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helped for a couple months mother went to hospital for a short stay havn't heard from them since 6 months what do i say when they finally do call so they definitly know how they have hurt me
I have to agree with the others....there is nothing you could say to your siblings to change the way they are about this. There are 6 of us and I get absolutely no help whatsoever and god forbid I ask for help, I get my head bit off for even thinking of asking for help. I have unfortunately decided to detach and withdraw myself from my siblings, not all, most, but the few I still have contact with, I barely talk to anyway. Once mom is gone, I'll be able to cut the cord entirely. I'm so sickened by how little they care and the fact that they expect me to handle everything, the youngest of the bunch. I always thought I could look up to my oldest siblings for advice, comfort, and assistance, but they blow me off as if I am a complete stranger. I cannot even express the disgust I feel. This is not what family is about. I took the verbal abuse for years and I am now in my 40's and it has taken me this long to realize that I just need to cut the toxic people out of my life. There is nothing you could say or do to change them. Same thing happened when my dad died. I was the only one there. My dad relied on me and I have no regrets for being there for him. They have to live with their own guilt for not being there. Disgusting, soul less, selfish, people. No room for people like that in my life. I will do my best for my mom without them, but I will not be door mat anymore. Done with each and every one of them.
How could we not become resentful of our siblings who don't assist with the caregiving? We'd have to be more than human not to! I used to feel so angry and resentful of my brother for his lack of help in caring for our parents, but now I'm just resigned to it. He does not want to be involved and there isn't anything I can do to change that fact. It is sad though because my brother and I used to be close. I know that when this caregiving experience is over for me I doubt if I'll have much to do with him. Not because I hate him or anything like that, but because I will have a lot of living to catch up on and I doubt if I'll have much time for him.
You folks choose to be codependent. Don't blame your siblings for setting limits. Many parents have favorites. My mother abused me physically and verbally. I feel some obligation to help with medical decision making, (I am a healthcare professional) but not much in terms of the bedside care. She has long term healthcare insurance that would cover a skilled nursing facility but refuses to go. My other single sister and I work full time. The sister favorite doesn't work, her husband is successful. The favorite sisterchooses to make my mother's care her project. Fine. BUT DON'T BLAME ME.
Traumadoc, that may be true IN YOUR CASE..but all situations are different. I assure you few of us enjoy caregiving and would prefer to have our lives back. I was not the favorite..the black sheep in fact.
I did not choose to care for my parents..i did it because my siblings would not and someone had to step up. By the way..i work full time and have no successfull husband to support me.
No need to judge others here without knowing the facts.
Agree KatieKay, we can't judge others without the facts. Every situation is different. In my case, for many reasons, after several shifts of care that my mother could do for herself, I have decided to step back. My mother is 4 weeks post op and could easily empty her own colostomy bag, but refuses to even look while her daughters do the task. I can't support her claim for continued 24/7 care to manage a colostomy.
My sister lived in another state when our parents were in their last years. She was never around when there was a crisis and shied away from decision making. I only received criticism for decisions I had to make. What irritated me was that many of these decisions were medical and she is a nurse. I could not get my sister to return documents she was to sign. The dispensing of our parents' household, monitoring our father's care in a nursing home, and legal matters were left to me although I, too, worked full time. My sister almost did not come to his funeral and left all the arrangements, as usual, to me. Now she relies on me to call her to stay in touch. Am I being petty in resenting this?
No, you're not. For over 23 years, I updated my numerous siblings of bedridden mom's health. I would never have thought that they would be like other siblings you read here on AC when a parent dies. They did. Insisted we divide mom's funeral money among all 8of us. They didn't think to ask bedridden dad, the surviving spouse, what he wants to do with the money. Dad told his sister to give me the money because I took care of mom all these years. I became disillusioned with my siblings. Something broke within me, the sense of betrayal. It's not the money. By insisting that we divide the money equally, they made me realize that ALL those VERBAL praises to me were just noise. Action speaks louder than words. Only baby brother gave me his portion. One out of 7 siblings. Since then, I have dramatically stopped updating them on dad. Nor do I write to them on anything else. If they really want to know, they can come home for a visit instead of taking mini vacations throughout the year to other places.
I"m in an odd situation in that I would rather my sibling not bother because when she does come around she purposely tries playing our mother and I against each other, as she continues to try and push to get our mother shoved into a home...our mother can afford in home services and I am of the opinion she deserves to live out her life in the home she and her husband worked hard for and she deserves to have the care of family members opposed to strangers in a facility
Wow...it's so amazing that so many of us have gone through this. Part of the problem is a society that separates us by age and from our family, while there isn't ongoing open discussions about serious illness and end of life issue...unless your in the situation. Care ends up totally unbalanced when these things come. The one with the biggest heart or just close enuogh take the load. I STAYED close to my mom even when ti meant losing more juicy choices in life. My sister thinks I'm just nearer...Really I dont know what she thinks..just not much about mom anymore. She said she already gave all she had to give.
I have two sisters who refuse to help, one comes to town twice a year for a couple days, on my moms dime, questions me. changes things around for no reason. Brings her grandkids so still has an excuse not to help while shes here! I want to shake her! If you refuse to help GO AWAY!
Unfortunately, some adult children of aging parents that are out of the picture when the aging parents need help, do indeed return and try to represent themselves as caring adult children when it is time to collect the inheritance. Selfish beyond belief. I would not blame anyone if they ended a sibling relationship with a sibling that stubbornly refused to help them.
Occasionally I get po'd at my sibs for not visiting my Dad more often or contacting me to see how he is, but for the most part, when that anger and hurt rears it's ugly head, I try to remember 2 things: 1) I can do all things thru Christ Jesus who strengthens me, and 2) bless and release. Holding onto the anger and hurt will surely hurt me worse than them. I've been taking care of my Dad since 2014. I had quadruple bypass surgery 6 months ago - without much warning so I've had to learn to let go of a lot of crap to preserve my health. No way in hell are they worth a heart attack, so I have to bank my sorrow at all they're missing and thank the Lord that I've been able to be with my Dad so much. Frankly, when he's gone, I'm done. I sincerely hope they stay close to each other cuz big sister has done her duty and will do no more.
My father passed away, so I dont talk to one of my sisters anymore. Its better to leave the person who hurt our father to herself to feel guilt her entire life now. May she go to hell.
lovesdad, I agree with your comment, except I believe the majority of the siblings that do not help with their aging parents, do not feel guilty. Most of them, twist and turn the situation around, and blame it on the siblings that are helping, saying that the helping siblings are "too attached to their parents", etc., and also the non-helping siblings try to represent themselves as the "normal" adult children of the family, especially if the non-helping siblings are married and have children. They use that as their excuse for not doing anything, as it gets them off the hook if they are "busy" with their family. In other words, as incredible as it sounds, they blame the helping siblings. To me, many of the non-helping siblings have supreme arrogance, and they are not my kind of people.
My sister and I care for my aging father. Our three other siblings wanted him to go into assisted living. Dad did not want that, so he lives with my sister and I help her out. The other three siblings visit occasionally when it is convenient for them. I am dealing with trying to forgive them for what they are doing. I am struggling with this and praying about this. Any suggestions?
dd6792, my thought is that there isn't really any one answer. By God's grace we can forgive; the question is how to go on from there. Thankfulness is the answer I think. I've spent a lot of time on AgingCare and am thankful that our situation (with both MIL and siblings) isn't as bad as some out there. Also thankful that my MIL has us, because with other very non-involved siblings, we are literally her salvation. If we see it as our mission, as serving and honoring our parent(s), then that gives much grace. If you'll read very much on this site, you'll see that its the rule rather than the exception for most of the parental care to fall to one (or two) siblings. The sooner you accept things and try to serve with gladness and love, the easier it will be for you. I'm thankful in your case to see that other sibs do actually visit occasionally. The main rub is that when we make the decision to be involved in care, it no longer becomes a choice but an obligation. For the other sibs, amount or option for involvement will always be their choice as they go on with their lives. For every step forward we make in care, other sibs seem to take two steps back. We just have to accept that. I'm still "finding peace."
dd6792, are the other sibs backing away and that makes you feel the lack of closeness, or do you feel that your own feelings of resentment are what makes you feel you are having to let go of the family? I'm sure that those that are uninvolved are clueless on what goes on in the minds of those that have taken on the lion's share of the burden.
I have no problem helping caring for my dad. I am sad that I lost 3 friends and siblings. They seem to only want what is best for them. They visit when it is convenient for them. I ask that they try and take dad to their home or for an outing on Sat or Sun to give my sister a break so she could spend time with her husband. I got no response.
Just take care of your relative. Let the rest go. If you are resentful, it is just hurting you. You can't change people, no matter how much they need to change.
dd6792, I can completely relate to how you are feeling. It is so hard to see these siblings in a completely different light than you once saw them. For me, it's the complete lack of concern for what "caregiving" is doing to me and my own family. I understand they hate their mother, but they never hated us, actually quite the opposite. Even if they want zero involvement in their mom's life, would it kill them to just thank us every so often for all the endless things we deal with on their behalf, as they merrily go about their regularly scheduled lives? Is it really that hard to reach out in a supportive way just to check on us to see if we are "hanging in there"? I once harbored so much more resentment for the non-involvement but now it's more of a feeling that they truly don't care about our well-being whatsoever. My friends show so much more concern than our actual family! It DOES feel like a death in many ways - a death of the siblings we once knew them to be. Furthermore, I did finally reach out to them and did explain why our relationship is strained without being confrontational, but of course, there has been absolutely no response. I expressed it in a way that was not "you should be doing this and that" but more of, "I feel hurt that you have shown us (the chosen ones) a complete lack of concern". Ironically, I had recently reached a level of peace regarding this, and when they contacted us that they wanted to meet, it was like a giant wound opened back up. I was so hoping to hear some apologetic words. I have now come to the conclusion that this relationship will forever be broken and very different, unless they can come to some type of understanding and compassion for everything we've been through (with zero help). Just a simple "thank you" goes a long way for the person at the wheel and it seems as though guilt or something prevents even THAT from happening. It is literally mind boggling to see how many of us here have been so greatly affected by the far reaching fallout of caregiving. I wish so much I had a great answer for both of us, but I'm thinking that what we have read over and over again "Just move on and let it go" is the ONLY solution (albeit not easy to do) :-(
It's nice to know I am not alone in this resenting-the-useless-sibling thing. My brother helped a little in the beginning, and then just disappeared. He gave me some card on my birthday (after two years of doing nothing) that he just left at my house in the middle of the night. He made apologies, and asked what he could do--but then I sent him a letter telling him how angry and sad I was, and how I had felt like I had become an only child: I told him that actions speak louder than words and gave him suggestions about what he could do to help. Never heard back. I KNEW the card with the apology was merely him trying to deal with his guilt--without actually doing anything. I had to let go. I can't even talk to him. It's very sad to feel like you've lost your siblings, as you slowly lose a parent, too. But, letting go is the only way to get past the resentment. No expectations make for no more disappointments.
In my own personal experience, I have found that the people who do the least are the one's who complain the most or tell me what I'm doing wrong. I've learned how to let it roll off my back. It helps to lessen the stress of the already stressful job that I have caring for Mom.
I do most of the care for my parents and I am glad to be there for them. What drives me crazy is when my siblings thank me for doing something, as though I were doing them a favor. They wouldn't have done it even if I didn't. So don't condescend me by thanking me. I don't work for them. I am trying to not resent them because my parents want nothing more then for us kids to love each other. But it is difficult as it feels like we are back in childhood with the personalities back to what they were then. The roles are still the same.
I am so glad I stumbled upon this site and all you wonderful people! It is the first time I see candid talk about unhelpful siblings. I've been struggling with my resentment and anger towards my two sisters, and feeling alone and like I am a bad person because of the way I feel. I'm 64, retired, on a fixed income, and I am willingly caring for the two people I love most in the world; my 90-year old mom who has COPD, and my 80-year old husband who has a feeding tube because he lost his ability to swallow, hear and speak due to the cancer radiation treatment. I promised Mom I'd do everything in my power to assure her independence, safety and well-being--she still lives in her home and I come do her shopping, cleaning, hair, laundry and for R&R I do hand-quilting at her house while we visit and watch her game shows. At some point in my life I changed from being her daughter to being her peer and her friend. At home it is all about my dear man. What tears my insides is my sisters' excuses for not calling, writing, visiting, offering to come lend a hand, and their denial about just how frail Mom is, or how serious my husband's condition is. They refer to her as a duty or a burden; my husband's condition as an annoyance, since he can't go out to dinner, drink, or celebrate "properly" during the holidays. They call or Skype expecting only good news; anything else makes them cut the chat short. Recently, I had an emergency with my husband and I could not dedicate time to both my husband and mom, so I asked my sisters to please come help. Oldest sister: "I want you to let me live in peace! I have a job and no money for travel since I am paying off the mortgage faster, and I can't just fly up there every time you want me to." The other one: "I have a six week trip to Europe which I can't change because I won't get my money reimbursed. I know you can handle it all by yourself just fine." I felt such anger that I fired an email and told them to take their excuses and put them where the sun don't shine, and that I wanted nothing to do with either one, again. I felt free for the first time since starting my caregiving with Mom and hubby. No more having to deal with their "pretend love" and lame excuses. I found help from a friend of ours who was willing to spend the airfare and stay three weeks with us while my husband recovered. Between the four of us we managed rather well. My friend has left, and I feel confident that now that I am not bogged down by resentment my Mom, husband and I will do just fine. Thanks for listening, guys!
Hey Liam, it's been a year and a half since my dear, beloved Mom died. I still have not gotten over the insensitiveness of my siblings. I understand when you say that you feel like a bad person because of the way you feel. I totally know that feeling. And yet.......if I could wrap my head around the fact that my siblings claim that they adored my Mom and yet left almost everything up to me when her health started to decline, when we transitioned into nursing care, when she was dying. If she had been a horrible mom I might understand but she was the best mom in the world. The sweetest, kindest most loving person I have ever met.
I don't know if I will ever be able to get over this and it worries me cause I am a Christian woman and I know that forgiving people is important, not for them but for me. If you or anyone has any ideas on how to do that, please speak up.
Dear Gershun Give a Hug, I am so sorry that you've lost Mom. I already grieve thinking of the day when my mom will no longer be with me and I'll have no reason to go to her home...
While I feel free of my sisters' song and dance and excuses, I'm still resentful. The thing is, when I picture my life without mom I see the loss but also the rage I will continue to feel towards my sisters, because like you I can't wrap my head around them not appreciating that she gave them life, and without her they would not exist...or have their jobs, money, travel, husbands, children or grandchildren. Mom was not a perfect mom, but she did her best given the hardships in which she grew up. She gave birth to us, fed us, clothed us, educated us and taught us manners and how to conduct ourselves in a way that opened all kinds of doors to us.
My husband was always there for my sisters, giving them financial support when they asked for it, paying for my trips to their towns to visit them and share in their children's growth. When one of my sisters got divorced, he paid for her and her children's way so they could have a quiet Christmas with us, away from their painful setting. I can't grasp how they can discard him now that he has lost so much.
While cutting my sisters off made me feel free of my sister's nonsense, I still resent them for not loving my mom, husband and I. And I've read and gone to counseling about this issue, but I still have the feelings. I don't know if I could ever forgive... I do know that I prefer not to see them ever again. Other times I feel OK and at those times it is like those two turkeys don't even exist. I've forgiven wrongs before, but it took time, a lot of time for me to reach that place. So I guess maybe at some point I will forgive my sisters...at some point. For now I'll accept that I resent the living daylights out of them.
I feel some support knowing that I am not alone in these feelings, but I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive.
OK, predictably, my sisters emailed my husband that I am the bad guy because I sent them a 'Nasty and upsetting email telling them to take their sorry excuses and put them where the sun don't shine, and that I wanted nothing to do with either one, again." They said they "understand that my husband had a hospital stay but now was just fine and recovering at home." As if my husband had been staying at a resort rather for 6 days in critical care and near coma due to his temperature fluctuating between 105 - 107, being in respiratory distress, disoriented and malnourished. As if I had overreacted to their refusal to come help us, and they were the victims of my anger. Not a single question about his condition, or why did I had needed them so badly. Not one empathetic comment. No. Just complaining about me. For days I fumed, and even drafted a response to "show them just how much my husband and I needed them and how difficult being all alone had been for both of us and Mom. Then I read in this site about how nothing I say or do will make them come around or understand, or even care. So I deleted the words I was composing.
I am grateful to have come across your kind sharing words, people! I realize that with every understanding I gain about this useless-siblings reality, the freer I feel.
I have a different sort of situation. I am caring for my 88 y/o MIL. She has macular degeneration and can only see a tiny bit in her periphery. She has few medical problems but relies on me to take her wherever she needs to go. She cannot stand long due to pain in her feet. She uses a rolling walker, but still cannot motivate well. My mother died in 1983 at 54 y/o. I was 21. My dad passed in 1991. I feel put upon by my in laws and even by my husband. Every so often I'll get a Thank You and MIL says "I don't know what I'd do without you." I don't either. I take her to every Doc visit. 3AM ER visits, I'm her girl. It's not as if they live far away. Two do, but two live within 20 miles. Each time she has been in the hospital, it has been me that took off work to stay with her. I am very resentful. It seems as if they don't care, don't want to be involved or whatever. It is getting to a point where these people have to make a decision about her care. She lives alone, but that isn't going to work much longer. She has assets and they will be quickly eaten up by AL or NH. They do not really understand the seriousness of the situation. She will not willingly go to either of those places, but unless DH and I move in with her, I just don't see a solution. I work full time as a nurse and DH works full time also. I want to stay in my home as much as she wants to stay in hers. Egad, I never saw myself in this situation for sure.
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I used to feel so angry and resentful of my brother for his lack of help in caring for our parents, but now I'm just resigned to it. He does not want to be involved and there isn't anything I can do to change that fact.
It is sad though because my brother and I used to be close. I know that when this caregiving experience is over for me I doubt if I'll have much to do with him. Not because I hate him or anything like that, but because I will have a lot of living to catch up on and I doubt if I'll have much time for him.
I did not choose to care for my parents..i did it because my siblings would not and someone had to step up. By the way..i work full time and have no successfull husband to support me.
No need to judge others here without knowing the facts.
I don't know if I will ever be able to get over this and it worries me cause I am a Christian woman and I know that forgiving people is important, not for them but for me. If you or anyone has any ideas on how to do that, please speak up.
While I feel free of my sisters' song and dance and excuses, I'm still resentful. The thing is, when I picture my life without mom I see the loss but also the rage I will continue to feel towards my sisters, because like you I can't wrap my head around them not appreciating that she gave them life, and without her they would not exist...or have their jobs, money, travel, husbands, children or grandchildren. Mom was not a perfect mom, but she did her best given the hardships in which she grew up. She gave birth to us, fed us, clothed us, educated us and taught us manners and how to conduct ourselves in a way that opened all kinds of doors to us.
My husband was always there for my sisters, giving them financial support when they asked for it, paying for my trips to their towns to visit them and share in their children's growth. When one of my sisters got divorced, he paid for her and her children's way so they could have a quiet Christmas with us, away from their painful setting. I can't grasp how they can discard him now that he has lost so much.
While cutting my sisters off made me feel free of my sister's nonsense, I still resent them for not loving my mom, husband and I. And I've read and gone to counseling about this issue, but I still have the feelings. I don't know if I could ever forgive... I do know that I prefer not to see them ever again. Other times I feel OK and at those times it is like those two turkeys don't even exist. I've forgiven wrongs before, but it took time, a lot of time for me to reach that place. So I guess maybe at some point I will forgive my sisters...at some point. For now I'll accept that I resent the living daylights out of them.
I feel some support knowing that I am not alone in these feelings, but I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive.
I am grateful to have come across your kind sharing words, people! I realize that with every understanding I gain about this useless-siblings reality, the freer I feel.