My husband has been in memory care for about a year, during the Covid shutdown. Since I have been visiting him on a regular basis now, he seems really stable. Today the doctor wants to take him off 2 of his medicines that may have been making him drowsy. He is incontinent however and a little unstable on his feet but I’m thinking with help from a caregiver I could bring him home. My hesitation is that this stability may not last and then I would have to go through the whole process of getting him in a decent place again (since there’s no guarantee he could go back to same place). He seems happy and content there. Am I just being selfish because I miss him so much? My family is telling me he is doing well because he is getting good care and they remember what I went through before. He had started wandering and was not always sleeping when he was home but he seems to have passed through that stage. Thoughts on this?
my H has been in memory care for 5 months now. Every time I’m there I just want to wrap him up and bring him home with me.
Nothing wrong with facility: it’s beautiful and people are wonderful for most part. It’s all me. Not even about being alone it’s nice to be able to read a book again I just miss HIM and US. I quit talking about with family bc they remind me how bad things had gotten. I know that in my head. But the heart is a tougher sell.
I will say he spent a month away bw hospital and rehab about 6 weeks in and seemed to go off another cliff in terms of disease after that- so significant changes likes those moves are very hard on people with brain issues.
jcoll7 I too take him out some. Drive thru then go eat at a park, or go get an ice cream, anything to get him out on pretty days. Whether the difficulties at home or having to leave him regularly at MC, this is the toughest thing I’ve ever been through
Since you miss having your husband at home with you, see if there are ways to recapture some of those experiences. Some facilities allow a short "pass" where you sign your husband out to visit with you at home. Bring a picnic meal that the 2 of you can enjoy together. Bring a movie to enjoy together with your favorite snacks.
If he gets agitated or anxious when you try any of these activities, then he is more content with the routine of his current home. In that case, visiting with him there is you best option.
Leave your husband in the safe place he is now and find ways to bring a little more balance to your own life.
He is thriving now because he has a team of caregivers, not one exhausted caregiver. He is in an environment where he receives constant medical supervision and care from trained professionals.
Take him out of the facility on a pass for a lunch date or dinner date several times a week, or plan an activity that you two can enjoy like a walk in the park. However, be prepared that he may become agitated and confused at being out of his environment and routine, and want to go back.
I can imagine that it would be horribly lonely, and that you miss him. Realize that you are doing the right thing by having him there, where he is obviously thriving. Visit him as often as possible, and have dinners and take walks with him there if going out isn't possible, so that you can both still enjoy each other's company.
We moved in 2015 and 10 months later his condition was so much worse that he moved from a Memory Care place to a hospice place. His body forgot how to eat,; he felt no hunger pains; he wandered and was a danger to himself, etc. in addition to the other symptoms. Needless to say the move was a bad decision on my part, but the best I could make dealing with everything.
Since you say yours is doing somewhat nicely where he is, I would recommend keeping him where he is. Your point about getting into the same place(you seem to consider his care as good), the stability not lasting; finding whatever place would have room for him are very caring points. I missed mine terribly when he was in Memory Care as the Midwest does not have lots of car places of quality and I was not that close to him. I assume you visited him as often as you could, so you do spend time with him as I did. My husband did not know who I was, who our grown children & grandkids were, as he had regressed to a child. He had a math degree and worked at NASA for years. But his condition progressed fast and I notice he mind was not capable any longer.
With the knowledge I have now, I would leave him where he is. I do not want to seem callous to your feelings, but Alzheimer's just gets worse so him being content where he lives is very good. You need to keep that foremost in your memory. It will help in the future. After 5 years I still terribly miss mine on certain days but not every day. Even if mine only lasted a few more years with him in Memory Care, life did not work that way for me. Time helps. Bless you both.