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Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
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Who is buying him the alcohol? Is he driving to get it, or is some enabler getting it for him? I'm hoping it is not you...
If he's been a long-term alcoholic he may have Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome, which is a type of dementia brought on from a vitamin deficiency caused by alcoholism. If he's willing to go see his doctor, he can possibly get checked for this since if caught early and treated properly, it may reverse the impairment.
But if not, and he is an active alcoholic, I suggest Al Anon for you because you will need to figure out if you're really going to spend the rest of your days orbiting around someone like him.
If you aren't his PoA (and no one is) then you can call APS to see what your options are in terms of getting him a court-assigned legal guardian so that they will place him in a facility.
A nasty nasty combo, because each condition, on its own, leads those in the family to suffer a CRUCIBLE of pain.
For Dementia? A good doctor, good documentation, good help, eventual placement. For Alcoholism? Al-Anon for the family so that they can get onboard quickly with their own utter helplessness to change that in any way. Alcoholism is changed by the alcoholic only, and with dementia on board? Unlikely to happen, sadly enough. But Al-Anon will teach and support and provide community.
I would not. Since you have already learned how to tolerate a husband with alcohol abuse, I would suggest continuing as you have. As his cognitive decline progresses, you will need to start treating him much like you would a small child. He will need help understanding things, and may not understand at all. Watch for behavior changes. At some point he could become aggressive, dangerous, unmanageable. This can happen with cognitive decline, and the alcohol could exacerbate it. If it becomes unsafe or unmanageable for you, he will need to be in a care facility. You must make the doctor aware of his alcohol use, as it can be unsafe for him to stop suddenly. Make sure the doctor knows how to treat for his alcohol condition.
I am sorry you are dealing with this. I was the daughter. I'd highly recommend AlAnon meetings for you. I also like the little yellow "Courage to Change" book from AlAnon.
I had to back way off and distance myself from Dad. I'd recommend reconnecting with your friends and get as much support as you can in the community. Focus on yourself and find some activities in your community. If you have to move out to an apartment do what you need to do to protect yourself.
During his last 5-6 years Dad ate very little food and started drinking at 9:30 am in the morning and drank all day.
My brother was diagnosed with Warnickes Korsakoffs at age 50. My Dad was never that bad with his memory but I'm sure he had some cognitive decline. Dad was just drunk starting at 9:30 am and continuing throughout the day.
Pay to outsource things like yard care, automotive care, cleaning, and paying bills etc as you will get no help from an alcoholic.
My daughter and I staged a family intervention with trusted spiritual guides. My husband was furious for weeks. I think if he had been younger and in better health he would have left me. But, he quit cold turkey when he was faced with his options.
I can only tell you how I dealt with an alcoholic husband. I got divorced. A person who is not an alcoholic or addict themselves cannot live with someone who is not in recovery. It will break you even if the LO you're living with isn't abusive. My first husband certainly wasn't abusive. He never missed a day of work either. I couldn't live with it anymore though.
Your husband is an alcoholic and also has dementia? That's too much to expect any person to live with. Depending on how far gone he is, you can put him in memory care or a nusing home. Or you move out of the house and file for a legal separation. This way marital assets will not have to be divided up and if you're say on his insurance or he supports you live off his income, that will not change. Also, it will not change if he lives off of you.
Don't stay in sucha situation. It's not worth the destruction it will do to you, and believe me it will ve destructive.
Tell us more about your own situation. Bottom line. Do not allow yourself to be in this environment. You need to put yourself first. There is no telling what he may (continue to). Go to Al-Anon meetings; get into therapy yourself. Contact his MD.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
If he's been a long-term alcoholic he may have Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome, which is a type of dementia brought on from a vitamin deficiency caused by alcoholism. If he's willing to go see his doctor, he can possibly get checked for this since if caught early and treated properly, it may reverse the impairment.
But if not, and he is an active alcoholic, I suggest Al Anon for you because you will need to figure out if you're really going to spend the rest of your days orbiting around someone like him.
If you aren't his PoA (and no one is) then you can call APS to see what your options are in terms of getting him a court-assigned legal guardian so that they will place him in a facility.
For Dementia? A good doctor, good documentation, good help, eventual placement.
For Alcoholism? Al-Anon for the family so that they can get onboard quickly with their own utter helplessness to change that in any way. Alcoholism is changed by the alcoholic only, and with dementia on board? Unlikely to happen, sadly enough. But Al-Anon will teach and support and provide community.
Since you have already learned how to tolerate a husband with alcohol abuse, I would suggest continuing as you have.
As his cognitive decline progresses, you will need to start treating him much like you would a small child. He will need help understanding things, and may not understand at all.
Watch for behavior changes. At some point he could become aggressive, dangerous, unmanageable. This can happen with cognitive decline, and the alcohol could exacerbate it. If it becomes unsafe or unmanageable for you, he will need to be in a care facility. You must make the doctor aware of his alcohol use, as it can be unsafe for him to stop suddenly. Make sure the doctor knows how to treat for his alcohol condition.
I had to back way off and distance myself from Dad. I'd recommend reconnecting with your friends and get as much support as you can in the community. Focus on yourself and find some activities in your community. If you have to move out to an apartment do what you need to do to protect yourself.
During his last 5-6 years Dad ate very little food and started drinking at 9:30 am in the morning and drank all day.
My brother was diagnosed with Warnickes Korsakoffs at age 50. My Dad was never that bad with his memory but I'm sure he had some cognitive decline. Dad was just drunk starting at 9:30 am and continuing throughout the day.
Pay to outsource things like yard care, automotive care, cleaning, and paying bills etc as you will get no help from an alcoholic.
As asked below, how is your husband getting his alcohol? Is he still driving?
With dementia, will the alcoholic, at any point, start to forget they want alcohol?
Your husband is an alcoholic and also has dementia? That's too much to expect any person to live with. Depending on how far gone he is, you can put him in memory care or a nusing home. Or you move out of the house and file for a legal separation. This way marital assets will not have to be divided up and if you're say on his insurance or he supports you live off his income, that will not change. Also, it will not change if he lives off of you.
Don't stay in sucha situation. It's not worth the destruction it will do to you, and believe me it will ve destructive.
Bottom line. Do not allow yourself to be in this environment.
You need to put yourself first.
There is no telling what he may (continue to).
Go to Al-Anon meetings; get into therapy yourself.
Contact his MD.
Gena / Touch Matters