94 year old mother lives by herself. I have to visit every day to check on her. Would like her to move in with us, but so far she refuses. She is becoming more forgetful, can't drive, and we worry when she is cooking (she seldom does). Any ideas on what to say to her to get her to move in with us?
Perhaps it would be best if you hired some help(with moms money of course)to come into her home daily, so you wouldn't have to go every day. That would be a start. You can even have her meals delivered, so you don't have to worry about her cooking.
Most folks in your position are just waiting for a catastrophe to happen to their loved one, before any changes can be made. That very well be the case for you and your mom, because as of now, she still has the final say.
Wishing you and your mom well.
You say you want mom to move in with "us"
Is your partner, Spouse, SO in agreement with this arrangement?
Are YOU going to assume the main caregiver role or is this going to be left to someone else? (I only ask this because I am going to assume..(I know dangerous)..that you are the son and the "us" is your wife. Are you going to expect her to be the one doing the caregiving? Changing soiled briefs, soiled bedding, doing extra laundry, cleaning and cooking for another person.
If all of this has been discussed and your other half is 100% on board....
(it it has not been discussed, if your other half is not 100% on board I suggest you rethink your plan and read some of the posts her from people who have had their spouse move a parent in and they were not in agreement with the arrangement)
Now to get mom moved in.
You can tell her that it is no longer safe for her to live alone.
She has options.
1. Move in with you.
2. Caregivers can come in and stay with her.
3. Move to Memory Care, or if she is still pretty cognizant a move to Assisted Living with a transition to Memory Care when the time comes.
I hate to say it but often it comes to waiting until an accident forces a change. She will fall, she will be hospitalized, she will go to rehab. At that point it is a matter of moving in with you or AL or MC depending on what choice is appropriate.
Oh, is your house set up that it will be safe and suitable as she declines?
Carpet? not great for someone unsteady, and difficult with a walker or wheelchair
Stairs? not great for someone unsteady obviously impossible for a walker or wheelchair.
Wide doorways and hallways? need them if a wheelchair is a possibility
A bathroom that she can get into and have enough room for at least 2 people with a walker or wheelchair?
You will need to employ a "therapeutic fib", such as her house has an insect infestation and needs to be fumigated so she needs to "temporarily" move in with you.
Do you have DPoA for her? Is your home ADA compliant (can she get around it in a wheelchair if necessary)? Are you willing to be on duty 24/7? Others on this forum have chosen a care facility close to their homes for their LOs. This would not only provide food, shelter and safety for your mom, but also social exposure to others and perhaps even activities, crafts and outings. You would get peace of mind that a large portion of her care is not on your plate. You retain the privacy of your home, and can visit her as often as you like, leaving you to with plenty of energy to attend to her other affairs.
Age-related decline can include behaviors such as wandering (as in down the stairs or out the front door), shadowing (where the LO won't let you out of their sight and yells your name continuously when you leave the room) and incontinence -- to name a few. Your mom may seem manageable now, but things can change overnight with the elderly. It only takes one fall or health event. Please go into this with your eyes wide open. I wish you clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart.