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Update: Another month later and I am back at square one. She was found on the floor again, by her in-home physical therapist, and se was admitted to the hospital a week ago. The same social worker I spoke to from the hospital previously had called me regarding her and said that she is not fit to live at home. She was then moved back to the nursing home for "short-term" stay, once again. I haven't been helping her or allowing her to use me. She has left me 35 voicemails in the past week, rambling about all sorts of things, from getting a lawyer against the doctor because she thinks he's killing her, people are stealing the clothes I brought her (I never took clothes to her), calling me by my mothers name (who had been deceased for 7 years), and calling me by my uncles name, and much more. She is NOT in the right state of mind. She is at the nursing home/rehab center right now, but she still thinks she's at the hospital. I just got off of the phone with the social worker from the nursing home, and once again she didn't give me any help. I explained to her everything that was going on, I asked if they did any types of test for dementia because my grandmother is and has been out of it and progressively getting more confused and aggressive, and she told me they only do it for long term residences, and can't for my grandmother since she is short term. She told me she can't do anything else for the situation but try to suggest to my grandma to stay, which my grandmother is not going to do under any circumstance. I am furious with the lack of help I am receiving from the so called social workers. I'm just going to have to go down there and get extremely serious with my grandmother and the social worker. I will not continue to be in this situation, and I will not continue to let my grandmother live the way she is living at home. I am at the point where I'm not stressed out but instead angry with this whole thing. I am going to have let go of all of my emotions and be extremely stern with my grandmother. I'm telling her how it is and if she doesn't like it, she can find help somewhere else. I don't want to sound insensitive by saying I don't want to help her, because I do, but I'm very concerned for my grandmother. The best help I can provide for her is to get her in a SAFE place to live. I want her to be safe and healthy and she CANNOT get that at home. I'm thinking if I tell her how I truly feel and show her the reality of everything, and stop holding it back, she MAY just agree. I highly doubt it though, I truly do. She does not care what any one has to say, and the fact that she is becoming more and more irrational and confused will definitely not help the situation. Again, I will continue to keep everyone updated. If there are any more suggestions I would highly appreciate it. Like I said, I have not been enabling her to depend on me (even though she does). I have been keeping very distant from her, and I have not been allowing her to push me around. Since I am the only she has, i must continue distancing myself and stop enabling her to use me, as you all have suggested, in order to attempt to get her to realize she can't live on her own.
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Jessica, I'm so sorry you have felt hurt with some the answers, they do mean well and most have been through what you are going through, but usually at an older age. You have your whole life ahead of you and you, wisely, know you need to make changes but there is a lot of guilt about sending your grandmother to AL, and of course the money issue.
As far as the guilt, please read what I just wrote about AL. My mother is/has been absolutely adamant about not being in AL. When people are older they don't want to give up their independence or their homes or comfort zone. Physically and mentally Mom had to be somewhere safer, so we forced it. (but not until after 5 years of dealing with her needs and delaying for fear of feeling guilty and her not wanting to admit she needed help.) It appears at this point, she has made friends and adjusted (just as she did in independent living).
The money issue is tough, and you need expert advice to navigate the system depending on your grandmother's financial circumstances. Adult protective services should be able to help - keep after them, and don't accept no for an answer, try social services, and if all else fails - that is what your congressman or congresswoman is for. Yes - that is part of their responsibility - and their staff is trained to cut through the red tape for you (same goes for your state legislator) A Home for Mom is a good facility locator and they keep in touch well. You can get to them on line and they will phone your right back - its free.
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Jess, I tried to put myself in your shoes, and my heart ached a little too much. I want to say the right thing to make you feel better, but I don't know what that is. I'm sure you've tried to help her understand that a NH, is where she needs to be; but she's probably said you want to get rid of her or flatly insisted she's not going anywhere. Our moral compass is the hygiene of our soul, and your conscience will torment you if you decide to just walk away as if it weren't your responsibility either.

Only thing I can think of is bringing a medical expert(s) and have him/her talk her into re-entering a NH; and/or making sure she gets 24/7 professional care in the comfort of her own home.
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I, too, checked on VA benefits for my mother because her husband was a WWII vet. Her social security income was over the limit (because her husband did not take SS until he was 70) and she had some savings. Its a catch 22, because if you make above the VA maximum income limit you get no benefit even though your income is not enough to pay for AL, and if a person is wise enough to save some money to pay for extra care or serious medical problem, they are denied VA assistance. In other words, serving your country in the military, even giving your life,if you have been frugal and saved, you get nothing from them. It works like welfare, not on a sliding scale. The one good thing my mother got was Tricare for life which is a great policy (so far) and the funny thing is, she is so healthy she doesn't use it except to pay for bi-annual checkups and a generic anti-depressant.
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what child would not want to keep their parent(s) home and away from a nursing home. this is exactly what the four of us grown children (2 living nearby and 2 out of state) were thinking two years ago when my widowed mother (who lived alone) kept falling at home and calling for our help. part of the problem was that severe nerve damage made it increasingly difficult for her to walk, even with a walker. unfortunately, surgery and follow-up rehab did not improve her ability to walk. her adjustment in the temporary rehab center was difficult. it didn't help the vast cultural difference between her and the nurses, especially the cna's, whose accents were difficult for my mother to understand, and whose manner in dealing with my mother was frankly, blunt and inflexible. back at home problems were compounded by my mother's serious drinking of wine (she persuaded well-intended friends to purchase it for her). when dexterity became a problem she had these friends unscrew the cork. late at night, alone, she'd sometimes drink straight out of the bottle when pouring it became difficult due to her shaking (anxiety + parkinsons). naturally, she did not want to leave home. the cost of home care was such that her savings would be exhausted in less than two years. of the two of us who lived nearby, both had full-time jobs, one with considerable travel, which meant one sibling was getting calls for assistance nearly daily. of course, it goes without saying, the relationship between my mother and her children was no longer what it used to be; we became caregivers most of the time and on those occasions when we were able to hire part-time help through county services, this required full-time management, because my mother often had issues with them.
finally, after much discussion, reflection, soul searching, reading and professional consultation, we decided a nursing home was our best option. the stress on us kids and our own marriages was a lot.

had we used my mother's remaining savings to pay for help at home, the money would have run out and she would go on medicaid, which meant complying with their rules and using whomever they hired, and going to whatever nursing home they wanted. not happy with this potential outcome, we used her existing funds to place her into the highest rated nursing home in our metro area. when her funds run out and she goes on medicaid, they will not kick her out. the facilities and care are quite good....but still, far from ideal, so we still get periodic calls from my mother. paranoia is kicking in, and she trusts kids more than staff. to complicate matters, some staff have indeed required counseling for insensitive/inappropriate comments and behavior toward my mother.
Apart from this, my mother has improved and stabilized. the point of this long missive is that sometimes moving a parent/grandparent into a full-time care facility is best for everyone. in our case, its not perfect, and we are still involved in trying to make things good for her and to let her know we love her.

i wish you the best as you move forward in this odyssey. i am glad you have received help not only for your mother, but for yourself. if you are not healthy, you certainly will be of little use to her and your own life will suffer. Godspeed!
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Jessica, I've said this before and it offended you. But just because grandma refuses to spend money on her care does not mean that You have to throw yourself on the alter of her selfishness.

You need to be very vocal, both with grandma and social servces, you do not intend nor are you obligated to be her old age living plan! You need to go back to school.
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Time to apply for Medicaid. I don't know what state you're in, Look up 'One Generation,". This note is for everyone: Finding resources for our elders is a full-time job. Any help/information you can supply is a gift. Use all the professionals,--social workers, friends, lawyers, knowledgeable frienew. . you need all of us.
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Jessica, You might want to look into Meals on Wheels. At least that would cut down on grocery shopping and concern over fixing meals. Meals on Wheels in my area provides lunch and dinner and you can apply for financial assistance. Just a thought.
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The rehab facility did in fact have a long term nursing home in a separate building, but she was only admitted to short term care and was expected to be discharged. The social worker did not ask me anything about her discharge plans, so yes, my grandmother had to have said she was able to go home. my grandmother REFUSES to go back to a nursing home regardless. I wish the social worker would have came to me instead, but I legally can't make those decisions for her so I would have be trumped in the situation anyways. The physical therapists there are no reason why she couldn't go home, and that made it even harder on the situation. She does have Medicare, which does pay for her rehab up to a certain point, and her prescriptions. But her Medicare has just run out of rehab/hospital days. She MAY be able to qualify for VA benifits, but from all of my research, she receives too much money to receive anything. I could be completely wrong, but from all of the research I have done about it, this seems to be the case regarding the widows compensation. she is also looking into getting these benefits herself at the moment, so there may be at least something else from them she may qualify for. I am also going to have to start looking back into it too, because I know there must be at least something she can benefit from. I also want to point out that even if she is able to receive benefits from the VA, she's stated multiple times that she "refuses to spend her husbands money on assisted living". She is so stubborn. She will not go to a new living place on her own. And again, I'm trying to be positive, but realistically, the only way that she's going is if something happens again and I can get through to someone regarding her discharge plans and they actually take me seriously. I feel like I just keep going in circles here, no matter how much I emphasize to the social workers that she has troubles living alone. My grandma refused to hear any of it from me too. Once I speak with the next social worker that my grandmothers nurse is setting me up with, I'm hoping I make some headway.
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Dear Jessica, You don't say why your grandfather's military service doesn't grant him VA benefits. Have you contacted the VA directly? Go to the VA website and print out form 21-2680. You'll need (apologies if this seems insurmountable) a copy of your grandfather's death certificate, marriage certificate or license and proof of military service, such as a copy of his discharge certificate. If you have his social security number, you can probably get the copies you need from the VA, tho' it takes awhile (weeeeeks). If you can establish his military service, a service related injury which worsened over his lifespan, there are financial benefits available. Also, in some areas, there are residences for widows of veterans. I know this heaps another bunch of research upon you and I'm sorry for that. Maybe someone else on this thread knows more about this. I'm much older than you and, similarly, struggling to find help for an aunt and running into many walls. Please keep posting.
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Jessica, I'm no expert on this, but when my mom was in rehab (twice) both places had long term care available in the same facility. Of course once you were discharged from rehab, you had to be admitted to the longterm part. Medicare pays for rehab ( up to a point) but not for long term care. Longterm care is either private pay, long term care insurance or Medicaid, if the facility accepts it. I'm not sure why the social worker at the rehab facility didn't talk to you about admitting grandma as a long term resident. Is it possible that they spoke to grandma and she insisted she'd be fine at home?

In any event, it's very good to hear from you, and hope that you are taking care of YOU and getting strong enough to go back to school.
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UPDATE: I know it's been almost a month since I've last posted, I hope all of you who celebrate Easter had a good one! In other news, the situation with my grandmother hasn't been going well. I found out from the social worker that the place she was discharged to (after the hospital) was NOT a long term nursing home, and that she would be released after a few weeks, which upset me because I had put my hope in the social worker from the hospital to place her properly, but she did not. The social worker sent her to the rehabilitation portition of the care home, and not the long term care. My grandmother had highly considered going into a assisted living facility for discharge plans, but there are none around our area that she can afford. She does not qualify for veterans benefits either (my grandfather was in the service). So again, I am back at to where I started. She was discharged home last Friday. I was not going to drive her, but if I was to not drive her, they would have provided transportation for her anyways. So she is back at home once again. The only bright side, is that she is a lot stronger and more steady walking than before. She also hasn't been bothering me to help her with little things like she was before (other than grocery shopping once in a while and doctors appointments, which I don't mind doing). She has a nurse, an occupational therapist, and a physical therapist who visit her 3-4 times a week. I convinced her to always keep her door unlocked, and I notified all three of them that if she didn't respond to the phone or the knocking on the door, to just walk in when they visit. That problem is eliminated now, as all of the help she needs can get into her house if she cannot hear the phone/door. I am being realistic still, and I believe that she is unable to live alone, unfortunately.. Unless a miracle happens and she's walking on her own, which I doubt will happen. My grandmothers nurse can see that she isn't fit to live alone, and we have talked on the phone many times regarding my grandmother. She mentioned getting a social worker in her house, and said she will give me all the information when she gets it set up. She is a very nice nurse and is helping me through this a lot. Unfortunately, all of the social workers I've spoken too so far have let me down hard, and I'm hoping I can get a little more help from this next one. I understand that they cannot take care of the situation completely on their own, and that it isn't their responsibility, but a little help would at least be appreciated from these social workers, because I CAN NOT do this on my own. It's also hard because my grandmother is so stubborn and only hears what she wants to hear. I'm just going to have to take this situation day by day, because all of my options have been depleted. Until something drastic happens, I don't see this situation progressing, unless I can get a miracle from the social working. I'm trying to stay hopeful. I've been hoping and praying nonstop. Again, thank you all for your help.
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Amy grace I think it would be a terrible idea to give grandma any hope of change. Jessica has said the current place is nice and the staff are dedicated so it is a very good idea to leave well enough alone.
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Jessica, it sounds like you are making progress. Another trick you can use - just in case your grandmother insists on coming home when she learns she is there to stay - suggest to her she give this place a chance and in six months if she doesn't like it you will find her another nursing home. She will have friends and it will feel like home by then. You are doing all you can, so don't worry about her - she is in good hands, and now you can get on with your life.
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Jessica also make a list of all the answers you received and go to your nearest Health and Human Services and get a case worker in the Dept of Aging to help you out with getting her into a nice nursing home. They will be able to help you out with the application for T-19/Medicade. Hope you are taking care of yourself. Make time for you and get organized.
God Bless you. Raffy in WI
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I think the way you delivered the first batch of shirts was perfect. You really need her to adjust before you see her in person. I believe the issue is a made up reason to get you to come back so she can cling to you and not let you leave with out her. I have seen this behavior in my mthr's home and it is pitiful. You don't need that at all and your grandmother will need medication to deal with the emotional trauma that causes (I felt bad just witnessing it).

My suggestion: if you are going to bring her the shirts, take them only to the front door/desk (later the better!) and tell the employee that this is for Mrs. Mary Smith, would she please see that she gets it. I really don't think grandma needs the shirts. Almost all the old ladies I know complain that they are too cold and wear sweaters. Just don't go see her in person until her delusions settle.

It's ok for her to make up reasons for her being there and believing the fantasy that she will be out soon. You are doing a good job telling her that she can get out as soon as the doc releases her. Hang in there! You are a fantastic granddaughter!
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Jessica the usual advice is to not visit for the first couple of weeks to allow the loved one to settle in and get used to their new surroundings. Don't know if this would work or not for you. Ask the staff for advice.
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Jessica, so far so good, it sounds like. If grandma asks when she's going home, you tell her it's up to her doctors, and not in your hands at all. I'm so glad it's close by.

Jessica, the important thing now is for you to get strong enough to go back to school. You don't want to abandon your grandma, for sure, but she's in a good, safe place. Look ahead to your own life.
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Update: She was transferred to nursing home yesterday morning. I spoke with her on the phone and she kept saying "The lady said I was going back into an apartment", and I assured her that she was in the right place. She then proceeded to say "Yeah I'm only going to be here for a few weeks for physical therapy I think and then I'm being transferred". She doesn't know that she isn't going to be leaving the nursing home yet, and she is making up these delusions that she is going to be leaving eventually. But at least she is at the home, and she cant be discharged now by her doctors orders. She needed me to bring her clothes and I stopped over and she was sleeping so I did not get a chance to speak with her in person yet. But the nursing home is absolutely beautiful. It's very modern looking and it almost looks like a hotel. The nurses I spoke to were also very kind, and the staff I spoke to on the phone with was very helpful. I haven't seen it in the daytime yet, and I heard there is a large court yard in the center. It's only 10 minutes away from my house also (and my grandmothers old house, which is a huge plus). For some reason my grandma thinks that she is a very far distance away from what it sounded like on the phone. She called me about three times today proclaiming "she can't wear the shirts I brought her because they are long sleeved and the temperature in her room is over 90 degrees so she needs short sleeve shirts". So eventually I am going to have to return and bring the rest of her clothing to her. So far, I'm happy knowing she is safe, even though these delusions are becoming a little worse. I'm still a little worried though, I'm not exactly sure why. In a couples weeks when everything is settled down and she's settled in, I'm sure I will finally be calmed down. Thank you all for your help. I know I keep thanking everyone, but I couldn't have gotten through this as smoothly without all of this support.
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I believe you said your GM was due to be transferred to a N/H. How did that go Jessie?
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This is a tragic situation for you. I understand your love for your grandmother, and how hard it must be to have no support for her or you. This is the most difficult situation we face as a country.
My advice to you is to get help from either Adult Protective Services, explain that you are not able to care for her, and she needs help. If she's home call 911 and have her admitted to the hospital for a change in cognition, or level of consciousness. Explain that she's unable to care for herself and cannot be discharged home. Talk to the social worker in the hospital and explain your caregiver exhaustion and ask if she can recommend resources for you. Tell her that you're no longer going to be able to help your grandmother at home. If she's in a nursing home you can visit and return to being her granddaughter. You really need help. I hope you can get some relief. Sending all the best positive energy to you for your own self healing. Good luck.
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Sorry to hear about all of this- I was overwhelmed with caring for my dad when he was in the hospital and my mom had the dementia. I was at a total loss of what to do. If she has some assets/money, see if there is a Senior Bridge agency in your area. They were wonderful with providing guidance and getting everything all set up for when he was released from the hospital. He did have the home health aide for a few weeks and it was not cheap but they might be a good resource for guidance too. Hang in there- just make some calls to places like this and just getting some answers and direction will help with the stress knowing there's a clearer path to take.
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You have done too much already Jessica. This is too much for an eighteen year old to handle or anyone for that matter. When she's taken to the hospital again as someone said do not take her back . The social workers will find her a place where she needs to be. My heart broke for you and I would love to give you a hug and tell you you'll get your life back. God bless you for being willing to help her and don't feel an ounce of guilt for passing this on to the social worker. This is what they do.
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Hi Jessica. I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother, first of all. I lost mine last August. I was in a similar situation, only my mother was is assisted living and needed skilled nursing. When she finally fell out of bed for the 10th time, they sent her to the hospital. I went to the hospital and I thought "now is my time to speak up."
The doctor at the ER said she was fine, and I said to the doctor that she keeps falling out of bed, that she needs 24/7 supervision, and that is not the right place for her. Well the doctor admitted her for 3 days as per medicare rules. Then she went to a skilled nursing facility, and I slept much better knowing she was taken care of. So the post from looloo is right on. DO NOT bring her back if she is in the hospital. Stand your ground, be firm, and explain the situation to the doctor. They cannot send her home if she cannot care for herself. The social worker will help you find a place. That's what they do. You are such a strong young woman for 18 years old, and mature beyond your years for handling this so well. Good luck and keep the strength. Remember, you have a life ahead of you. I don't mean to sound harsh, but your grandmother lived hers. Take care of yourself
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Hi Jessica,
Like you, I am the grandchild and primary caregiver for my grandma who has alzheimer's...and your experience mirrors mine with having to leave my job, and continuing to sacrifice my own life for the care of her. She too is very combative in many aspects like those here have/are experiencing. This site and the emails I get everyday have been so helpful to let me know that I am not alone in this battle. And while I may be a generation younger than most...that the experiences are the same...and I can take the information from each person's posts and attempt to apply them to my situation. Sounds like you are well on your way with getting additional support from your care receiver's primary care doctor and staff. Definitely lean and stay on the minds of your care-reciever's primary care staff and the gereatric nurse and social worker assigned to continue to get the help you need. The squeaky wheel definitely gets the grease in this case. By your postings, there is no doubt that you are doing a wonderful job. Some motivations that keep me going are knowing that its not my fault, and I should not feel guilty for missing something in regards to caregiving for my loved one. It is not my fault that my care receiver's end of life plan of "I'll just die peacefully on my couch at home." has not happened the way she thought it would. I just try to do the best I can...and work with whatever little help...or mere suggestions come from other members of team grandma. They just don't have that caregiving gene. I have a thought/saying that some of us are born with the caregiving gene...and others are not. How fortunate for our care receivers, they have us in their lives. Many of those here on aging care have that caregiving gene no doubt. I wish you all the strength as you continue your journey with your care receiver.
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Jessica, you have done everything you could to help your grandmother. I am so in awe of you feeling that responsibility and trying to help her at your young age. She definitely will be better off with people who can take care of her. You have your life to live and should not have to deal with any of this. I am so proud of you and don't even know you. I would never ever expect my grandchildren to take care of me like that. God bless you!
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Jessica, the day I moved my mother into an assisted living facility my panic attacks were coming in waves. I felt like a terrible daughter betraying my mother. I actually passed out during the admission process. It took me a while to realize that this was the best thing for both of us. Getting over the guilt is a process. When your grandmother is in a facility you will be able to visit and and see that she is well taken care of and the guilt gradually subsides. Jessica, you are a wonderful, loving and caring grand daughter and this situation is way beyond your ability to manage alone. I, too, had to learn where to go for help. You are taking a very mature approach in realizing you cannot handle this by yourself. Please allow Senior Services and the hospital to help you. When my mother came out of the hospital, I did not take her back home because I knew I wouldn't be able to get her out of her house again. She went into a rehab facility and from the rehab she went right to assisted living. The facilities worked together to make the arrangements. Now, Mom is well fed, gets her medications on a regular schedule, is up and dressed every day. Her spirits have improved tenfold. You are right about your own health issues and need to be able to take care of yourself first. Depression needs swift treatment. Please seek out help for yourself. My thoughts and prayers are with you. You are very brave.
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Jesica, you have such inner strength, deep compassion and a remarkable ability to balance your head and heart. Your mom would be incredibly proud of the woman you already are. Wishing you love, joy and peace as you start your life.
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Dear Jessica, my heart goes out to you. You are a kind, gentle, compassionate soul. And, you are very, very strong. You have lots to offer yourself and this world. I am so glad that you are determined to do what is best for yourself and for your grandmother. You must leave this as the responsibility of the social worker, etc. Your job is done. You did more than anyone else. I agree that as soon as she is settled in the nursing home she will realize how she is taken care of, again by professionals, and has people around her, including peers. It will all work out. Be proud of all you have shouldered and move forward. God bless.
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Jessica, you are an angel and mature beyond your years, and more responsible than 90% of young women your age. The above advice is good - take it and begin your own life. You deserve a chance to be you! Get the help of a social worker to place your grandmother - don't bring her home. I think it would help you to get some counseling, just so you have the opportunity to talk about all those feelings you have kept inside for so many years. Good luck to you. At 18, you deserve to have fun, a life of your own, a chance to get an education and a career.
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