My grandmother is peeing in cups and pooing in her hands. How do I confront this behavior?

You mention relationship grandmother, question is why are you responsible for her care, what is your age? where are your parents? does she have other children.
This is not the job for you and neither is kind of care good for your grandmother. Do yourself and her a favor, fine her a good ALH, NH, or someone who is trained in assisting her. I have a feeling you left out a lot of information do to our lack of understanding your situation. Please get you & her the help that's needed. Prayers for you both.

I still hold true to my previous post, the first 10 or so responders to your question, didn't have sufficient information from you, and now that you Have given more info, the responses became much more sympathetic to you, simplybecause they knew more about you and your situation.

As for Grandma peeing in a cup, I think it could be a generational thing, people of that Era, especially Europeans, often had under the bed pans, and thought nothing of going pee into a container, and pouring in out, and many people even put there excrement into the garden for free fertilizer, and I kno6, because I grew up in a British family, and heard many stories about the "old days". You say she has full mental faculties, but just the fact that these changes in her behavior indicate that something is slipping, and don't we all to dome degree at an advanced age?

There nay be a sliver of her bring, still triggering the Old days, where these things were common place, but to us in this new century, are completely uncommon.

What you need to do I'd find a solution that works for you and your sensibilities, as Grandma doesn't find these things abnormal., in whatever capacity she now has, as obviously something has changed. Perhaps to her it just makes sense to do things this way. Perhaps she is embarrassed to ask you for solution because she is ashamed that she is unable to make the climb to the second floor to the bathroom, and this is what makes sense to her.

The main thing is that you are uncomfortable with it, and need and alternative solution, that works for you both, and a commode seems to be the best one yet.

Hey, I currently have my 87 year old FIL dying and on in my home, there are Many things going on here that I am Extremely uncomfortable with, but it all comes down to your ability to cope, and when that gives out, and you are Burned Out, then frustration and Resentment kicks in, and you are simply no longer a good option for the primary Caregiver, as you become short tempered, depressed, snappy at other and sometimes even to the one you really caring for, I know that I have!

Listen, I would never have chosen to do the end of life caregiving for my FIL, if there wasn't an end in site, and that's the God's honest truth. The only reason I'm doing this is for my husband, so that he feels better about his Dad having the best care possible, to the end of his life. It's a B*@#H of a job, and an unpaid one at that.

So my advice to you is to listen and think about all the great advice you been given, by the many folks here that have been in your shoes. No matter how much we love them, this job Sucks, and you've got to make the best of it. I often have to remind myself to put my self in their shoes. They don't want to be dependent on us, they hate to ask for help, and they often think that there way is the only way, so they are stuborn as H*LL.

As caregivers, it is a job we've taken on, generally out of Love, but we do have the Right to have them cared for in a different environment, or by a team of caregivers, if there is money to pay for it. It a choice, and not an easy one. And there should Always be an out! Things change as the years advance, on Both ends! Many caregivers are taking care of someone in their 90's and above, which makes the Caregiver in their 60's, 70's, and even in their 80's! Burn Out is Real! Make sure you always get time for You, and I know, easier said than done!

I saw a lot of judgement on the replies here. If I was caring for someone who did that I would be losing it too. There is no easy answer. Grandma is at a point that you can no longer care for her at home and there is no shame in that. I think it is time to let the professionals take over your grandmother's care.

Sorry you went through so much. Good luck to you and your grand mother

May the LORD Bless you + keep you, May the LORD make his face to shine upon you, May the LORD lift up his countenance upon you, + give you his peace. AMEN.
Numbers 6:24-26.

... to (xxxxxxxxxxxxxx) robin ( if that is your name) you are "correct in feeling several had attacked you, as Ive read most and they have ... but I'm assuming it's because little is known of your circumstances so they tend to judge and judge harsh and begin to direct, and begin to assume worst case scenarios rather than waiting for clarification (which no matter the reason they give is not cool no matter how it's dished out) 

... one thing; All must realize they only allow a specific number of characters per question posted so most questions or issues are having to be condensed, therefore leaving much detail out. (Posters in their own defense need to come back onto the thread and explain a tad more to stop the witch hunt ... because now this site is full of paid bloggers that never return after a post is posted leaving commenters in the dark and feeling foolish) ... By the way, Im the one that assumed you're in Europe ... (ps~ we also share a name but mine is spelled with a "y" ~)

Well, you should heed the doc's advice, I guess. Take care. I hope he has some good input about your grandmother. 

Robin, I just read the whole thread. I don't see attacks. I see good advice.

I hope gram's doctor has some good advice for you.

I think perhaps our definitions of incontinence differ. My is "when the patient can no longer urinate or defecate in the appropriate place".

Yours seems to be "as long as gram is AWARE of the fact that she is urinating or defecating, she is NOT incontinent".

Good luck dear.

dont know why im bothering to reply as whatever i say im attacked, well done the person that noticed im from europe, i am from the UK, our home was built in the 1900s, when make they didnt even have bathrooms and only had outside toilets(google terrace house) in the 60s and 70s houses were remodelled, removing the outside toilet and putting a full bathroom on the first floor, us brits are amazed how so many houses in the US have to room for ensuite bathrooms in every single bedroom.
im amazed how many people ignore most of what ive said and just say it is an incontinence issue when ive said that it isnt and ofcourse you lot know the issue better than me(sarcasm).
she is fully compos mentis as ive said before, but nobody wants to listen.
as for help, we had a nurse who would help her dress(she didnt want me to do it)
but now she doesnt want to get dressed and gets around in a dressing gown.
today i spoke to my GP and and mentioned how everyone thought im doing a poor job, he said he would pop round tomorrow and have a talk.
he also said i should not bother with this forum as it sounds toxic.

Seems as though there is a lot of animosity to this question about peeing in cups. After reading all the answers several times and reflecting on each, the person posting the question regarding grammy peeing in cups better wake up and smell the roses. Your Grandmother needs help. This is a wonderful website and people responding are sincere when attempting to help those who reach out to others needing advice and suggestions. Suggesting grammy use a bedside commode is very realistic and makes sense. I am a professional caregiver and have been for nearly 20 years. I did not see any hurtful comments regarding answers to your situation. If you do not need help and get upset and accusatory with answers you do not wish to hear, don't ask. Many caregivers are on a thin thread every day coping and caring for loved ones---many experiencing more dire situations than this one. Perhaps Grammy pees in cups because she doesn't know where else to pee! I change adult diapers and use wipes every day and it doesn't bother me. And, yes, there are times I am peed on! I am grateful that I can help those who can no longer help themselves. There isn't anything embarrassing about this! So cough up your indignities and learn to listen to others who walk the path every day. You should be grateful---not resentful.

When I was in my teens in the early 70s, we lived in a newly-built townhouse complex in a unit with only 1 bath, and it was on the 2nd floor. My uncle lived with us, and for a few weeks after he'd been injured in a car crash, he had to use a commode-ish arrangement in the foyer. Tough on everybody, but necessary.

As for "trolling," I don't know. The OP did respond most unfavorably to the first suggestions that came through, despite the fact that they made sense. But, to be fair, sometimes the sensible sounds unduly harsh to people who are new on the scene.

~ 3 things tonight...
#1...who even brought up the whole issue of a "troll" anyway... I've read back and don't see anything referencing it before.
#2.. who-said "homes always have at least a 1/4 bath on the main?" (Sorry Charlie you're wrong ;)
#3... to those of you who said you are "picking up on things from this poster as being a troll.?

.... ok, then I'm going to assume you picked up on they're not from the US right? .. if you didn't then let me help you. Poster used two words that are used in Europe or East Africa (the queens English) ... the words they used were "bin" = trash ..and "garden" = yard. Now perhaps the poster will let you know where they're from .. and the logistics of their housing may likely have no 1/4 baths (or any other fraction) on the main because of the year (as well as style) a large percentage of older two or more level homes in Europe (or even the US) are originally without toilets on the main .... (and hate to further burst your bubble, but I was raised in a home in the Midwest (in the US) that was built in the early 70's .. a multi level, and guess what, no john on the main. (Just sayn

If you are working at home, schedule bathroom breaks with your alarm on fone. It must be a blessing to get paid to work from home ! Take her with you when you go to shops and garden, as you say thats when this happens. Every accident should be approached as an accident. When we believe we can control or prevent all accidents it becomes tortuous on our minds and bodies.

Ali, where I live, older homes ( the ones built in the 1880-1920s) don't have a bathroom or powder room on the "parlour floor", ie, the main living area.

Can you get her a commode, which is a toilet in a chair frame, that she can have easy access to? The toilet basin is like a child's potty that easily lifts out of the frame for emptying into the toilet.

Oohhh, really, a troll? I didn't read the entire thread. You know what I was wondering about but didn't want to be rude, is what house has no bathroom on its living room level?

Strangest thing to stick in my mind, but I couldn't picture it. The only floors of any house that don't have at least a half bath would be a basement level, or an upstairs bedroom level. I think. Strange.

It seems your grandma has attempted to take care of the pee by putting it in a cup. As far as pooing in her hands that seems her plan to keep it off the floor or furniture. Is she going in her panties? You don't seem to have mentioned that. If so try paper disposable panties and wet wipes. Poo and pee are a natural part of life. Do you have children? All mother's have been through this with their babies. Try to talk about pee and poo with her and make it fun. She should have no shame. It seems that she might take to a pee collector that might be better than a cup. How about a plastic bag she could go in, instead of her hands or a bedpan or camping gear that she could poo in. Did I read that you work at home? If you do, that would be perfect to get to know her schedule and or to periodically help her with whatever devices you can find to neatly collect excretments. Keep a bowl available to wash her hands and also wet wipes are great and plastic gloves for yourself. Use a fingernail pic to clean under her nails and a solution of water/ peroxicide on a fingernail brush. She might like the love and attention she is getting. Give her a prize if she has a big poo or if she goes in the pot or pee collection device. Look, have you ever gone to a urologist? They give their patients a paper cup to pea in. It is not so bad. Have a place for her to put the cups. It seems like grandma is trying to manage. Get her going in a little different direction. She needs help and love. Before you send her away because it is so disgusting to you, try to change your attitude. I missed out on a great opportunity when I had my children to change poopy diapers. Husband, Mother, in-laws, babysitter did most of that. I am Mother's 24 x 7 caretaker.  What help me change my attitude is that I heard a speaker at church talk about how much she loved her _____________, but never said baby. We went through the whole presentation of love for a loved one and being a caretaker and were surprised at the end that the loved one was her grandfather and yes, the presentation included changing diapers.

I feel sorry for your Grandma. What is wrong with you. At her age, you EXPECT her to walk upstairs to pee and poop? Gosh I hope you have someone with a tender heart to help you when you are her age. I feel SO sorry for her. Quite frankly, you should call Seniors with Disabilities and get her into a place where she will be cared for in a more loving way. I am certainly happy you are not my grandmother.

Erin, trolls post to stir things up, to get answers just for the sake of it, to manipulate, to provoke. They're aren't interested in answers; they're interested in provocation. And the posts' topics are usually provocative as well, to lure people in to respond.

They don't address the answers in specifics but complain about them or their alleged abusive treatment by posters. They "stir the pot".

Look back through the first few pages, make some mental notes of suggestions, and see the OP's responses, how they avoid the issues but just complain about the treatment, singling specific posters out for attack.

The signs were there by the time the OP posted the second time.

With some posters, sugar coating the issue works, with others tough love works best.

There are times when a poster just wants everyone to agree with his/her situation, when in fact, that is not the case. Experience wins every time.

I remember when I first came on this forum years ago, I got tough love from one writer. Sure I was taken aback by it, but lo and behold, she was 100% correct regarding the situation. She was able to see the forest for the trees.

Ok. I'm 56. Trolls were little plastic toys my daughter used to play with ,with her toy dinosaurs. So. Please tell me what is a troll now?

I think a troll would post more often, where is the fun if you don't antagonize anyone and stir things up?
In any case I think the OP has heard enough, I know I have.

Agree with glad I'm here.

Hi, so I am offering no judgement. I did not have an experience to the extreme you are having, however my mom was peeping in her clothes. I would find her spoiled clothes hidden all over the house. At the time I could not understand why. I have seen her get to go to the bathroom and not have issues. I tried talking to her about not being embarrassed. Everyone has accident. It took me a month to truly understand that this behavior was OK to her. She was not embarrassed or upset it was just what her norm had become. Her attitude and behavior were very child and like a child she could not understand what the problem was.
Unfortunately the issues really is ours, because unlike a child they can not longer learn what we decide is proper behaviour.
The suggest everyone is offering is to help you deal with this new symptom of her dementia in a way that does not belittle your grandmother for being wrong (which she will never understand) and for you not to have to have pee in your cups.
I know it was hard for me to see the signs of my mom's decline in mental state and a few times it took an outside perspective to realize she was showing further decline and was not OK.
I am sorry you did not get the answers you wanted but the truth is she really might not be in control as you think (her mental decline does not always mean she can't go up and downstairs. She honestly doesn't think it to be necessary).
Hugs it does not get easier.

Better living room than kitchen, IMO. I think we have a troll. How in the world would grandma be able to catch it in her hands if she cannot climb the stairs?

Bedside commode !! Yes, out in the living room,, just close the curtains,.

I feel your pain :( I am taking care of my 83 year old mother with mid-stage dementia and she is pooping anywhere she pleases. I place pull-ups on her but she removes them in the walk-in closet in the bedroom and it falls out all over the place . It is God awful no doubt but my mother would never ever in her right mind do such a thing.. It is the dementia :(
I try to get her to sit on the toilet after each meal. I sit there with her until she attempts to have a bowel movement 10 15 mins. sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't . I have to clean her because she's forgotten how to clean herself we've had some extraordinary episodes where she literally finger-painted my furniture herself her clothes her hair her face with poop. Your grandmother is in her late 90s ! I would consider myself blessed if my mother would have waited till then to start with this . Climbing steps at that age is dangerous . I agree with the advice given about placing a commode on the main floor . This is part of the dementia process and if you intend to be her permanent caregiver adjust or look for other Solutions .

If your house is not "grandma friendly", a small family-based care home might work for her--one with an easily accessible bathroom, and caregivers whose main responsibility is care. Your stairs could be very dangerous!

.... I see you are all finally "learning about "posters." It's about time you are all applying intelligence rather than only emotion to these questions that pop up on your screens. For the past year on many upon many posted question threads, I've reiterated the need for authors of questions to provide more information to enable solid advice or suggestions as desired responses come in ...also, you have been made aware, that many (a very large percent) questions on this and other sites are initiated by paid bloggers (some are not but differences between the two are easily seen) .. Good to see many of you are finally becoming aware.

Xxxxx, first off, the posters can only respond to what information is given, and often the Original Poster asks their questions out of frustration, and Not enough information is given. It's seems that now that you have given more info in your care and history with Grandma, better advice will be given to you.

It's clear you are frustrated, and that your Grandma's dementia is progressing and that you are not prepared for it, or haven't yet had the time to educate yourself on what's currently happening or is to come, and that's understandable, your working, you have no additional help, your BURNED OUT! It's loud and clear, and coming accross in your posts!

Please believe me, the posters here on this site will be your best friend in the coming days, weeks and months, so don't give up now! You've told us more, and more helpful advice will be on the way, so take a deep breath, and try to understand both sides of a community advice and friendship column, where the written word does not always come accross as understanding as it could have face to face.

I personally do not have a lot of experience with dementia, but I too am beginning to have some difficult issues with my FIL who is bedbound with lung cancer and on Hospice in my home, and is losing his mental faculties, possibly due to the cancer spreading to his brain. After 6 or so years, I learn something on here everyday!

This is a different journey for all of us, but I promise you, the good people on this site will be a godsend, when you really need it! Try hard to really explain your questions and responses, so that everyone gets a clear picture! Don't give up here!