I have 3 great kids, but my oldest son hasn't spoken to me in several years and has not acknowledged the recent death of his stepfather (my ex husband) that I have been caring for for the last ten years. My other two children have helping me in so many ways.
I was told a long time ago, if you are leaving a child out of your will, leave them a dollar. This way you have acknowledged them and they can't contest the will. If you don't want to be that drastic, you can just leave him a small monetary amount. Leaving the bulk to the two who helped.
You will hear from caregivers who found after years of caregiving, the child who did nothing got the bulk of the estate. Or, the ones who did nothing showed up after a parents passing with their hands out.
Your Will can show how much you appreciated the two who did help. You can also show the one who didn't, how disappointed you were.
Whatever you do, do it sooner rather than later. Since the older you get, the more convincing anyone contesting the will can claim impairment.
Nobody contested it, but it was so in character for her to do this.
Wills are not gifts or rewards. They are simply a legal way for someone to distribute their estate, Nobody OWES anybody anything.
Mother has written sis in and out of her will so many times...and it's such a joke b/c we all stand to inherit just less than $10 K. Won't make a bit of difference to me. She still holds it over our heads and it makes me laugh. She has nothing and that's fine. I don't WANT anything and I don't like the way she's pretended she's "rewarded" some of the sibs more "justly". It's just ridiculous.
The evidence could be that you have already given one child more than the others. It could in your case be a means of paying the kids that do help you.
If you do not provide a justification in a lawyer prepared will, then the kids may be looking at a nasty fight.
That discourages greed but it still has to go through the court, at the expense of the estate.
Doing a trust would guarantee your wishes are followed, then you would have a pour over will that directs everything goes to the trust, so no assets go directly to any beneficiary of your will. You can then state that your oldest is being intentionally left out and the reason if you choose. The trust is not a public document and you aren't even entitled to see it unless you are a beneficiary.
I am sorry for your loss of your husband, as well as your oldest child.
Otherwise you could be constantly changing it depending on who has been naughty or nice. Are we Santa Clause's or just human beings who want to leave something for kin?
I guess it really depends on how strongly you feel about this.
If I've got this right, your three great kids *include* the oldest son from whom you are sadly? estranged, and you are feeling hurt that even knowing about your loss he has done nothing to be reconciled.
How recent was your loss?
Would it not be wiser to let it be until you have had more time to adjust? There is more to your relationships with all of your children than how you are feeling right now.
There are also more ways to appreciate your other children's kindnesses than leaving them a headache in your will :)
I hope things will get better for you, and that eventually your son will make an effort to explain himself.
You do what your heart tells you.
In my will I am leaving nothing to my (step)children it is all going to grandchildren. I do hope that the money will be used for education but that will not be for me to decide. Knowing the kids that is what will be done with any inheritance.
My thoughts on this are...no child should EXPECT to inherit anything from their parents.
The money saved by me should be use to pay for my care as best as possible so I am not dependent upon the kids, the state or anyone else for my care and comfort. That is what I saved it for ...my retirement ...my life I did not squirrel away money to leave it.
Funny thing is I have always thought this way. Both my parents died when I was pretty young I still have money that was left to me, I have always thought it is not "my" money and had put it in CD's when they were paying a good bit then put it in an annuity that I just started taking. This money I always though of as my Dad's never as mine as I did not earn it. It will now give me a bit of money to play with so I can make improvements on my house and maybe take a vacation. But this is money that I have had available to me since 1969 when my Dad died. I am sure he would approve of what I am going to do.
If you are afraid what would happen if you were to cut him out ask the lawyer what would happen if the will were to be contested. It is possible that if he were to contest the will he would get nothing in the long run but court costs that he incurs to contest the will. Best thing is this is your money, property you can do with it what you want. Personally, my opinion for what it is worth, set aside what you think you will need for yourself for the next X number of years and take the vacation you want, book a cruise with the kids and grand-kids if that is something that you would like, maybe getting your son in a "neutral" environment just might open him up and you might find out the why's of his actions.
It is better to include a nominal amount for a potential heir than to not mention him or her at all. If something is added, the reader would know it was intentional.
Also, talk your family! Schedule a family meeting and tell them what you want to do - and WHY. Set ground-rules for the meeting such as Children may ask questions (perhaps provide them in advance).
Communication while you're around will ease your mind and allow everyone to understand why you are making your choices.
We still have our sane minds. But the health issues continue to grow. We have some very self-involved offspring, from previous marriages, All but one of the sons/daughters have major substance abuse/alcohol abuse issues in teens and early adulthood. Three continue to be alcoholics. We do not, never did those things.
Now all are between 40-50 years old. Old enough to be acting as responsible adults. Due to their personalities developed around their drugs of choice, all but one are very emotionally stunted, pretty much self-absorbed. They Ignore us; after so many years of their poor behavior, we actually prefer being spared their lifestyle drama. Tired of the constant holding out hands, but never helping parents, not visiting, nothing. We don’t expect them to lift a finger to assist us, ever. They certainly never have during major illnesses we’ve had. Have always got better use for their incomes than visiting their parents.
I’ve made sure all CDs are POD to the one son who gives a crap. Due to the drug/alcohol issues, the non-named ones’ offspring aren’t in touch with us grandparents. The ex wives prevented contact out of vindictiveness, not because we weren’t good grandparents. Sadly. So, it’s a dilemma as to whether to leave my other sons’ offspring my sons’ share. My middle son has gone so far as to try to elicit promises of certain items of mine he wants. Things I’m currently using in my home. It makes me feel like he’s just wishing for me to die, as he has done similar things to his grandparents when they were living. He didn’t have any time for them either. I personally find it very offensive, as nobody is entitled to a thing another person has worked for, outside and of the spouse. It is doubtful we will have anything left anyhow, due to medical needs. It’s just so aggravating that people view their parents as givers, nothing more. While I don’t feel inheritances are rewards, I plan all to go to the single son who gives a chit.
Share extra with those who are caring for you now, but don't completely cut out your estranged child. You don't know the effect this can have in the dynamics of the rest of your family once you are gone.
My mother reduced my portion of her estate to half that of my siblings because I didn't speak to her for 15 years. What happened remains unseen.
My mother has narcissistic personality disorder and is delusional, jealous, lies and plays the victim. One of my earliest memories is of being three years old and feeling her jealousy. She’s still pathologically jealous even though I’m 62 with a gut and wrinkles. She allowed both siblings to abuse me as children and in adulthood. She made sure that I wore rags while my siblings had beautiful clothes, horses, saddles and swim lessons. My siblings got special dinners with linen and candles; not one special dinner for me. She gave my cat to the pound because I was 16 and cute. In my 30’s she arranged to meet me for a vacation in Mexico and then didn’t show up.
By the time I was 44 I was so depressed from trying to please her that I couldn’t get off the couch for a month. A succession of counselors commented that “people like your mother don’t change—they just get worse”, “there is something wrong with your mother” and “if it were me I’d give up.” To save my mental health, I did. Meanwhile she played the angel to her friends and relatives.
I returned two years ago for one last try, but my mother is more mentally ill than ever. Just like when I was growing up I’m the only one of three siblings to help her—cleaning, support through cancer, broken shoulder and severe bronchitis. She lost her license last year and I’ve been the sole driver for trips to doctors, dentist, stores, social security and post office. My brother is severely alcoholic--he drinks all day and is her baby boy. My sister has antisocial personality disorder and is callous and selfish. She lives 45 minutes away, visits once or twice a year and is The Favorite. I’m Cinderella.
The family is miserably dysfunctional due to my mother’s personality disorder. This is not my fault and I’ve been treated unfairly all of my life. If my mother leaves me less than either of my siblings I’m challenging the will. I don’t care if it forbids challenges—I have an attorney and two back-ups ready to go. Her executor can deal with the lawsuit and her estate can pay the legal fees.
I don't believe we owe our adult children anything just because they are "family." My home and money is going to those that have given me joy and made me feel as if I am somebody. I don't have to be the most important person in anyone's life, but I am somebody who deserves care and understanding.
You are somebody. Value those who show you that you really do matter.
Not even your children are guaranteed to outlive you. I wish my dad would have done something similar.