Our mother sleeps all the time with very few exceptions. We have mixed feelings about the upcoming holidays. On one side, there are no small children in the family at this point, so we thought to cancel Christmas this year. Knowing our mother is lying there in bed, aside from the birth of Christ, what else is there to celebrate and get together for? It's impossible to be jolly & merry, Furthermore we are both very "hands on" with mom so the stress of Christmas shopping, buying gifts, making meals, making the time to do all that would put so much stress on us. We also both work full time from home. On the flip side, we thought to maybe just have a very small gathering ....literally me and my husband and my sister and brother in law. Keep it low key this year. Thoughts? Comments?
5 weeks before my Dad died the doctor said he would not live the weekend. Mom insisted on Hospice. Dad lived to see Thanksgiving Day. My brothers, wives and children (we each have 2) gathered at Moms. Dads bed was in the living room. At this point he could not talk. He and my brothers watched the football game. It all was normal with the boys teasing Dad. My daughter helped get Dad ready for the night. Everyone, but my brother from out of town, left. Mom woke about about 6am, Dad was gone.She sat with him the next 2 hrs not wanting to disturb the Hospice Nurse or us kids. Thinking of this now, I wonder how my Mom got thru Thanksgiving Day. Dad had health problems and every year he would say "This is my last Thanksgiving, this is my last Christmas"
I remember one year my mother was in the hospital with severe GI issues during 'the holidays' and wound up getting an IVC umbrella filter surgically implanted in her aorta at midnight on Christmas Eve. Believe me when I tell you none of us were in the mood to celebrate anything that year, so we didn't. We all wished Jesus a Happy Birthday & that was about it for 2011.
Do what YOU feel you want to do, and nothing more. There is no 'right' or 'wrong' answer here, my friend. Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult time in your lives.
We cut back a little on the parties. We met as a 'family' in the upstairs family room of YB's home. Dad could hear a little of what went on, but he was happy we were all together.
We had several younger grands and a few great grands to consider.
Personally, I slipped away from the party and went downstairs to dad's room to sit quietly with him. I held his hand and we talked a little. I used to have a lovely singing voice and he and I sang together a lot. He asked me to sing to him, so I did, maybe for a half hour, IDK. He was lying there, holding my hand and tears were streaming down his face.
He passed, peacefully, quietly and with the dignity that personified my daddy, 45 minutes into the New Year.
His last gift to me was letting me know I was loved. My last gift to him was thanking him for loving me.
And isn't THAT what Christmas should be about?
No choices “felt right”, but we were together with a fire in the fireplace and the tree and the children.
As THE CAREGIVER nothing was right for me, but in retrospect, that was OK too.
I think we each chose some personal food or gift or decoration that meant Christmas to us, shared what we’d brought, and went home early.
Summing up, do what makes you feel good, and respect the feelings of all involved as much as possible.
Keep the memories of Christmases that were brighter in the past. Keep the hope that the memories of your mother and her life may brighten your Christmases in the future.
I had my children bring some of the food, so it didn't all fall on me, and at Christmas I usually just ordered all the gifts online, so didn't have to worry about getting out and about, since I was my husband 24/7 caregiver.
For me it worked. And I'm grateful for the last several holidays we all had together, as I know my husband was happy to have his immediate family with him, despite his many health issues.
But you have to do whatever works for you and your family. If that means you just order takeout, so be it. As long as you enjoy whatever time you have left with your mom, that's all that really matters.
God bless you.
With the rest of the family, I’d suggest that you schedule times for them to call in on mother to see her, perhaps for the last time. Once again, talk about old Christmases. Ask your sister and BIL around for a drink and nibble at the end of the day, and specify ‘no gifts over $10’. That makes it easy to pick up a little box of chocolates from the supermarket, no stress. You can all go over what you remembered to talk to mother about – it will probably be different, and spark a longer ‘old times’ conversation. It could still be a quiet but special Christmas for you all to remember.
Best wishes, Margaret