Help- My poor decision to have MIL live with us is killing our marriage.

Oh honey, I feel for you...I wish you could have seen the 5 year tour of duty that I took with my MIL...in HER HOME! Lol

Yes. It nearly cost me my marriage when I put down some firm boundaries and refused to provide direct care for my MIL after she assaulted me, yet, my husband blamed ME for his mother ATTACKING ME.  I filed a police report, mailed her estate the bill, and MOVED OUT. 

When my husband threatened to divorce me, I told him to go ahead. I was not going to live anywhere where someone was allowed to hit me. Losing his relationship with me on a daily basis gave him a reality check. My reality was thatI did not wish to be a FT caregiver for someone who didn’t like or approve of me. I returned to my career and started plotting financial independence in case the marriage failed. I built a seperate life and support system. I stopped being a “good wife”. 

It was the respect and boundary that HE could respect. After my MIL died, my spouse has tried to get a foothold on my independence, but that isn't going to happen. I remember he took his mother’s side...and left me financially compromised and emotionally neglected. I will remain financially secure and separate, and although I am supportive of the household expenses and him, in general, I learned from the experience that I am not valued as a family member by his children or extended family. 

I faithfully completed the tour. But I have much reduced expectations of my spouse and I value the survival of the marriage less than the survival of the friendship. In fact, I want out of the marriage. I did my job. Stepping over his kids to do it, while being sick myself, struggling to keep my job. My generosity has been sorely challenged...and 16 months have passed since her death.

Now it is like NOW he wants my help resolving the estate issues, and wants me to pay for it. Nope. I am DONE. 

Being a Catholic and knowing the Scripture, you need to apply firmness to this dilemma. I would use this principle in dealing with MIL.
2 Corinthians 3:10-12. "For even when we were with you, we commanded you this: If anyone will not work, neither shall he eat. For we hear that there are some who walk among you in a disorderly manner, not working at all, but are busybodies. Now those who are such we command and exhort through our Lord Jesus Christ that they work in quietness and eat their own bread."
This is a different application and will be hard to implement, and a perceived obligation by your wife to her mother may be driving your wife's behavior. I have had to address these issues in yet another form and found it worked by firmly by laying out the reasons for and the conditions of my decisions. Some people are great at "guiling" others for a perceived benefit and will continue as long as they are accommodated. STOP!
You first have to reach agreement with your wife, for as the Scripture asks; “Can two walk together unless they are agreed?" Amos 3:1
You will dissolve into despair if you do not act. Love has its limits and will be compromised if you cannot resolve your conflicts.
The final aspect that you have not addressed is that you may want to surrender to this situation and emotionally withdraw; but that is not your style. You are a decision maker; i.e. you are a businessman. Take charge and reclaim your position as the “head of your home”. When you lift the burden of guilt from your wife by taking responsibility, you will be honoring your marriage vows. Remember, the husband and the wife “leave” their family and become joined together. Protect her and your family. (Matthew 19:5-6)

OK- Suggestion: Make a plan for you and your wife to get away= a week or a weekend. Have a sitter come or a relative. whatever works best. You and your wife ALONE.SOON Get AWAY from the situation. Remind your wife of what it is like to be married and together as a team. Have fun together. Do something you both like to do. But GET away/step away from the situation so that you can look at it differently. You both are probably thinking there is no way out of this one. It is Time to make changes. You are well aware of it. Now, get your wife on board. Time to get her off the guilt train. Sounds like MIL is manipulating this to the full extent. Whether or not she is sick - Best of luck to you both.

Been there, done that. My heart goes out to you. Best of luck

In my humble opinion, all the "rules" and "boundaries" that others have suggested aren't going to work. You can't teach an old dog new tricks. There's a reason she's been married multiple times. I'm not throwing rocks, my mother has had 4 husbands too. She also, in her time, was a very spoiled lady, thinking she "deserved" the best. (Narcissistic...look it up, I think you'll find a likeness to MIL.)

The children of narcissistic parents either cave in to their parents wishes and whims (your wife) or rebel against it (me). To me, my mother had NO right to feel superior to or more entitled than anyone. She came from a large, poor family from North Dakota but grew up with illusions of grandeur. Sound familiar?

The only way to correct your "mistake" of bringing her in to your home is to take her out of your home.

You can talk with your wife (hopefully) and explain how you can see how she (your wife) is run into the ground, how tired she looks, how you believe it's caused by doing too much for her mom and that you're worried about her health, now and in the future. Present caregiving her mother as a detriment to your wife's health.

Do some research on-line first, so you can present your wife with other living options for her mom. You must get her to see the need for her mother to leave. Explain that you're very stressed that she will loose her health and you will be going to a counselor. Invite her along that she can "help" you feel better.
If you present it to her that you're worried about the toll it will take on HER (your wife) then you've deferred the blame off you.
And it's TRUE.....up to 40% of caregivers DIE while taking care of loved ones! Tell her you want her to be with you for many years to come and that you would be broken hearted if anything happened to her BECAUSE she was working so hard to take care of her mother.

Maybe you both could tour a couple of facilities then, with a UNITED front, approach MIL that she needs more than you can give her and drive her to see the facilities. Present it WITHOUT ANY OPTIONS!!! She HAS to move for your wife's health.

Independent Living is another option if she's fully capable.

You, sir, have to strengthen your backbone and realize that everything you've worked for in your marriage will crash and burn if this situation goes farther.
Do you want to be single in a few years? Then do nothing.

The only solution is to have her move. I know it seems mean and crewel but it's a matter of life and death of your marriage. Get over the guilt and be free to be the happy little family you were meant to be.

Just my 2 pesos.

Kandula9999 I feel for you! There is so much good advice here. I strongly agree with all that Freqflyer shared. The only thing I can add is if you are a Bible believer than I assume you know the priority of Christ, wife, children, extended family etc..It has to be a family approach with you, your wife and your daughter who is going to effected by the change. Assuming you did all that (I hope) because she is living with you, then the next thing is to know medically that MIL is in good health. If something is going on than you have something to research and find out how to deal with medical issues. If she is in good health and just a toxic person, well, counseling and intervention is needed for the whole family. Sounds like, as so many here have said already but bares repeating, your wife is enabling. The question behind that is why? There's always a why and once you understand that you are on your way to making it better. But, please, whatever you do don't let her come between you and your wife. Your wife, because it is her mother, needs to set her straight on where she is on the priority list (that is if she can hear it). You sound like a good man, and a good husband. I pray for your daughter's sake that she can witness you and your wife taking care of each first, your daughter and than MIL. Children live what they learn. You are a good man, and I pray God blesses your friendship with your wife, and your father/daughter relationship through this trail. It will be ok once you all deal with it head on, truth hurts, but avoiding it can be a relationship killer.
I married my husband while he was caring for his mother with Alzheimer's. At one point I had hurt my knee badly and he was caring for me, and Mom was angry that he didn't pay her attention. He gently told her more for my sake than her's that I was his wife and I come first. He will come when he is done caring for his wife (mind you she was not in danger and didn't need any medical or other care at the moment). It really solidified our friendship and marriage. MIL didn't remember it, so what, but I did and it helped me know how important our marriage was to him. It also gave me more understanding for the poor dear. Your wife is in charge of setting her Mom straight. You are in charge of putting wife first, then daughter before all others. Praying for you!

I don't even know where to start. The minute I read that you fantisized she would see your hard-working lifestyle and follow suit, I nearly spat my coffee on the keyboard. You are both enabling this loser, supporting HER lifestyle so she can loll around in freedom like a queen, demanding tribute from her servants. This is a life-long thing, she has some horrible personality disorder, and she is not going to change. I don't know how you will ever get her out, your wife is enmeshed in her mommy's terrible problems and will forbid it. Even if you do get her out of the house, your wife will be weeping and worrying and running around trying to make mommy's life better even if she lives across town. And will take it out on YOU, you meanie, poor poor mommy, who needs HELP....I wish I could tell you that you would be better off moving out, yourself, but that will bring its own problems.

This woman needs to be in senior housing. Maybe an apartment complex for older people; she'll be right at home there. She'll be surrounded by others her own age, she can walk around in her leopard skin pajamas to her heart's content, and have three nutrional meals per day along with her junk. This woman will be right at home as she'll have somebody to clean her apartment, she can have her own TV set, and watch classical movies to her heart's content

Wow, what a horrid situation for you, your wife and your daughter. They should be paramount in your thoughts, and your MIL seems like the "elephant in the living room." From what I read, it's pretty obvious she's not going to make any changes, or anything significant, anyway. She needs to be in her own place, whether it's an apartment, assisted living, rented room, whatever. Having her with you is destroying your marriage and also affecting your daughter very negatively. As the daughter of an alcoholic parent, I know how dysfunctional living affects a child. Do anything that you can do to get her out of your home, and then concentrate on healing the damage done to your daughter so far, and to your marriage. Your MIL will survive, even if she has to move to a room/apartment/home/assisted living, and even if she hates it. You have a marriage and daughter to consider. Make your choices, be strong. We are all thinking of you and hoping for the best.

I am crying for you. May you have the nerve to talk to your wife and the two of you figure out how to handle this. If the money is there, either find a place for her or put her on a round the world cruise, which she may like. Older folks do like to find time for themselves, so she may not be so happy living with you either. But, you have to end ths.

Oh so sorry to hear this...and what this sounds like is a lack of love and a lack of understanding that none of us arrive on this planet with an instruction manual on how and how not to live our lives. What is necessary here is to first REMOVE THE ANGER and sit and meditate on how a human being such as you MIL arrived in such a state after years of living and FORGIVE HER for what all humans do...MAKE MISTAKES AND EXERCISE POOR JUDGMENT. None are good, no, not one! KJV

I would also suggest you make up your mind to chat with your wife over next steps of assistance for her Mother and to see the movie, PAUL:AN APOSTLE OF CHRIST. Your mother is probably not as bad as the Roman Centurians and THE PRAETORIAN GUARDS assigned his day to day care. The movie is out also by the way. FIGHT FIRE WITH FIRE! Inner spirits are at the real root of the problem so also GO WITHIN for spiritual not religious answers that will not fail you in this type of living! Dr Coppertino
P.S. TAKE A VACATION!

Sounds like you MIL has lived her life just the way she pleased so why does it make sense for your wife and the family to sacrifice theirs for her Get some social services involved, perhaps MIL can find a shared living place and learn how to pitch in

So, do I understand that you were the driving force in having MIL live with you? I might have misunderstood your post. If this is the case, maybe your wife is dancing so hard and fast because she doesn't want to disappoint you.

It is time for you and wife to join hands and figure out who wants what, I disagree with the poster that said your wife's feelings towards her mom will never change, when a woman comes from a dysfunctional family into a loving, understanding marriage, feelings can change. Your wife needs to know you've got her back and are willing to do whatever it takes to protect her and your child. This will help your wife find her balance with her mother. MIL being ill or not doesn't really matter, inappropriate unacceptable behavior is just that. Gather your daughter and wife under your arms and figure out what to do with this spoiled self centered person you brought into your home. NOT easy but, very doable. If you have to sell the family home, so be it, no sacrifice can be as big as the one you are all making now. God bless you for trying to do right by your MIL, remember God is no respector of persons, she can contribute to the overall well-being of the family, ie helping around the house, doing her fair share or she gets a new address, PERIOD. Emotionally healthy, caring families all work to the good of the entire family, can you say she does that? There is your answer.

I'm going to focus on your comments about how tightly you and your wife have handled your finances. Very well done and congratulations BUT now is the time to loosen up a bit so that your wife has less to do. Hire a housekeeper or a service to come in at least 1 time a week, or maybe every other week to clean well, change linens, do basic laundry. If you hire a service they send several people and they are there a much shorter time than if you hire just 1 person. Claim that you and wife are having medical issues and Dr. has put you on a strict food program. Make up something and post on the fridge about what you can and cannot eat. A low sugar/low fat diet would work, then you eat those foods. It sounds as though your wife is doing her best and may be working so hard at the job and maintaining the home that she has not stopped and looked at what has happened. You can provide for the MIL, but it is not your job to wait on her hand and foot and cater to every little whim. Perhaps you could see a counselor for a few sessions to get his/her independent thoughts as to how you can handle the situation better so that your wife has an easier time and you reign in your MIL's ways. Good Luck.

your first mistake was in thinking that by living with you she would emulate you; no, although it has helped some in my dil's case, but she's much younger but she was raised with this entitlement mentality; even today I'm wondering what she's managed to "con" my husband into, but I'm out of it but it's affected our marriage, too, but he was somewhat raised that way, too, although I didn't fully realize it, then; seems like you didn't either, but here we are

If you love your wife and value your marriage, sit them both down. Explain what is happening and why. Tell them "no more".....this is going to be the way it is OR you will take the next steps and perhaps leave them (doesn't mean you really have to but scare them). Then start searching for a place to put your MIL. Your first obligation is to you and to your wife. And probably seek outside supportive help. This woman will destroy both of you if you let her get away with it. Good luck.

You need to give MIL some rules - your daughter lives with you with rules so should MIL - start by having a talk with wife then tell MIL that this is the way things are starting now - however that is if she is able so wife needs to see mom's dr. with MIL to optimize her health & know exactly MIL's state of health [which dr. probably wants her to improve her life style]

MIL should have 1/4 of house not 1/2 so draw some lines - she has a bedroom TV so that is hers exclusively but living room TV is collective so majority rules & she can go to her room to watch something there - put a lock on a cupboard in kitchen for the pop, chips, cookies & those who have done their chores get them or even better stop buying them at all -

MIL will fight this because basically she is living her dream life ... she has food of her choice appear without her effort, her laundry is done without her effort, her room is cleaned [I bet the sheets are even changed for her too] without her effort, she has a choice or TV to watch whenever & wherever she wants - notice how often I wrote "without her effort" because your wife is now her personal servant [with guilt baggage so won't quit] - even with some health issues she could be doing something like folding laundry for all but where is there anything to incentivise her to to get up off her butt & help

Have your wife read what many have written here to open her eyes too - she has become an enabler to her mother's unhealthy life style & this is not a good example for your daughter either - you both are buying unhealthy foods regularly so it might be time for all 4 of you to look at your diets because moderation of 'treats' doesn't seem to work so eat off what you have & DON'T BUY ANYMORE CRAPPY FOOD - DH & I buy chips ... 1 medium bag for 3 to 4 weeks because we don't binge them but put a small amount in a small bowl with 1 trip to bag a day - you're right that diet makes me feel ill just reading about it much less having it

It seems that the 3 of you need counseling. You all have so many issues it's mind boggling. Find yourself a good family therapist who can sort out the feelings and MIL has to be part of all this and she, most of all needs, therapy. It's nice to vent but it doesn't solve your problem and you all need help. Good luck, hang in there, and stop whining. You seem to be an intelligent man, so get the help you need. Family is like a business and what do you do in business, solve the problems otherwise your business will go down the drain and fail.

Sorry for what you are going through for trying to be a loving caring husband to your wife and good to your MIL. I think you and your wife definitely needs to sit down and have a honest talk and about feelings and what is realistic even if it is with a mediator. It really sounds like your MIL is taking advantage of your wife and her situation. I think you really should consider your MIL moving to an assisted living. At assisted living they have their own small apartment and there is transportation provided to take them shopping for food, clothes, etc., plus there is staff on duty incase they need help such as if they fall or get sick.

Kandula,

Welcome to this site, my perception is the following:

You are a good man and you’re one of those nowadays rare people that understands what love and commitment is.

You’re very responsible.

Because you’re so disciplined with yourself, your business, your life and your family it is hard, very hard for you to understand and accept a different modus vivendi...specially when it is in front of you every day,  in your own home.

You’ve NOT failed supporting and being a good partner to your wife, you’re simply HUMAN.

Now the issue is, I get that after you had an argument with your wife because you finally said all that you were keeping inside, now you’ve calmed down and you can see that you didn’t mean to hurt your wife and you want to be more compassionate, and that’s very noble of you. Yet, realistically the truth of the matter is that the situation does bother you, not because you’re mean or selfish, it simply bothers you...so what will likely happen is that you’ll keep accumulating the resentment inside until you “share it again” with your wife in not a calmed way or until you start feeling ill to come back home and depressed.

I’m not being negative, just realistic.

Now, I think you need to realize that the following WILL NOT change: Your mother in law and her ways, won’t change, period. Your wife’s feelings, and her ways towards your MIL will not change either. Your MIL’s health will at some point decline more because of age or illness and the situation might actually be worse...or maybe better, because she’ll be less active, but more depending on your wife.

So, what can you do?

Since you guys allowed the situation to become what it is (there was NO need for your MIL to “own” half of the house, and there were NO “rules” established on day 1, and you guys developed very bad habits as a family..doing all her chores, etc), now you need to start doing what you should have done at the beginning, but now it’ll be MUCH harder.

Step 1, is to talk to your wife. Not fighting, not blaming, but also not acting as if YOU are guilty of a lack of heart, because trust me, you are very generous and a good partner Kandula. Talk as a TEAM.

Talk to her just to make her see how you feel, not apologizing for how you feel, just making her really see how certain things affect you, how you feel uncomfortable and like you said like a prisoner in your own house. I don’t think you can “kick her out” like someone said, your wife would feel really bad and your marriage would,suffer anyway. 
But you can start building new dynamics. An example could be, your wife can tell your MIL that she’s not been feeling well, she’s too tired and so she wants to try cutting down on tasks after work, therefore she wants to “show her” how to use the washing machine and dryer so she can do her laundry. Now, her groceries, I guess you buy them while shopping for the family too, right? Are you paying for her groceries? If not, I don’t see the issue, because it’s no more effort, right? As to what to buy for her, well, I’d suggest to your wife to go with her to see her doctor next time, and ask him/her to strongly suggest she changes her diet, then you will have something to use as an excuse not to buy her candy, donuts, etc. And she could also try cutting down on unhealthy things, no donuts, because you guys forgot. 
Her walking wearing her nightgown around the house, I can totally agree it is not proper and I’d never do that myself, BUT I don’t think you can change that, not even a conversation will fix that because your MIL and wife will get hurt and really I don’t think it is worth it.

So what I’m trying to say is take the behaviors that are bothersome one by one and discuss them with your wife in that conversation but not complaining, sharing with her ideas for SOLUTIONS, as that’s what a good partner does! And also, what a good listening partner does (your wife) is to really pay attention and not dismiss how you’re feeling, so MAKE SURE Kandula that your wife is clear that this is affecting you, deeply, so she understands that action is needed, not because you’re pushing her against a wall of no,choice and asking her not to care for your MIL, but because you’re asking her to,work as a team to fix a situation that got out of control, and you two seem to know how to apply control in life, time to put your skills to great use!

Lastly, the best solution, if you’re able and have the means, would be to buy a house that has a MIL separate place, so she can be completely in her space and you in  yours and have your sanity back! Or Assisted Living. That’d really be ideal. If you can, consider it and talk about it with your wife.

Good luck Kandula, and truly my admiration for being an excellent husband and partner for your wife!

Ps. Do you have a single brother in his mid 40s or early 50s? Lollol just kidding. A little humor gets us caregivers through life!! :)

It’s ok to play out “what if” scenarios in your mind. However, 90% of your posts are just that. You’re living out these scenarios in your own mind and not in reality and it’s not working. “What if Mother really is sick...but what if she’s NOT...” Youre making yourself crazy with these mental scenarios. At some point, all 3 of you, or at least you and Wife have to jump off this not-so-merry-go-round and confront the facts. Is Wife as stressed out as you appear to be? Could be she’s spent her entire life dealing with Mother and this is nothing new to her. Some people thrive under adverse conditions and congratulate themselves for surviving. It’s a real feeling of accomplishment. If Mother was like this all Wife’s life, Wife has learned to internalize her feelings and isn’t going to open up to even you. In a quiet moment, when the two of you are alone together, I’d suggest you’d say, “Look, Wife, this isn’t working out with Mother here.” Focus the conversation on you and how you feel. Don’t imagine that you know how Wife feels. You can’t change Mother’s behavior or actions. There is no magic pill or speech that will suddenly turn her into Suzy Homemaker. She is who she is and probably has been for a long, long while. Confess to wife that you can no longer tolerate having Mother in such close proximity. A solution may be to find a dwelling with an apartment on another floor or above the garage. Mother cannthen live how she pleases, but not right under your nose. If Wife would want to go to Mother’s new quarters and be her maid, that’s her decision. You need to present a united front with Wife when you speak with Mother. Any hesitation will give Mother the opening she needs. “Mother, we tried and it didn’t work. You need to go and we will help you find and set up alternative housing. It has to be this way. “ DO NOT give a litany of Mother’s faults and odd behaviors. Do not make accusations or excuses. Let Mother know this is the way it has to be. Period. However, if Wife is hesitant and “on the fence”, you’re sunk before you even set sail. You need to get out of your head, leave the what-if scenarios behind and be the change.

Find her a boyfriend, preferably in a State across the country. I'm serious. It may not be the most honorable thing you can do, but it's a matter of self-preservation! Hook her up to some online group and go out of your way to make sure that she doesn't say the wrong thing and scare him away. She will be occupied and happy while fishing and you and your family will be rewarded if she gaffs some gentleman. Who knows, she may even sail off into the sunset with a guy with money.

Al

Glad you are here Kandula9999. Just sharing helps you. Lots of good suggestion also. If they are not working, mediation sounds good.
I loved learning about giving a choice when my kids were little. If they did not want to come inside from playing (and it was time), I gave a 10 min. warning. Then, said 'we are going in now. You have a choice of walking in or being carried.'

I also offered my aunt a choice, after discussing it all with my husband. We could move her into assisted living, or she could come live with us in Maine, or she could stay with us for 2 weeks and then decide. She was not going to live alone or drive again. Doc agreed and told her so.

Good luck, God bless, and let us know how you are doing.

I share your pain, and your wife’s. In my case, I moved my mom over 1,000 miles to be near me after my dad passed. My husband put a small home onto our property for her to live next door. To my way of thinking, if I were in her place this is just what I would want - my own place and my own independence. Not my Mom’s idea of paradise though. I soon found myself rushing our family dinner so I could run next door to entertain her every single day. Occasional visits and daily phone calls were never enough. My husband put up with this but he could see how stressed I was bgoing coming over my moms increasing demands on my time. To put this into better perspective, I work full time outside the home and we also have an adult special needs son who we are caregivers for. Personal family time is a precious commodity for me. But I’m also an only child and being the “ good daughter” I was enabling my mom to totally monopolize my time. She is able to do for herself and even still drives at 89 years old. She would prefer that I do everything for her and drive her everywhere but I simply cannot. She is also a hypochondriac and has panic attacks ( but I seriously believe that those panic attacks are put on for sympathy). I’ve had to set boundaries with her to keep my sanity and regain my precious family time. I call her daily and I visit her Wednesday evening and on the weekend, plus take her out for breakfast every Sunday. I’ve seriously tried to interest her in the senior center so she can make friends and have connections to their services which would greatly benefit her but so far she refuses that. It’s not easy and she is still mad at me gladly dumps her guilt trip on me every chance she gets. I just comeback to this forum when I start feeling the guilt and it puts me back in perspective and reinforces in my mind that I am doing the right thing by setting restrictions and boundaries with her. Best wishes to you and your family in your situation. Hang in there and make a game plan you can all agree to. Then insist MIL adheres to it or find her new living accommodations.

freqflyr is right - it's time to stop enabling MIL - Let her know that things are going to change or she is welcome to move to AL. Time for Elder Attorney and getting MIL onto Medicaid if necessary. You didn't do her a favor by buying her home, sadly, but your heart was in the right place. She will most likely have to "spend down" to be eligible for Medicaid.

But you need to get her "self-sufficient" or out of the house.

I feel for you. How old is MIL? Does she have LTC insurance? Can she get on Medicaid? ALF look like hotels ...maybe look into it? Wife has to be at point where she is fed up. You take care of yourself. I take care of my mother w dementia/Alzheimer’s & is combative. I hire private caregiver to give me respite. I would NEVER if I was married subject my husband to this kind of life. Everyone copes the way they think is best. Nobody knows how long it lasts except G-d. You’re human & can take only so much. Do you have hobbies like golf to get out of the house? Hugs to you

I really appreciate some of the conclusions you came to after hearing responses.

One thing to remember is that it is highly unlikely that ANYONE will change their ways, especially after so long. You are just as unlikely to begin sleeping all day and staying up watching movies all night as your MIL is to begin living responsibly. Although you don't agree with it, it isn't your place to judge, nor is it your MIL's place to judge what you do or don't do. With that in mind, it IS your wife's place to judge what she can and cannot do. If MIL's stuff is more than she wants to do, she needs to set some boundaries. A good way to do that is come on here and see all of the others who have been in your wife's boat to see what they have done. What has worked and what hasn't.

I would definitely speak to your wife about this. It it likely that she is feeling overwhelmed on many levels. Just talking to her and letting her know it must be hard for her to take care of everything will probably be greatly appreciated. It might be just the support she needs.

You deserve a good life. Either MIL goes or you and your daughter go. The ball is in your court.

Others here have addressed the family and living situation and given good insights. You are questioning yourself regarding MIL's health status, whether it is a case of can't or won't, so I'll add my little bit on that question.

Was she always this way? Living on sweets, watching TV constantly, sleeping all day, not caring about her appearance, lack of concern for others, not tending to cleanliness, laundry, etc? If so, then that's sad, but that's MIL.

If not, this constellation of behaviors could indicate onset of at least one type of dementia, the second most common one, but one often not diagnosed until the later stages, namely FTD or Frontotemporal Dementia. Common early signs of the behavioral variant of FTD: Craving sweets and bananas, loss of empathy, loss of insight, lack of concern for others, apathy (yes, sleeping a lot and watching TV), loss of concern for appearance (becomes lack of hygiene in later stages), sometimes hypersexuality, some become gullible and vulnerable to scammers (especially if "romance" is involved), irritability and anger issues may appear early on, loss of inhibition that becomes more pronounced over time, loss of executive function (difficulty with complex tasks, may make poor financial decisions), inertia and lack of initiative (can't seem to get started on a task easily), sometimes aimlessly rummaging through drawers or a sort of compulsive handling of objects or papers, may utter the same phrase several times a day or develop repetitive gestures. Sometimes balance and gait issues appear in the early stages, but sometimes not until later stages. Memory issues don't appear until later stages. Progression can be very slow, especially in the early stages.

It's a tricky disease, with various subtypes, variable rates of progression, and variable symptoms. Always there is brain atrophy in the frontal and/or temporal lobes of "brain shrinkage" which may or may not show up in scans in the earliest stages, but will by middle stages.

Often it is not recognized as dementia until later stages when memory problems appear (they usually do just fine on the MME in earlier stages) and then is often misdiagnosed as Alzheimer's. I don't know much about Lewy Body dementia, but believe it may follow a similar track in early stages.

Again, if MIL has gorged on sweets and slept all day and gone around in her pajamas all her life and neglected her laundry, etc., then no worries. If not, even if these changes have come on gradually, you may suspect early stages of this or some other types of dementia and might want to look into having her evaluated. It's best to be prepared and learn what is coming, as dementia is a cruel disease for all concerned. There's also the possibility she is depressed, which can be treated (unlike dementia, no cure for that).

If you suspect your MIL might indeed be in the early stages, or want to explore the possibility, the best places in the web to learn about FTD are:

The FTD Support Forum (highly recommend!) ftdsupportforum.com

UCSF site: memory.ucsf.edu/frontotemporal-dementia

AFTD site: theaftd.org

You can find the caregiver's inventory used to help diagnose this type of dementia here:
dementiakt.com.au/doms/domains/behaviour/fbi/
Scroll down to the light blue bar for the test form and manual in pdf format. If you and your wife find yourselves answering "yes" to a number of questions, you might suspect MIL may suffer from this. If not, breathe a sigh of relief. This is a horrible disease.

More on diagnostics here: memory.ucsf.edu/ftd/sites/all/files/pdf/ftd/MAC_FTD_Primer.pdf

Another thread on this here: https://www.agingcare.com/questions/mother-has-had-signs-of-dementia-for-a-year-the-doctor-diagnosed-frontaltemporal-lobe-dementia-437017.htm

I hope your MIL does not have this cruel disease. It is a very long and hard journey for all concerned. Because you were questioning, I thought I should bring it up as a possibility as her behaviors look familiar to me. My father is now in the late middle stage of FTD, behavioral variant.

All the best to you and your family.

Wonderful sharing here. I agree with others who recommend having outside professional help to assist you and your wife in sharing your feelings andplanning for what is best for everyone. You wife is lucky to have you. It takes a partnership. I have learned that it is impotant to not let an elder parent take over my life. I hope your family will be able to place mom in a community suitable for her ability, set boundaries, and heal your own lives. Mil can be visited often, but she should not be allowed to dictate the lives of others. Your wife will need help getting over guilt...but she can start establishing some backbone by not keeping junk food and poison drinks on hand.

Good luck to you and keep us posted. I believe that proclaiming your partnership to your wife will help her deal with her complex relationship with your mil. The help from a counselor will be priceless.
Hugs.