How can I get my sister and her 4 kids to visit our dad or at least call him on the phone? He's in assisted living and very lonely.

Maybe you could get in touch with the OP whose family of at least 16 wants to visit the OP's father all at once.

Thats tough. It could be that if she speaks to him she has to face the reality that he is frail and aging. It might be easier for her to not call and avoid. Have you considered possibly getting him an iPad? That way fam and friends can FaceTime him without physically being there?

I had a similar situation when my husband's 2 kids would rarely call him (months would go by). He has dementia and physical issues as well. I'm his sole caregiver.
I sent an email pleading with them to call their Dad more often - it would cheer him up and, I said, there will be a time when he won't be around to speak with. There was no friction between him and his kids so that's not the issue. His daughter was upset that I sent the email; she shared the email with her Mom (hubby's ex) who chastised ME for laying a guilt trip on her children! I haven't asked them to call since then (2 years ago); daughter has not called but son does from time to time, about monthly. P.S. Daughter is OUT of the will.

I am so sorry you are going through this, because in the best of worlds, family would always be there for family. But that isn't the way it is. People step away from their families for many different reasons - whether right or wrong - they do. One cannot 'make' another family member change - no amount of guilt, or shaming, or anger changes things.
Your sister has her reasons for not going, not contacting - right or wrong. You cannot control who or how she is - all you can do is do the best you can the way you can.

Imho, all you can do is to ask her again to visit dad. While most certainly she is aware of his advanced age, you may not be able to change her.

Nagging and guilting will most likely push your sister away more. You are doing your best to keep regular communication with your dad. It has taken me along time to accept that I cannot change others. However, I have learned to ask God to soften their hearts and enlighten their minds. This might not be what you need to hear, I’m just sharing my own experiences. I’m glad your dad is in a safe facility. That’s a blessing in itself.🌺

I read down to earlier in your post your response that your dad misses your mom very much, and loves to talk about her.

Might that be that's the reason your sister doesn't want to talk to him much? If she's still grieving the loss of your mom, hearing dad talk about her and trying to keep it together might be something that's too difficult for her to do. She might not be able to hear the stories without breaking down, and she might be be very conflicted (or feel "selfish" or "weak") getting emotional about your mom in front of your dad. You might want to specifically ask her that question.

If that's the case, then it *might* be easier for her to visit dad along with you or one of your other siblings, especially as you're doing things for him while you visit. If her mind is otherwise on something besides how much your dad and she miss your mom, and trying to not dwell on it while she talks to him, it might make conversation easier.

I have learned after several years that if it isn't in somebody to spend more time and effort towards caring for an elderly parent, there is little to nothing you can do to change that. I wish I could find peace with this. I struggle all the time with the resentment I feel towards my sister. And of course, this isn't effecting her at all -it feels like it has turned my life upside down.

She takes my mother every other weekend - only because I asked. Now I know that I should be happy she does that, but I seem to be stuck on the fact that she does no more than asked - she offers nothing more -as if she's doing me a favor, as if this isn't her mom too. To have to continually ask someone to help with their own parent is very tiring,

I have heard so many times that siblings who don't help or offer little help will live with the regret of their decisions. I doubt my sister will feel any regret.

When I told her recently that I needed more help, her first response was to put mom back in the facility I took her out of. This response spoke volumes to me. ( I took mom out and brought her home because a doctor said she had given up. It was during COVID and I didn't want her to die alone.) Mom is in an in-between state - she needs more help than even Assisted Living can give - but she is not ready for a nursing home.

With all this said, I know that we have no control over how others behave. I'm in therapy and working on how to be at peace with all the dynamics involved in caregiving.

I speak from experience......if people are like this, there is nothing you can do to make them call or visit - it just isn't going to happen. Ignore them and love him while you can and seek other ways to make him happy. They will pay for this some day and they deserve what lies ahead for them but for now, forget it - nothing is going to change.

You can ask her but it’s her decision. Strong-arming or guilting her won’t work and can cause a huge wedge between you and her. She will reap what she sows. What she does towards her father will be done to her in her old age. After your father passes away, one day the guilt will seep in and she’ll regret the time she missed with her father.

My sisters and brothers are regretting not spending more time with our mother before she got dementia. But now with advanced dementia, she can no longer have conversations with them and their hearts are aching to get that time back. When it’s too late, you can’t go back and undo the past.

It is great to read all that normal stuff that is going on with everybody but your sister with Dad. Something in your sisters relationship with your Dad was not "normal". She will never get that out of her mind and she just does not want the relationship. Be thankful your Dad has all that good stuff from the family. His success you relate is due to having regular good contacts from family.

Tell her he is lonely. She is running out of time. Calling him a few times a week is not asking too much, but it will be her decision. You will never be able to force it. Tell her. Put a guilt trip on her. Whatever. She will do what she will do and it's a decision that only she will have to live with.

Continue on with your dad as you do. Maybe more calls to offset the time he spends alone. That's the part you have to live with. Sadly we can't make our siblings do more than they want to.

I understand this all to well. It is hard.
I would love my sister to visit my mom and actually make her important without “my suggestion”.
While I would love the extra set of hands to give me a break - it is so much much more that I just want my Mom to be surrounded in Love. Being mostly bedridden by a stroke and having those whom love you just show up and give you the gift of time is one of the most important parts of recovery.
In the almost 3 years since my moms stroke this has been one of the hardest parts for me. My mom was human and made mistakes in her life and had moments (as we all do) but she truly was a great Mom and best Nana to my sisters kids - I have had so many heavy hearted moments that my sister has not once put my mom in her priority list.
I think many days if I am heavy - I cannot imagine how my mom feels inside. It breaks my heart and I often feel sick about it.
For a long time I would give ideas of thing to do with mom by FaceTime (my sister is out of state) - “take mom for a walk on ur phone through the woods that you her and the kids would always take together when she would come visit” - grab a crossword book and do one with mom by FaceTime - please look at your calendar and see when you can come spend some time with mom now that she has an accessible van and can get out for drives by the beach or park” - find mom a new book you think she would like for audible and read with her” - I would send her find mom a pen pal and help her write to someone (mom loved this stuff) - I tried so hard to give her ideas that would make her and mom so fun things that would make them both feel good. My sister never picks up the baton and makes mom important - she gives the least she can. I finally realized I had to let it go - I was crushed every time and I had to stop allowing myself to be let down. I’m still working on this - and I probably always will have to work on not setting myself up for letdown - hard times really show you the true character of people - who will really stick around through good and bad. Like I said “I’m still working on letting that hurt go”.
So if there are things your dad loves or has interest in - you could say hey “if your around this week bring dad his favorite coffee even if you only have an hour” or “hey I saw dad is enjoying doing puzzles lately so if your out grab one and drop it off to him” - “even dad was talking about his favorite restaurant maybe we can all pitch in and you can drop off the meal to him”. Maybe just by putting out a few ideas will help her think about things she can actually do with him and she will start thinking of other things and ways to bring a smile to your dad.
If she doesn’t then you know you tried your best for your Dad. 💕

:) dear missmuffet and everyone on this forum with sibling problems,

hugs!

i hope you have a great day!

recently i’ve been very angry with my siblings. a NEW problem turned up.

it’s just my opinion, but i think:

although we can’t control our siblings and turn them into kinder people, i think it’s important to express - directly - to them how you feel. get the anger off your chest, give it to them, they should hear what you’re upset about.

sometimes: siblings will simply ignore your emails/whatever you say.

but at least you said it.

i’ve told them this morning.

now i’ll try to move on. in my case, pretty much cut contact. i think they’re horrible, rude people.

wishing everyone on this forum well,

bundle of joy :)

Your father is getting some wonderful attention from those of you who do call and visit. You cannot make your sister do anything. It could even be that it is too distressing to her to see her father declining and in frail condition.

He's over 100 years old (!), enjoyed a long, seemingly good marriage, is well taken care of, and most of his kids are in touch--time to step back and count those blessings. Naturally he's sad, he's near the end of his journey. And your sister may regret her inaction some day--that's for her to live with. We're not responsible for, and have little control over, what other people do or how they feel. Let it go.

Your siblings are all doing something. Not everyone feels the same empathy, compassion and caring as others. You were blessed with those qualities the most. None of your siblings are completely ignoring dad. In many families that is the case. Bless you. Continue showing your dad all the love you can while you can. And don't waste any energy thinking about others not doing as much as you. It's an honor and a privilege to care for a parent. Enjoy and stop worrying who does what. It's not a contest.

MissMuffett, I understand the situation with your sister because the exact situation is/has been going on in my family.

The bottom line is that your dad is NOT a priority to your sister. She may not be willing to divulge to you why, but she does know the answer.

It's very difficult for those of us who step up and make the sacrifices and we have siblings who do not.

There is really nothing you can do without the likelihood of straining your relationship with her. In the end, your sister will be left to live with her decisions about her dad and you will have peace knowing the decisions you have made.

Sorry your dad isn't doing so well, etc.

You can't make your siblings or anyone else do what you think they should be doing. If you've mentioned it to them before ("gee, dad is lonely and could really benefit from a phone call"), then you need to let it go. Or you might make them want to dig their heels in and be less likely to reach out to him. And they might want to keep away from you if they worried they will be made to feel guilty about their lack of involvement with dad.

A parent can treat one sibling drastically different from another. Perhaps your sister has a reason she doesn't wish to share with you or others as she may not be believed (and then has to suffer a double betrayal) or it will be minimized (again very painful). Or perhaps she has things going on in her own life that are very emotionally or physically taxing - that again she doesn't share with you, if you judge her on other things as you have here. Everyone's situation is unique. Everyone else doesn't share your exact situation and abilities to do what you do. Sounds as if she has other issues to handle. Perhaps give her a break.

I may the odd one here but I do think your sister needs to be made more aware of her inaction. It’s disgraceful. Why do we make up all kinds of excuses for those missing in action.

Ran into the same thing with my family. One brother is close by and visited once per month initially then less often. Never called. Never brought his kids.

I think part of it may be fear of aging / death - you can't force someone to do something that is not in their heart.

Why not accept it for what it is? She doesn't want to be as involved as you, but it is not a contest. It would be nice if she called, every Thursday for example, and he could look forward to it.

But the simplest answer is, maybe they don't get along on the phone, and you do get along with your dad?

I am so sorry that you are experiencing much of the same circumstances that happened in our family when my parents had to go to the hospital or be placed in a facility towards the end of their lives. I have five brothers. I lived three miles from my parents. Was there every day. Doing it all. Not complaining though, because I would give anything to hear my Dad's voice while he reminisced about his life on a 14 mile trip or even just another simple excursion to the pharmacy. I wish I could bring my mother even just one more cup of coffee and sit with her at the family table to hear her voice and plan our day.
I would keep in touch and send each time whatever parent had to be away from their home (hospitalized or otherwise), individual updates on their location, status and a phone number where they could reach our parents.
Their youngest son lived only a little over an hour away. He would never take the time from his job to visit because "he had to work" or he "couldn't leave the dogs". (I left both my job and my dogs - usually daily.) Once I suggested that he take family leave like I was doing, and his very selfish reason for not doing so, was that "he was the sole provider and I had a husband!?" On the day Dad passed, he literally took the day off from work, sat at his beside for a short time and announced that he was going back. 3 hours later, Dad was gone and he was wailing, how he was all alone. He only visited for a total of 10 hours in 5 years on 5 occasions.
The next youngest son, lived only 5 miles away and always had an excuse for not being present - "I had to work" (never mind I lost my job when all my family leave was exhausted), or he would simply not respond to calls, messages or texts if anything was requested of him (like picking up clean clothes, or bringing anything from home). I tried everything to involve this brother and even gave him "hero" status by taking in something and saying it was "special" from this brother. (Careful with this one though, in the end, he was the favorite as he had been given too much credit). He too, would usually only come by to "visit" if it was to borrow their car (for a month), steal Dad blind of all his tools or to take Mom's debit card or her to the bank so that she could buy him a new vehicle. He had two very favorite "go to" excuses for not being present. They were priceless. "People go to hospitals to rest and get better - not to socialize. The other excuse was even better - "I dropped by, but he/she was sleeping" (when in fact he did not - or else I would have seen him!).
The next oldest son did live out of state and worked where travel was required. He made the effort to come and visit and worked tirelessly the entire week(s) fixing everything broken around the house- heaters, air conditioning, installing toilets, safety rails, and ramps. He would take Mom to visit Dad daily. His time was productive and appreciated as I did not have to hire maintenance workers while trying to care for them.
The middle son ALWAYS came for years. He made the time whether they were in a facility or not. He did EVERYTHING without even having to be asked for years. He was always communicating with both our parents and provided me many a break. Something that not only I, appreciated, but both Mom and Dad. He stayed. He called. He visited. Willingly.

And finally there is the oldest son whom lived with Mom and Dad for 25 years and always chose to stay at with his 18 friends and TV. His reason for never visiting was always the same "I don't do hospitals".
Basically what I am saying, to each their own. You cannot bribe, beg or demand from someone, anything that they are not willing to do. You, on the other hand, are blessed to be able to continue your relationship and make even more well-deserved memories while providing your father with continuity, reliability, reassurance, hope and more importantly, the love he needs - unconditionally.

Have some more conversations with sister about this...set a more definite time, and a schedule....perhaps associated with events like birthdays, holidays, Sunday afternoon, something, and then follow up to remind sister to do it on that day. And find out if she did it.

Visitation and calling varied among us children when my mom was alive. Now that she's gone, none of my siblings call me...yes, I call them regularly, but if I didn't, my phone is silent. I know how this feels and it's not good.

This brings back such memories for me. But it was me trying to get my mother to visit my dad in the NH. I would call her in the morning and ask if she was intending to visit him that day and she always had an excuse - even one where she had a Bridge game for the day! I was crushed for him. Bottom line is that I couldn’t get her to go see him. She would only go only if I was in town and dragged her there. And even then she wanted to leave as soon as she got there. It was a terrible time. My father thought my mother had divorced him. It is difficult to fathom their reasoning.

I feel for you. It is the worst feeling ever. Just do what you can do and hope your sister has an awakening. She’s keeping her kids from seeing him too and they may resent it one day. Blessings to you and your Dad.

Ask dad to call them. Put her phone number into his cell phone or create a phone book so staff can dial it for him. Some folks just aren't good at initiating, which might be your sister and her children.

Why doesn’t your dad call HER? Maybe that would get the communication going. Someone in assisted living should be able to assist him with calling. Maybe he could set up a good time once a week or so to call and chat for just 10 minutes. You can’t MAKE people do things. It’s sad but sometimes people just can’t cope with the loss. You sister may be afraid to face your dads loss of functionality. Maybe she thinks conversation would be difficult after such a long time of not speaking. Whatever the case may be, your dad’s first move may be the spark that starts the flame.

My grandmother was quite social and yet confessed to often feeling very lonely.

I think that no matter how we fill our days when we've lost a soul mate and no longer have someone to share our daily little joys and sorrows, when we've lost many of our friends and social connections, and when health fails and our world narrows, that loneliness can be waiting in the shadows at the end of every day.

you can't. when my father was in NH for 6 years, I am sure my brother who only lived 40 minutes away only visited maybe 10 times and most times I was with him or my mom was. And the last time was when my father passed and they left us in the room with him (passed in 2020 NOT from the virus). It upset me that my brother would not go visit but a person cannot force another to go. Some people don't go because they don't like visiting those places or they don't like the smell (which I have never smelt anything bad), or they don't want to see their loved one in a place like that. It's their loss not yours, however it does make it hard to explain to your loved one why another family member does not come to see them. I would just hope that when "their time" comes to be in a NH that their kids will come see them. My niece saw her grandfather 1 time before he died in all those 6 years......and just recently visited her grandmother (my mom) in NH which I am sure will be the very last time until my mother passes. It's their loss. I wish you luck

So sorry about this, I wonder if some older parents of people on this thread ,would enjoy calling your dad to converse or even “facetime”?