My dad died in his sleep in 2010. He was 75 and even though he was retired, he worked like a 50 year old. My parents lived on 15 acres since their early 20's. There is always something to clean up, repair, pull to the brush pile, burn, trim, or mow. Before he died he said if something happens to me first, you need to get your mom to move to a smaller house in town. Well it is 9 years later and she is still there. My husband and I have an ongoing to-do list all summer long. When anything is said about moving to town or checking out assisted or supportive living she becomes defensive, "why do people keep telling me I need to move?" Well... because we are tired.
We have our own home that we would like to enjoy on our days off. We enjoy camping, gardening at our house, festivals and friends. Instead we have to drive two hours round trip, mow for 4 hours, pick up sticks trim bushes etc. I am now 56 my husband is 62. Last summer he had a head injury and spent weeks in the hospital and even more weeks in a rehabilitation hospital that was three hours from home. I worked my 4 days a week and went every weekend to see him living weekends at Ronald McDonald house, (they truly are angels!). I came back late every Sunday night and spent every Monday mowing our yard, doing laundry, paying bills so I could do it all again the next week. My daughter stepped up to mow at my mom's but she was on unemployment last summer. Luckily my husband has recovered 95%!
Now the thought of going back to our handyman schedule this upcoming summer is just making us angry. You never know how much time is left on this earth and his accident was a stark reminder of that. I don't want to take care of my mom's place in the country. We chose to live in town because it is easier. I am angry that I am expected to take care of something that was their life choice, it shouldn't be my burden. My daughter found a new job, and now works a lot of overtime and my niece, who isn't much younger than I, already shuffles mom to all of the doctor appointments. I have degenerative discs and narrowed spaces in my neck causing nerve pain in my upper extremities. I have been in physical therapy and have been told I should never lift more than 25 lb again. I have had nerve ablations to my lumbar spine and I also have lupus. So being in the sun is not good for me. If I manage these problems properly I can avoid worsening symptoms and continue to work. I tell all this to my mom and she listens, asks me how I feel but the list making continues. I don't want to spend the last year's of her life being angry or fighting with her but I am becoming resentful and so is my husband. How do you walk away from the list while keeping your mom?
Obviously, your mother must have an income. If she wants to maintain her lifestyle, it's time for her to pay to have help come. I have a customer who lives alone and a nurse come daily (your state social svcs for the aging, or Medicare, may cover some of this), a dog walker, a priest from her church stops in weekly, and neighbors drop by occasionally. She is very happy in her own home with these arrangements.
Your mom can wear a lifeline button to summon help if needed. You can also pay for someone to help with chores and cleaning if you want - a maid if you can -you spend travel expenses and time going there anyway or for the lifeline button. Also, have Meals on Wheels drop off meals a couple of times a week. Look for organizations in her town that provide free or low cost in-home and transportation services to the elderly.
Then visit her once or twice a month. If this doesn't work for her she can move into a retirement community there or near you. I'd be weary of putting out too much effort though because she may not follow thru after you do a ton of work and invest emotionally. Good luck!
There is no other option. Be strong.
continue on without possibly causing yourself irreparable harm. She either needs
to see this and make accommodations so that all of you can live well or you are going to have to force the issue by saying no. Calm, clear, and decisive. No, we can't possibly do that. What are some other options? Your firm no will open the
doorway to explore other ideas, otherwise she will just keep pushing for things to remain the same. Good luck!
I know the type of holds mothers have on us. If we do the list of things today maybe tomorrow she’ll say, “Oh you guys don’t have to do this stuff anymore.” Or, if we do the new thing added to the list, she’ll finally say, “oh thank you guys you really work hard for me,” and she will finally be pleased. If you’re like me, you’re trying to assuage your anxiety by trying to please her, and again if you’re like me, your health will suffer.
My husband has always has the patience of Job himself, and how he hasn’t thrown me his set of house keys by now I’ll never know. But when he was diagnosed at 52 with spinal stenosis and lumbar arthritis & disc degeneration, I told my mother that Mr. Hotflash has now, literally, broken his back for you, and he will do no more.
Now granted this came after several psychotherapy appointments and a lot of courage, but finally telling her no did not go as awful as I had predicted in my head. And frankly if it had with tears and tantrums and all the other things I imagined, my plan was to tell her “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
Someone in this incredible group slapped reality right in my face on a post I made earlier because my health was deteriorating trying to be my mother’s caregiver. They asked me, “What if your mother outlives you?” My way of thinking has not been the same since.
Hang in there and take care of you and your family. Do it for all of us who have lived under the to do lists for way too long.