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I can relate. Only it’s my mom. I can only get her to do things if I’m with her. If anyone has suggestions, I’d love to hear them!
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Hi Annabox, your situation is very unpleasant, at best. Have you tried to tell him that unless he starts trying to help himself (as in PT) you won't help either? What I'm trying to say is you'll put as much effort in him as he puts in. If PT will help him walk and he won't even try then you won't do his walking for him. If he wants something from the kitchen and won't use his walker or do PT to be able to walk, don't get him the cookie! If he wants that cookie he will try to get it. You cannot continue to enable him. If he continues not to do anything to help himself, then I would tell him that this is too much for you to handle and he should go to an assisted living facility. That might motivate him! Does he have dementia? Because if he does it will only get worse as he will lose the ability to do ADLs and become more and more dependent on you... As you go thru this site you will find that there are many people (caretakers) that are completely burnt out, including those whose LO's do try as much as they are able. So I'm going to suggest looking into AL for him as soon as possible. YOU are doing a great job under very trying circumstances my blessings to you, Lindaz.
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And btw, he's 77. I've known seniors to live with a great deal of disease and
dysfunction for decades. I've seen very frail seniors living well into their 90's at
home and way past 100 in a facility. You could be stuck doing this for 20 years. No joke. It's not in either of your interests to do so. Each time he falls,
or forgets to eat, or stays shut in all day, he loses a little more of himself and
needs to take more of your life force to keep going. That's the reason a number
of caregivers die before the person they are care giving. They are quite literally transferring their life force into the other person so that they can keep going.

There are better solutions out there. For both of you. Living a lonely shut in life
mired in alcohol, and dependent on one person, that isn't good for him either.
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bigsun Sep 2018
You're right. This man is a psychic vampire. Karma is scary. Situation w my parents etc. has me back on medication again now. ..anti anxiety etc .How long do I have to take them? .. committment to drastically decrease ties is best.
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"I think he looks at me as a friend or a client or something! I don’t even know for sure that he thinks of me as his daughter (who has kids of her own and a life.) I dont know what to do or where to turn.... I can’t imagine my life staying like this. I worry all the time. What should I do?"

Or maybe a servant/friend. I've seen very rich isolated housewives turn their
housekeepers and gardeners into confidantes (I know because it's happened to
me and others I know). They have total control over relationship and because
they also have control over the individual's pay, the hired help is forced to play the part of an obsequious friend. There is no reciprocation. Neglectful and/or narcissistic parents try and form the same type of bond. I think. And punish or guilt trip you when you wont submit to their terms.

You can't care give someone out of this mindset, but you can die trying. As he's unsafe where he is, you should explore different living options for him. Worse comes to worse, report his situation to social services. But try and get him onboard first to live in a healthier environment with assistance.

He needs help, and there are not enough of you to provide it. In a care facility
there will be a small army of people to assist him. Not just you. It is really better for both of you.
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gaiagirlm Sep 2018
"You can't care give someone out of this mindset, but you can die trying"
So true!!!!
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Except for the alcohol abuse, your father is my mother. I am an only child. My mom had no friends or social life and lived through me. She was jealous of me and that made it very difficult.

You say your father’s home is not safe for him, and additionally he is a fall risk. Would he consider Assisted Living? His health may not be all that great. Alcohol has a detrimental effect on the entire body, including his mind. Ask his doctor to test him for dementia. When he acts out in public, it’s ok to firmly tell him to stop it and behave. Yes, like a child.

Since he is so dependent on you, he may accept any advice you had to give. But first, he needs to dry out. He has to want to stop drinking or rehab won’t do any good. I hope he’s not driving drunk.

Stop answering every call. Tell him you will talk to him once or twice a day and that’s all. He’s capitalizing on your pity. He’s using your guilt at not being available to him 24/7 against you. Only you can put an end to that.

Good luck. I know this is difficult.
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I think you have to attempt to get the alcohol situation under better control hard as that may be. Could you get any help from a doctor regarding that situation. I don't believe anything can improve as long as that is a major issue. He is young to have the rest of his life so dependent but alcohol is dominating all the other issues. I hope you can find some solutions in that area as a start.
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Annabox-
You are doing a great job! Don't forget that.
I understand where you are coming from. Sometimes I feel like I am my parents only social outlet. Aside from work... They didn't cultivate many friendships and now... They are retired. In addition... Obnoxious. (obsessed with politics) Sorry. There, I said it.
So for friends...Welp, they have me. I am in the same town. (and I could care less about politics! Or watching the 24/7 news channels 24/7...)
I had to decide how much time I am willing to spend. And so do you. I have to say....your going three times a week and being a hour away is definitely plenty! I try to see my parents once a week. And try to call them a few times in between. Is it possible to not answer all his calls? Would you worry if you didn't? You can listen to his messages immediately and decide about when you will be calling back. You could have some stock things ready.... Sorry dad, I'm cooking dinner. If you are okay? I'll talk to you later. Or, I'm coming tomorrow, we can talk then.
Type or write out a few things you can say. Then practice. Sometimes we get into the habit of letting them keep yakking when we need to go!
I tell myself it isn't my fault that my parents don't have friends. I will say the same to you. It isn't your fault that he doesn't have friends.
And I will tell you again, you are doing a great job!
Hugs.
Sparkles
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