Hey, all. I asked for help a few years back, but didn't get any replies.
My gram has dementia and lives at her home with her partner.|
The problem we face is; when do you decide to move them to a care home?
She's at the point where her memory is very poor. The other day we took her to a family members and she started to think she was at home and didn't want to leave.
She feeds her dogs all day every day. There's literally 10 bowls of food on the floor right now.
She doesn't really change her clothes very often anymore and hygiene isn't that great.
She isn't great at holding down a conversation. She often jumps around a lot and her sentences don’t make a lot of sense.
But if you ask her what she wants to do about eventually moving to a home, she will tell you she's fine, she doesn't want to go to a home, she can manage on her own, etc.
She hasn't had any falls and she's quite healthy, but she is starting to get a bit violent with her partner. They fight a lot and he's not very good at caring for her because he gets frustrated with her.
If he wasn't there to help her, she definitely couldn't live alone.
He's having difficulty staying sane himself.
My worry is, if we put her in a home, what if she is so unhappy there that she gives up and dies? Or spends all day there being miserable?
It would be easier to send her there if her memory was completely gone, but she still does know what is happening around her.
What do you do?
I would say that Grandmom could be placed now. My question would be, though, does she see a neurologist? If so, there are meds that help with aggression. Its her partner who does the care and the one who should say when he can no longer do it. If they r not married, then one of her children should have her placed. Grands should not have to be involved with care of a grandparent.
At that time this level of dementia was apparently already going on, and apparently she was living in the care of her partner.
You do not say who has the POWER to put your grandmother in care?
Who is POA for your grandmother?
Has she been formally diagnosed as having dementia?
Does she have a guardian?
It would be that person, the person with guardianship, conservatorship or POA who would make the decision on putting Grandmother in care.
You are absolutely correct that removing her from her home, her animals, her partner may well kill her. She has been living apparently in this condition for three more years.
It is difficult to advise you without knowing further facts in this case as to
1) diagnosis of dementia
2) who is POA or guardian
3) how safe are the living conditions currently.
Best of luck to you.
In other words, if you (or no one) is her Power of Attorney, and her memory is so bad that she no longer has legal capacity to create a PoA (or even cooperates in doing so) -- then there's nothing you can do.
You can't force her into a facility -- even if she has bad dementia -- if there's no legal representative acting on her behalf. Who is going to pay for this facility? If she has no legal financial representative, then she has no way to pay for the facility.
Here's what you can do: tell her partner the next time your Grandma says or does anything abusive or threatening, the partner calls 911. Then the partner tells the EMTs about the behavior and that maybe she has a UTI and they will take her to the ER. At that point HER PARTNER talks to the hospital staff to tell them that your Grandma cannot go back home because she's an "unsafe discharge" and needs a "social admit". The partner cannot bring her back home otherwise he will be stuck caring for her and the cycle will repeat.
Also, please keep in mind that almost NO ONE wants to be in a facility, even a nice one. She needs to be in one for her own good and protection, whether she likes it or not. People need time to adjust when they transition so I'm sure she will act out or complain. But, without a PoA the county will probably need to become her legal guardian and then they call all the shots for her and manage all her finances and make all her medical decisions for her. That's as much as can happen for her.
You and the partner should watch some Teepa Snow videos on YouTube so that you can learn all about dementia and how it changes people and how to better interact with them so that you can be the most helpful to them without burning yourselves out. I wish you all the best on this journey.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/help-with-dementia-463957.htm
Grandma needs fulltime help and to be managed at home fully, or she needs Memory Care Assisted Living. Her partner needs to feed the dogs properly, and not grandma, if he's capable. And if not, both have to move into managed care. Whoever is POA for her can move her into Memory Care Assisted Living with a diagnosis of dementia from her doctor. If grandma is unhappy in MC, then so be it. But at least she's safe, well fed, has activities and good care.
Dementia is a lose-lose situation for ALL concerned. Sometimes there are no good choices to make, so you pick the lesser of the bad choices. That's dementia. You shouldn't expect her to be very happy anywhere, really, because she's losing her faculties a little at a time. Don't worry too much about her "giving up and dying".....the human body is a whole lot stronger than you can imagine. My mother said she wanted to die for yearsssss and lived to 95+.
Good luck to you.