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helped for a couple months mother went to hospital for a short stay havn't heard from them since 6 months what do i say when they finally do call so they definitly know how they have hurt me
Dear NoVoice, I too am dealing with frustrations from my siblings/relatives as well. The Laws at Nursing Homes are very very strict as you know.
When my mom was in the CICU at the hosp. everyone kept calling up for status checks, the poor nurses and doctors must have repeated the same thing 20 times every couple of hours.
Because of that reason they had me and my husband be the Voice for the family.
Now , Nursing Homes are the same way they cannot reapeat the same thing 20times. they have one person be in charge for the whole family.
My cousins were upset (to say it nicely) because at the CICU only immediate family members were allowed to visit, and they tried saying my hubby is not an immediate family member (even though we live with her and he pays the bills).
No Voice don't get frustrated at the Home, just explain things to your sister how you want to be involved more. But that is the price you pay when you choose your career over your familyand that is that of this consequence (sis not informing You).
I always tell my family whats going on (especally when its important). When it pertains to her health, staff, whatever i try to always include them with the decisions even though I HAVE THE FINAL SAY.
I hope you can mend things with your family and just keep reminding her she is your mother too.
But my older sister and brother have no bearing on any decisions I make according to the home because I was the one that took care of her for the last 10+ years.
I live am local to her, and I do visit Mom and call Mom.
My elder sister and I are not on the legal documents that the facility has. Just the younger sister. Yes, I live here, and yes the staff at the facility know me too. Just saw an article in their newsletter that due to HIPAA they cannnot talk with anyone about a resident unless they are the legal responsible party or have permission from the resident/responsible party. Our younger sister should include us on everything dealing with Mom but choses not to. My other sister lives across the country and only has phone contact unless she visits here.
NoVoice, Do you live too far not to go and visit her? If that is the case maybe you could talk to the manager at the assisted living facility and ask them that if your mom turns for the worst to please call you. Just food for thought.
Sosad2 - I am sorry for your situation. I'm actually on the other side of your coin. My younger sister is in control of everything, and she doesn't include us on any decisions with our mother. Mom is in an assisted living facility with beginning dementia. My other sister and I are afraid when the time for Mom to die does happen, that our younger sister won't tell us. We LOVE our mother, we have a right to know what is happening with her. Our Mom has dementia, and she doesn't tell us ALL the same things, and our younger sister tells us very little and it's all AFTER the fact.
All children have a right to know when a parent passes, and they can make their own decisions to acknowledge it, say goodbye etc. If someone took away your right to say goodbye to your mother before she passes, how would you feel?
I have to say what I really find amazing is that when dad is in the hospital, somehow they find time to see him. Even dad asked last time he was in why does my brother only come around when he's in the hospital? How do you answer a question like that? That it's all just for show? Sure seems like that's why they can all the sudden find the time to visit, to act like they care. Oh yeah, other people might judge whether or not they care about dad. REALLY? It seems to matter more what other people might think about them than whether they really care about dad. Go figure.
I am going this insanity myself my husband hard working man...working full time job had always taken the time to make sure his mother and grandmother were looked after properly for 32 yrs that is when I met him. SO we meet and heads roll and they expect Mr. Dependable wants to have a life he gets screwed over. We have been together for nearly 12 yrs and on the day I give birth to our first child the bitterness starts and when the day of the funeral his mom is buried he gets disowned by his siblings. He was not being selfish he had not help...they never took the time to look after them so he could get a decent break and maybe do something he wanted to do while he was a young man. I ripped them a new one while still pregnant with my son and noting that my husband health was start to slowly going down hill. Now I am taking care of him and they want to hold grudge against me and not being strong enough to get over the past. Somtimes you have to accept that there are others that are selfish and only look to what they will get after the loved one is gone. Caregivers are parents, brothers n sisters etc etc that will be abused or ignored; our pleas go unheard but we can thankful that we have compassion and can tell those who give the least bit concern to take a flying f on the flying train of total anal BS, I love my husband and I am looking after him now with some assistance and raising two children. I have very few friends that cheer me on and family communication with his and mine are somewhat strain because no one has the ability to forgive and look over the fact that we have indeed become selfish uncaring community. Yes we do get burned looking after our loved ones but we only have to hold ourselves accountable and their time will come on God's call not ours so just keep praying for them and in most cases learn to say NO and protect the one ur looking after if they have no desire then all they will do is bring stress on to you unless the person wants to see them. Resentment builds anger which leads to unhappieness so if they do not want to help turn the other cheek do unto them as they have done unto you. You can't teach them they have to learn on their own and their own time.
I can relate to the previous posts, because I feel now, when the times does come for my mom to pass, I don't even know if I'm going to let my siblings know right away. I know they are not in the area, but the responsibility is just overwhelming, and really as much as they are involved, what difference does it make. This is so very sad on so many parts because we used to be a close family, and I will be looked at as the villain. This is just a no win situation for sure.
To answer the question about why the sibs don't help: Here is my version, First of all, I myself am old, I am disabled, my husband has dementia and I have to take care of him, I am still working to keep food on the table, Mom is cranky and snappy, I have to take care of myself. I have to pay my own health insurance and I have a large deductible that goes with it. I cannot get more sick. My sibs are weatlhy and younger than me. I would be much more cooperative with their wants if they would ask me to do things instead of demand. If would be much more cooperative if when the holidays come around like Thanksgiving and Christmas that they would invite me to their house or they would come to my house, but no they invite half the town but not me and husband. I would be much more cooperative if when I am in the hospital they would send a get well card. I would be much more cooperative if when the business where I work has an open house that they would come and visit, but no. I do what I can for my Mother but I sure don't need the stress that comes with it. So there's your answer why the sibs don't help much.
I am always trying, I feel the exact same about my sister and brother, they only come around for Christmas and call on holidays or to brag about a trip. Well my mom has been in a long term hospital for about a month now and they are sending her to the nursing facility on the 11th. I have been now dealing with all kinds of calls about this and that and alot of crying and her trying to give me feelings of guilt.
I have no guilt, it breaks my heart that she is so upset, but the way I look at it is I can still take her out of there on holidays and maybe even go to the zoo, just so she can be with all the grand kids.
I do have resentment for my bro and sis, that I will be the person seeing her the most but they have to live with themselves , I know I can only do what one person can.
Kuli - I think you and I are the same person!!! EXACT same story. Same feelings. I do it because this is what it is. They take NO responsibility for anything. What makes it hard for me and when my Mom goes on and on about how hard the other two have it. LORD!!! They go on crusies, get their hair done, nails done. One doesn't even work!! One of my siblings makes more in child support than I make working 40 hours a week for a month! Give me a break. The other sibling is just lazy with their time and his emoations. It's easier for them to stay away and they do. But like you, I'm learning to not digress and save my energy for my family and my parents. It's exhausting.
kdutchess11 - has this helped you at all -- at least to know ur not alone? I hope so. Luv to all - have a good day.
I had called my brother when my mom had her knee replacement surgery. He had totally forgotten she was even having major surgery. I know longer keep him informed of anything. The one thing I find hard is to continue to care for mom when she is accusing my husband of stealing a silver coin. Last night she needed to get some papers out of her lockbox (where the coin used to be) and she had hidden the key in her jacket hanging in the closet. She told me hides the key now but it was too late because HE already had stolen her coin. I told her not to even go there and she I know you don't want to talk about it. I had told my sister the first time about the accusation and she said mom had given her a bag of coins the last time she was here. She scanned in the silver coin in question. I show mom the picture and she said where is it. I said it was in Florida with her daughter because she gave it to her. She never said anything I didn't see her the rest of the night. How do you deal with that kind of stuff? She hasn't talk to my husband in 2 weeks after I told her the tension was killing my health. She said she understood and was sorry I was in the middle and preceeded to not talk to him todate. One more week and she will be moving to assisted living but at this point I wished it was today. Like I have said in previous posts she was not the best mother and of course I get the blunt of it and she gives the other siblings stuff of hers but nothing for me. Its very hard because I wanted her living her to work but she couldn't stop how she feels about my husband. She hasn't talked to her sister in about 8 years because she accused her of stealing a child's wooden chair. She is very hateful. I was feeling guilty of moving her but the thought of her staying and the tension its causes me is not worth it. I hope you don't think of me as a terrible daughter. I have told her I won't abandon her I will always make sure she has what she needs and make sure she is alright but it is hard when you know how she feels about me and my husband. She has never really trust me either. I hate that I am doing her financial affairs because I never know when she will accuse me of something.
You said it perfectly, you are so right. I am trying to be cordial untill moms time comes, and let them know how she is now if they ask which isn't very often, but I will not be a part of their lives after, as I have seen their true colors through this and I dont want to have anything to do with people like that even if they are related, they do not care, are selfish and self centered, and are not supportive as family should be, who needs people like that in their lives, I am better than that and feel good I can give my mom the best care possible for the rest of her life, and she is thankful to be with me. When this is over for us, I will let them know how I feel and the truth will be said. I cannot change them and their selfish, greedy ways so I will not waste my time on them trying to get them to understand, they dont really care to hear it. I thank the Lord for all of you, we are caring people who care about each others feelings, we understand, that is why we are great caregivers. I am thankful I don't have to be like them, I only pray for them.
It truly is sad that so many of us are in the same situation. I know that when my dad passes, I will find comfort in knowing that I did all I could to keep him in his own home and as comfortable as possible in his last years, months, weeks, days. They, however, will have to live with themselves, feeling bad that they didn't take the time when they had the chance. That's if they even feel grief. Sometimes I think they are so self absorbed that they may not even grieve when their own father dies. I've written many letters to them that will be sent after my dad passes to hopefully explain to them why they will no longer be a part of my life. I wouldn't choose friends that act like them, just because they are "family" doesn't make it any different for me. I only try to keep the peace now for my dad's sake. How I love when they tell me how tired I look and I really should get some rest. Yea, maybe when pigs fly is what I want to say. It would be so much nicer if they took just a little responsibility for their parents and could take just a little time out of their "busy" lives. But I try not to digress because I know I'm wasting energy on something that isn't going to change.
I agree, there is no other place to go except to people like you who know. Your input has helped alot, I dont feel so alone and it makes it easier to continue, knowing there is support and a place to go to talk and vent. We are all togeather in this.
Yearight & Puck, Great input! And yes, we are all in this together. No one else understands the daily stress we are all under unless you are doing the same.It is so good to have all of together in one place to vent and share! Let's keep it up because it does help!!!
WOW! We are all on the same ship! Because a boats to small for ALL of us!!! I could tell you stories about my care giving experience's that would curl your hair. They would sound a lot like all of yours. The expert suggestions would be nice in a perfect world. All I can say is, We are caregivers hear us roar!!!!!!!!! We are a strong breed!!!! And as others have said we will be the ones without the guilt trips and major regrets. We are doing a good thing, yes often we feel like we are being punished but in the end it will be OK.
In a way we are all experts, I learned to give my mom her IVs, I had no choice to learn how to the wound on my mom's leg. I learned how to check blood pressure and her diabeties. We learn quick and fast when it's a dire situation. Just keeping it up every day.....
I am the youngest of my siblings and had to handle everything.... And I do mean everything. I handled doctors, nurses, IVs , washing, wound care and comodes, plus handled a husband and 3 kids with 4 on the way. Tired just typing it all.
My sister and brother could'nt handle it , Not at all, Not the medication, demands, anything, I always felt that she was better with me. That is the way I look at it.
Being an expert doesn't necessarily mean you have experienced what all of us has with our absent siblings. I used to update mine by phone, by e-mail. I used to tell them when she had an appointment and ask them to come so they could ask their own questions they might have. I used to ask them to spend a couple hours with Mom so my husband and i could get out. I used to ask them if they could give me $$help since they had asked ME to leave my job to care for Mom. I used to get stressed out and sick thinking about why they don't help or stop by to visit Mom, or even call or e-mail for updates. Until one day when one sister told the other that she no longer calls or e-mails because she got tired of my constant complaining about Mom, $$, and anything else I was worried about. So now I no longer think about my siblings, or call them, or e-mail them. Now I don't have that stress added to all the others we all have more than our share of stress and we certainly don't need more from our siblings that are supposed to be there for us!!! Let the sibling stress go!!! There is no way you can change how they feel, no matter what the experts say!!! I have found it can be very lonely, coming from a big family.
Rossellamex You are a real expert as well as most of the folks on the gross thread-I think I became an expert taking care of the husband all those years -we do not have to advertise that we are experts you can tell by reading our words
Most of the siblings don't give a damn about their mother/father or about us, the caregivers. We could send e-mails, we could send letters, we could send pigeons, we could text, we could send grenades, they would continue not to give a damn about us. And I say "give a damn" because I try to be a lady, otherwise I would use another expression, which I know very well, even if I am Italian. Every clever suggestion is purely theoretical. There are problems which don't have a solution and I don't have any more resentment, just resignation!
Yes Linda they removed my post I did the unforgivable I question Juli Siri about her being an expert all I wanted to know why she considered herself an expert-it was just a question.
I completely understand your feelings. At 30 with 3 kids I understand how hard caregiving can be, especially on your own. My sister and brother would throw in my face all their vacations and trips and here I am changing wounds and cleaning comode day after day.
The feelings of jealousy can be intense at times, I could not even leave the house for a whole day! Faith and prayer and knowing that I am better than them in a spiritly kind of way helps a lot.
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When my mom was in the CICU at the hosp. everyone kept calling up for status checks, the poor nurses and doctors must have repeated the same thing 20 times every couple of hours.
Because of that reason they had me and my husband be the Voice for the family.
Now , Nursing Homes are the same way they cannot reapeat the same thing 20times. they have one person be in charge for the whole family.
My cousins were upset (to say it nicely) because at the CICU only immediate family members were allowed to visit, and they tried saying my hubby is not an immediate family member (even though we live with her and he pays the bills).
No Voice don't get frustrated at the Home, just explain things to your sister how you want to be involved more. But that is the price you pay when you choose your career over your familyand that is that of this consequence (sis not informing You).
I always tell my family whats going on (especally when its important). When it pertains to her health, staff, whatever i try to always include them with the decisions even though I HAVE THE FINAL SAY.
I hope you can mend things with your family and just keep reminding her she is your mother too.
But my older sister and brother have no bearing on any decisions I make according to the home because I was the one that took care of her for the last 10+ years.
My elder sister and I are not on the legal documents that the facility has. Just the younger sister. Yes, I live here, and yes the staff at the facility know me too. Just saw an article in their newsletter that due to HIPAA they cannnot talk with anyone about a resident unless they are the legal responsible party or have permission from the resident/responsible party. Our younger sister should include us on everything dealing with Mom but choses not to. My other sister lives across the country and only has phone contact unless she visits here.
All children have a right to know when a parent passes, and they can make their own decisions to acknowledge it, say goodbye etc. If someone took away your right to say goodbye to your mother before she passes, how would you feel?
I have no guilt, it breaks my heart that she is so upset, but the way I look at it is I can still take her out of there on holidays and maybe even go to the zoo, just so she can be with all the grand kids.
I do have resentment for my bro and sis, that I will be the person seeing her the most but they have to live with themselves , I know I can only do what one person can.
kdutchess11 - has this helped you at all -- at least to know ur not alone? I hope so.
Luv to all - have a good day.
-SS
The one thing I find hard is to continue to care for mom when she is accusing my husband of stealing a silver coin. Last night she needed to get some papers out of her lockbox (where the coin used to be) and she had hidden the key in her jacket hanging in the closet. She told me hides the key now but it was too late because HE already had stolen her coin. I told her not to even go there and she I know you don't want to talk about it. I had told my sister the first time about the accusation and she said mom had given her a bag of coins the last time she was here. She scanned in the silver coin in question. I show mom the picture and she said where is it. I said it was in Florida with her daughter because she gave it to her. She never said anything I didn't see her the rest of the night. How do you deal with that kind of stuff? She hasn't talk to my husband in 2 weeks after I told her the tension was killing my health. She said she understood and was sorry I was in the middle and preceeded to not talk to him todate. One more week and she will be moving to assisted living but at this point I wished it was today. Like I have said in previous posts she was not the best mother and of course I get the blunt of it and she gives the other siblings stuff of hers but nothing for me. Its very hard because I wanted her living her to work but she couldn't stop how she feels about my husband. She hasn't talked to her sister in about 8 years because she accused her of stealing a child's wooden chair. She is very hateful. I was feeling guilty of moving her but the thought of her staying and the tension its causes me is not worth it. I hope you don't think of me as a terrible daughter. I have told her I won't abandon her I will always make sure she has what she needs and make sure she is alright but it is hard when you know how she feels about me and my husband. She has never really trust me either. I hate that I am doing her financial affairs because I never know when she will accuse me of something.
I thank the Lord for all of you, we are caring people who care about each others feelings, we understand, that is why we are great caregivers. I am thankful I don't have to be like them, I only pray for them.
Let's keep it up because it does help!!!
I could tell you stories about my care giving experience's that would curl your hair. They would sound a lot like all of yours. The expert suggestions would be nice in a perfect world.
All I can say is, We are caregivers hear us roar!!!!!!!!! We are a strong breed!!!!
And as others have said we will be the ones without the guilt trips and major regrets. We are doing a good thing, yes often we feel like we are being punished but in the end it will be OK.
That was the hard part.
My sister and brother could'nt handle it , Not at all, Not the medication, demands, anything, I always felt that she was better with me. That is the way I look at it.
Deefer is a great cook!
I used to update mine by phone, by e-mail. I used to tell them when she had an appointment and ask them to come so they could ask their own questions they might have. I used to ask them to spend a couple hours with Mom so my husband and i could get out. I used to ask them if they could give me $$help since they had asked ME to leave my job to care for Mom. I used to get stressed out and sick thinking about why they don't help or stop by to visit Mom, or even call or e-mail for updates.
Until one day when one sister told the other that she no longer calls or e-mails because she got tired of my constant complaining about Mom, $$, and anything else I was worried about. So now I no longer think about my siblings, or call them, or e-mail them. Now I don't have that stress added to all the others
we all have more than our share of stress and we certainly don't need more from our siblings that are supposed to be there for us!!! Let the sibling stress go!!! There is no way you can change how they feel, no matter what the experts say!!! I have found it can be very lonely, coming from a big family.
Every clever suggestion is purely theoretical. There are problems which don't have a solution and I don't have any more resentment, just resignation!
The feelings of jealousy can be intense at times, I could not even leave the house for a whole day! Faith and prayer and knowing that I am better than them in a spiritly kind of way helps a lot.
Take it a day at a time.