT want to do. Once you know this ... and OWN it, you will be able to express this to your parents.
"I will do xxx"
"I will not do xxx"
They are not used to you asserting yourself. They may be 'mad' or certainly upset.
You are not accustomed to asserting (or knowing) your needs and thus, have not set boundaries (or enough boundaries) with them. It will be or feel weird / dificult / even scary.
While you are in your 50s, having a child young and taking on that responsiblility means you didn't have an opportunity to 'grow up' during those years. Emotionally, you are still 16 (or so ... young). When we stop growing for whatever reasons ... we are still there, emotionally and psychologically. When we are 'ready,' we pick up from where we left off.
While it will be difficult for you to assert yourself, after you learn what you want to do and do not want to do (both comfort and perhaps time, other family commitments, etc. (you DESERVE A LIFE, make room for it ... for 'yourself' in it) ... it will be easier although I believe you need a lot of emotional support.
Find your 'team' - even get a therapist if you can (short term at least to get yourself going).
You must learn to set limits and do what you want / need ... not be dictated to by your parents.
- I realize that their health is / will / continue to decline and this will pull at your heartstrings. You still need 'you' to keep going --- for yourself and whatever you do take on in helping/supporting them (emotionally, not financially).
- You might suggest to them to find volunteers, paid caregivers, or find a social worker to help them find the helpers they need --- or if they cannot, perhaps you will want to d a bit of research and show them their options - so they could follow up.
Take yourself out of the arena of being their punching bag or 'go to' person. That they PRESUME or ASSUME(d) you would take on all this (for them) speaks of how the relationship has been ... by their expectations. You now need to change the music to another station.
It'll be rocky.
They may not want to talk to you.
They may scream or 'act out' however they do (if they do).
Hold your ground; get your emotional troops in line to be there to support you.
The bottom line is that you FIRST need to know what you will do and won't do. It can be a 'fluid' line although you have to really consider your level of involvement. Therapy can help you with guilt - which is a huge ... irritation and will want to dictate what you do (which is what they want you to do).
I realize if you dad's health is declining, this will be hard. The point is, he may need a caregiver for a few hours a day ... or more / different. Be very clear, this is not going to be you (any longer).
You can be clear, set boundaries AND be compassionate and kind. You do not have to be 'mean' and 'anger' (not saying you are or would be) when asserting yourself. You can assure them you love them AND ... then set your boundaries.
Putting this in writing 'in black and white' may help.
It would help YOU to create a chart of the I will do and I won't do ... list so you can see it. It isn't written in stone. You can change it anytime. However, it is a major start to identifying / owning yourself, your inner power, and reinforcing inside you that you deserve a life - your own.
Gena / Touch Matter
I had to invoke a I will do xxx, I won't do xxx with a new co-worker this week. 6 hours of non-stop pressure. (But just one day thankfully!)
I had tried 'nice' wordy replies but remained unheard. Those 2 short sentences, on repeat were key. Still were ignored, attempted to be pushed over, pushed through, manipulated around... But gave ME the clarity I needed to move on.
https://www.dukehealth.org/blog/9-signs-of-narcissistic-personality-disorder
You are in a great period of your life to put retirement plans in place; putting the focus on YOU may cause an earthquake for your parents, but they have earned it through their Karma. Make a to do list for yourself that includes an Elder Law Attorney, a highly recommended financial planner and a realtor to show you homes and investment properties in the locale of your dreams: make YOUR dreams come true. If any thing, your parents have shown you how to retire.
I call Narcissism the "toxic personality" because it ruins so many relationships and damages people's sense of self-worth. You deserve better and you can FaceTime whenever the urge strikes you. Plan your destinations and don't answer your phone (it's just an umbilical cord when the relationship is toxic).
Now is the time to make YOU the main character of your story, so take care and aloha!
For those of us not wired that way, it is gobsmacking when we read about NPD. Yet it’s a real thing, and not to be discounted.
Put your oxygen mask on first; read the book, talk to your counselor about NPD. If s/he doesn’t have a good understanding of it, find someone who does. Another resource: Dr Ramani, who can be found on MedCircle, and also has a ton of posts on NPD on YouTube (free).
My best to you.
But—I feel like moving away would be a good idea, if you are easily drawn in like I am. I spent a lot of time sitting and intentionally considering what I am willing to do, and what I am not—for instance, two doctor appointments a month. Not eight. Sunday at my house twice a month, not every week. (This is MIL, and hubby most often pushes for more. I am trying to stand strong.)
This is a hard situation for you, and you are not alone in it. :(
So they will run out of money. And then they go to a medicaid pay. Maybe. When people “run out of money”, they do not necessarily qualify for a medicaid bed in an AL. If their health is moderately ok, they are sent to section 8 housing.
If they do qualify, you may be one of the fortunate who has a nice medicaid facility nearby, but many places do not.
I don’t know how a Medicaid look-back works if you spent all your money on cruises, but I would certainly check.
As hard as it is to say no now, it will be harder when their health fails. Your parents need to be forced to see an eldercare professional of some kind to give them a reality check. They have their heads in the sand about what their future will be—that it will all just “work out”. It doesn’t work out on its own.
IMO, you need to get involved enough to protect yourself in the future. Find an eldercare attorney and make a plan—for your sake. If they won’t go, consult one for yourself and find out what your options will be in the future.
That is when you are going to have to put the pedal to the metal so to speak in terms of enforcing your boundaries. Will you be able to stay uninvolved?
I believe this is a really good first step.
And writing it out is good for the daughter - so she can see / clarify in her own mind what she wants to do and not do. Seeing something in black and white is very different from thinking about it. "Talking" to the parent(s) in person will be way too difficult for this traumatized daughter. She will falter or not be able to 'hold her own' as she doesn't have any experience in doing that - for her entire life (in dealing with her parents).
* I wold recommend a conference or family intervention with this daughter's therapist, and invite the parents to join her in a session.
This way, obviously, the therapist can be there to support the daughter - intervene and keep everyone on track and clarify intentions, needs, communications.
Clarify in writing what her boundaries are
What she will and will not do
Be confident (in writing it out)
Be clear
My sister completely cut my mom off shortly after my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer that metastasized to her spine and brain. The removal of the spinal tumor left her disabled to the point she cannot stand, walk, wipe, shower, etc. My sister did what she had to do to feel safe and be ok. Nobody else has to understand it or approve of it. She is living her life for herself not for my mother. You are living your life for you. It is yours. Make the choices that are right for you. People will always have opinions no matter what you do. There is no right or perfect answer. It's ok to honor yourself and your wants and needs.
We need to be full or emotionally / psychologically 'filled up' to have something to give to others. Otherwise, what happens (often and often mentioned here, people / family run on EMPTY and have nothing left and feel they are going off the deep end.
When there is nothing in the tank, we pay the consequences with our own health, stress, etc. We must take care of our self first and 'keep our tank filled up.' Gena
I'd just tell the parent(s) to ask / get a social worker to assist them with their care needs... this daughter doesn't have to even do that.
You suggest some of what I suggested "stay away" - I like the idea of writing a letter. Gena
Good idea.
Recently my aunt *screamed* at me, I mean really screaming, to the effect that I'm not doing enough for them. It really threw me for a loop for a time but actually I think she did me a favor in that I was forced to step back and assess how to move forward in light of such unreasonable behavior. (Yes I do need to start seeing a therapist and have plans to line one up one soon.)
People who don't have personality disordered folks in their lives don't understand that simply moving away sometimes doesn't work. I moved halfway across the country and my mother picked up stakes and followed me. Yes I am 100% serious. You can't stop people from living where they want and it's not so easy to disabuse a narcissist of the idea that children are their property like a car or a house. So at some point the kids have to learn how to defend mental health and other resources.
My own plan is to make myself a lot less available. I'll be around for emergencies such as someone needing care in the hospital, but other than that they're going to have to start looking for other resources.
Just a couple of examples: My mother tends to suck me into the volunteer work she loves because it's a great source of narcissistic supply (pets and praise for doing the work nobody else wants to do, for free or well under market rates. We won't get into the fact that mother now has no savings and is going to have to sell her house which is a whole nother post on its own.) Both mom and aunt also see entertainment as something I owe them: the aunt is confined to home mostly, they're bored and lonely, and I do sympathize - but I also can't spend 90 minutes apiece on the phone with them every day.
One great point I saw reiterated below: Consider what they'd do if you died or were incapacitated yourself. I have a big family and there are plenty of other people who can chat on the phone or come by for a visit to keep them company. I'm not the only person who can provide these resources and my taking a step back will require other people to step up.
Mom also doesn't want to discuss what's going to happen when she needs more intensive nursing care later and doesn't have the money to pay for it. I'm sure she'll make a poor decision once she sells her current home, whether that's tying up her money in another home so there's no money for care or renting a place and then giving money to my personality disordered sibling (another whole post), but I'm going to contact an elder coordinator soon to find out what resources are available in our area. I'm not going to sacrifice spouse's/my futures to make up for her choice to retire from a lucrative career at 52 in order to do volunteer work, and since we can't have a conversation about much of anything serious without her resorting to FOG I've realized I'm going to have to be proactive myself in order not to be taken advantage of.
And lastly, all of this is SO hard. Please keep posting here - some of us do really understand, we've been where you are, and in my case I pretty much am where you are! I don't think you'll be able to talk reason into your parents about their expectations or luxury spending, so please consider finding ways to make yourself more unavailable such that you're a harder target for their shenanigans.
One can never change another, only their self. The other then adjusts, as they wish. My heart goes out to those who have / had narcissistic parent(s). Although a parent who has no self-worth teaches that to their children - so we / or most of us have our own healing to do regardless of the spectrum a parent is on -
So i am using several things to guide me. 1. The airlines say put your mask on before helping others. So, my home, me and my world come first.
2. Do unto others - well i hope if i were old and blind someone would help me. So, After following rule#1, i see what time i have left for visiting. I use her own funds to have a local college girl hang with her four hours, three days per week. I ensure the facility showers her, she has clean clothes, drinks, diapers etc. i coordinate family visits so she gets a visitor of some kind sat/sun even if only for an hour.
3. I make sure i am being the person i want to be. I dont want regrets later,. While i will help, i can guarantee that this demanding entitled mother of mine will have disappointments, due to the lack of good deed seeds she has sown.
My mother chose herself over her kids my entire life. She is beyond blessed that I am giving her more time and energy than she gave me. I try to stay focused on that truth. I hope this helps you gain clarity.
When a person believes they deserve a quality life, they create it. We do what we can for others ... after we take care of our self.
Only when we care for our self are we available to care for another.
Gena
Since you feel beat down - and I understand this - I would suggest that you 'stay away' from the automatic TRIGGERS which continue to gnaw at your self-worth, self-esteem, self-image, self-care --- which is being around your parents in ANY capacity.
Step back.
Tell them that you are stepping back and that you are unavailable 'under further notice.' You need to build yourself up first so you can confidentially interact with them --- and feel like an individual empowered person, independent from them.
You need to allow them to manage and deal with their own life, their own expenses / finances / care needs.
It won't be easy for you to do this as you are conditioned to be at their 'beg and call,' and perhaps this is a very life-long pattern between you and your parents.
You have to cut the umbilical cord. They will not; they will continue to use you / your energy and resources (financial or otherwise) until you say NO.
Take a long sabbatical from them ... somewhat like the cruise(s) they take... except you will be home ... learning how to become your self.
Find/ develop support systems wherever you can. You cannot get enough 'healthy' support from people that will encourage you to love yourself and find out who you are inside, one step, one thought, one action at a time.
Gena / Touch Matters
You say "they’ve already moved into the independent living place so other people can step in and take care of my dad for her".
So, they HAVE the financial means, they are just trying to make you feel guilty. Your mother has DECIDED NOT to take on the fulltime responsibility of taking care of your dad but expects YOU to do so? And they were not there at your most critical time of need?
There is absolutely NOTHING selfish about taking care of yourself and your needs. Your parents had all their lives to do just that, and apparently have the financial means to do extensive traveling (something that many seniors who really do NOT have money can't do).
Do NOT fall for their guilt tripping and sense of entitlement. I have been there and done all this with my mother- falling for her 'poor me' 'there is no one else in the world for me' 'I am so financially strapped' 'you are my daughter - who else will help me?' spiels. (And like your parents, she was NEVER there for me - emotionally or financially - whether it was as a child who was bullied, or as a teen who got pregnant (and lost the baby), she did NOT help me financially when I was struggling (and even once when I homeless living in my car), NEVER was there nor helped me when I needed help after surgeries (didn't even visit me in the hospitals) ---- (and I have had quite a few surgeries in my nearly 70 years) YET, she wanted me to be there for HER every single time when SHE needed help.
The woman lived to 95 - and I did talk myself into being there for her starting at about when she was 75 (since I am the only child and there was/is no other family/relatives). I didn't set firm boundaries - guilt and feelings of obligation and responsibility always overruled. And she did not appreciate the sacrifices I made for her care - in fact she always made fun of me by saying 'there are no sacrifices you make for me - I made them all for you -I gave birth to you'. Can't tell you how many jobs I had to quit or change to accommodate her needs; give up my plans for a few days away so the $ could help her; how many middle of the night drives to the hospitals.
And her last few weeks/days on this earth, she reminded me that 'nobody cares for me, no one has taken the time to care about me' - and I won't go into all the details of ALL that I DID do to care for her - not enough room to post all that, let alone my spending 12-16 hours a day in the hospital with her - being her advocate etc. She never appreciated what I did for her - 20 years worth of doing and still it wasn't ever enough or good enough.
When she passed away, I had SUCH a huge sense of relief of having a burden lifted from me. And I have to honestly say, because of her 'poor me' selfish, narcisstic, entitled attitude and outlook, I ended up not only resenting her, but actually hating her. Towards the last days of her life, I wasn't able to feel anything anymore - I was so friggin wore out. When she passed, I didn't and haven't shed a single tear, and 2 years later still haven't missed her a single moment. That is what caring for a selfish and ungrateful person does. And now, at the age of nearly 70, I finally get to start living my life - but now medical conditions are preventing me doing so. And I look back at all that time I spent making sure SHE had everything she wanted and needed and she was taken care of - and I am so very sad for the life I missed out on and cannot pursue anymore.
Thank you for putting your story out there. It really helps quash the guilt I (and likely many others!) have for stepping back!
I pray you find happiness in things you still *can* do!
https://www.hollandamerica.com/en_US/find-a-cruise/E4T42A/U440A.summary.html
My dear, anyone who has $25,000++ for a 60 day European cruise is not short of cash or has money problems and if they do, that is NOT YOUR PROBLEM.
Do not ever give them one penny of your money.