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First of all, I sure as hell do not deserve a Darwin award. Second the purse incident was my daughter's purse when she WAS 14 and that was 16 years ago. All my children are grown and my husband and I have been together over 26 years. I have grandbabies that live in another state and had to leave them and my home. I was locked out of my account.
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2023
So, my guess was correct. I called it. Many of us have been locked out.

Welcome back! How are things going for you now? Anything new that you would like to share with us?

Your situation is tough to deal with. In-law problems can cause trouble for everyone in the family.
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Mom is tethered to oxygen. Someone is enabling her by providing the cigs. BTW, the house will not blow up but she can set her clothes on fire and the nasal cannula can burn up quickly. I have seen many facial burns that just follow the hose.
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Has the OP replied?
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ZippyZee Apr 2023
Let's nominate her for a Darwin Award.
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On your way out, take back a little power.

If weather permits, I can see a weekend tent in the yard for you and your husband, and daughter. Cheap, and delivered by Walmart.

Refuse to come back into the house until the rules and regs about smoking and oxygen use are in compliance.

Your dH will refuse to enter the house overnight-did not hear her calling, pounding, screaming.

Got this idea from a website advising how to treat a narcissist.
You can come up with your own plan? Guessing the goal is, if Mil acts hysterical, you act worse. More hysterical.

Make it like a party, bring in the clowns, balloons.
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Didaviscfl Apr 2023
My daughter has her own family and lives in another state. The incident happened when she was 14 and that was over a decade ago. We found it when preparing the house for sale.
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You have just described a nightmare!

I was fortunate to have a wonderful mother in law. She died a long time ago and I still miss her.

You won’t ever to be able to influence your mother in law to be a kind and considerate person. Let her be and sadly she will have to suffer the consequences of her actions.

Start focusing on your own life with your family.

In regards to the smoking, my oldest brother was a chain smoker. Once, I took him to the ER for medical treatment.

He foolishly lit up a cigarette next to another patient who was using oxygen.

Needless to say that I completely lost it. I looked him directly in the eye and said, “Put the cigarette out now or I am leaving and I don’t care if you have a ride home or not!”

My insane brother says, “Just let me have a few more drags and I will put it out.”

I was so angry that I thought that I would have a heart attack! I didn’t care about him being a smoker. He had been smoking since he was a teenager. It was his right whether or not to smoke, but certainly not in a hospital!

I was upset that he was being so insensitive to the person who was using oxygen. I told him that I was going to tell someone that he was smoking and refused to put it out and endangering others by smoking around a patient with oxygen.

Only then did he put out the cigarette. I told him not to ever ask me again to take him to the ER and to call 911 in the future.
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Didavis2,
I do have an abusive Mil, who I have attempted to help in the past, and got burned, accused, pushed physically, dismissed, criticized, and she trashed my reputation. It did cause acute distress on my relationship with my husband.

She complained that her neighbor was awful, rude to her, and unavailable, herself too ill to help Mil.-and at the same time says the neighbor came to her home to pick up her rent check to take to the office.....duh, to help her!

From now on, I have decided that strict "No contact" is the only way for me to be towards her. I now welcome being the worst daughter in law, the bad person, just like her neighbor. (Her neighbor, a retired R.N., has helped Mil for over 20 years, was hit in the back by Mil). If she is mad at me, I am safer.

My dh and I will not be helping her. The liability is just too great to be the subject of false accusations. The liability is legal and financial, not just emotional. No one has POA. She had us sending money, and food delivered, while sitting on $2,000 in Snap/EBT funds.

She, like your Mil, has "no one" left to help her, except the authorities to remove her from her home. I was told, that to help her stay at this time, in an unsafe living situation, is not only unsafe for her, it is enabling her to hurt herself. So, we will never go there, would never live with her, under any circumstances.

I do not know how you will get out. We have had to flee abruptly from her, even when we used to visit.
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Wrong… you ARE certain what to
do. Move out and let your husband tend to Mommy.
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Didaviscfl Apr 2023
We have been together for 26 yrs I am not leaving my husband.
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You have a daughter and you subject her to an old woman who smokes while on oxygen knowing that she can blow up the house? You also have a husband who is a deadbeat dad because he's chosen his mother over his daughter? And you're complaining because your MIL gives you nasty looks, treats you like a servant, and something about a purse? You don't see the real problem which is that you and your husband are unfit parents. Forget about your MIL and, if necessary, about your husband. Do what you have to do to get your daughter out of your dysfunctional and dangerous living situation.
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ZippyZee Apr 2023
Seriously. CPS needs to be involved before APS. This person is the worst kind of unfit mother.
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I so hope you have a home to go back to.

Your DH needs to get a back bone. "No Mom you cannot smoke around oxygen" then take the cigarettes away. Let her call the cops. When they come, they can explain to her what happens when u smoke around oxygen. Let her scream and holler at the police. Then u have it on record how she is. Do not disable her. She should be doing whatever she can for herself. Treat her like the child she is acting like. At this point, she needs you more than you need her. Your husband needs to tell her "no more". He is an adult and she needs to respect that and you too. Just because he takes it does not mean u need to. He needs to stand up to her.

The house, if MIL is considered competent you cannot sell her house even with a POA. And you need a POA to sell it. The other person on the deed needs to "force" the sale because I am sure MIL won't agree to it. When that happens, then you place Mom in a nice LTC facility. I would not even consider an Assisted Living. She would be asked to leave with her attitude. She takes what money she has and pays for her care privately. About 3 months before she runs out, she applies for Medicaid.
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Didaviscfl Apr 2023
In our state we have perm to sell the house because it does not belong to her. It belonged to her husband's family as I said and they want her out. We moved to sell the house and she was booted from the rehab nursing home due to her smoking. Because my hubby is her poa, he has to take care of her
We tried to find her agencies to come in but they keep on leaving.
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If either of my MIL's were like yours, I would drop her off at a hospital ER with a note pinned to her coat and drive away.

She is clearly not in her right mind if she's smoking on oxygen and she's villifying her caregivers and family when there is no cause to.
Leave her there. If she wants to be abusive, nasty, vicious, and make threats - walk away.
Or drive away. Let the state sort her out.
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Didaviscfl Apr 2023
We tried to get the them involved and they did not want to deal with it. She has already been booted and black listed IMO. I forced them to pick her up in an ambulance, the hospital agreed with me but they said because of her actions, they were not able to help. They said she is okay but needs assistance and it is our responsibility to do so. Basically, everyone has thrown in the towel.
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There is a sign on the door that reads:

NO SMOKING!
OXYGEN IN USE.

To stay there yourselves, or to leave Mil in an unsafe environment is enabling her.

Think about it-if the other party wants to force the sale of the house, your Mil is in the same position as you: facing homelessness. She really does not have much power.

Call APS, get her admitted to a geriatric psych ward for evaluation and her own safety. With the right meds, she may become more reasonable. Do not punish her for being ill and out of control.
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BurntCaregiver Apr 2023
@Send

No one has to tolerate abuse from anyone whether that person is ill or not.
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“My husband is not able to work and has to be at her call” not true at all. That’s a lie you’ve sold yourselves. Not to sound harsh, but you and your husband are adults, and as such free to choose everything about your lives. There is zero reason to live with someone who doesn’t want the help you provide and criticizes you at every turn. This isn’t healthy for any of you. You don’t owe MIL anything, move out, no arguments or explanations needed. Go back to work and guard your own health and financial futures. Your daughter shouldn’t live in this mess either, she will come to resent you for placing her in this situation. Talk to hubby today, tell him it’s time to go, and then go with or without him. I wish you the best
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NYDaughterInLaw Apr 2023
This is the way!
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Move out, with or without your husband, and leave her to smoke while on oxygen. There’s a good chance the issue will… resolve itself in the manner anyone stupid enough to remain in that house deserves.

You state you have a daughter living there? I really hope she isn’t a minor. If she a minor, CPS should remove her from your “care” and charge you and your husband with child abuse since you are willingly putting her in a life threatening situation every second she is in that house.
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Didaviscfl Apr 2023
Listen here zipee. I do not give a about what you think I should do. You are a rude that has no business putting any response as you COPLETELY misunderstood my post. Yes, maybe I worded it horribly however, I NEVER said that my children were living there NOR did I say anything about them. WHAT I SAID WAS THE PURSE WAS MY DAUGHTERS SHE WAS 14 WHEN SHE LOST AND THAT WAS A DECADE AND A HALF AGO. HOW OLD DOES THAT MAKE HER? We found the purse in the closet
Meaning, my mil threw out the contents and stored the purse in her closet for over 15 years. Maybe you shouldn't be such a judgemental
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I would get the hell out of her home that's what I would do. With or without your husband.
You say that your husband "has to be at her call" but let me tell you, your husband is choosing to be at her beck and call. There's a big difference.
If hubby wants to continue to be his mother's slave and be used and abused, that's on him not you. You have to now do what is best for you and your marriage.
As long as someone is there to enable your MIL she will never admit that she needs more help and the vicious cycle will continue.
Just because your husband is an only child doesn't mean that he is in any way responsible for the care of his mother. I just don't understand that way of thinking.
So next time she threatens to remove you from the house, PLEASE take her up on it and then let the chips fall where they may. It's time to call her bluff!
And once out you can call APS and report a vulnerable adult living by themselves and let them take it from there.
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Didaviscfl Apr 2023
I really wish I could. When she was booted from the ltc for rehab, they made my husband sign a statement saying that we would provide care or an agency would. She was acting nice and sweet then all hell broke lose. No one will touch her. They basically tricked us. Social services said it is our responsibility because my husband took over her care. They came in and talked to her when we went to a funeral back home and told us we could not leave again until we found an agency or someone to take care of her. I have tried to find a place for her to go. It is like she was blacklisted. We live in a small town and tried to get her to go back to where we were originally at. She refuses to go.
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IMO the only solution is to move out. If your husband wants to go, fine, if not that would be fine as well.

I am so against moving in with a parent I cannot begin to tell you the horror stories, so many just do not understand the ramifications of doing this. Your husband not working is one of them, you are now dependent on the mother to keep a roof over your head. Yes, she knows that it is her home, her rules, you are her coolie.

She can live for many more years, is this how you want to spend the next years of your life? I would hope not.

Good Luck!
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You already have excellent suggestions .
The only thing I can add is TAKE THE CIGARETTES AWAY. Let her only smoke outside with supervision until you get this living situation resolved . You, your husband , and daughter are in danger . Too bad if mother in law calls the cops . Let her , it’s better than blowing up . Call APS , and/or your local dept of aging . . If she can’t live alone get her placed. Be prepared to leave and have a place to live . Your husband should not quit his job to take care of her .
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BurntCaregiver Apr 2023
It's the mother's house, Way. If she wants to smoke in her house that unfortunately, is her decision. These people need to walk away and let the state take over.
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You simply leave, with your husband or without him if he will not leave. You get your own apartment and jobs.

Or you choose to stay and deal with all this that you have mentioned if you feel qualified to do so and wish to continue in this manner.

You do not mention that there is any diagnosed dementia.
Nor do you mention that there is a legal POA .
If there is no dementia your MIL can take care of herself or hire in help.

If there is dementia I would call APS to deal with MIL and tell them that you are unable to do so.
If APS believes her living conditions are unsafe they will arrange for diagnosis and guardianship of the state, then placement. You will not have a choice as to where this is, and the state will appoint a fiducicary to manage finances, medicaid if needed, and nursing home care.

The choice is really entirely up to you. I sure wish you good luck. Not everything can be fixed.
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Didaviscfl Apr 2023
Please find the other comments. Social service told us we need to care for her so leaving is out of the question.
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Seriously, if I were in your shoes, I would leave, with or without my husband. I would tell him to join me when he's had enough.

If he doesn't want to leave her alone, he should go ahead and get someone from an agency to come out for a day or two. When the aide comes, he leaves the house. If MIL fires them, then she'll be alone. Let her be alone and suffer the consequences of having no help. That will teach her the value of having you and your husband there to help her. Otherwise, she takes you all for granted and treats you like dirt. After being left alone struggling, she might be more receptive to having help.

As for the house, I think it should be sold. Check the title, maybe consult an real estate attorney and see if a joint owner can force a sale. My guess is yes. MIL can use the money to pay for assisted living. You and your husband can go back to having a life.
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"We have moved in.."

Throw this into reverse!
Quick sticks!

Ask, say, do..

ASK MIL what she wants - from a list of what is Realistic + Affordable + Available in her area.

SAY
1. Say what you WILL be able to do, going forward.
Eg telephone once a day as a welfare check-in + visit once/twice a week. Help arrange services with her. Help arrange meals on wheels or food deliveries. Or if she is completely against these & cannot cook, bathe or clean, offer to help find her a nursing home instead.

2. Say what you will NOT do going forward.
Eg Live in. Pay for her lifestyle.
Be at her beck & call. Put up with verbal abuse.

3. Say if you find she is unsafe living alone, refusing help to live safely, you will report her as vulnerable adult at risk to authorities.

DO. Do as you say you will. Arrange home services again.
Move out.
Notify APS.

Q.1 Does your husband ever feel free to say NO to his Mother?
Q.2 If not, why not?
Q3. Can you freely say no to him?

You have slidden down a big slippery slope.. but you can reverse this. Hopefully WITH your husband. Or.. he is left down there to smother alone. He chooses.
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Didaviscfl Apr 2023
Find my other comment regarding what happened with social services. They basically said we had to care for her. She is blacklisted.
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Contact your local Adult Protective services unit and infirm them that she is a danger to herself and others and you are washing your hands of her because she is abusing you and your family. Also contact local fire department about her smoking with oxygen and refusing to stop. Ask them to contact APS. Many times, the 2 agencies will work in tandem to place the person , often through a mental health chapter. If your husband refuses to go along with this, take your daughter and leave so this wretch doesnt also destroy your bond with her too. My heart breaks for you , and you will be in my prayers.
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Didaviscfl Apr 2023
Yeah tried that and it backfired big time. See social services long comment.
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You need to get out of there and take your husband with you. If he’s worth keeping, that is.

Neither of you is obligated to this horrific woman. Being an only child doesn’t entitle a person to put his spouse through hell.

She could kill all of you if she starts a fire with her smoking and oxygen. Is that how you want to die? I doubt it.

If you and husband leave, that’ll pave the way for someone else to take over her care. As long as you stay, you’re enabling her to abuse both of you.
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Didaviscfl Apr 2023
My hubby is very much worth keeping and none of this is his fault. Read longer comments for details.
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