This is my first post but I have been a long time lurker and the answers on this forum have really helped me. I am the sole caregiver for my 80 year old mother who has had a host of health problems since 2020. I moved from another state to help her, and in the last year she has had an increase in chronic health issues (diverticulitis, ischemic colitis, kidney disease) Her last bout of ischemic colitis landed her in the ER, then rehab, then BACK to the ER because she picked up an infection in rehab. She is now in the hospital fighting a severe blood infection, and they plan to send her to a rehab again once (if) the infection clears.
I have lived out of state for many years but always came back when my mom needed me and would stay for months at a time. She now lives in an independent living building that she loves, but she has been so sick she's needed my help. I was only planning to stay with her for 6 months or so, but it has turned into two years, and I only make it back to my home every once in a while. I work remotely, so that part is easy, and I don't mind helping my mom for the most part.
However, with her illnesses becoming pretty extreme, I am starting to get very burned out, and I think my mom may have to move into assisted living.
I have a sister who is perfectly capable of helping and she just won't. She says it's because she is in school (two days a week and she can switch to online if necessary), she also blames it on a fight she had with my mom over 10 years ago and says my mom doesn't want her here (which is also just an excuse because they talk on the phone almost every day).
She also told me I should ask my mom to pay me to help her instead of moving her into assisted living. But what she doesn't realize because she is never here, is that my mom is so weak she has trouble walking and she truly may not be able to live on her own (and may need a nurse, which I am not)
Whenever my mom gets sick, which has been a lot lately, my sister will call me and bark orders at me over the phone, telling me to do this, do that, etc. But when I beg her to fly out and help me, she has a million excuses and just won't come. Our dad died many years ago, so it's basically been just me and my mom (and my absent sister).
Today, I finally got mad and basically told her I have been doing everything for my mom for the last two years and she has done nothing. I really am not exaggerating, I do laundry, shopping, back and forth to Dr appointments, take the bus every day back and forth to her rehab and/or the hospital, the list goes on and on. I also have to find time to do my remote job, it's fairly flexible so I am usually up all night finishing my assignments after my mom goes to sleep.
I think I shocked her because I rarely blow up, but I am getting so I can't handle much more. My mom is seriously chronically ill, and I'm burning the candle at both ends. By the end of the conversation, my sister had turned everything around and guilt tripped me for even asking for help. The conversation ended with me basically feeling like I did something wrong, and how dare I get mad or expect her to contribute.
Now I am sitting here letting the guilt wash over me, when I know I am in the right. Has anyone experienced anything similar to this, with an aging parent or family member not helping? Thanks.
You need to realize that you and your sister have made a choice it is just not the same choice. Each person is within their rights to make their choice. Not everyone will be in agreement or make the same choice and that is completely fine.
My advice is to figure out what help you do need with day to day issues you are responsible for with your mother. Then seek a professional to help with the tasks like laundry, shopping, maybe seek a geriatric manager for assistance with doctor appointments. Have you and your mother consulted with an eldercare attorney to secure POA, Living Will and MOLST. Those steps will alleviate some of the stress and you will be able to focus on your mothers next steps into assisted living.
It is up to you now to come to terms with her choice and move forward in the best interest of you, your health (mental and physcial) and also your mother best interest regarding the next step of the journey.
You need to relinquish resentment you have with your sister and accept the fact that she is not going to provide hands on care. Yes, you are overwhelmed and also need to relinquish some of the responsibilities you do for your mother because it is affecting your health. Seeking therapy to work with coping with the grief of your mothers declining health will be beneficial.
Wishing you peace and strength during this challenging period.
If you start burning out, and that sounds like you are starting to burn out now, then you put your own health at risk. If there is a different option, you should take it. I'm not saying abandon her, I'm just saying that you're probably doing too many things right now, many of which can be done by a facility. That would leave you free to work and get rested and when you visit mom, you will be able to enjoy her company and not worry about running for prescriptions or cleaning her up or any of the numerous things you're doing every day.
It starts out kind of small, but then the tasks become greater and greater, in terms of both duration and frequency, which is not sustainable in the long run. You've been going for 2 years while working, and that's just a lot. If it was a few months, ok, 2 years and you are hitting a wall. Yes it would be so much more helpful if your sister would help, but you have to just come to terms with that not being an option now or maybe ever.
Trust me, I went through this with my mom and a lot of my family, including some of them who mom helped a lot in life, they were in a position to help us as far as money goes but they did not. I didn't beg them, and when I realized these were my options and they didn't include the relatives, I was angry for a while but it made the decisions I made daily a lot easier. I wasn't expecting anything from them. I guess that's good because they weren't giving anything to us in any way.
It does feel crappy though.
You have been very generous with your time, but you need your own life, either back in your own home, or relocating there in town, but with your own home of your own choosing, and with a social life, enjoying visits with your mother instead of being stressed and exhausted. I assume you're taking the bus because your car is back at your own home? And you've been paying for a home that you're not even living in? Again, very generous of you, but not at all fair of your mom to expect this.
I hope you can come up for air soon. You need rest! You need sleep! You need regular work hours, not working all night while your mother sleeps and you don't! I know this is all easier said than done, but seriously, reclaim your life. Let us know how everything goes.
The real issue is to work out what happens next for Mum. Her “illnesses are becoming pretty extreme”, “she has been so sick” that she needs your live-in help, you are burned out, and you need to go home. Perhaps AL is the next step for M, but you need to check if AL can handle her level of care. Start the process, with or without support from Sis.
You should have ZERO guilt for all you are doing for Mom. You didn't cause her to get old and sick. You spend plenty of time with her. All of us will get old and die, this is a simple fact. There's nothing to stop it.
Your sister is a selfish manipulator, I wouldn't tell her anything about moving Mom somewhere. Your current situation is stressful and can't continue at this rate. Your sister has no intention of helping, so make sure you mention that. Sister is probably waiting for some type of inheritance.
Start looking for nice places to move your Mom. Assisted Living means no shopping, cooking, cleaning or laundry. They have activities and people around the same age. It's not a prison, like your lazy sister will claim.
Good luck in finding a great place. You got this!!