My mom and I met with the hospice case manager yesterday, and Hospice sounds like assisted suicide to me. Mom has congestive heart failure (she just told me that yesterday) end stage of COPD, asthma, cronic asperated pnemonia, panic attacks, etc, so we meet with the Hospice case manager, at the encouragement of Moms hopsital case manager. And they want her to be a DNR, and if she has trouble breathing then they will help her work thru it. If she gets to the point she cannot breathe, don't call 911, but for ME to administer the meds... are they serious !!!! So let me understand this... Mom can't breathe, so I am supposed to be ok with giving her a medication that will relax her so she can stop breathing...? ! ? I don't think I'm ok with this at all.
Everyone said "oh hospice is just wonderful." What I see is assisted suicide, and everyone else standing on the other side of the fence saying oh look, she has hospice, her daughter will be so supported we don't need to do anything to hel[ now...
Mom does want PT, wants to try, but hates it at the same time - very conflicted. Dr does recommend it, Psych Dr said last night he could tell she was depressed but not ready to give up. She is on antidepresants.
Jeanne - not sure I understand what you mean by PT and suicide relating. Mom IS making progress walking in PT - but no one can tell if she will be able to get in and out of bed and wheelchair herself (that is all Mom wants).
I am not OK with sister having the "power" even if it is legally true. It should be a collective family decision to interpret Mom's wishes.
Some patients go on Hospice and come off several times during this final stage of life. The family can even make that determination themselves.
I know this is very painful and stressful for your family. Please enjoy the time you have left with your Mother and not spend it being hurtful to each other.
I wonder if your sister would be willing to hold off on hospice while Mother tries a round of PT? Ultimately this will be your sister's decision, since your mother gave her to power to decide.
When mom was in the middle of her night walks..up and down all night long. I was at my wits end. That's where hospice did everything for me to help mom sleep. Although after many trials of meds. I made it my own authority to take mom off of the drugs hospice prescribed and gave her only over that counter medications. I don't know what kinds of drugs your dad is on right now. But I do know with mom, if it didn't work or made it more difficult for her...I would immediately stop it. I had the control over what was given. I monitored her and distributed the medication and if it made her too groggy. I stopped it. I also went on my computer and learned as much about the disease and the medication that I could so that I knew what it did and how it affected mom. All of my hospice gals were very respectful and considerate. And if I had any issues at all I would call the nurse or the social worker and they would resolve it for me. I'm so grateful for all of them... I could not have done it with out them. I hope for the same for anyone who is offered Hospice. Because I believe they are angels sent from above. God Bless.
My sister has medical PofA, and she is leading Mom down the path towards Hospice - before Mom is ready herself. You know how someone can influence an elder person? My sister is doing that, saying she is honoring Mom's wishes. All of us sibs interpret her wishes differently - that is the problem. Mom has a bit of short term memory problem (probably from the painkillers) - but no dementia. I don't want Mom to give up on walking and doing PT until she is ready to give up. She is not ready, too wishy-washy right now. Obviously no PT under Hospice - so think there should be no Hospice talk for now. Family disagreements abound, and the sister with the medical PofA likes and takes advantage the "P" part.
I am glad you got such wonderful help - I do believe in Hospice in general. And, I am very sorry for your loss.
If her doctor is willing to order it and she is in "failure to thrive" mode why not apply? If she isn't eligible yet there is no harm in trying. You can try again later.
In my experience, Hospice is neutral regarding the timing of death. They aren't trying to hasten it or to postpone it. Their goal is to make the remaining time, whether that is weeks or months or even years, the highest quality it can be under the circumstances. I don't know specifically what they can do for your mother, but what they did for my husband was awesome. As a small example, when saliva accumulated because he had trouble swallowing, they put a patch behind his ear to dry up his mouth. And they didn't have to justify it to some insurance company and I didn't have to leave the house to go get it. When he began to develop a bed sore they took care of it and showed me how and also brought an egg crate mattress pad the next day, to minimize the problem. When his belly was distended I described how much trouble he was having passing urine the nurse brought in a sterile catheter kit and solved that problem immediately -- no transporting to an ER, just do it right here at home. Lots and lots of little things, none of them remotely close to helping him commit suicide, all of them making his end of life a little or a lot less uncomfortable. They definitely would have honored his Do Not Resuscitate wish, that that never came up -- he did not have a heart event. They gave me information that helped me recognize when my husband's time was at hand, and he died with me at this side, holding his hand. They took care of all the paperwork of reporting the death and having the body transported.
Hospice would do an evaluation and also take into consideration your mother's doctor's recommendation. If in their best analysis your mother is not actively dying, then they cannot accept her. If they accept her, what do you think they could/would do to "assist her suicide"? [From a strictly selfish point of view, hastening a death would mean losing a patient Medicare is paying for.]
I hope that you and your sister can come to some agreement. Do either of you have healthcare power of attorney?
Hospice is not for everyone and I really believe we all were trying to give you a little insight on how our dealings with Hospice were. By all means, if you do not feel comfortable going forward with Hospice, then I would not. This is a decision you will have to live with and reflect on for years to come. It is extremely difficult when our parents and loved ones get older... So many decisions, which is the right one, the best one? If you are able, I would talk it over with your Mother and go from there. She is very lucky to have your support and between the two of you, and I completely believe you can come up with a health care plan that does not include hospice. Good luck, God Bless =}
Hospice did not kill my mother, progression of her disease did. Hospice made her as comfortable as possible!! Mom ended up with pneumonia and got a fever, hospice took her into their unit as in-patient and everything was wonderful. Very professional, let mom go with her dignity and with church members around praying for her.
We had a wonderful experience and I hope your mother has the same! God bless.
It is a very upsetting situation all together. and no one can make your choices for you. Or tell you how you should feel about it.
Remember, even when she is gone, your mother lives on in you and all she was to you is never gone.
I've had people say that their loved ones' condition was like a "big elephant" in the house until Hospice arrived. Families usually come together as a unit at this time and talk about things they should have shared years ago. Perhaps having us there helps them feel less burdened and they are able to open up to each other.
I am so sorry for your loss and I am glad you were able to spend time with your Mother. I am sure it meant a lot to both of you. God bless!
She would have died with or without hospice, of course. The point of hospice is to ensure comfort during the dying process. Sometimes they are able to be more successful than at other times, just because of the nature of various diseases.
Since you were 750 miles away, and since you were not her healthcare proxy and not her POA, it is not surprising that you may not have gotten all the medical details. I think you are overreacting and misinterpreting what happened and what caused what, in your grief. That is understandable, but it would be a shame for others to take your from-a-distance view too literally.
Your mother appointed a church person to make health care decisions for her when she could not. (I don't know why she did not appoint you -- perhaps because of the distance.) You last saw her when she was cooking and mobile and could care for herself. But when the body starts shutting down things change very rapidly. The local people, including her doctor and her health care proxy, made decisions with her, to promote her comfort as her body went through the dying process. Your mother was not murdered and she did not commit suicide.
My husband was on hospice for about 5 weeks and it was a wonderful, caring experience. He was dying. There was no question of that. He was able to be comfortable and mostly in good spirits.
Statistics show that persons on hospice live slightly longer than matched counterparts who are not on hospice. There is definitely no goal to shorten the life span. Since Hospice only gets paid for patients while they are living, it certainly would not be in their self-interest to shorten lives.
Once again, I am truly sorry for your loss. I hope you can eventually find peace and comfort yourself.