My mother (65) had a stroke back in November, and has been in a rehabilitation facility since. She only has use of her right side and cannot walk. She also has dementia. We had originally planned to send her to long term care because I believe that’s where she should be to get the care she needs. The hospital did a complete 180 and at our family meeting they had already told my mom before asking us she is going home this Wednesday and want me to be a 24/7 caregiver. She had already accepted going to long term care before this point but now she is set on going home. I am in the process of getting help for a list long of mental health conditions and I’m afraid because I can hardly take care of myself let alone someone who needs the level of care she requires. I would be doing all of this on my own with 1 hour of help a day for 6 weeks from nurses.
I honestly don’t feel this is the safest option for her, but I live in Canada so I’m hearing our wait lists are a year long, which makes sense for why the hospital was pushing so hard, unless it is an emergency. I think this should be an emergency since we are not even sure if she can keep the house she is in. She had an abusive boyfriend who is currently going through court proceedings because of his abuse, and they both have their names on the house. Not even sure how long her house will be available to her.
I feel they are just pushing her out of the rehab facility because they need to, not because it is the safe or right thing to do. They want me to make a decision by Tuesday if I’m going to bring her home, and if so she would be discharged Wednesday. She will be in a wheelchair and she doesn’t have use of her left hand or leg. Honestly, another component to this is we had an awful relationship and she cut me out of her life like 18 years ago to pursue her romantic relationships. The only relationship we have had is going out to dinner once in a while. When we did live together we butted heads a lot and didn’t get along. I’m worried this will be an absolute nightmare and I’ll be stuck in a situation I’m not prepared to be in. I should also mention I have fibromiyalgia and arthritis in my knees, so I’m unsure of my ability to do the transfers. (I’m 28 years old) I guess I’m posting this just to see opinions of others. I feel so guilty having to do this but my heart tells me it’s the right thing for her to be in LTC. Thank you in advanced for your replies!
That's it. No reasons. Just no, I cannot provide the care my Mother needs. Another solution needs to be found.
That's a bit of wisdom that I'm sure I'm mis-quoting...but it sure sounds like it might apply here.
The hospital will say whatever it needs to to make her anyone else's problem. Every single hospital stay for either of my parents, I was asked if I was the caregiver. When I said, "No." That put an end to the pressure. They have to ask and they have to find alternative solutions when you say "No.". Only you can force yourself into this, really bad idea, situation.
Please do not get bullied into doing something you know you can't and don't want to. It will not end pretty. BTDT
I think this is a great opportunity and starting point for you. Good luck!
Why will people shoot themselves in the foot like this..! We would love to take responsibility for my EX wife living in her own home which her abusive ex-boyfriend can't enter because there is a ferocious restraining order poised ready to bite him if he does... Only my daughter is mentally ill so this might all be a bit much for her and my wife wouldn't want me caring for her... but oh, okay, if you folks all think that's best I'm sure we'll cope somehow...
No. Just no. It's a NO.
Call the head of this "team and tell her/him in advance of this weeting that you are performing no care tasks.
If so - well. What can you say.
If not - she would be going to an empty house.
How did the assembled health care team get it into their collective head that you and your father would possibly be supportive of her going home to the extent of being there and doing the work?
That wouldn't be because you and he appeared to treat the proposition as if it wasn't completely barking, would it?
Like this:
"1. This would be an unsafe discharge.
2. I'm moving to Florida, to start a business with my new friend, Cxmoody."
Then, the rehab will HAVE to find a placement for Mom. They will have no other choice.
You're not already living in her home or something, are you? It's just that otherwise I can't see the difficulty in announcing that if she is discharged home on Wednesday you will not be there in support.
Your mother deserves far better care than being isolated at home with one unqualified caregiver.
She needs professional long term care. Period.
How DARE they!
We had a Canadian poster a year or so ago who indicated that this had fairly recently been enforced in Canada, and was causing problems because there weren’t enough facilities to send people on to. That seems to be where you are at.
My guess is that you won’t be able to keep M in hospital. Your only option is to refuse to take her in yourself. That’s your decision. They can’t force you to take her. Your best option is to let the State take over responsibility for her options. She may end up being sent to somewhere which is inconvenient for you to visit, but there is no reason to assume that will be worse for either of you.
And you would agree to this because..?
You mention dementia, but it sounds as though the next step is still mother's decision to make. If she decides she wants to go home then that should be facilitated, for sure. But not by you. She doesn't have the right to decide that you are responsible for providing her with full-time care. The hospital wants to make that happen, they will have to do it without your co-operation.
Is it more complicated than that?
Guilt is a word I am finding tiresome now. It isn't what you are feeling. You a GRIEVING, the other g-word. Not everything can be fixed. Guilt infers that you caused and can change all of this; you didn't cause it and you can't change it. You can only save yourself and your own life.
No one is going to change your siblings either. Not us and not you. Step away from them. You should now have your own job and your own family (which needn't be blood relationship).
Take care of yourself and your ONE LIFE TO LIVE.