I'm am 18 years old and have been taking care of my 80 year old grandmother for about 2 months now. Her husband has been deceased for 14 years now. My grandmothers daughter (aka my mother), passed away in 2008 and her son (my "uncle") doesn't want to have anything to do with my grandmother or my family and is just waiting for her to die. My father and grandmother have never gotten along, so it isn't a choice for my dad to help me take charge. I am alone on my own with this situation I about about to speak about so any help is appreciated. Two years ago, my grandmother had a very bad leg infection that cause her to fall and had to be rushed to the ER. My father, my younger sister, and I have been left to take care of her dog on top of our own cat and dog, which wasn't a big ordeal for a few months. She was then transferred to a nursing home/rehab center for care while she got surgeries on her leg. She was then diagnosed with a cancerous brain tumor and had to go through tons of chemo. She beat the Cancer and the leg infection, and was then told she needed surgery for cataracts is her eyes (that hasn't happened yet). I did not know about any of these things, because my uncle did not keep my updated because he himself could careless about her and wasn't there to support her. After many calls and pleas for me to help her get out and back home, the nursing home finally was able to get her discharged and healthy enough after a year and a half. I drove her home, went grocery shopping, cleaned her house, cared for her until the home care nurses and aids were able to start visiting her a few times a week. She got weaker and weaker, was barely able to go to the bathroom alone, refused to eat food that she asked me to get for her, and couldn't make it to the phone in time when the aids called to let them know they were coming, so they didn't show up. Multiple times I let the home care know the door was unlocked and they were able to get in. She would always end up on the ground because she was too weak to walk, and I would always have to throw out my muscles trying to help her up (I don't want to admit it but I'm a frail, 110lb female and she weighs 175lb, and cannot lift her like that on my own). One fall last month I needed to call an ambulance, and they admitted her to the hospital. She was discharged and sent home and was fine, but things started to progressively get worse. She wasn't taking her medicine on her own, she wasn't washing herself, and refused help from the aids when the call but insisted I came over to do everything for her. I did when she needed it, but its honestly starting to wear me out a lot. Just this week, she fell again and called an ambulance, but apparently refused to go to the hospital when they came. I haven't heard from her all week, she usually calls me every day, so I decided to stop at her house. I found her on the floor, again, crying for me to help her up. I refused, propped her head up, and called an ambulance, and she was takes to the hospital. The house was a complete wreck, nothing like I had seen from her before, feces were covering the bathroom, and trails of it were on the floor from her crawling. She hasn't been taking her important medication, or antipsychotics. She is a threat to herself but refuses to go to a nursing home. She is not in the right state of mind, and says and does irrational things half of the time. I am afraid for her and her health. I don't want her to live the way she is living. It is also starting to kill me. I lost my job, I can't go back to college, I'm getting physically sick, I'm getting panic attacks, and I am developing extreme insomnia. I have issues of my own such as severe clinical depression and have been trying to battle it for 5 years and finally got to work with a psyciatrist last October. This situation is hindering my ability to get better mentally and is making me hurt mentally and physically. She is in the hospital right now and I believe this is the best chance for me to talk to someone there about this whole mess of a situation. I wish I would have never taken her out of the home. I cannot provide adequate care for her, and I feel bad about that. I want her to be well cared for 24hrs like she needs. I am basically her primary caregiver other than help from her aids/nurse/physical therapist that she sees a few times a week. I am alone, and have no advice from any one else. Any input would be highly appreciated. I'm just worried I wont be able to get her into a nursing home because she continuously screams about the "misery" at the last one and how she will never go back. That is the best option for her, she cannot care for herself even with the help of us, and she needs 24hr care. I need all of the help I can get.
Know that you are doing your best for her, even if she's angry with you. You ARE doing the right thing.
You are a very strong young woman and have come a long way so you are highly commended for doing the right thing for everyones best future.
As CM said the anger is all about Gradnma feeling helpless but there comes a time in fact many times where we all have to accept out situation and limitationsand make the best of it or continue to be anger and bitter. You can't change the way she feels only continue to love her and be there for her.
Like you, I am the grandchild and primary caregiver for my grandma who has alzheimer's...and your experience mirrors mine with having to leave my job, and continuing to sacrifice my own life for the care of her. She too is very combative in many aspects like those here have/are experiencing. This site and the emails I get everyday have been so helpful to let me know that I am not alone in this battle. And while I may be a generation younger than most...that the experiences are the same...and I can take the information from each person's posts and attempt to apply them to my situation. Sounds like you are well on your way with getting additional support from your care receiver's primary care doctor and staff. Definitely lean and stay on the minds of your care-reciever's primary care staff and the gereatric nurse and social worker assigned to continue to get the help you need. The squeaky wheel definitely gets the grease in this case. By your postings, there is no doubt that you are doing a wonderful job. Some motivations that keep me going are knowing that its not my fault, and I should not feel guilty for missing something in regards to caregiving for my loved one. It is not my fault that my care receiver's end of life plan of "I'll just die peacefully on my couch at home." has not happened the way she thought it would. I just try to do the best I can...and work with whatever little help...or mere suggestions come from other members of team grandma. They just don't have that caregiving gene. I have a thought/saying that some of us are born with the caregiving gene...and others are not. How fortunate for our care receivers, they have us in their lives. Many of those here on aging care have that caregiving gene no doubt. I wish you all the strength as you continue your journey with your care receiver.
The doctor at the ER said she was fine, and I said to the doctor that she keeps falling out of bed, that she needs 24/7 supervision, and that is not the right place for her. Well the doctor admitted her for 3 days as per medicare rules. Then she went to a skilled nursing facility, and I slept much better knowing she was taken care of. So the post from looloo is right on. DO NOT bring her back if she is in the hospital. Stand your ground, be firm, and explain the situation to the doctor. They cannot send her home if she cannot care for herself. The social worker will help you find a place. That's what they do. You are such a strong young woman for 18 years old, and mature beyond your years for handling this so well. Good luck and keep the strength. Remember, you have a life ahead of you. I don't mean to sound harsh, but your grandmother lived hers. Take care of yourself
My advice to you is to get help from either Adult Protective Services, explain that you are not able to care for her, and she needs help. If she's home call 911 and have her admitted to the hospital for a change in cognition, or level of consciousness. Explain that she's unable to care for herself and cannot be discharged home. Talk to the social worker in the hospital and explain your caregiver exhaustion and ask if she can recommend resources for you. Tell her that you're no longer going to be able to help your grandmother at home. If she's in a nursing home you can visit and return to being her granddaughter. You really need help. I hope you can get some relief. Sending all the best positive energy to you for your own self healing. Good luck.
Jessica, the important thing now is for you to get strong enough to go back to school. You don't want to abandon your grandma, for sure, but she's in a good, safe place. Look ahead to your own life.
My suggestion: if you are going to bring her the shirts, take them only to the front door/desk (later the better!) and tell the employee that this is for Mrs. Mary Smith, would she please see that she gets it. I really don't think grandma needs the shirts. Almost all the old ladies I know complain that they are too cold and wear sweaters. Just don't go see her in person until her delusions settle.
It's ok for her to make up reasons for her being there and believing the fantasy that she will be out soon. You are doing a good job telling her that she can get out as soon as the doc releases her. Hang in there! You are a fantastic granddaughter!
God Bless you. Raffy in WI
In any event, it's very good to hear from you, and hope that you are taking care of YOU and getting strong enough to go back to school.
You need to be very vocal, both with grandma and social servces, you do not intend nor are you obligated to be her old age living plan! You need to go back to school.
finally, after much discussion, reflection, soul searching, reading and professional consultation, we decided a nursing home was our best option. the stress on us kids and our own marriages was a lot.
had we used my mother's remaining savings to pay for help at home, the money would have run out and she would go on medicaid, which meant complying with their rules and using whomever they hired, and going to whatever nursing home they wanted. not happy with this potential outcome, we used her existing funds to place her into the highest rated nursing home in our metro area. when her funds run out and she goes on medicaid, they will not kick her out. the facilities and care are quite good....but still, far from ideal, so we still get periodic calls from my mother. paranoia is kicking in, and she trusts kids more than staff. to complicate matters, some staff have indeed required counseling for insensitive/inappropriate comments and behavior toward my mother.
Apart from this, my mother has improved and stabilized. the point of this long missive is that sometimes moving a parent/grandparent into a full-time care facility is best for everyone. in our case, its not perfect, and we are still involved in trying to make things good for her and to let her know we love her.
i wish you the best as you move forward in this odyssey. i am glad you have received help not only for your mother, but for yourself. if you are not healthy, you certainly will be of little use to her and your own life will suffer. Godspeed!