Are you sure you want to exit? Your progress will be lost.
Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
✔
I acknowledge and authorize
✔
I consent to the collection of my consumer health data.*
✔
I consent to the sharing of my consumer health data with qualified home care agencies.*
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
Share a few details and we will match you to trusted home care in your area:
Yas, I have and I found it very helpful. I'm in the UK and was given 10 free emotional support sessions. I chose someone who had travelled along the same path as me. She was very supportive, and totally understood my despair, exhaustion and lack of help from invisible siblings. It was wonderful to have an empathic counsellor who could let me cry when I needed to. I'm now in a much better place emotionally and physically; it helped me to make the hard decision to place my mum into full time residential care, after 2.5 years of her living with me and my husband. We've now got our lives back, and I am now able to visit mum as her daughter, instead of her carer. I highly recommend therapy.
Yes, I saw a therapist while caring for folks and dealing with the overwhelming dysfunction with twisted sissies. Funny, the most twisted is a therapist!😀
My therapist knew who twisted 1 was, had been in meetings with her, etc. Wonder what she thinks about her sometimes.
But, my therapist was wonderful! Don't know what I would have done without her. Among her specialities is caregiver issues. Try to Google therapist specialty caregiver. My therapist was actually recommended to me by mom's court assigned geriatric care manager/limited guardian. You may want to check out that route to finding one.
I saw a therapist a few times. Desperate for someone to listen, give advice and not diminish or dismiss my feelings as my family/friends do. Or give me textbook answers that don’t apply. I think as someone mentioned, she was not the right one. She pointed out the obvious and I found it frustrating and not helpful. I’d like to try a support group but haven’t (yet) found anything in my area. Haven’t given up on therapy, and hopeful I’m not looking for answers that don’t exist, or that I’m just denying that the situation isn’t gonna change for the better.
It's taken me several different tries with different therapists before finding the right one for me. I hope you keep trying. I don't think you're looking for answers that don't exist. While the situation may stay the same, the way you are able to view it and cope with it can change. Hoping you find someone that can help.
Yes. It did. Make sure whoever you see specializes in what you go through as a caregiver and as a person grieving the loss of a loved one. There's a reason they call Alzheimer's and it's related dementias, "the long goodbye".
Absolutely yes, go. Having someone not emotionally involved with your situation, but who can listen and support you is essential to making your way through this. This is such a complex emotional situation, on That impacts us on so many levels. I have also taken up yoga and make sure I do one other thing for me each week, like a massage or recreational class. I have cared for my mom for 3 years and was losing me in the process. Without my therapist I would not be able to do this.
I’ve been seeing a therapist every month for just over a year- not really for myself as a caregiver, but for advice and support living with my wife, who cares for her 100-year-old mother. She resides in a 3-bedroom house (that we own and maintain) next door to us. Unfortunately, my wife refuses to face reality and put her mother (who has dementia) in an assisted living facility, where she belongs. My wife has to check on her mother several times a day to ensure she is eating, taking her meds correctly, etc. I assist sometimes, but the truth is I’m sick and tired of it after 35 years. My wife and I can’t travel anywhere together for more than a day or two (on rare occasion) and our lives are passing us by because of her caring for her mother. I’m retired and had dreams of traveling the world with my wife. As a result, I increasingly resent both my wife and mother-in-law. Since today is Mother’s Day, I’ll be expected to take the old bag (see, I’ve even become disrespectful) out to a buffet lunch, where she may eat a piece of toast with jelly (at a cost of about $35 out of my pocket). I didn’t really mind this ten years ago when she at least knew where she was and what day it was; but now, she has no idea where she is or why she’s in a restaurant. But I digress. To get back on topic, yes, I’ve been seeing a counselor about this (and my resulting depression) for over a year. Has it done any good? Maybe, but only in the sense that it gives me a shoulder to cry on, so to speak. I can’t say these things out loud or to my wife, lest she think I’m waiting for her mother to die. Truth is, I am waiting, but at 100 years old she’s in very good physical health and will probably outlive me. I’ve posted this previously and have taken the advice of both my therapist and many people on this forum- I’ve decided to go on living my life (traveling whenever and wherever I want without my wife) but the guilt is always there. As I tell my wife, her mother would never do this to us willingly, but she has no idea what she’s doing anymore (but my wife does). So, while going to a therapist may help, I find that an occasional venting on this forum is just as helpful.
Yes, please go see thearpist. I, myself went and did help me get through the rough times and keep living my life everyday to let it flow whatever my mother who has dementia and the worst episodes as times go on. I work midnight and I'm tired. I have sister, mom's other daughter doesn't come around like she promised when I need my break. Sister come get her and skipped 3 or 4 months to take her mother to stay with her only when she wants in her own term. And it's always the last minute. I couldn't go out, or date or nothing but dragging mom with me anywhere I go. I have to forgive but I don't have to be close to sister anymore. I've been hurt and now I am finished with my sister. All I can say is she will have to make it up and bring back the promises she never made. I doubt she'll ever will. I love my mom so much. I would do my best caring for her. until her time.
Yes, absolutely. I've seen a counselor every month for the last several years to help me deal with the guardianship of my dad. I'm stuck between my dad and my husband because my dad takes a lot of time. Since I've been going so long now, she basically just lets me vent since no one else wants to hear about this anymore. Luckily my insurance pays for the visits so I have nothing out of pocket.
Yes. As others said, the right fit is needed. When I found the right one he was helpful in many ways. I could vent without hearing how lucky I was to still have my mother. He helped me develop practical strategies for dealing with difficult behavior and how to let go of guilt....sort of. He taught me how to ask for and get help. He recommended resources in the community .I was so very alone. Now I am learning how to find myself after 20 years of caregiving.
Hello, Helen Yes, I've gone to a therapist for several years, every two weeks, to help me cope with caregiving for my husband. She provides a compassionate sounding board and experience (hers and others') that gives me perspective on what I'm feeling and dealing with. She suggests ways of looking at myself and my life that are very helpful, as well as other types of resources. Although I have a couple of good, trusted friends with whom I can talk, friendships require you to also look after the other person. In a therapist/patient relationship, the focus is only on you and you get the time you need just for yourself.
The insurance company gave me a list of therapists in my network and I talked with a few on the phone until I found someone who had experience that was relevant and with whom I felt comfortable.
For years I was encouraged to talk to a therapist. I was reluctant and didn’t think it would help. One day at work I found myself venting to a random co-worker. I saw the look on her face as I spoke but I couldn’t stop my emotions. After a few minutes she suggested I see someone. Later I realized what I must have seemed like. Still I didn’t want to go but I tried it! I started with one psychologist who helped me through so much of the abuse fallout. Then I found my current therapist. She is very aware of the cycle of abuse and codependency. Final answer: absolutely worth it!!! Even if you “don’t believe in therapy”. It’s worth it just to talk to someone. I have learned how to respond and how to protect myself with strong boundaries. I didn’t change my mom. I changed my reactions and myself. But it is VERY hard work. Therapy is hard work. But you’re doing something good for yourself. I think of it as an emotional spa day. 😊
I am 76. Have gone to a therapist two times earlier in my life. Briefly. Both times helped. First time was for a way to handle chronic Irritable Bowel Syndrome and the panic attacks it caused. Second time, a painful divorce. I learned then that what therapists do basically A) help you sort out what you are dealing with and B) give you "tricks" to deal with what you are dealing with. Then they wait until you say "Yes, I am still dealing with this, but I think I will make it through, and I am walking, doing some fun things, exercising, eating, sleeping, found a hobby, a support group, etc". So there, as a old retired RN who did therapy a few times, is my take on therapy in general. And more specifically what it helped me with in the past.
This, however, end of life thing dealing with a beloved brother who is dealing with likely Lewy's Bodies Dementia (and I am in care not of him directly, but of his finances, and we are 400 miles apart) , threw me for another loop, so I sought out my own doctor to suggest a therapist when panic and anxiety began to make some hits on me. When depression made me believe this is the end of HIS life, and an awful end, and the end of MY life, and any happiness I can expect out of it I desperately thought of therapy. Just talking on the phone, however, with the therapist I knew that THIS time it WILL NOT likely be of much help. Because THIS (caring for a relative) is considered, and I was told as much on the phone "a life passage situation" (meaning something that cannot be avoided and comes to us all) which they will "help you deal with". Meaning, there is honestly not much to do. But the above mentioned support, hobbies, exercise, eat, sleep, get away when you can and so on. In otherwords "learn the tricks". I was scheduled (imagine this is their cost cutting stuff at Kaiser) with a LSW or Licensed Social Worker. Not EVEN a therapist. In the end I cancelled. And sit here knowing that ,honestly, there is NOT a lot to be done, but the above. (and of course I could be wrong). In the end I would say, DO get some relief when you can. Plan a nice thing to do for yourself. Get a hobby, something to take your mind off the swirl that becoming a caretaker brings. Sudoku, puzzle, sewing. Eat. Sleep as well as you can. And do give therapy a TRY Because as I said, it did help me in the past, gave me "tricks" to talk myself out of panic, gave me a foundation on which to stand and say "This is what I am dealing with, and now what is the best way TO deal". Gave me tools. I also think, if there are issues such as "can I continue to do this or should I admit now that good intentions or not, I cannot go on", you can be helped to sort through to a conclusion with the least amount of guilt. Long, long story short is "if you are considering it, I think you should definitely give it a try." But it doesn't hurt to know walking in, a bit about how it works. And to know that you will hopefully walk out with a tool bag instead of an answer. Maybe sometimes they are the same thing.
I have Kaiser too and the LSW or Licensed Social Worker they sent me to was wonderfully supportive. Before Kaiser, I went to another fully licensed psychologist, and she was very damaging. Thank goodness I was in my fifties and not my twenties so I could apply life experience and recognize it. She would spend the whole session talking about her epic divorce, or how her mother treated her on her wedding day. I was suppose to learn from her resilence. She once spent half a session telling me how anti-depression medications were all a placebo and I shouldn't take them, but then proceeded to try to sell me aromatherapy. I was NUTS to go to her once a week for two months, but all her credentials and my traumatize state fooled me into going back. Any way, the Kaiser social worker was wonderful and got me to the care I needed. Sometimes big degrees don't guarantee talent. Thank you for the rest of your answer. It was spot on.
Have cared for wife at home in Hospice care suffering from on going seizures with privately paid aides 24/7. Experiencing stress after 2 years, I told my personal physician and he recommended a Dr. of Psychology whom I have seen for three months approx. every two weeks. Recommendations were to breath deeply at first signs of stress, exercise daily, meditate, engage in a Yoga class and continue social contacts. I have done all except the Yoga. Have not noticed much change in condition, but find the discussions helpful since I have been able to 'unload' information that few others have ever heard re: my history. That has probably been the best part of the consults. Apparently Medicare and my insurance pay all costs so it has been a painless experience.
so yoga is your missing link LOL? Good for you doing all the rest. You should know, if you don't, that there may be some easy-going yoga...sometimes called therapeutic, sometimes chair yoga...there's even goat yoga! I imagine the laughter of the attempts among those cuties is just as therapeutic as poses...
I haven’t had to be a full time caregiver to my mom yet but I feel like she’s slowly going downhill mentally. When things started becoming noticeably different I spoke with a counselor because I was struggling to handle it and was able to get some advice. I think if I were a caregiver it would also help, just being able to vent to someone can really make a huge difference and counselors often have good tips/advice and could point you in the right direction for things.
Yes and I would further say that it is absolutely necessary. Caregiver burnout is real and debilitating. Especially if the person you are caring for is manipulative, uncooperative and hurtful. I would compare this to when you're on a plane and the flight attendant gives the instructions about the oxygen mask. They say you must place the mask and life jacket on yourself, first. Then, you can help the others. This can also be applied to life itself. A therapist can guide and teach you many coping techniques. Wish you the very best!
Yes, the therapist has been a lifeline. I have dear friends who have helped me. One is even flying in and staying in my house for 2 weeks so that I can get away for a holiday with my husband. But a therapist serves a different function for me than friends, family or forums.. It is where I can say anything without worrying about the impact, about damaging family relationships or adding to the load of people already struggling to cope. It is where I can get perspective and help in figuring out my boundaries and how to hold them. It is where I get outside confirmation of how I am handling caregiving for my mom. And new strategies on how to balance it with my own needs and with the need to also nurture my marriage. I have even brought my brothers in for a session so that we could talk out how to handle some issues. It is a place where I can be angry.
I looked for a therapist who has gone through the death of a parent, dealt with caregiving herself and works with other clients who are dealing with this. She has a range of tools including CBT and EMDR. But the most important thing for me is her personal wisdom, compassion and experience.
I saw her every few weeks for a while. Now just when something new is happening or when I am too angry, depressed or overwhelmed and need to get my bearings again.
I can’t imagine going through this without the support of a good therapist. Seek until you find one.
Yes I think it's very helpful to do therapy. Of course, you may have to try a few before you find one that's good for you. Like most things in life, one size doesn't fit all. Look for a person that you can connect with professionally in a personal way. All practitioners regardless of type(I.e. social worker, psychologist, psychiatry) aren't necessarily a good fit for you. Try it. One of the best things you may do for yourself...😁
My therapist has helped me survive this. As others have said, you have to find a good fit, one who will understand your situation - like sandwich generation issues, sibling issues, dealing with how your care recipient treats you. Mine is young, but very intuitive and empathetic, and has some experience with caregiving.
She's helped tremendously with the caregiver guilt, and the depression, and the feelings that my life is over. She doesn't give me false hope either- caregiving has permanently damaged my health, physical and mental, and the worst of it is ahead, but she helps me believe that there will be life after caregiving, and helps me with strategies for squeezing out a little bit of a life for myself now. She doesn't use phrases like "the new normal" - she doesn't call it a "life passage" or such rot - she accepts that there is nothing "normal" about it - except that it's normal to resent having to give up so much.
When I went to my MD for the refill of blood pressure medications - and that is stress induced - he said that most caregivers could benefit from therapy or a support group, and he sees caregiver related anxiety, depression, hypertension, back injuries, all the time. Btw I tried antidepressants for paralyzing caregiver depression, but they don't work for me and the side effects are intolerable. Think about what it says that we're expected to take drugs to deal with them!
Imo it's worth looking into online therapy because it's easier to not have to go to another appointment, and no need to hire an aide. Some will offer a discount if you don't have insurance, which I don't, and no prospect of getting any in the future since I make too much for an Obamacare "subsidy" but not enough to afford the premiums. I started with online sesssions and now we do them over the phone so I can combine therapy with getting outside, which my therapist sees as part of the therapy. I know this isn't typical, but when I mentioned doing it this way, she was fine with it.
I have friends but they are not caregivers so they can't understand - and the one caregiver friend I have gave up her whole life to take care of her mother for decades, and judges me because I don't have that "servant heart" - and I have this and other groups, but also I need having one on one time with someone who will be on my side no matter what.
Having already answered this question I read in my NYT today a review that had me just about laughing till I cried. It's about therapy. And I am hoping the book can live up to the review; because the review is so stellar. A Psychotherapist Analyzes Her Patients’ Stories — and Her Own - The New York Times Sunday New York Times. "Can we Talk" Review by Alex Kuczynski of Lori Gottlieb's book, Maybe You Should Talk to Someone: A therapist, her therapist, and our lives revealed. Page 8 of the May 12th Book Review. Google it if my link doesn't show up. Very funny.
I haven't gone to a therapist for caregiving issues; however I can recommend "writing it down" in some way, like journaling. Like you were trying to describe events as they happened and your responses; how you felt. Maybe you're into that kind of thing, maybe you're not. I find it very therapeutic.
I'm in therapy because of my mental illness...so I'm struggling with my dad and coping with my illness.
I'm in therapy this time for caregiving and trying to process the grief of losing my mother, which was like losing her twice because she had dementia and become another person and then died of lung cancer.
My dad is 72 and has back pain issues and randomly faints so I have to drive him every morning..sometimes half my day goes by.. And he talks A LOT about wishing for death but his Catholicism is preventing him from committing suicide. So I have the constant anxiety of him hurting himself. When does a man's physical and mental pain overrides his faith???
My first therapy was in Grief and Loss group. People were very understanding and gave me some great ideas. But I just needed time off. Because in my mind my mom is still in the adult care facility. But the group already assumed I had come to terms with her passing. But there were some people there who waiting for the worst to participate.
I'm now back in one on one therapy that's dealing with my impulsivity and stress of dealing with my father. And how to accept my mom's death- which I am still in denial.
I do all these chores for my dad and he tells everyone, like my half brother in Hawaii, that he has to bribe me (I hold him he doesn't have to give me money for what I do but he insists saying "where else am I going to spend it?"). That I barely talk to him (not true, he talks a lot during our drives to and from appointments. Only he recently he's told me he loves me if I say it, he rarely says he's proud of anything. Or grateful for all the help I give him (he says it's something I should do). Caregiving can be such an ungrateful chore sometimes.
Did therapy help? Yes, like I said the grief and loss group taught me methods to process that shockwave of knowing you're losing someone. It gave me a place to vent and having a group of peers being supportive. Did One on one therapy help? Somewhat. I just started one on one. They gave me a tool to manage some of my impulsivity--which was there all long and reared it's head. So right now we're working on getting me stable more than anything. I do get a chance to explain my days and how I react. So having a private person or peers to talk to is really helpful for venting the stress.
The problem is you cannot likely get the person you're caring for to change.
I struggle being a caregiver so lean on my therapist a great deal. It helps to have a friend who has been/or is a caregiver as they often have the same stories, situations and issues and they don’t judge you! My therapist was also the one whom informed me I was in a toxic environment. It’s hard but you have to take care of you. Going on 13 years of caregiving and the same amount of years in therapy!
Yes, and it did help. I learned it is okay to take care of me, too. You need love, you need rest, you need someone to talk to who will not judge your secret thoughts. A therapist can be one of the best things you do for yourself now. Take care of you. You are needed, you are valuable, and you are worth it.
Yes. Before my Mom passed away 2010, I was her caregiver. Then one day my husband picked up his Mom and brought her home and said "Mom was home alone, so I brought her here!" His younger brother was no longer helping. I believe I called to make an appointment with a therapist the next week. When I explained my situation with the two Grandmothers (my daughter was in preschool), my daughter's class was reading the book "Upstairs Grandma & Downstairs Grandma" the Dr. said he would write a prescription for me, and offered his advice, "I suggest you consider moving the older adults out of your house into a Nursing Home." I refused the medication, worked with this situation for a few weeks before helping my husband to realize the error of his ways. He found his younger brother and took his Mom back to her home.
Yes I have. But my situation was chaotic. I’m an only child married with 3 boys. My parents had a domestic violence situation where my dad was an alcoholic, verbally and physically abusive to my mom for over 20 years. Also my parents are Filipino with Spanish heritage where things were kept private for a long time. They ended up divorcing a few years ago and my dad had no choice due to lack of working and moved to the Philippines and passed away there last year. My mom ended up with two strokes, pelvic fracture, broken ribs, on both sides and does not walk. My mom was full of life, dressing up with heels and full makeup to now only dressing up on occasion and forgetful. I was the go to person for everything even when they were on their own. Therapist and psychiatrist both have helped. I do a lot of reading as well. I have a supportive husband and family. Good luck and hope you find peace.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I'm now in a much better place emotionally and physically; it helped me to make the hard decision to place my mum into full time residential care, after 2.5 years of her living with me and my husband.
We've now got our lives back, and I am now able to visit mum as her daughter, instead of her carer.
I highly recommend therapy.
My therapist knew who twisted 1 was, had been in meetings with her, etc. Wonder what she thinks about her sometimes.
But, my therapist was wonderful! Don't know what I would have done without her. Among her specialities is caregiver issues. Try to Google therapist specialty caregiver. My therapist was actually recommended to me by mom's court assigned geriatric care manager/limited guardian. You may want to check out that route to finding one.
I think as someone mentioned, she was not the right one. She pointed out the obvious and I found it frustrating and not helpful. I’d like to try a support group but haven’t (yet) found anything in my area. Haven’t given up on therapy, and hopeful I’m not looking for answers that don’t exist, or that I’m just denying that the situation isn’t gonna change for the better.
Yowza! You needed a safe space, and you found it. 👍🏼
Yes, I've gone to a therapist for several years, every two weeks, to help me cope with caregiving for my husband. She provides a compassionate sounding board and experience (hers and others') that gives me perspective on what I'm feeling and dealing with. She suggests ways of looking at myself and my life that are
very helpful, as well as other types of resources. Although I have a couple of good, trusted friends with whom I can talk, friendships require you to also look after the other person. In a therapist/patient relationship, the focus is only on you and you get the time you need just for yourself.
The insurance company gave me a list of therapists in my network and I talked with a few on the phone until I found someone who had experience that was relevant and with whom I felt comfortable.
First time was for a way to handle chronic Irritable Bowel Syndrome and the panic attacks it caused. Second time, a painful divorce. I learned then that what therapists do basically A) help you sort out what you are dealing with and B) give you "tricks" to deal with what you are dealing with. Then they wait until you say "Yes, I am still dealing with this, but I think I will make it through, and I am walking, doing some fun things, exercising, eating, sleeping, found a hobby, a support group, etc".
So there, as a old retired RN who did therapy a few times, is my take on therapy in general. And more specifically what it helped me with in the past.
This, however, end of life thing dealing with a beloved brother who is dealing with likely Lewy's Bodies Dementia (and I am in care not of him directly, but of his finances, and we are 400 miles apart) , threw me for another loop, so I sought out my own doctor to suggest a therapist when panic and anxiety began to make some hits on me. When depression made me believe this is the end of HIS life, and an awful end, and the end of MY life, and any happiness I can expect out of it I desperately thought of therapy.
Just talking on the phone, however, with the therapist I knew that THIS time it WILL NOT likely be of much help. Because THIS (caring for a relative) is considered, and I was told as much on the phone "a life passage situation" (meaning something that cannot be avoided and comes to us all) which they will "help you deal with". Meaning, there is honestly not much to do. But the above mentioned support, hobbies, exercise, eat, sleep, get away when you can and so on. In otherwords "learn the tricks". I was scheduled (imagine this is their cost cutting stuff at Kaiser) with a LSW or Licensed Social Worker. Not EVEN a therapist.
In the end I cancelled. And sit here knowing that ,honestly, there is NOT a lot to be done, but the above. (and of course I could be wrong).
In the end I would say, DO get some relief when you can. Plan a nice thing to do for yourself. Get a hobby, something to take your mind off the swirl that becoming a caretaker brings. Sudoku, puzzle, sewing. Eat. Sleep as well as you can.
And do give therapy a TRY Because as I said, it did help me in the past, gave me "tricks" to talk myself out of panic, gave me a foundation on which to stand and say "This is what I am dealing with, and now what is the best way TO deal". Gave me tools. I also think, if there are issues such as "can I continue to do this or should I admit now that good intentions or not, I cannot go on", you can be helped to sort through to a conclusion with the least amount of guilt.
Long, long story short is "if you are considering it, I think you should definitely give it a try." But it doesn't hurt to know walking in, a bit about how it works. And to know that you will hopefully walk out with a tool bag instead of an answer. Maybe sometimes they are the same thing.
Apparently Medicare and my insurance pay all costs so it has been a painless experience.
I looked for a therapist who has gone through the death of a parent, dealt with caregiving herself and works with other clients who are dealing with this. She has a range of tools including CBT and EMDR. But the most important thing for me is her personal wisdom, compassion and experience.
I saw her every few weeks for a while. Now just when something new is happening or when I am too angry, depressed or overwhelmed and need to get my bearings again.
I can’t imagine going through this without the support of a good therapist. Seek until you find one.
Mine is young, but very intuitive and empathetic, and has some experience with caregiving.
She's helped tremendously with the caregiver guilt, and the depression, and the feelings that my life is over. She doesn't give me false hope either- caregiving has permanently damaged my health, physical and mental, and the worst of it is ahead, but she helps me believe that there will be life after caregiving, and helps me with strategies for squeezing out a little bit of a life for myself now. She doesn't use phrases like "the new normal" - she doesn't call it a "life passage" or such rot - she accepts that there is nothing "normal" about it - except that it's normal to resent having to give up so much.
When I went to my MD for the refill of blood pressure medications - and that is stress induced - he said that most caregivers could benefit from therapy or a support group, and he sees caregiver related anxiety, depression, hypertension, back injuries, all the time. Btw I tried antidepressants for paralyzing caregiver depression, but they don't work for me and the side effects are intolerable.
Think about what it says that we're expected to take drugs to deal with them!
Imo it's worth looking into online therapy because it's easier to not have to go to another appointment, and no need to hire an aide. Some will offer a discount if you don't have insurance, which I don't, and no prospect of getting any in the future since I make too much for an Obamacare "subsidy" but not enough to afford the premiums. I started with online sesssions and now we do them over the phone so I can combine therapy with getting outside, which my therapist sees as part of the therapy. I know this isn't typical, but when I mentioned doing it this way, she was fine with it.
I have friends but they are not caregivers so they can't understand - and the one caregiver friend I have gave up her whole life to take care of her mother for decades, and judges me because I don't have that "servant heart" - and I have this and other groups, but also I need having one on one time with someone who will be on my side no matter what.
A Psychotherapist Analyzes Her Patients’ Stories — and Her Own - The New York Times
Sunday New York Times. "Can we Talk" Review by Alex Kuczynski of Lori Gottlieb's book, Maybe You Should Talk to Someone: A therapist, her therapist, and our lives revealed. Page 8 of the May 12th Book Review. Google it if my link doesn't show up. Very funny.
I'm in therapy this time for caregiving and trying to process the grief of losing my mother, which was like losing her twice because she had dementia and become another person and then died of lung cancer.
My dad is 72 and has back pain issues and randomly faints so I have to drive him every morning..sometimes half my day goes by.. And he talks A LOT about wishing for death but his Catholicism is preventing him from committing suicide. So I have the constant anxiety of him hurting himself. When does a man's physical and mental pain overrides his faith???
My first therapy was in Grief and Loss group. People were very understanding and gave me some great ideas. But I just needed time off. Because in my mind my mom is still in the adult care facility. But the group already assumed I had come to terms with her passing. But there were some people there who waiting for the worst to participate.
I'm now back in one on one therapy that's dealing with my impulsivity and stress of dealing with my father. And how to accept my mom's death- which I am still in denial.
I do all these chores for my dad and he tells everyone, like my half brother in Hawaii, that he has to bribe me (I hold him he doesn't have to give me money for what I do but he insists saying "where else am I going to spend it?"). That I barely talk to him (not true, he talks a lot during our drives to and from appointments. Only he recently he's told me he loves me if I say it, he rarely says he's proud of anything. Or grateful for all the help I give him (he says it's something I should do). Caregiving can be such an ungrateful chore sometimes.
Did therapy help? Yes, like I said the grief and loss group taught me methods to process that shockwave of knowing you're losing someone. It gave me a place to vent and having a group of peers being supportive.
Did One on one therapy help? Somewhat. I just started one on one. They gave me a tool to manage some of my impulsivity--which was there all long and reared it's head. So right now we're working on getting me stable more than anything. I do get a chance to explain my days and how I react. So having a private person or peers to talk to is really helpful for venting the stress.
The problem is you cannot likely get the person you're caring for to change.