Formal funeral for criminal brother?

If this fellow has caused people so much pain, why are they hanging around listening to his plans to abuse from the grave? The family has no obligation to put him in their plot. Who is his executor? They get to make the decisions and pay for it. If that's his girlfriend, great, she can pay from her purse. Otherwise I'd just make sure the company that maintains the family plot knows he is not to be buried there. There's no need to argue with him- you can just say no to the girlfriend once he's gone. We've chosen body donation which is better than free as the company will scatter cremains over the Pacific. She's free to do that as well, which is not done by the state.

TELL him whatever he wants, than DO whatever you want

I do understand addiction. I have lost two cousins to drugs. Their brother got help a few years back and has been sober over 20 yrs. Our Grandfather was an alcoholic. Thank God my brothers and I missed that train.

I think your brother is expecting too much from his family. You can have a nice service cheaply. I doubt if he has a lot of friends. Family? You don't have to get the most expensive coffin. I think all graves have that liner now that protects the coffin. The service is really for the family. A way to say goodbye. Its really not needed. You can have a viewing only and then take him to the family plot and have a small service there. Or, just make it a graveside service all the way.

Cremation is the cheapest way to go. There are some really pretty urns. Find out from the cemetery if they allow the remains to be buried in an already used plot. Like Mom or Dads. You will be charged for having it opened even if he gets his own plot. Then again, have a small service.
Then just have lunch together.

A friend's mother had been living with a man who left not even an insurance policy when he died. Her Mom had gone thru any money GFs father had left her. Her Mom asked GF to pay for this man's funeral since he had no children of his own. GF agreed but she was not paying for a viewing. It was an extra 2k over 30 yrs ago. GF got a call from one of the man's nieces up in arms because there was going to be no viewing. My GF told her, if you want to pay for it.

In a similar situation I just said No. They were not and still are not happy about it but for me it was the right thing to do.

My OB was not a drug addict--as far as I know. But he was a truly dreadful waste of a human life.

He abused everyone--emotionally, physically, sexually, mentally---as he was very ill himself. And also completely aware that what he did was wrong--he lived off the grid in his own world. Stole over $200K from my parents so they lost their "dream home" and had to move in with YB. He spent time in jail, too.

He died about 6 years ago. I had gone non-contact with him the 12 years previous as he was simply too toxic to have around, plus since he abused me horrifically, I was trying to deal with PTSD and not understanding it--and getting zero support from my mother (yep, he was golden boy)....

When he died, suddenly, of a massive stroke, his kids (all estranged) had no clue what to do. He was essentially homeless and living in the basement of some woman. He had hoarded out this basement--and the kids couldn't find anything that said what he may have wanted as far as EOL wishes. They had little money and opted for cremation. The ashes were shared by some of his friends and some to mother. She wanted him buried next to daddy and the rest of us kids blew our tops at this. The cremation made that a moot point.

A year or so later some documents came forth that stated how he wanted his remains to be dealt with--well, frankly, there was no money for any of the grandiose things he wanted, so his remains are 'scattered' across the country, I guess.

You can ask for whatever you want, as far as funerals, but you have to provide the $$ to do it. YOU. Not your beleaguered family.

All my brother left behind was pain.

This thread hits home with me big time! I lost my brother in 2013. He was in his 60’s. He had a complicated life. I loved him with all my heart but his behavior caused the entire family so much grief.

When he was 13 he became addicted to heroin. He was the oldest brother, 7 years older than me. It was terribly confusing for me. Back then methadone was used to treat addicts.

My mom would pile us in the car, drive to the clinic and he would walk inside to get his fix while we waited in the car. I will never forget the sad look on my mom’s face.

No support groups back then. Lots of arguments at our house. Everything was hush hush.

Several kids told me when I was young that they couldn’t play with me because their parents told them I had a ‘bad brother’. I would cry because I said to them that I wasn’t bad but it didn’t matter. They had to obey their parents. I understood that later in life but not as a kid.

Once he had hallucinations where he thought he had growths of some sort on his arms and my parents had to wrestle a knife away from him to keep him from cutting his arms up trying to remove the imaginary growths. That terrified me!

He overdosed on our front porch. I thought he was dead. My younger brother and I ran to tell my mom. A doctor came to our house and helped him. They made house calls back then for emergencies. My brother was able to be revived. Was very scary for us.

I never understood why we had to drive for hours and pick him up from a large building (juvenile detention home) for a day pass and then bring him back. The ones that were closer he ran away from and found friends to hide out with. When I asked mom why he couldn’t come home she only told me that he did something bad. I always wondered if I was bad would I end up there too.

Later he committed armed robbery and went to prison for many years. I couldn’t bring myself to visit him and see him locked up.

He got HepC. Mom and dad were ailing by then. They asked me to take care of him, doctor appointments, hospital visits, shopping and so forth.

My dad died. Hurricane Katrina hit our city. Mom moved in with us.

He had a horrible motorcycle accident. I was the only one at the hospital for the surgery. He nearly died. He asked me to buy heroin for him. I told him I would never purchase drugs for him. I fell apart and a nurse told me to take care of myself.

I set him up with hospice. He lied about everything to them. He ate the pain pills like candy. I helped him clean his apartment and almost stuck myself on one of his dirty needles. I finally told my mom I couldn’t help him anymore.

I had tried to get him to go to rehab. I truly tied all I could to help him. His problem was bigger than he was.

He stopped hospice, eventually became homeless. I prayed daily for him.

An old man took pity on him and let him stay in a trailer on his property. When he became very sick he brought him to an end of life hospice program.

I brought my mom to see him. He was nothing but skin and bones. He never apologized for hurting me but three nurses told me that he was sorry and that he loved me. I forgave him completely. I was the last one with him seconds before he died. The nurse called me as we were backing out of the parking lot to say he died.

My mom asked me to make the funeral arrangements. He was cremated and is in our family plot. We had a priest go to hospice and say a graveside service.

I have mixed emotions. I loved him as a brother but I hated having an addict in our family. I have enormous compassion for addicts but there is no denying that it is hell for everyone.

He wasn’t a bad kid before that. His best friend asked him to try it because he was lonely. His father was a doctor and was never, ever home, at ball games, nothing and wanted to escape the loneliness and asked my brother to join him. His best friend ended up dead too, couldn’t pay his dealers so they beat him to death.

I can relate, do what you feel is best.

This is a sad situation but I think you could tell him you'll have a send-off of some kind for him but that under the circumstances it's not going to be an expensive shin-dig. Tell him he's lost the right to be saying things like he won't hear of the state's cremating him or burying him. He lost the right to call the shots when he chose the life style he did.

Entitlement is a silly overused word I M O. Too many people, I don't care who you are, how you look, what you do, no one is really entitled to anything. But you reap what you sow. He should just concentrate maybe on making things right with you guys and his maker instead of worrying about what kind of casket he is going to lay in.

I read the responses on this site from siblings about a drug addicted brother who is mom's favorite even though he has problems keeping a job , sister who was narcissistic but mom made her executor of the will anyway or a brother who borrowed $200,000 for a business venture that failed and on and on.
Your brother was just given a death sentence at the age of 55 and you sound like he should taken care of by the state! What is wrong with you people? You said that you and your other family members are doing good financially give the poor guy a decent burial. If the girlfriend's idea of a funeral includes a gold death mask or something over the top then of course draw the line. Considering she's the only one who actually cares about your brother she's probably devistated.
Here's a little clue about most drug addicts:. If there was a magic pill they could take that would cure them 97% of them would take it. I don't know why you feel the need to punish him even after he's dead but it's posts like yours that makes me glad I'm an only child.

Welp. This may sound harsh. But to heck with the girlfriend...get a job and get then have a say. So sorry, because some people have legitimate issues and need assistance. But if she's not one of those, then let that go. And, harsh again, but maybe tell him nothing. Just deal with this the best you can, and find peace with it. We all have choices to make and there are consequences to the decisions we make. If he is addicted to drugs, not that it's a choice actually, but getting help and changing the way they live is a choice, and maybe he chose not to change. I wish you well. You're in a tough situation.

It seems clear that none of you wants to pay for the elaborate funeral he is planning. He can plan all he wants. The least expensive thing would be immediate cremation in alternative container. Go to a funeral home now to check it out. As next of kin, I believe you siblings would have legal say in the arrangements and girlfriend, not being a spouse, has no say at all. If girlfriend wants something different, and is paying for it, I'm sure you would agree to it. If she is not paying, why would she get a say? As to what you tell him, when he brings it up, nod and smile and change the subject. When the time comes, do what you feel is right.

Your brother lived his life by his choices.....so why should you and your families have to pay for his funeral? And he just may get a surprise about “ all the drugs” he thinks he will get in hospice. I worked in oncology and i lost a husband to pancreatic cancer.......hospice is a godsend, but for someone who has a drug problem, he may not get the relief he will so desperately need at the end because of his drug use .....does he think this is a joke?? I feel so bad for you and your siblings having to go thru this. Im sending healing blessings to yall and may you have peace in your hearts when this is over....

It doesn't matter what you tell him. When the time comes, he won't be around to check up. Just get through the next few months as peacefully as possible. You owe him nothing. Treat any porkies as a different version of the 'therapeutic lie' we all talk about.

Well, I have the same... in the future anyway. One of my brothers is in prison and will not be out until 2027. My other brother is on assistance. I have insurance policies for both enough just to pay for what I think will be necessary.
Tell him you will "take care of it". Promise nothing. No point in arguing. Make no written contract.
Girl friend -- pay for what you can but if you want a major funeral/burial -- better get a job.
Do what you can. If its only what the state can do well that's it.
Can't get blood from a turnip.
hgnhgn

You tell him that you can afford for HIM to pay for creamation, and then maybe YOU will pay for him to be buried in the family plot. Of course you may have to pay for the creamation.. but at least he knows you are not his paycheck any more , as it sounds like you have all been for years. Don't mean to sound mean, but it sounds to me like you don't really want to be responsible for this . If you do, and I am wrong.. then you just go along with it and get it over with. But be prepared for all his and GFs junkie friends to mooch off of you and cause a scene at the funeral.